by Kenna Bardot
I felt myself shutting down, the reality of the danger InkHaven posed to me only that much more serious now. I might have survived the Tumult because I’d done training but I’d needed Alec Gaius and Ronan as well, even more so for the First Trial after. I’d be dead without Alec Gaius and if there ever was a Trial where I didn’t have them, I was likely not to survive. “It was bad, Lot.”
“You haven’t talked about it at all,” she said each word carefully, deliberately.
“I haven’t wanted to think about how close I came to dying. Alec saved my life. That’s not an exaggeration.”
Lottie’s eyes bored into mine, but she didn’t ask how he’d managed to help me. It didn’t matter to her; all that mattered was that he had. “Well, then you’ll just have to keep training.”
“Alec Gaius thinks I’m different somehow, and I do agree. I agree even more since Docent Woods determined that I wasn’t completely ordinary. It’s just that it seems like something is blocking my connection to Air, like there’s a wall between us, and I can only access the little bits that leak through the cracks.”
She straightened, staring at me with her lips pursed. “I haven’t seen you in action very often, but from what I have seen I would guess that’s a fairly accurate statement. It’s there. I feel it when you try to draw on Air when we train together, but it’s like you don’t feel it.”
I shook my head, eyes widening. “You do? I don’t. Ever.”
She cocked her head to the side and we sat in silence for a moment before a smile overtook her face. “So, tell me about the fight,” she snickered.
“Oh, Zeevar’s sake. Don’t make me think about that steaming pile of shit.” I flopped back onto the bed again.
“Who won?”
“I’ve no idea! Alec Gaius seems to think that Vali didn’t lose enough, but I left as soon as Ronan hit poor Emerson. I haven’t seen Vali since to gauge his injuries in comparison to Ronan.”
She walked away and curled up on her own bed, resting a head on her hand and propped up on an elbow. She looked so perfect compared to me in my current corpse-like state.
“What? Ronan hit Emerson? No, no. I won’t digress. My money is on Ronan. Vali is huge, but Ronan’s protectiveness of you makes him go savage.”
I laughed outright, turning to my side so I could tuck my legs into my stomach as my body shook. “He doesn’t go savage, Lot. He just is savage”
She laughed with me. “Are you and Alec Gaius enough to keep him happy? With all that savage energy?”
“Well, if I were speaking to Ronan, we might discover that we don’t need to be,” I admitted before I could think about my words.
She sat up, a broad smile on her face. “You slut! Who? It can’t be Vali. Not after broken nose and bloodied lip.”
“Of course not.” I winced. “The fight made it very clear that such a thing will never happen.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t think-”
“Emerson,” I blurted out, slapping hands over my mouth as I did. I hadn’t meant to tell her, but anything was better than listening to her sympathize over Vali. I had two, soon possibly three men who were mine. I had no right to complain.
“Zeevar, I should have guessed. I was the one who told you they were friends at the start of the year. How’d it happen?”
“He expressed an interest.” I shrugged, grabbing a book out of my bad. Maybe if I settled down to read, she’d let it go.
She must have rocketed across the room because she almost immediately swatted it out of my hands, and I stared at the spot where it landed with wide eyes. “And are you interested?”
No go on the avoidance tactic, then.
“He’s sweet. I love Alec Gaius and Ronan, but-” I broke off at her squeal.
“You love them?!”
“Well, erm, yes?”
“Do they know?” she asked, bouncing on her heels.
“Alec Gaius does, yes. He told me he loved me first. I haven’t told Ronan though. He’s not exactly mushy feeling guy lately what with my near death and all.”
“Kaia, I think that would be even more reason to be mushy feeling guy?” Her eyes were confused.
“Not with Ronan. He just gets pissed, like he should be able to dick punch death itself and make it go away by force of will alone.” I rolled my eyes as Lottie laughed at me.
“Zeevar, that’s accurate. Even as a child and a teen Ronan was so growly and grunty. So Emerson?” she asked, getting back to the topic at hand.
I shrugged. “We’ll find out soon enough. We decided that we all have to agree when adding someone to our group, so it depends on if the guys are into him that way or not.”
“They’ll be into him. He’s a submissive guy. Alec Gaius likes taking it in the ass and giving it in the ass, and no matter how much he loves you, I’m sure he’s lacking a male companion to dominate. Emerson will take some of the pressure off you that way.”
“I don’t even want to know how you know that, Lot, because I just see you as having a sexual information bank in that thing you call a brain but thank Zeevar. Obviously it’s not a problem at the moment, but sometimes I wonder if my vajayjay is going to fall out walking down the hall one of these days.”
“Okay, that might be too much information,” she said, but she grinned at me.
I guess we shouldn’t talk about my jaw pain then.
Fifteen
Kaia
I strolled into the classroom, attempting to hold my head high even though I felt like a walking bag of poo. I hadn’t slept enough the last couple nights, which wasn’t much of a surprise. I’d slept cuddled in between my men for months, so sleeping alone far from suited me after getting used to having their presence, surrounded by their comfort.
“Kaia, good evening. Dare I ask where your shadows are?” Gaylord smiled, green and brown lighting up. The light hit his face, shadowing it and making him look exotic and mysterious - he had such unique bone structure.
“I wanted to come alone, Gaylord,” I said shortly, grabbing a cushion from the storage bin.
“That sounds… unlikely to have gone over well. Before you sit, I think I want to try something a bit different today.” He leaned back on his desk, the finely tuned muscles in his forearms popping as he gripped the edge. “However, you seem distracted. Before we do anything, tell me what happened. I want it off your chest so you can focus today. Focus is important for what I have in mind.”
I paused. Did I really want to talk about it with Gale? Perhaps I did, seeing as he looked so calm and cool there so I swallowed my nerves. “Ronan and I aren’t speaking. Well, I’m not speaking to him really. I’m also not on good terms with Alec Gaius.” I stood in front of him, fiddling with the hem of my tunic.
“I see, and what prompted this change?” Logical, practical. I didn’t know I had needed the objectivity until he confronted me with his.
“Ronan and Vali Madden got into a physical altercation, because they were arguing about who owned me first. After which, Alec Gaius seemed to agree that Vali deserved to be punched in the face.” I’d needed this, talking it out with someone who I knew could be objective. Lottie and Emerson had been supportive but I felt they just had a little bit of bias towards me.
“And you’re surprised?” Gale’s question should have pissed me off, but instead it made me chuckle. He lifted an eyebrow. “Ronan would pee on you if it would accomplish what he hoped, Kaia. That’s simply the man he is, abnormal as that might be. Alec Gaius, on the other hand, is certainly more refined and well-mannered, but we know how much he hates Mr. Madden.”
Another laugh along with a shake of my head. “I’m furious at them both, fighting over me like their opinions matter. Like I’m an object to be won and lost. I belong to whoever I want to belong to, and neither of them get to dictate that for me. Besides, where does Alec Gaius get the idea that it’s okay to encourage that kind of behavior?”
He stood from his perch on the desk, approaching me until he stood directl
y in front of me. “I’ve known Alec Gaius since he was a child but even young, he was always reserved and in control, but Vali Madden brings out the worst in him. So, after learning you had a history with Mr. Madden, I knew it was only a matter of time before things imploded. After all, a history like theirs colors feelings, skews viewpoints. No matter how much they respect you or how deep their feelings are for you.”
“So they were cavemen?” I huffed.
He chuckled in response. “To be succinct. On another, yet related, note I am very proud of you. The girl who first arrived here not long ago would never have stood up for herself like this.”
I reached out and touched his hand, but only barely. “I have you to thank for that.”
He shook his head with a sober smile. “I appreciate the gratitude however I would have to disagree since I only had to convince you to reveal what was inside you all your life. You just needed someone to believe in you.”
The thought sobered my amusement. My parents loved me; I never questioned that. But I couldn’t genuinely say they believed I would amount to much and I never did anything to convince them otherwise. As a child, my Ink was before I even reached puberty so I just had to be a child. When I’d survived, become re-Inked thus granted a chance to reach adulthood, it had been barely long enough to actually live a meaningful and fruitful life, so I’d always felt defective.
“Did you have anything else you wanted to say about your current problems?”
I appreciated that he would ask but knew I was taking up the time he so generously gave to help me on my personal problems. I shook my head. “No, not really, I’ve eaten up enough time. Thank you, Gaylord.”
“It’s no issue, Kaia.” He continued on seriously, the matter-of-fact docent back, “Alec Gaius mentioned his theory to me about you processing Air differently. Then there were the comments you mentioned Tomos made about you, so I’ve been thinking about things since then. As you’ve survived the Trial, I feel like it’s time to experiment a bit. You’re proficient enough with your sword as a weapon, but that’s more due to almost back-breaking training. It seems to be having difficulties assisting you as a conduit should even though it did accept you.”
“What did you have in mind?” I worried my bottom lip between my teeth.
“Describe it to me. The feeling you get when you aren’t getting enough air.”
I drew my arms around me and rubbed my arms that suddenly relived the sensation. “I feel...hot. The sensation starts from inside me. Like every fiber of me is suffocating and trying to breathe. My skin tingles and gets tight, like it’s stretching.”
He pursed his lips at me in thought. “That’s quite unusual, and the first time I’ve heard a Mage power manifest that way. I concur with Tomos and with Alec Gaius. I do now think it’s your body trying to connect with Air but struggling for whatever reason. Are you decently clad under your uniform?”
I nodded, stripping my tunic off to reveal one of my ever-so-useful sports bras.
“Decent?” His mouth tightened to a straight line, and he avoided looking at my torso pointedly.
I gamely swallowed my laugh and gave him wide, innocent eyes. “Yep. I am decent, Docent.”
He should see me in the room with my men.
He rolled his eyes and stared at my arms in curiosity instead. He ran his hands up and down my arms softly, making them bloom with goosebumps under his touch. I could have sworn I saw him take a deep, shuddering breath before he shook his head and stepped back.
“Thank you, Miss Shaw.” He gripped the lapel of his leather coat, adjusting it as he cleared his throat. “I’ve noticed, on multiple occasions, your curiosity draws you to a certain area in the weapons stores in the other room.”
“Yes. Something calls to my subconscious,” I confessed.
He nodded at me. “I suspected as much. Come along then.”
We went into the adjoining room, and he made me stand in the same place I’d stood when I’d cheated and plucked the sword off the rack.
“You know what to do, Kaia,” he urged me on and like I’d seen the others do all those weeks ago, I closed my eyes and raised my arms.
My hands trembled and this time I knew it wasn’t from nerves. Something quickened inside of me and I drew a sharp breath as I walked forward, my legs seemingly working of their own volition. I turned and bent forward, my hands grasping, like they knew where to go without a doubt. I grabbed the stock of what felt like a strong and thick leather whip, opening my eyes as I did so. I saw a slight curl of dark red light wrap around it as I pulled it out.
“It worked!” I turned and threw myself into a Gaylord’s arms for a hug and this time he caught me.
His eyes narrowed but he did smile at me. “So it did. Congratulations, Kaia.” I chose to ignore the moment of confusion I’d seen on his face. I knew it had been there, but I needed a few moments of normalcy and was willing to feign stupidity to hold on to them.
“Now what do we do?” I grinned at him.
He smiled down at me, lowering me to my feet. “Now we practice how to use it.”
✽✽✽
“I’ve had enough of this.” Alec Gaius burst into my room, and I cursed Lottie for not locking the door and myself for not checking when she’d left.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Alec?” I asked him coldly.
He looked pained as he stepped forward. “Look, I’m sorry. I know what I said was wrong, especially considering the circumstances and the people involved. I feel thoroughly and completely chastised, but this long has been enough of a punishment. So as I said, I’ve had enough.”
I knew how much of a blow his ego must have taken for him to admit he was wrong, and I relented. Besides, he had just pissed me off, it was Ronan I was really angry at. I jerked my chin at him. “Fine. Apology accepted, thank you.”
“You have to talk to Ronan Asher, Kaia Wren. Please, I beg of you. He’s getting impossibly difficult to live with. Broody one moment, insane the next.”
“That’s more of a punishment for you, isn’t it? Besides, I’m not ready to forgive him.” I turned my head to the window, choosing to ignore him if he was going to push the situation.
“I’m not saying he didn’t fuck up, Kaia.” I saw him holding his arms out in a frustrated stance in the unclear reflection on the window but even not seeing that I would have known he was annoyed as he didn’t call me baby nor by my full name. “What he did was shit, but what in Zeevar did you expect? He’s practically feral when it comes to you. In that situation, can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing.”
“Would you have punched Vali? You’ve hated him for years and if you compare that to how long you’ve known me and how I feel for him? A minute versus eons. Yet somehow you’ve restrained yourself from anything beyond a snarl or a sneer. In fact, I distinctly remember you simply kissing me when you were faced with a similar situation.” My arms crossed over my chest in defiance as I glared up at him.
“Sure, that’s me and I vastly prefer kissing. I figured it would punish him more to see that than to have a physical altercation that would only end in me bleeding, bruised or cut. But I’m not like Ronan Asher,” he agreed. “Madden brings out the worst in me, in us, because of who he was to you. I’m restrained because I felt like taking the high road when it came to him suited me, but ever since you came into my life, well, it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge where he’s concerned. You mean more to me now than being the best in my class ever did, Kaia Wren. You should know that, and you should know that seeing his hands on you - a man I hate with the woman I love - would be too much for me.” My arms slackened, dropping. I hugged my stomach, and I turned my eyes away from him. His admission that I meant more than his personal goals that had driven him for so long was enough to make any resolve I might have had melt.
“It wasn’t like he had his hands in my pants,” I scoffed instead. While I had forgiven him, I wasn’t quite ready to let him know that.
“No. Bu
t Ronan Asher and I both know that you loved him long before you knew we existed. And we know you love us now, but those feelings for him haven’t gone away, Kaia Wren. We see it, and while we’re not forcing you to stop how your feelings are, we do need you to keep him from touching you out of respect for us and of what we are to each other. It’s not being just a jealous and possessive man. Well, for Ronan Asher it mostly is but that’s basically his personality. But, more, it’s us trying to make a relationship.” His hands curled around mine, capturing them within those strong, manicured fingers and tugging them away from my stomach so he could hold them lightly.
“Wait, wait. You think I’m in the wrong?” I asked, pulling my hand back, though he refused to release me.
“No, Kaia Wren, don’t do that. Don’t twist what I’m saying. I apologized for what I said, and I am sorry. But I love both of you, and I refuse to take sides. Do you think while you’ve been mad at me I’ve been okay with him?” His voice was chastising, and I winced because I knew he was right. “I think you’re both wrong, in your own ways. He should have just talked to you, but you shouldn’t have been so angry with him either. At least not without talking to him first.”
I went to interrupt, and he cut me off before I could get a word in with a finger in the air. “Look, I get it. The first day without talking to us? I got it so I gave you that space. But it’s been three days now, which is why I’m here. Ronan is miserable, and I don’t think you’re doing any better. You need to talk to him. The two of you need to talk shit out.” He groaned, and I almost laughed - he hated sounding so unrefined.
I thought about what he said and, to his credit, Alec Gaius simply let me. I sighed and nodded. He released one hand to tug me from the room. Hand in hand, we walked to the boys’ room, which was a brief distance away. Every step had my stomach churning with anxiety.
It felt like forever.
Part of my delay in making up with Ronan was knowing how impulsive and infuriating he was. He was so determined to be in charge that he didn’t listen half the time.