Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  Jeremiah grabbed his hair in frustration looking at me in shock. Was it shock that I asked or shock because he didn't know the answer? He reached his arms out to me and ran his fingers down the sides of my arms. I looked down waiting for him to tell me that we were nothing. That everything between us was all in my head. Bracing myself for the heartbreak that was about to come.

  Instead, he grabbed my chin lifting it until our eyes met. "How could you think that I would want anyone else?" My heart stopped at his words. I couldn't breathe. Did he really just say that to me? He cocked his head as if waiting for me to speak but when I didn't, he continued.

  "Freya, I know that we haven't had the official conversation about what we are, or anything, but I just thought that you would know by the way I was acting that you meant so much more to me. That I want to be with you. That I want us to be something. I mean I call you babe all the time and you're the only person I want to be around most of the time."

  "Okay..." Was the only thing I could think of to say. I didn't know how to respond to someone expressing their feelings to me. Toward me. It terrified me. Even though I asked for it. What is wrong with me?

  "Um...that's it? So....are we.....are we together?” I swear I could almost hear his heart racing from where I was standing. Sweat was building at his temples and all I could do was smile and nod. Pulling me into his chest, J let out a deep breath of relief. He held me so tight I almost couldn't move but it felt so right. Felt so safe. Anything and everyone else slipped away. I closed my eyes and soaked in his warmth.

  Time went by as we just stood there, nestled into one another, when Chris startled us yelling from the house, "Are you guys done yet! We're going to watch a movie before we head out Jere." We stepped back from each other smiling. Jeremiah grabbed my hand walking me inside. "Come on birthday girl, I want to watch a movie with my girlfriend.”

  I smiled and my heart melted. Girlfriend. I was Jeremiah’s girlfriend.

  Chapter 8

  Two months after my birthday Jeremiah and I had been talking every single day. Texting. Calling. Notes in my locker. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other,couldn’t go a minute without hearing from one another. We would fall asleep on the phone together, watching the same show on television as if we were next to each other. He was such a romantic.

  Our first official date was two days after my birthday. J pushed that he wanted to take me to a nice steak and lobster dinner - a reason for me to dress up. I was so in awe of him when he showed up, standing in my doorway. Black dress pants, a white button down, black tie, holding a bouquet of white Calla Lilies. Jeremiah said they reminded him of me - innocence and purity. My heart skipped a beat. He said he felt the same way when he saw me in my black knee length dress that hugged every curve of my body. I paired the dress with the black lace wedges Lily had gotten me. My hair was pinned to the side as my brown curls cascaded down my neck. I'll never forget his reaction when I walked out. The moment Jeremiah saw me his hands rushed up to his chest as if grabbing his heart and he gasped. It was the best feeling in the world.

  Ever since that day we were inseparable. It was as if we were consumed by one another. We needed to be near each other and if we couldn't, we needed to talk to one another.

  Him and I were connected.

  Drawn to each other.

  Summer was ending and I was so excited to start my senior year. But there was this knot, this small ache of nerves in my stomach at the fact that I was starting the school year out with a boyfriend. A boyfriend. He was my first real boyfriend and I didn't want to mess it up. Jeremiah was acting nervous too, but for a different reason. I just didn't know that at the time.

  The last two weeks of summer flew by in a flash, I barely saw Jeremiah because I was so focused on being at home with my Mom. Her husband, Gary, had been going out drinking a lot more and my mom had begun accusing him of using drugs. The tread marks on his arms had become overly apparent, his constant sniffling and blood shot eyes were an open invitation for her questioning. That didn't go over very well though and his anger had shifted to not only her but to me. It was the first time he had ever threatened me. I had gotten in between them during an argument, my attempt at keeping Gary from hitting her and leaving yet another mark, but the feeling he gave me in the pit of my stomach when he said, "You get in my way again and it'll be the last thing you do," is something that still makes me physically ill. That night I had locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep.

  The night before school started I was on the phone talking to Jeremiah. His voice always calmed me but made my giddy at the same time. It was like he could make me weak but strong all in the same moment. We were watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and I could hear him falling asleep on the other line but he refused to hang up - something about how he felt close to me even if we weren’t in the same room when we were watching the same thing together. My heart swooned for him. J always knew what to say to get my heart to flutter.

  "Go to sleep babe," My voice barely a whisper as I spoke to him through the phone.

  "No baby, I want to watch this with you," He whispered back, his voice groggy and filled with sleep. I could tell his eyes were closed and I could hear his breathing getting heavy as he got closer and closer to sleep. I opened my mouth about to tell him goodnight when the loudest noise I've ever heard echoed throughout the house.

  Bang!

  Bang!

  Bang!

  Furniture thrashing to the ground bombarded my eardrums and my mom's screams were too loud to be concealed. I could hear Jeremiah jump to his feet through the phone at the sound. His attention on full alert and I knew, I knew, he had heard it too.

  "What was that!" J yelled, concern clear in his voice. I sighed loudly. All of my hopes and dreams of no one ever knowing what happened in my home had vanished in an instant. There was no keeping it a secret anymore. "Hold on," I breathed into the phone as I ran to where the noise was coming from. My heart pumping, adrenaline running through me pushing the fear down.

  As I entered my moms bedroom I noticed the dresser. I was thrown on the floor, clothes splashed around the entire room and splintered wood filling the emptiness the clothes had missed. Drawers tossed across the room, her mirror shattered, broken glass splattered on the floor. I looked up from the chaos on the floor to see my mom in the corner, being held against the wall by her throat. My instincts kicked in and I ran barefoot across the room to her aid. Piece after piece of glass and wood stabbing in my bare feet. I couldn't feel them, I couldn't feel anything but the adrenaline at the sight of my mother's color draining from her face.

  "Get off of her!" I screamed, grabbing at her husband's arm, willing my strength to help release her from the man's grip. I pulled and pulled but he stood there with a smile on his face choking the life out of her. My mom’s eyes began closing, the color of her face turning from purple to white. I bit his arm until I tasted blood and in that moment his anger turned toward me. Gary released his grip on my mom’s throat, dropping her to the floor breathless and swung his hand at my face. I flew to the ground, my body landing on the dresser. The pain coursed through me and tears stung my eyes as I struggled to get up to find my mom.

  "Stupid girl, don't you know not to get involved where you're not wanted!" He spit at me as he passed, leaving the room and slamming the front door behind him. I crawled over to my mother, she was coughing and gasping for breath still curled up in the corner.

  "Mom, are you ok?" I could barely get out the words through my sobs. She nodded her head and slowly got up. She looked down at me, cupped my face and helped me to my feet. Smiling through her pain she said, "I'm ok sweetheart. I love you dearly," a single tear fell from her eye. I wiped it away and smiled looking back at the figure who was supposed to be my mother but didn't look like her at all. My mom continued, "but next time don't get involved." She grazed her thumbs under my eyes to wipe the mounds of tears away and my eyes widened in shock. Did she really just say that to me? Did she re
ally just not even acknowledge what her husband did to her ? To me? Who is this person in front of me because this sure isn't my mother. My mother would never tell me to just sit back and let a man hit me. My mother wouldn't tell me that it's ok for someone to put their hands on you and just walk away. Would she? But that’s exactly what she did.

  She walked away from me and started cleaning up the mess surrounding us. She looked like a robot. No emotion. No acknowledgement. Just cleaning as if she had no idea how the mess had gotten there. I stepped back and watched her, confused and thrown completely off kilter. I was in complete and utter shock. I watched her for what felt like hours, cleaning up everything on the floor and my tears fell down my face while I replayed her words in my head. Next time don't get involved.

  When she was done picking up the dresser that I had been thrown onto, it suddenly hit me that Jeremiah was still on the phone. I rushed to grab it. My phone that had been thrown to the floor when I had seen the mayhem was swiftly grasped and pushed to my ear. "Hello?" my voice was quiet and trembling. I prayed that he had hung up. Wishing and hoping he hadn’t heard anything that happened. But I had no such luck.

  "Hey," the whisper of his voice was filled with nothing but concern and sadness. Pity. That’s what I never wanted. What I had tried so hard to avoid.

  "Just give me a second to get to my room," My words were shaky and I couldn’t hide from the feeling of shame. I looked down, letting out a sigh as I made my way to my room. Ashamed and embarrassed that now, now I had to come clean about how fucked up my life was.

  Chapter 9

  My heart sank more and more with each stride to my room. The ache in my feet from the glass had no effect on the pain I felt in my heart as my world started to crumble around me. How am I going to tell him? How do I make him understand? Is he still going to want me? My mind raced with questions and ways to get out of telling him the truth but as I entered my room I came face to face with the truth. There was no more hiding this. There was no escaping it. I had to be honest. He needed to know and if he didn't want me then I would have to accept that.

  I closed the door behind me and sank down to the floor. I took breath after breath to try to calm my nerves before telling him my dreadful truth but I couldn't keep the tears from coming. I couldn't keep my voice from shaking. And just when I went to speak my truth he stopped me.

  "Baby?" J’s voice was quiet, soothing. It was as if he knew that even the slightest noise around me would make the rest of my world shatter. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to,” he continued, “but I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, it's not going to change how much I love you.”

  My world stopped. My heart clenched and I couldn’t breathe.

  Every ounce of strength I had vanished with those words.

  My sobs filled the room and he waited patiently on the other line as I choked out tear after tear.

  It felt like hours had passed with him sitting quietly on the phone, but with every minute that passed my crying started to slow. The lump in my throat started to disappear and I had finally managed to gather up enough courage to admit my truth.

  "I'm not perfect,” I began, “My life.....my world..... it’s so fucked up and I don't want to drag you into all of this.” The disappointment was clear in my voice, the heaviness of my words hung in the air. I waited a minute - maybe two, maybe even ten - for him to agree with me, to tell me that what we had was over. When Jeremiah didn't I continued, "My moms husband beats her..... and she isn't going to leave him. This is why I try to get out of the house all of the time or I'm locked in my bedroom everyday. Please don't pity me or look down on me. I don't need to be judged right now.” It came out in a breath. Falling out of my mouth like a rocket. The heaviness of the words had been weighing on my heart for so long and when I finally said them, finally let out my secret, I felt a slight sense of relief. A small piece of peace. I was about to continue when J interrupted.

  "Do you really think I would judge you? Do you think that low of me? I would never, ever pity you or look down on you or even judge you!" He started to raise his voice in defense, "you have no control over the situation that you're in and you're handling it the best way you know how. I know your mom loves you the only way she knows how but I want you to know that I am here for you. I always will be! Please don't shut me out."

  I gasped and stared at my bloody feet. He had just said all of the words I had hoped he would. I was shocked. Dumbfounded. Amazed. I couldn't move let alone speak. I never thought that I would hear those words from anyone when I admitted my truth, let alone from Jeremiah. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how grateful I was to have him in my life. How he was the first person I had ever told and how my insecurities were the cause of keeping my secret for so long. Not because of him or anyone else but because of me. Because I was scared. Terrified. But all I managed to get out was a slight whisper of “okay.”

  "Freya," his voice trailed off trying to find the right words to say. "I'm here. I'm always here."

  I didn't say a word. I just smiled at my phone and closed my eyes basking in his words. Jeremiah had said that to me before but it meant something different this time. It meant something more.

  We stayed on the phone for hours talking about everything that night. I told him every bit of truth about my home life, how it was and how it started to escalate. He managed to control his anger as best he could when I admitted that Gary turned his hands onto me. Jeremiah made me promise to go to his house if it ever got bad like that again. We had stayed on the phone together until I fell asleep. That night, although terrifying and troublesome, was the first night in my whole life that I truly felt loved. The first night that I had ever opened up fully to someone. The first night that someone told me they loved me - other than my mom. The first night someone made me feel safe in the chaos of my life.

  But it wasn't just someone.

  It was Jeremiah.

  My Jeremiah.

  Chapter 10

  Senior year.

  I always thought those two words were filled with so much hope, excitement and adventure. When I first started high school I couldn’t wait for that day to come, the first day of senior year. Less course work, more fun. We could relax a little bit before we had to get serious about college and our careers and to top it all off I was going into senior year with a boyfriend.

  The last first day of high school and I would share it with my best friend and our boyfriends. I finally had a boyfriend. But when the day came, it was all but exciting because of the night before with my mom and Gary. I was so entirely drained that I didn't bother to do my hair or makeup the way I usually would and in the words of Lily - I looked like who did it and ran. I wore a simple black T-shirt and jeans and slid on the most comfortable shoes I could find because of the cuts and ache of my shredded feet. The images and the words replayed in my head over and over as I tried to muster up the strength to get ready and plaster a smile on my face.

  I had skipped breakfast in an attempt to stay away from my mother and stepfather and I rushed to the car when Lily pulled in the driveway, giving her no room to make it inside to say hello to them. "Are you ok Freya? You look... a little... tired," She said sympathetically, as if I didn't look at myself in the mirror before I left. "Yeah, I'm fine, just stayed up a little too late last night. I can't wait to get to school and see the guys," my attempt at trying to change the subject had worked.

  "Chris said they're going to stop and get us coffee before class starts," before I could interrupt her, she finished, " don't worry Jeremiah told him to get you an iced tea." Her coy smile hit the side of my face and I couldn't hide the blush that rose on my cheeks, the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of Jeremiah knowing me so well. I've never liked the taste of coffee and although Lily had gotten me to try it multiple times over the years, my taste buds still decline the so-called nectar of the gods. We made it to school fifteen minutes before classes started, pulling up
to see Chris standing in the parking lot, drinks in hand smiling for his girl to get out of the car.

  "Isn't he just the sweetest.” Lily gushed, parking the car and scrabbling out to meet her man. I shook my head to confirm, attempting to step out of the car. Before I could reach for the handle the door was swung open by my very own man. My green eyed, dirty blonde, hunk of a man.

  My heart jumped into overdrive at the sight of him, I remember the warmth that swept over my body just from his presence. Everything I had felt for him before the incident last night had only amplified at his nurturing and protective words. His actions proved that he cared. Proved that he loved me. And I wanted to be loved. For the first time I wanted to let someone in. I wanted to let him in. My cheeks ached with how big my smile was and I laughed at myself for a minute. The thought that I could have ever felt something for anyone else was absurd. The things I felt for - or thought I felt for- Jesse was nothing compared to the way I was feeling for Jeremiah in that moment.

  My body moved before my mind could tell it what to do and my arms swung around J’s neck being careful not to spill the drinks in his hands. "Thank you," I whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek, backing away to stare at his beauty. He cocked his head to the side and smirked. "You're welcome, baby, but it's only iced tea," his girlish laugh glazed through my ears and warmed my soul. I smiled as the sound filled me. "Well, come on girl, let's get to class, we don't want to be late on our first day right?" J helped me out of the car being careful not to let me put too much pressure on my feet.