Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  I couldn't have been more wrong.

  If there was ever a time in my life that I would take back. That I would change things. That I could look back and say -that right there- that is the moment that would change everything....that would have been it.

  If I had only known.

  Chapter 18

  After the hospital incident everyone around me became more attentive, asking questions and constantly checking on my mom and I. Lily's mom, Deb, had cornered me more than once. "Have your mom come sleep over too, it can be like a girls getaway!" I knew that she was just trying to be nice, get my mom out of the house and away from Gary. I often wondered that if Deb knew what was going on in my house and if so why she never tried to stop it.

  "You can't think like that.” I jumped a little at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. “You'll never truly know the whole truth. No one knows what truly happens behind the closed doors of a marriage. Maybe your mom told her or maybe she didn't. Maybe Deb found out and confronted your mom or she didn't want to step in. You'll drive yourself mad thinking about the what if's of the past." A girl from the group had spoken up. My eyes darted to hers and I smiled in understanding. I knew what she said was true but sometimes I still caught myself wondering, what if. After all, therapy was mostly about discussing your past to help your present and future and I had to explain everything from the very beginning. I sighed, looking down to gather a breath, I closed my eyes and continued.

  The days that passed had flew by and my concentration became more and more about my mom and school than it did about Jeremiah. Him and I talked everyday, practically all day in the beginning but as the school year started to dwindle down so did our conversations. Jeremiah had gotten into Miami Dade and NYU, waiting for me to decide what college I was going to so he could pick his choice. The time was getting closer and closer for him to decide but I hadn't given him an answer. My mind was far from choosing where I wanted to go. I had gotten into several schools including Rutgers, NYU, Brown, Miami Dade, Stanford and my local community college. My college admissions essay about living in an abusive house hold really made me stand out and I was shocked at all of the acceptance letters.

  I wanted to bask in the joy of being able to have my choice on where to go. How far I could go. How close I could get to Jeremiah, but days after I received my last acceptance letter my life changed forever and it was the beginning of my spiral downward in life. It was a month before my eighteenth birthday and my mom and I had gone out shopping. She said we were going to celebrate all of my accomplishments and have a special dinner.

  "I'm so proud of you honey! I want tonight to feel special so whatever you want for dinner and dessert I will make!" Her voice was filled with such happiness and so pure that it warmed my heart. I really was proud of all the things I had accomplished too and I couldn’t wait to celebrate with her and my friends. We went through hell and I still managed to come out of it in one piece. Or so I thought. All of her injuries had healed at that point but she still winced from the pain if she stretched too much or moved the wrong way. I still shudder at the memories of her in the hospital bed. There hadn't been another physical incident since that night and I think everyone started to relax a little because of that. We had put our guards down. We had all assumed that things had gotten better because Gary knew how close he had come. I smiled at my mom, my eyes filled with so much love.

  "Mom, you can make anything you want and I'll be happy. You know I'm not picky!"

  "I know, sweetheart but I want to make sure you have your favorite! Whatever you want!"

  "Okay, fine,” I chuckled, shaking my head, "But Lily wanted to celebrate too so can I meet her before dinner?"

  "Por supuesto, mija. You can go see Lily, celebrate with her and Deb for a little and then come home and I'll spoil you with dinner and dessert! Gary is going to be at work so it'll be just the two of us." My mom's smile reached her eyes and I knew she was over the moon. We were in a better place. Hell, she only spoke Spanish to me when she was super excited. I gave her a big hug, being careful not to put too much pressure as I squeezed.

  After getting all of the groceries she needed for the night, she dropped me off at Lily's and gave me a kiss goodbye before leaving. I hurried inside waving at her. "See you in a bit!" I yelled over my shoulder as I walked into Lily's home.

  A tear slipped down my cheek and I had to take a deep breath to steady my breathing. I wish I would have kissed my mom goodbye. Told her I loved her one last time. I cleared my throat and plastered on a small smile before continuing again.

  "OH MY GOD! Guess what!" Lily had practically trampled me as I entered her house.

  "What?" I was laughing and trying to hold my balance as she jumped up and down holding onto my shoulders.

  "I got in! I got into all of the same colleges you did! Even community college!" she had laughed, "Now we are definitely going to the same college! Forever and always remember." I squealed and began jumping up and down with her. We were two excited little kids acting like it was Christmas morning.

  "What the hell is with all of the screaming?" Jesse's voice had traveled from the hallway. Stern but filled with laughter as if he found us entertaining. As he made his appearance into the entryway my smile started to slightly widen. He had left a few months before, going to Paris for business and I couldn't help the pang I felt in my heart when he was gone. It tore me up a bit losing him and Jeremiah, but there he was. He came back. That day I was so extremely happy. My mom and I were celebrating, Jesse had come back to town, Lily and I were going to be at the same college. I was on cloud nine, floating in euphoria. I pulled out of Lily's embrace and eyed Jesse from his feet to his head, trapping every part of him into my memory.

  "I didn't know you were back." I tried hard to hide my smirk but I couldn’t. I smiled big, biting my bottom lip.

  "Just got back last night. Surprised my sister didn't complain to you about it. She wasn't too happy to have me walking around in a towel all day." I bit my lip harder. The thought of him almost naked made my inside burn with heat and I felt it building between my legs. Jesse’s eyes dropped down to my mouth watching me chomp away. Ever since going down on Jeremiah in the bathroom, my libido had been on overdrive. I would find myself sending dirty text messages or trying to have phone sex with Jeremiah constantly and if that wasn't enough I had vivid day dreams of doing sexual things to not only him but to the forbidden man I could never have. Jesse.

  "Ugh yeah, because nobody wants to see that!" Lily's voice knocked me out of my thoughts, "this isn't about you Jesse. Freya and I are celebrating getting into the same colleges and she only has a little bit of time so get out of the way!" She pushed him aside walking us to the kitchen and my hand had grazed his pants, I shivered at the contact.

  Jesse had left us alone after that and the next hour consisted of laughs, junk food and planning out our days at college. Being roommates, taking classes, and having lots and lots of sex. Our futures were looking bright and for the first time I was beyond excited for what would happen next.

  About an hour later I finally looked at the time and told Lily I had to get going. She gave me a hug and like always told me to text her when I got home. I opted to walk the ten blocks instead of having Lily drive me because I wanted to clear my head. I needed to rid it of all thoughts of Jesse and sex. It took me a little more than twenty minutes to get home and when I arrived the front door was cracked open.

  "Mom?" I shouted, slowly opening the door. The eerie creek it made echoed in our one floor home. "Mom?" I yelled again walking slowly into the house. As I looked around I noticed glass on the floor from a flower vase, the splintering of wood from a cabinet and as I made my way toward the kitchen I saw drops of something red. My breathing picked up and I swallowed the pure fear in my throat. I knew that Gary must have come home early and started an argument. That he must have thrown things and I was going to be spending the night helping my mom clean up the house instead of having a delicious dinner celebrating. She mus
t have cut herself trying to clean up already I thought.

  Why wasn’t she answering me? I continued my slow walk into the kitchen following the droplets. Pasta thrown on the floor, cabinets off their hinges, broken glass shattered from the back door, it looked like a bomb had gone off. My eyes were focused on the floor watching- following- the droplets of red turn bigger and bigger becoming pools. It was only when my eyes met her feet that I realized that the red droplets were blood.

  "Mom!" I screamed darting across the floor to her limp body in the corner. Pools of blood surrounded her. A knife on the floor laid on top of blood filled salad scattered on the floor next to her pale, drained body. I reached down to try to find the source of her bleeding, it was coming from all over. Her arms were sliced from her elbow to her wrist. Her stomach and chest had deep slashes and I could barely see through my tear stained eyes. I hurried over her tripping on her stiff legs, grabbing the house phone and dialing 9-1-1 before returning back to her side to find a pulse. As the operator answered my heart constricted. There was no pulse. She wasn't breathing. I fell on my rear and dropped the phone as I choked out:

  "Mom."

  Chapter 19

  When the ambulance arrived that night I was in such a state of shock I couldn't even answer their questions. I sat there on the floor soaked in my mom's blood while someone covered me with a blanket and I watched as the EMT’s put my mom's cold, blood drained body in a black bag and wheeled her away. I blinked and somehow ended up at the police station where a lady came in to talk to me. I don't remember much about her, her cold hands rubbing consoling circles on my back. All I know is that she was the social worker who helped keep me from getting lost in the system. She had dark brown hair, deep caramel brown eyes, and a smile that was filled with so much power you knew she had seen the worst of things all her own. If I could thank her now, I would.

  When the courts had found out that I didn't have any other family they tracked down and contacted my biological father. He told them I was almost eighteen and old enough to take care of myself, he didn’t want me and that I’d be better off in the system until then. The social worker, my guardian angel at the time, fought tooth and nail to get the courts to agree to let me stay with Lily and Deb. I cried and cried when they finally agreed.

  It was only weeks after my mothers death that they had finally found Gary stashed away in a hotel room. He went into hiding after he killed my mom but the minute they found him, he confessed and got life in prison. I testified, with Lily, Deb and even Jesse their to support me, confessing all of the untold truths that had happened in my home. My heart sank and my throat closed when I saw the faces of the jurors as they listened, Lily and Deb were teary eyed in the benches behind the lawyers, but I'll never forget the look on Jesse's face that day. His eyes focused on me, soft and loving, he didn't look at me as if I was a victim. He didn’t look at me and see weakness. He looked at me like I was the strongest person he’d ever seen. Like I was a survivor. He saw strength in my weakest moments and he drew me in with his eyes. I fed off of his energy while I was up there. He was my anchor in those moments when I was telling my story up there and I couldn't help the tightness in my chest. He was there for me when I needed someone.

  Lily was the one who had told Jeremiah what happened to my mom, she kept him updated the entire time. He texted and called, my head wanted nothing more than to hear his voice, but my heart told me to ignore him for the time being and focus on myself. Focus on healing. On my new life. And that's what I did. It took two months after my mom's death for me to finally text Jeremiah.

  Hey

  Omg. Hi! Are u ok? Can I call u?

  Sure

  We ended up talking the entire night. Catching up on life and how he was getting ready to go to college at Miami Dade, discussing graduating until we got around to the topic of our relationship. Jeremiah had stayed devoted to me throughout all of my silence- all of my distance- still telling me that we were together, that he wasn't going anywhere even if I needed my space. And yet when he chose Miami Dade -the farthest college from me - I felt as though his words weren't as true as he thought. Like he was holding onto the idea of me rather than the reality. I still loved him, through everything, but there was a pit, a hollowness, in my stomach that filled with anger at him too. It was selfish and a bit childish but I wanted him to be the man who would have flown up to see me when my mom died. The man who would have hugged me and been there for me throughout it all. The guy who would tell me everything was going to be okay on repeat until it stuck in my head.

  But the reality of it was that he wasn't a man yet. He was still a boy, focused on his future. His career. His life. He did the best he could to make sure his girlfriend was okay. He tried to check in, tried to call. He even sent flowers for my mom's funeral. When I didn't respond he checked in with Lily to make sure I was doing alright and asked if I needed anything. He did the best he could but it just wasn’t enough. Not for me. Not for what I needed.

  Jesse on the other hand had been there with me every step of the way. Jesse helped pack up my stuff and move it into their home. Jesse helped Deb plan the funeral arrangements and talk to the lawyers about my mom's belongings. Him who held my hand-figuratively and literally- through the trial but throughout everything, he never treated me with kid gloves the way everyone else did. He was still his charming self throughout it all and to be honest, it was the best distraction through it all.

  I loved Jeremiah but after those two months I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel something more for Jesse. Jesse was there for me in a way I never thought I needed. I was living with the Blaines now and having Jesse stay in the same house as me made my growing feelings worse and considering I was still dating Jeremiah, I had to make sure I kept my distance. Which became extremely hard.

  "Boo!" Jesse's deep voice had hit my back and I jumped clutching the towel hugged around my naked body. "What the hell! What are you doing here? I thought I had the house to myself!" yelling I turned to face him. My eyes went wide at the view of his bare, chiseled chest dripping in sweat. His loose running shorts clung just enough to his thighs that it outlined his piece, and all of his gorgeous tattoos displayed openly for me to examine.

  "Stop staring." My cheeks flushed bright red and my eyes quickly met his as he smirked at me.

  "Don't flatter yourself!" I scoffed.

  "Please. You were pretty much drooling just now. Like what you see, flower?" he grinned the smuggest grin at me and I huffed, actually huffed, like a child and spun around. I began to walk toward the guest room -my room - but stopped halfway. His laughter made my blood boil and I stormed back to him.

  Pushing his chest I yelled, "I was not drooling number one, and number two you're not my type. I have a boyfriend. And stop staring at me when I'm in a towel!"

  "Funny. Does your boyfriend get you this worked up? If he did maybe you wouldn't be eyeing me up. By the way, where is he?”

  "You know nothing about him! About our relationship! And I am not eyeing you up, Jesse! I can't help it if your chest is bare in front of me with a ton of artwork plastered all over it! Put some damn clothes on!"

  "So you admit that you're looking at my body." the corner of his mouth inched up and he eyed me up and down. His smugness never ceased to get under my skin and I hated that he had that effect on me.

  "What? No. I'm just saying that anyone would want to look at art if it's in front of them and your body clearly has a ton of it." I gestured up and down his chest with my hand. I knew that what I had said didn't make any sense but I was trying my hardest to cover up my blatant ogling. He smiled and stepped closer to me grabbing my free hand, placing it on his sweat glistened body. I felt a shiver go down my spine and I couldn't help but relax my hand as I felt his firm muscles.

  "If you wanted to look, all you had to do was ask. I have no problem being naked for you." My eyes shot up to his and I coughed in an attempt to hide the sound of my rapidly beating heart. I was so thrown by his words that I didn't rea
lize my hand was still placed on his chest. Jesse grabbed it and began to trace my hand over his tattoos. A compass tattooed on left bicep with a map underneath it, it's detail was so exquisite it was as if you could grab it right off of his chest. He slid my hand down to his rib, tracing over an inscription that read "And here you are, living despite it all.”

  I felt my heart clench when I read it and my breathing hitched. The words meant so much to me but I could only imagine what had made him get those specific words inked on his body. Not giving me time to think he continued to move my hand down his body slowly, tracing every indent of his six pack abs. Goosebumps started to rise on my arms and I watched as they appeared on his chest. His hand loosened around mine, it took me a minute to realize that his hand had fallen to his side and he watched as mine still traced over his body.

  I looked up through my lashes trying desperately to hide my embarrassment and watched as he slid his bottom lip between his teeth. My stomach tightened and I felt a warmth between my legs. My lips parted involuntarily and I stepped a little closer as my hand traveled farther down. It felt like someone else -something else- had taken over. My fingers skimmed the waistband of his running shorts feeling the slight stubble where the trail of hair from his navel to below his shorts would be. He shaved. Hmm. I bit my lip thinking of what lay beneath and he cupped my face in his hands. I looked into his steel blue eyes, his pupils dilated so much they almost covered the blue. His thumb slid across my bottom lip and I reached up with both of my hands to pull him closer.

  Before my hands met the back of his neck I felt a breeze hit my entire body. My nipples instantly hardened. Jesse's eyes flew down to my body and I felt my towel pooled at my feet. My heart hammered, my nerves hitting me so hard I began to feel sick.