Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  "Don't you think you've had enough?" Jesse's deep, husky voice seeped into my ears and I closed my eyes as I took a long glug of my drink. I turned around to meet his eyes. His body so close my breasts were touching his chest. I looked up through my lashes, "Nope. I need something to distract me. Something to numb me." I held up my drink and nodded toward it, "This is doing just fine." Another big gulp burned down my throat as I stared at Jesse straight in his eyes.

  "There's other ways to numb the pain. Other distractions," his voice so low it sent chills down my spine. "M-hmm, like what? Cause right now, this is the only thing that's going to work." I looked around at all the people socializing. How could they all be fine? How are they talking and laughing? Jesse grabbed my half cup of Vodka and devoured it looking deep into my wide eyes. Shocked and angry that he just finished off my drink I went to open my mouth and yell but before I could say anything Jesse grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the upstairs bathroom. I looked behind us at all the guests as we passed, all of them giving small, pitying smiles as we made our way upstairs.

  Jesse pulled me into the bathroom. The one where he had fingered me the year before. The one where I nearly melted into everything that is him. Jesse stopped the minute my body got fully into the entryway. He spun me around swiftly to look at me and the next thing I knew his body was pushed up against mine as my back was pushing the door closed and his hand moved to lock the door. His mouth met mine, his tongue pushed to open my lips. A low, soft moan escaped my mouth and my eyes fell closed, taking in the pleasure he was giving me. Jesse's lips were the perfect combination of soft and hard. He was gentle but possessive and my limbs went lax, heat built between my legs instantly. His hand grabbed the hair at the base of my neck, tilting my head to deepen our kiss and he pulled my hair as he bit my lower lip. Drenched was an understatement for the condition of my panties.

  His big hands cupped my breasts through my dress. My mind was furious at all the layers that stood between us. Jesse moved from my lips to my jaw, biting, kissing, and leaving trails until he reached just below my ear. Whispering he said, "I need a distraction just as much as you. You want alcohol, fine. But I want you." Butterflies filled my stomach and a whimper escaped my lips as Jesse pushed his already hard length between my thighs. He cupped my ass and picked me up, as if I weighed nothing, pinning me to the door. My legs wrapped around his waist instinctively and I kissed him, sloppy and erratic. Everything outside of the bathroom, outside of us, of that moment, had disappeared. Jesse pushed further into me and I could feel his bulge trying to push through the hem of his black dress pants. His right hand traced up my thigh, sliding my panties to the side to feel my hot center.

  "God, you're so wet. Fuck, I need you. Right. Now." His voice was strained and a low growl escaped as he slid his fingers in and out of me. I whimpered at the feeling, his thick, slick fingers filling me up. God, I'd never wanted anything more. "Shhh baby, you have to try to be quiet." Jesse’s voice was scratchy and filled with desire. He dropped me suddenly and hastily moved me to the sink. My body faced the mirror as he lifted my dress up over my hips and pulled down my soaked panties. Jesse opened the drawer to my right and pulled out a condom. My heart raced with adrenaline and my body filled with lust. I watched as he lowered his pants, taking his length in his hand and rolled down the condom. My heart skipped a beat and my breath shuddered with anticipation. Jesse lifted my left leg up on the sink and rubbed the head of his dick along my warm, dripping core.

  "Mmm, so damn wet." He bit his lower lip and gently slid into me. I let out a small cry laced with pain and pleasure, while Jesse let out a groan filled with nothing but lust. "Oh fuck. You're so goddamn tight, Freya." Would this be a bad time to tell him I'm still a virgin? My subconscious yelled at me but my body indulged in the pleasure. "Try to be quiet, flower. We don't want anyone walking in on us, now do we?" Jesse bit his lip, winking at me. He placed one hand on my hip, the other on my shoulder, gently rocking into me as his eyes stayed placed on mine in the mirror. My body tightened and clenched to his with every slow thrust, the sharp pain a distant memory and filled with nothing but immense pleasure. God, if I could indulge in Jesse and his penis whenever I wanted, I'd never have a need for alcohol. Ever.

  My stomach started to tighten, a warmth filled me from my head to my toes and I felt my legs start to shake. Jesse's hand found its way into my hair pulling it, my head fell back exposing my long neck to him. He leaned forward, hitting me deeper and a loud moan flew beyond my lips. His teeth found my neck biting rough, wild and wet. I breathed out:

  "Yes.

  Yes.

  Please.

  Please.

  Please.

  Right there."

  I more than begged for Jesse to keep his pace. To keep biting and sucking. "Right there, baby. You're so close." His voice was gravely and breathless, "Come for me, flower. God, you look so damn sexy when you're about to come. Come for me, Freya." He kissed my neck between words and just like that, I fell apart. A broken cry of his name escaped my lips and I shook uncontrollably. Jesse's hand held me up around my waist so I didn't fall over on the sink and I sank into his touch.

  His tempo sped up and his thrusts became harder, rougher. Gripping me harder around my waist he grunted, "God, this is so deep. So, so deep." He was breathless and I didn’t know how much longer he was going to last. "You're so fucking tight. So tight, Freya. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I looked up in the mirror still breathless from my orgasm and watched Jesse unfold. He stilled and I felt the warmth of him spill out into the condom. He slowly worked himself down and then pulled out slowly, discarding the condom in the trash and placing a kiss on my shoulder as he readjusted my dress for me.

  "You okay?" His question came out low and shaky, as if it suddenly occurred to him where we were and what just happened. I nodded and gave him a small smile of reassurance. Jesse sounds me around cupping my face and kissed my cheek, "Thank you for the distraction. That was incredible. You. You were incredible." He kissed me once more on the lips, light and soft before motioning his head to the door, "See you out there?" I nodded again and watched as he left the bathroom.

  I turned around to look at myself in the mirror. What the fuck just happened? I shook my head trying to rid all of the emotions flooding my body. I attempted to make myself semi presentable. Trying everything I could to not return looking thoroughly fucked and when I could do no more, I grabbed my panties from the floor and moved to sit on the toilet. It's then that I saw the little bit of blood trickling down my thigh. Fuck! If he didn't know I was a virgin before, he sure as hell does now!

  Chapter 25

  "That's how you lost your virginity? At your best friends funeral? To her brother? Oh my God!" Teresa, a girl who I've grown fond of in the group, said in a breath. She’s in utter shock about my first time and I could help but let out a small chuckle, but in order for the new members to understand my story and Lauren, the group therapist, to help me heal I needed to explain my road. My journey to now.

  "Yup." I gave her my simple answer and nodded.

  "I think it's kind of sweet. I mean, yeah the circumstances weren't great but you guys clearly had something special and helped each other in a time of need." Denise, a new girl who just joined our Domestic Violence group chimed in.

  I looked up and met her eyes, giving her a sweet smile. "Yeah. It wasn't the flowers, music, candles and sweet love making on a bed most people imagine when they lose their virginity but it was special just the same. Jesse was special." My grin was so wide at the thought of Jesse that it took up almost my entire face. I couldn’t hide it based on the way everyone in the group was eyeing me.

  "Was?" Teresa asked quickly, sadness filling her eyes at my use of past tense. I looked over at her sheepishly and gave her a small smile. "He's always going to be special to me. He is special to me. Him and I just haven't...." I let me sentence trail off and another new member, Rebecca, chimed in with curiosity. "Is Jesse the reason you're here?" Her question made me gasp a
little and a tightness grew in my stomach.

  "God, no! Jesse has never laid a hand on me! Ever!" I said in quick defense, my heart racing at the thought of someone thinking anything bad about him. "I mean at least not in that way. Not in a way I didn’t like." I gave the group of eight ladies a sly grin. When I looked around the room, the new members gave me a quizzical look, as if trying to understand Jesse's role in me being here. I let out a light sigh before continuing. "Jesse was my rock. He became my everything when I went down hill. When I got lost and found my way to Kennedy," I shook my head trying to rid myself of all of the bad memories, "Jesse was there. He found me, helped me find my way back to myself. He protected me even when I didn’t realize I needed it."

  "So you guys are together?" Teresa asked, confused. I shook my head, my heart tightening with her question. "Um. No. I'm kind of with someone else now. Jesse and I lost touch a long time ago." All eight sets of eyebrows shot up at me. I've always been one to share during group, wanting to better myself, heal, but I never fully shared my story. It's been years since I first started coming here, only three of the women sitting here I've know since my very first day, but I've never told them about Jesse. About my life leading up to Kennedy, so sharing now, I understand why they’re intrigued and confused.

  I let out another sigh looking at Lauren for permission to continue my story. With a slight nod and a smile I looked back to the rest of the group and continued telling them my journey.

  ◆◆◆

  After the funeral I felt myself going back down the rabbit hole. When my mom was murdered I had Lily and Deb there to help me cope. Help me keep on living my life. Having them gone I found myself lost and numb. Jesse had to sort through all of the finances and belongings, he told me, or rather firmly suggested, I stay at the house but after a few weeks I couldn't keep passing Lily's room. I couldn't keep coming home to an empty house full of memories and nothingness. A town filled with nothing but heartbreak. So, on a whim, I packed up two suitcases and left in the middle of the night. I found myself staying in a hotel for a few days before finding a job in the city. A listing for a girl roommate just outside Jersey City caught my eye and before I knew it I was moving in.

  My new roommate Anna was barely ever around, she had a boyfriend and was constantly working, which suited my feelings of wanting to be alone. I found myself drowning in work, alcohol and sex. I had found a job at a hot and upcoming nightclub, dancing and bar tending. It was the best solution for what I was feeling. Free drinks and hot guys all around helped numb the pain of everything I had lost. Jesse would call and text me to check in and of course I would lie. Telling him that I was perfectly fine, doing great at my new job and new place, setting up plans to meet with him the next time he was in town and then coming up with excuse after excuse when he would arrive.

  Eventually catching on to my façade, Jesse started to show up at the night club when he was in town. Quick was the hottest club in the meat packing district of the city. Right off West 16th and 10th avenue, it was the prime spot for all the young adults who wanted sex, booze and lots of girls. Being twenty, I was hired as a dancer but when the bar needed it the manager let me bartend since I was a fast learner. He had me swear that everyone would be informed I was twenty-one and if I were to ever get caught I was to say he had no knowledge of me being behind the bar. To say that he was a little shady would be an understatement, but I loved my job.

  The club had three floors, each with their own theme of music. The hottest hits on the main floor, throwback on the second, and Spanish music on the top floor. The dance floors took up almost the entire space on each deck with the DJ's at the far back, lights flashing and flooding the room. The main bar was off to the center right of the room and the small black lounge booths were placed all around the walls. Five platforms were scattered around the area, two with cages around them and three opened for brave souls to join the dancers. I was always on one of the opened platforms, encouraging any hot man I saw to come join me.

  Our uniform claimed to be club etiquette which only meant that we couldn't be naked. The manager wanted us skimpy enough to bring in more people but dressed enough that they couldn't call the club a brothel. I always came to work showing cleavage and legs, my two best attributes since filling out.

  It was a little after a year since the funeral when I saw Jesse again, other than his quick stop ins at the club. It was a Friday night and my birthday was two day away. Twenty-one, I was excited beyond belief. I hadn't celebrated my birthday since Lily but this one gave me an excuse to drink my ass off. A reason to be shitfaced other than to forget. I was pouring shots of tequila behind the bar, flirting with one of the regulars Brad, whom I slept with on occasion, when a familiar voice flooded my ears. It was as if all of the music and voices in the club had gone quiet and all that was left was him and I. "I'll take one of those." I spun around slowly, my grin turning into a full blown smile at the sight of Jesse. "Hey there, flower. How ya been?" I slammed down the shots I’d been poring, slid them over to Brad, who was looking at me confused, and leaned my body over the bar throwing my arms around Jesse's neck.

  "Oh. My. God." The squeal of my words could have been heard throughout the entire club. "How are you? When did you get here? Why are you here? Oh. My. God!" My questions shot out of my mouth before I could even realize what was happening.

  "Whoa, slow down there, babe. Do you have time to chat?" I nodded my head focusing on the one word that sent shivers down my spine. Babe? I circled around the bar and ran up to Jesse giving him another tight squeeze, feeling his chiseled chest and muscular arms on my body it took everything in me not to melt. He pulled me back slightly so he could get a full look at me and I watched as his eyes traveled up and down my body, pausing on my curves and breasts before resting on my lips before making his way to meet my eyes. I tilted my head and gave him a you've been caught ogling look.

  "What? I haven't seen you in what? About a year? Can’t a guy look at you?" And that's all it took. I was biting my lower lip instantly at the sound of Jesse's luscious flirting. Ugh what I would give to have him in my bed. Jesse leaned down to my ear and whispered, "Don't do that, babe. I'll be pulling you into the bathroom for a quick fuck if you continue to bite your lip like that and I don't need my friends asking me questions." I swallowed a quick lump in my throat at his comment and tried to grab on to whatever strength I had left to not do exactly that.

  "Hey man, did you grab our dr......whoa!" A tall, muscular, brunette clapped Jesse's shoulder, "Well, hi there hot stuff, I'm Theo. And you are?" I giggled at him, taking in his full form. Six foot three, his muscular arms protruding through his grey button down shirt, rolled up at the sleeves and hanging loose out of his dark washed jeans. His brown hair slicked back and his caramel brown eyes glistened under the strobe light. Well damn. I looked back at Jesse, who was eyeing me up and down, his white button down clinging to his chest, showcasing all of his wonderful chiseled abs and muscles. His shirt rolled up at the sleeve as well, giving everyone full view of his tattoos and a silver wrist watch glistened on his left wrist. Jesse's hair was the perfect mix of styled and bed head, a loose strand lay on his forehead drawing attention to his lustful blue eyes. I couldn't help the heat that built between my legs at the two men that stood before me.

  "Off limits." Jesse spoke to Theo, eyes still on me, before I got a chance to stop taking them in. I snapped back to reality and tilted my head in question at Jesse.

  "Alright man, I get it. But I mean look at her. You can't blame me!" My cheeks turned crimson and I took my lower lip between my teeth. I thought I looked good tonight but damn that just made me feel even sexier. My black skin tight pencil skirt hung just long enough to cover my butt and just high enough to meet my bustier. The red lace contrasted perfectly to my naturally tan skin and being that it had been a year since Jesse had seen me, it was no surprise that he couldn’t help sneak looks at my now D cup chest, especially when I had it pouring out so proudly.

  Jesse le
t out a small growl and I laughed. I hadn’t seen him in so long, texting and phone calls did him no justice. He'd become one of my best friends since losing Lily and although I didn’t tell him everything, especially about all the drinking and sex, I knew that he was the one to have my back. Always.

  I made Jesse and his friends- yeah, friends, plural - three other just as sexy men with him, their drinks and caught Jesse up on my life. "So.....which one of these losers are you taking home tonight?" He gestured to all of the guys lined up at the bar, making no attempt to hide their obvious flirting with me. Jesse knew all about- some of- my sex-capades, he never once judged me but had always warned me to be careful.

  "Hmmm," I said, taping my finger to my chin, making a show of looking around. My eyes fell back to Jesse's and my stomach tightened, butterflies zoomed through me at the speed of light and I couldn’t help the hitch of my breath. "I think I'm looking at him," I whispered.

  Chapter 26

  The music was so loud that I could feel the bass shaking my entire body. Trey Songz Touchin' Lovin' was blasting through the speakers on the first floor and my body instinctively started to heat up listening to the lyrics. Jesse's eyes were glued to mine, the heat the poured through them made my thighs tighten and I pushed them together. His stupid smug grin told me that I didn't hide it very well. My teeth sank into my lower lip and I watched as his eyes moved to them. If he heard my comment about taking him home, he didn't make any indication because up until then he was talking with his boys and paying me little attention while I was handing out drink after drink. I looked at his face one last time and it was the worst decision I could have made because not only did my stomach tighten and butterflies swarm around inside but my panties became so wet I could feel the warm heat drip down my inner thighs. Goddamn he's hot!