I would have done the same for him, had the situation been reversed. I had done the same for him.
I cleared my throat, prepared to speak, when Taek dropped down on his knees in front of me. Before I could ask him what he was doing, his fingers had found their way to my left shoe, tying the laces correctly, albeit slowly.
There was a time when Taek seemed to know nothing but baduk, when he seemed almost helpless. There was a time when he needed me to do this for him.
What he was doing now was not lost on me. Almost all at once I realized that while I was changing, so was my old friend. I realized that in the years we had spent apart, our love for the same girl creating an invisible wedge between us, my friend had also grown up.
"There," he said, straightening his spine with a satisfied grin. "All done."
I surveyed his handiwork, felt something lodge itself in my throat. "Thanks," I said softly. "But why did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders, as if it was no big deal. "You've done it for me, so I did it for you."
“I didn’t even realize you knew how to do it.”
Taek gave me a sidelong glance. “There are lots of things you don’t know about me.”
Our eyes met and I blinked at him, surprised that there was no judgment in his eyes, no anger. Had the competition been in my mind all along? Had I created this void between us all by myself?
"Taek-ah." "Jung Hwan-ah." We both spoke simultaneously and I looked back down.
"You first," he said and I shook my head.
"No," I said, "you go ahead."
He took a deep breath before sitting himself next to me, leaning back until we were almost shoulder to shoulder.
"Should we fight it out?" He asked, his tone almost amused and I raised my head in surprise. "That's how people always resolve things in dramas and stuff, but I have to warn you that I'm not very good at fighting, which I'm sure you already know."
"Why would we fight?" I asked, confused.
"It seems like we should do something," he answered. "Since you and I can't go on like this forever."
"No fighting," I said.
"That's a relief. Should we just talk then?"
Should we talk?
It was something we probably should have done years ago. It could have maybe been that simple, had we both just been honest with each other, the way friends should have been.
"Did everything work out with Deok Sun?" His question came out of the blue and I examined it, marveled that though he sounded curious, I noted no pretense. For a brief moment I hesitated in answering him, still afraid to cause him pain, but reminded myself that we were how we were now because I refused to speak up in the past.
It was time to rectify some things. And I could never be completely happy with Deok Sun by sacrificing my friendship with Taek.
"Yeah," I responded quietly. "It all worked out."
"Good," he said, sounding almost relieved. "I'm glad."
"You are?" I couldn't contain the surprise and suspicion out of my voice, which earned another chuckle out of Taek.
"Of course," he said. "She missed you a lot." And then, sobering, "She's waited for you for a long time." He turned his head and met my eyes. "You'd waited for her a long time, too, right?"
"How... how did you know?"
"I didn't," he said ruefully, sounding almost regretful, "I was never very good at reading between the lines. You know that."
"So when..." My voice trailed off mid-sentence. How long has he known? And here I thought I did such a great job of hiding my feelings.
"I don't know when exactly," he admitted, "but I saw you watching her a few times in high school. Somehow I convinced myself it wasn't true. Maybe it was because I thought for sure that you would tell me if you did like her." He ran a hand over his hair. "I thought you'd talk to me. Maybe that's what I wanted to believe."
I sat and processed what he was saying, unsure of what to say, almost feeling as if Taek didn't need me to say anything, yet.
"It was what I wanted to believe," Taek continued, his eyes fixed on the field before us, "because I didn't want to think about what I would do had you really liked her, too." He was silent for a few seconds before he resumed speaking. "I was unfair to you, and I'm sorry."
"No, you weren't," I said, afraid that he would take this upon himself and shoulder the responsibility. He wasn't the only one to blame. How could he have known? If I stayed silent, how did I expect him to know?
"Yes, I was," he said. "I saw the picture in your wallet and I stayed quiet. I could have just asked you but I was selfish. I made myself pretend like I didn’t know how you were, like I had no clue what you were like."
"What I was like?"
He nodded, sent another smile my way. "You’re the type of person who would put your friends first, who would sacrifice what you want for the people you love. That you would do that for me. That whatever you might have felt for Deok Sun that you would consider me, too."
It hadn't completely been unselfish, if I was being honest. It was friendship that drove me, but fear, as well. Fear of being rejected by Deok Sun, of losing Taek. Even I could admit this now.
It's amazing what kind of insight time gives.
"I confessed to Deok Sun." His admission came out slowly and I was once again surprised.
"When?"
"A few months ago." His face was devoid of any expression. "She flat out rejected me."
"She did?" He nodded. "What did she say?"
"Not much," Taek said. "You know Deok Sun. She just kept apologizing. She never said your name, but I knew." Before I could ask him how he knew, he just carried on speaking, sounding as if he was glad to get this off his chest. "Deok Sun is not exactly the most subtle person in the planet," he answered. "And she kept randomly coming home. Like she was here all the time. When she wasn't in her parents' house she was at your parents' house."
"She was?"
"Yup."
"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned and he gave me a nudge.
"About what?"
"This," I replied. "Me and Deok Sun."
"Do I have a choice?"
I thought about his question and the answer came swiftly, without any doubts. "No," I responded. "I'm not letting her go."
"That's what I thought," he quipped. "She said almost the same exact thing."
"Did she?" I tried to sound even but even my voice couldn't hide my joy at hearing that.
"Yah, you don't have to sound so happy about it," Taek complained. "If I'm not mistaken, her exact words were, 'if Jung Hwan likes me back it will take nothing short of an act of God or a natural disaster to keep me from him ever again.'"
"She can be so dramatic sometimes.” I tried to sound like I couldn’t believe her, but found myself smiling instead.
"I just..." Taek said before he cleared his throat, "I'm happy for you both."
We both stopped speaking then, the silence between us feeling more like the silence past. It was comfortable and comforting, the way it was before all of this.
"So," Taek started, "are we good?"
"Good?"
"Yeah," he said, "are we friends again?"
"Were we ever not?"
"I don't know," he teased, "things were tricky there for a while."
I laughed before wrapping an arm around him, relieved when he didn't pull away. I've heard that the best friendships were the ones where you can go for years without speaking but when you do, the years melt away as if they hadn't happened. I hadn't believed it until now.
I didn't have to lose Taek to love Deok Sun. I didn't have to choose between love and friendship. I could have both.
Looking at Taek, remembering the years we spent growing up together, I was filled with gratitude. I was thankful that no more time was wasted, that I had friends who loved me as much as I loved them.
The realization may have come late, but still... it came all the same.
Deok Sun
"I'll get it," I offered and g
ot on my feet before anyone can say anything else.
We were in the middle of eating breakfast and my family stared at me, mouths open. Everyone was here except for Unnie, who was coming home next weekend.
"It can't wait until after breakfast?" Omma asked. "The newspaper isn't going anywhere."
"No," I said. "Appa wants to read the news."
Appa blinked at me in confusion, his chopsticks still suspended mid-air. "I do?"
I nodded vehemently. "Of course you do."
"But Noona," No Eul said, darting a glance between me and our parents, "you always tell me to get it."
"Not today," I said, smiling. "I'll do it today." I ran to the front door before anyone could stop me. Slipping my feet enthusiastically into my shoes I was out the door so quickly I almost tripped over myself.
I'd been up for a few hours, staring at the wall and giggling to myself like a loon. Despite having less than five hours of sleep, I was more awake than ever, filled with an excited energy that I have never felt before.
I slowed down as I climbed the steps, smoothing a hand over my bangs, wondering if I should have changed out of my pajamas. I rounded the corner and peeked up at the house on top of ours, standing on tiptoes and trying to see if Jung Hwan was up and about. Though the inner door was open there was no one I could see and I swallowed a jolt of disappointment.
Maybe he was still asleep, I thought, wondering if he wasn't as excited as I was. Trudging towards the gate, I had just bent down to pick up the newspaper when I saw two pairs of shoes and I stood back up.
I kept the surprise out of my face as I saw Jung Hwan, wide awake, and Taek, smiling happily, walking towards me. Jung Hwan had an arm wrapped around Taek's shoulder, his face more carefree than I can remember seeing in the last few years. They were talking animatedly and Jung Hwan said something that made Taek laugh, seemingly oblivious to my presence.
Taek stopped laughing long enough to see me standing in front of them and he stopped walking before giving me a wave. Jung Hwan stopped too, his eyes following Taek's, his lips curving as our eyes met.
"Deok Sun-ah," Taek greeted and I offered him a smile, looking at both him and Jung Hwan.
"Taek-ah," I responded. "Where did you guys come from?"
"Ah," he said, shaking his head at Jung Hwan, whose eyes were still firmly directed at me. "You know... here and there."
The openly assessing way Jung Hwan was looking at me made me feel self-conscious and I blushed to the roots of my hair. Jung Hwan was still silent while his eyes took me in, appreciation and love in his gaze. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, reminded myself that it was not appropriate to launch myself at him so early in the morning. Maybe later... but not yet. As if clocking the atmosphere, Taek cleared his throat before ducking out from under Jung Hwan's arm.
"I just realized," he said, almost sheepishly, "I told my Appa I'll be back for breakfast."
"Did you?" Jung Hwan asked, though his eyes never left mine.
Taek gave me a knowing look and laughed, shaking his head again at Jung Hwan, as if in exasperation. "Yeah," he said. "I'll see you guys later."
"Bye, Taekkie," I said, watching him as he walked away. By the time I dragged my eyes away from Taek Jung Hwan was next to me, barely a foot away.
He cocked his head to one side. "Aren't you going to greet me?"
Heat suffused me as I realized how close we were standing. His voice was teasing; it rumbled through me and warmed me through and through.
"Good morning," I croaked out, my hands wrapping around the newspaper tightly.
He leaned in and took a whiff of my hair, his chest almost resting on my shoulder. "Morning," he replied. "You smell nice."
"Do I?" I asked.
He came even closer, his face nuzzling my cheek. In broad daylight. "Jung Hwan-ah." His name came out breathlessly and he chuckled.
"Hmm?" He wasn't pulling his lips away and they drifted to my cheek, soft and velvety.
"What are you doing?" I asked. "People might be watching. They might think that..."
"I'm your boyfriend?" He finished for me, his eyes lit by amusement. "I am your boyfriend, aren't I?"
I looked at him. Blinked once, maybe twice. "We haven't even been out on a date!"
"Ah," he said softly. "But we've already fallen in love."
"That's true," I agreed. "And our friends already know." I sneaked a glance at him. "You spoke to Taek, right?"
"I did," he answered. "But you haven't answered my question."
The way he was looking at me was making it difficult to remember what we were talking about. All I could think of was that his lips were this close to mine.
"What question?"
He sighed audibly. "Am I your boyfriend?"
"Do you want to be?"
He threw his head back and laughed. "Do you not want to be my girlfriend?"
I was about to respond when Sun Woo appeared from behind the gate, holding a plate, already been to Jung Hwan's house it seemed, much like we all used to do on a regular basis.
"Jesus Christ," he complained, "you two. Are you arguing again?" When both Jung Hwan and I looked at him blankly, he wrinkled his nose. "You're his girlfriend," he told me, and then to Jung Hwan, "You're her boyfriend. There... problem solved. I swear... you two are so difficult. I think you just like to argue about nonsensical things sometimes."
He walked towards his house muttering to himself and once he entered the gate, I let out an indignant sound.
"Who is he to tell us what to do?" I asked, annoyed. "Just because he's Unnie's boyfriend doesn't mean he can order us around. We decide what we are. We do, not him. I'm gonna beat him..."
"Deok Sun-ah," Jung Hwan interrupted before I could continue my tirade.
"What?"
"Has anyone ever told you how cute you look when you're mad?"
Well, that shut me up.
November 1995
Jung Hwan
I stood by the arrival gate, shifting my weight from foot to foot. I craned my head over the crowd and checked my watch impatiently.
She'd said they were landing on time. Maybe I should move to the front of the queue.
I weaved my way through the other people and looked around. I noted, with some apprehension that some of the people waiting had placards and others had flowers. Suddenly wondering if I should have prepared more, I tightened my hold on the bag I carried, flushing.
It's been almost a month since Deok Sun and I became a couple. We had not seen each other since that idyllic, surreal weekend, when we spent almost all our waking moments together. Or at least as together as we could be with me staying at my parents upstairs and her staying with her parents downstairs and all our friends home as well, in their respective households.
Though we spoke on the phone every day, I was pretty sure she was frustrated with this distance. And maybe, me, too. I had never been much of a talker, preferring to think things than to actually say things; it was still an adjustment to be with someone who asks, no, demands that I speak of everything that is going on in my mind. I had only just gotten myself comfortable with the idea that she loved me back. It might take a little while for me to actually just blurt things out.
My girlfriend definitely got the shorter end of the stick.
I straightened my shirt for the umpteenth time, ran my fingers through my hair nervously. The whole drive here I wondered if, in the following days after we got together if she'd change her mind about me.
Well, I thought, if she had then I'll just have to win her over all over again. The thought made me cringe. I didn't do so hot the first time around.
In the middle of checking the time, again, a vision appeared from the corner of my eye. Someone was walking through the throng of people who just came at the arrival gate. Her eyes scanning, she broke into the biggest smile when our gazes met. Despite my reserved nature, I felt my face mirror her expression, my mouth curving up into a smile of my own.
She quickened her
strides until she was practically running towards me and I began to walk. Her hair was pulled back, revealing the face that I knew so well, but in some ways I had still yet to discover. When we were but a couple of strides away, she launched herself at me, her arms wrapping around my neck.
I was so unused to receiving spontaneous bouts of affection that my first instinct had been to stiffen up. But when I looked down, I saw the expression on her face and nothing else mattered. Deok Sun was here, looking as content and happy as I had ever seen her. Deok Sun was here for me.
I leaned down and breathed her in, uncaring now that there were still people around us. I felt soft fingers over my forehead, her touch gentle and loving, before she placed a kiss on my cheek. The chain around her neck blinked at me and I didn't have to look down to see my ring hanging from it.
Goodbye, Hello Page 10