Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  "Good." She smiled at me and nudged my shoulder, "Now do you want to go to bed or do you want ice cream and a movie?" It was my turn to smile. I shook my head giggling at my best friend and loving her even more for knowing just how to make me feel better. She made even the darkest of situations look light. "I'll go get the ice cream." I giggled and got up from the bed to make my way down to the kitchen.

  Still lost in my head about the whole Jeremiah decision, I hadn't realized that Jesse was in the kitchen when I arrived. I had reached out for the freezer when my hand was met with a different hard surface. Jesse's bare chest. I jumped, my eyes shooting up to meet his. He smirked at me, a mischevious look in his eye. "If you wanted to touch me all you had to do was ask." I gasped at his words.

  What! "W-what?" I was so thrown. His words made me dizzy. Who the hell did he think he was? Jesse closed the freezer taking out the ice cream and turned toward the counter to put it down. "I mean you're hot and all but you're my sister's best friend. I think things might get a little complicated. Plus, I don’t think your little boy toy would like it very much." He turned to meet my eyes, his eyebrow kinked and a slight smirk twisted the corner of his mouth.

  The blood drained from my face. I knew that my color was white as a ghost but I could do nothing to hide it. My knees buckled and I felt a warmth in my stomach, it spread between my legs. The heat was something that I'd never felt before. Holy shit. Did he really just say that? Did he really think I was hot? Wait! Why did I care? I’m with Jeremiah! I opened my mouth to respond but he placed a finger over my lips. Oh my God! My body screamed at the touch. So warm. So tender. I wanted to open my mouth, taking his finger inside so I could taste him. What the fuck Freya! It's just his finger on your lip! YOU'RE WITH JEREMIAH! My subconscious screamed at me but I paid no attention, his touch had me feeling dizzy. "I'm just messing with you." He smiled, his blue eyes glistening with delight. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "I got you good didn't I?" Jesse wiggled his eyebrows and I rolled my eyes at his arrogance.

  Finally finding the strength to talk I looked him in the eye, swallowing hard, "Has anyone ever told you that you're an asshole?" Jesse's eyes widened and he laughed. "Yeah, often actually." Our eyes locked and it was as if he could see into my soul. All of my dreams, my desires, my hopes, my fears, he could see it all. My knees went weak and I grabbed onto the counter for support. I guess he had noticed because he stepped forward in an attempt to grab me but pulled his hand back when he saw me steady myself. What is he doing to me? Jesse coughed and turned breaking our eye contact. "So you're with that kid, right?" And just like that my stomach plummeted to the floor. Yes! Yes I am with him! So why then, did Jesse have this control over my body? I cleared my throat and made my way to the cabinet to get down bowls.

  "Jeremiah? Yeah. He's my boyfriend actually." I couldn't see Jesse but I heard him turn toward me as I said the words. He walked over to me, my breathing picked up. Why does he do this to me! How? I barely even know him anymore! Jesse's chest touched my back as he reached around me to open the drawer for some spoons. I turned around trapped in his arms, caged in the corner of the counter. Face to face. My eyes focused on his lips, my heart beating so fast, so loud I swear he could hear it. My breathing was so ragged Jesse could absolutely tell he had an effect on me. Hell anyone within a five foot radius could see what he did to me.

  I finally looked up meeting his eyes, they were focused on my lips and if I would had just lifted my chin an inch we would have been kissing. Instead I turned my head toward the bowls trying to get my mind back on track. Ice cream. I came down here for ice cream.

  Jesse grabbed my attention again when he chuckled. My eyes flew to his as if I was missing the joke. "What?" What the hell was so funny?

  "Nothing," he smirked leaning his head down closer to me. His mouth was at my ear and my eyes closed waiting to savor the words he was going to whisper into it,"Just that if you were mine, I wouldn't have let you spend the night in the same house as another guy. Especially one you found attractive. He’s either an idiot or you guys aren’t that serious." And just like that my eyes burst open. I pushed him away from me and stepped toward the ice cream to finish my task. He's such an asshole! I couldn't help myself, I spun around, anger fueling me, "Well, good thing he's not you! He’s better!" Jesse didn't even know me or Jeremiah for that matter. Who the hell was he to say such a thing. He smiled and it made the anger in me boil over. "And who the hell said that I was even slightly attracted to you! You're an ass and that's not my type sorry to tell you. And we are serious! We’re in love! Not that I need to tell you that! Asshole." I finished on a whisper, trying to keep my voice down.

  He smiled his devilish smile and my stomach tightened. Damnit! I cursed at my body. Jesse stepped closer to me, inches apart looking into each others eyes. My breath was heavy and filled with anger and lust. "Don't try to deny it," He said calmly - which just pissed me off even more- "I can guarantee that you're body is effected by me just as much as mine is by yours. And its super annoying! If you were that serious about your little boyfriend, I wouldn’t bother you so much now would I?" He smirked and I blinked repeatedly trying to focus on his words.

  Did he really just say that? Out of everything I had expected him to say, that was definitely not it. My mind spun trying to fathom what the hell just happened. Before I could, he grabbed the whole carton of ice cream and made his way out of the kitchen. Spoon in hand, sucking the ice cream from it, he stopped at the doorway before leaving. His eyes warming my skin as they traveled from my feet up to my eyes, resting for a few minutes when he met my hips, chest and mouth. Jesse smiled at me when my breath hitched watching him bite his bottom lip when he was eyeing me down. "Goodnight, Freya." And just like that he was gone.

  Chapter 16

  "Where's the ice cream?" Lily's question startled me. After Jesse left with the ice cream I opted to make us popcorn instead. I made my way up the stairs to her room slowly, constantly replaying what he said and what had happened in the kitchen. Why did it bother me? Why did his words turn me on? If I was truly in love with Jeremiah as much as I thought I was, wouldn't Jesse's words have no effect on me?

  "Yeahhhh......your brother happened." I shrugged trying to play it cool and praying that Lily didn't ask me too many questions, "So I figured we could just have popcorn instead." She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Ugh! I can't wait for him to leave already! I love him but we've never had him around this long before, other than when we were little. He’s driving me nuts!" I chuckled and couldn't help myself from asking more questions.

  "When is he leaving? And where is he going now? He was in Australia or something before right?" I shoved a handful of popcorn in my mouth to try to stop the questions from coming. She shrugged, eyeing me suspiciously as I knew she would. "Jesse hasn't mentioned an exact date that he's leaving. My mom is so happy that he's home that I don't think she really wants him to leave. But yeah he was there I think or London or something. Who knows, Jesse goes all over the place doing God knows what. I think he does something with businesses or money? I don't know. He's so secretive. I'm his sister and I feel like I barely know him. How sad is that!" Lily sighed while putting in the DVD.

  That was her way of saying she didn't want to talk about it anymore and I obeyed her wishes by getting comfy, waiting for the movie to start. Usually on a night filled with crying, heartbreak and boys, Lily and I would watch a rom-com and curl up with a blanket and ice cream but since Jesse ruined the ice cream part it was only fitting for us to change the whole movie aspect too. We decided on the recent Die hard movie and swooned over Bruce Willis the whole night.

  I went to bed looking at a text from Jeremiah.

  Goodnight sweetheart ;)

  I replied with a simple x.

  He made me smile so wide that I couldn't help but feel butterflies and I drifted off to sleep on cloud nine. My subconscious though, was thinking of someone entirely different while I slept and my dreams were filled with nothing but
Jesse. Jesse's word, his body, his tattoos, his lips, I must have been tossing and turning because Lily shook me awake. "Freya....Freya," she whispered, "Hey! Are you okay?" My eyes flew open and I sat up so fast I almost headbutted her. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Sorry. Weird dream." If only she knew how weird it was. I couldn't believe I was dreaming about her brother! I scolded myself, yelling at my subconscious to behave before forcing myself to go back to sleep.

  I woke to an empty bed and the sound of my alarm going off on my phone. I reached over, turned it off and noticed a text from my mom and Jeremiah.

  Good morning beautiful :)

  Jeremiah’s message made me smile, he was so sweet. Although we texted every day, this felt different. He was preparing us for being apart and I hugged the phone needing to be closer to him in some way. The text message from my mom wasn't nearly as good.

  Hi honey, are you coming home tonight? Need to do some more cleaning but wanted to know if you wanted anything specific for dinner if you were.

  Usually when my mom said she had more cleaning to do it meant that there was a fight between her and Gary and she needed to clean up the things he broke. My chest tightened instantly and I could feel the tears starting to emerge. I'd been so consumed with Jeremiah and the thing with Jesse, that I hadn't even given my home situation much thought. The ache in my chest grew thinking about what my mom probably went through while my head was in the clouds. I sent her a quick reply telling her that I would be home and she could make anything for dinner. Even though Jeremiah was leaving in a few days I had to be with my mom. Jeremiah would understand and we would have to get used to the distance anyway. Right?

  I made my way down to the kitchen after getting ready for school and found Lily, Deb and Jesse all eating at the table. Jesse's eyes glanced up to me smiling, he looked me up and down. "Hey! What do you want for breakfast? We're gonna leave for school in like fifteen so that should give you enough time to eat." Lily stood up from her place at the table and handed me a plate. I smiled, trying to hide the flush in my cheeks from Jesse's stares. I took the plate piling some eggs and bacon on it from the stove. I sat across from Jesse at the table and ate in silence, but the second Lily and Deb left the table Jesse found his words, "You're going to let your tits hang out like that all day in school?" I nearly choked on my bacon and had to take a sip of orange juice before I could respond.

  "Excuse me?" I tried my best to hold my own, I sat up taller not wanting to acknowledge what he had just said but I couldn't help it and I scanned over my outfit quickly. Tight dark jeans and a red tank top, although it was pretty low cut I never thought that it was too revealing considering I barely had any breasts to begin with. They had finally started to develop more in the past few months and I was excited to show my new figure. I felt my cheeks flush but I shook it off not wanting him to see that he had gotten to me. "Your tits," he nodded toward my chest and licked his lips before meeting my eyes, "do you always wear such revealing things?" Jesse’s cocked head made me grin and I scorned myself for giving into his obvious flirtation. Damnit! "What's it to you?" I stood and took my empty dish to the sink. My goal: aiming to be as nonchalant as possible. He couldn't know how much his crude words affected me. I wouldn't let him. At least I would try my hardest not to let him.

  Jesse didn’t answer. I spun around and saw him standing at the counter, eyeing me up and down. His eyes moved dangerously slow, taking in my whole body. My every curve. I felt like a piece of art in a museum. I'd always worn those specific jeans because they caressed every curve of my butt and showed off my toned legs but I'd never had anyone-never seen anyone-be affected by them. Damn, it made me feel good. Made me feel confident and sexy. Jesse looked at me in a way Jeremiah never had. Jeremiah always looked at me with doe eyes, filled with so much love and want but Jesse's eyes were filled with need. With lust and a hint of....something else. It was as if he was a cat ready to pounce on his prey. I watched him take in my body and I couldn't help but blush when our eyes met. He went to take a step toward me but paused at the sound of Lily's voice.

  "Ready?" She jumped into the kitchen with her bubbly self and I shook my head in agreement. Little did she know I was also shaking my head to rid it of the thoughts that were beginning to fill my head. Thoughts of Jesse. If Jesse could do that to me with just a look then I couldn't imagine what he could and would do to me the more I saw him. It was then that I promised myself to stay away. As long as Jesse was still around and as long as I was with Jeremiah, I needed to distance myself. I needed to stay away. But how in the hell am I going to stay away from my best friends house? My mind raced trying to come up with solutions but there was only one thing I could think of. I either had to tell Lily about the feelings I was having toward her brother or I had to try to stay away from her too.

  Chapter 17

  The days after flew by and I managed to stay away from everyone, including Lily. I texted and talked on the phone with Jeremiah and Lily everyday, giving them excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't see them. They were both clearly annoyed with my avoidance but seemingly understood my want and need to stay at home with my mom, which technically wasn't a lie, even though they didn't know the whole story. Things had been getting worse at home since I hadn't been around often, lost in cloud Jeremiah, and my mom's black eyes turned into broken wrists and a damaged eye socket. I begged her to tell the truth at the hospital. Begged her to admit what Gary had done to her. Instead, she just stuck to her version of the truth -that she fell down the stairs because she was "clumsy". If anyone bothered to pay attention to her blatant lies they would have known that we didn't have any stairs in the house.

  I had helped nurse my mom back to health and in turn missed Jeremiah's goodbye party. I called him and even left a note on his porch, telling him how much I was going to miss him and that our relationship would grow so much stronger. Looking back, I wish I had said more. I wish I had told him I loved him, but I wasn't ready to do that yet.

  I miss u more. I hope ur mom is doing ok, I'm always here for u. Love u.

  Jeremiah had texted me that night on his way down to Florida. I was actually a little glad that I didn't see him leave because I don't know if I would have been able to let him go. The last day I saw him was the day we were...together...in the bathroom at Lily's house. That day will forever stay in my mind and if I'm honest I think it was a perfect way to say our goodbyes, or rather, our see you laters.

  Not possible. I miss you so much already! Drive safe and let me know when you get there <3

  We texted each other every single day after that for months. Calling each other after school and talking until we went to bed. I couldn't stay away from Lily for long and the Monday after Jeremiah left, Lily and I were inseparable again. Those few days had felt like a lifetime staying away from my best friend. I was at her house at least three days a week and sleeping over almost every weekend after our reunion. Constantly checking on my mom but needing and enjoying the escape.

  I ran into Jesse more often than not and our little banter never ceased to turn me on. I kept myself in line and told myself on repeat that it meant nothing. It wasn't too hard, especially because every time I saw him he had a new girl hanging over him. A part of me thought it was to taunt me, to get a reaction, but I told myself to focus on Jeremiah. After all Jeremiah and I were in a good place. A great place. He wasn't there like Jesse was but not a day or even a few hours went by that I didn't talk to him. Didn't think about him. Jeremiah was the one for me, I had convinced myself of that. I knew it deep in my heart. I wasn't going to let some silly flirtation with Jesse ruin that. No matter how attractive the man was or the way he made me feel.

  Jeremiah had gotten a job at a vet in Clermont and I was looking into jobs at the local movie theater so I could save for a plane ticket to visit him. Every day he would tell me about the latest animal that came into the vet and how he thought about studying to be a veterinarian when he went to college. Every single day he asked me if I knew where I was going to apply to
college, so that he could apply to the same ones and each time I told him I hadn't given it much thought. It wasn't that I didn't want to think about going to college, I wanted to go. Boy did I want to go. I wanted to go to any college that would get me closer to Jeremiah. So, if that meant going all the way to Florida I was willing to do that. But there was another weight holding me down. Keeping my thoughts from moving and it wasn’t Jesse’s mind games. It was:

  My anchor.

  My home.

  My heart.

  My mom.

  I didn't want to leave my mom. Especially with everything that had been going on.

  After her wrist and eye had healed, two weeks after taking off the cast, she ended up back in the hospital. The doctors had pulled me aside and asked me if I could tell them anything different from her statement because her story didn't add up to the substantial injuries she had endured. They threw medical mumbo jumbo at me but what it added down to was that she had a broken leg, a bruised lung, four cracked ribs and a hairline fracture on her eye socket. My heart sank with each new injury they had said. But it wasn't enough for me to tell them. I lied, there was no way her statement wasn’t true I told them. Why would she lie? I had asked.

  That will forever be the worst thing I have ever done.

  My biggest regret.

  I should have told them. I should have told someone. Instead I went along with my mother's lies and protected her husband. I felt that in some way, by sticking to her story, I was protecting her. That I was showing her how much I loved her. That it had nothing to do with her and him, and everything to do with the bond I had with her. The bond between mother and daughter.