"Jagiya," she said, her voice whisper soft. I blinked a couple of times when I realized that it was the first time she has called me something else other than my name.
I liked it. I really liked it.
I could feel the goofiest of smiles form on my face and I only just managed to straighten my expression when she pulled away and took a good look at me. Unable to resist, I ran a hand down her hair, still surprised that she did not turn away from my touch.
I cleared my throat. "Did you have a good flight?"
She nodded, the smile that I know so well gracing her mouth. "It was okay," she said. "It feels weird flying now as a passenger since I do it for a living. Is it like that for you, too?"
I shrugged my shoulders, allowed myself to pull her close one more time before reluctantly releasing her. As soon as I did, she took hold of my hand and interlocked her gloved fingers with mine. We were almost out of the airport when I remembered the bag I carried.
"Oh," I said, stopping mid stride. Turning to her, I watched as her eyes took me in, her gaze warm and tender. "This is yours."
She took the bag with her free hand. "Mine?" She asked, her brows lifting enquiringly. She looked down for a second but made no move to open it. "What is it?"
Deok Sun
I had almost forgotten how handsome he was. Almost, but not quite. In my mind I always saw him as the Jung Hwan I grew up with, so much so that I practically forget that he was no longer that boy.
Until moments like now, when the sunlight filtering through the airport walls made a slash of light over his impossibly high cheekbones and generous mouth. His dark brown eyes were focused intently on me, traveling over my face as if it was the only thing that mattered.
"This is yours." He was holding out a bag towards me, from a store whose name I didn't recognize.
"Mine?" I reached for the bag with my other hand, keeping the one that was holding his firm. When he didn't respond, I looked down and couldn't see anything. "What is it?"
He looked away. "Just open it."
I narrowed my eyebrows at him. "Why can't you just tell me what it is?"
"You can just open it." I wasn't exactly quite sure when Jung Hwan's tone of frustration started sounding a hell of a lot like affection to me, but every time he sounds aggravated I just see it as more proof of his love for me.
He was so quiet normally; it seemed almost an aberration that he was so argumentative whenever he's dealing with me. But... as long as I was the only one he was bickering with, I found that I didn't mind it so much.
"Just tell me what it is," I demanded, enjoying the banter, expecting him to throw his hand in frustration at my stubbornness any minute now.
"Do you not want it?" He asked, trying to take it back.
I almost laughed. I know people might think that it's bizarre how much I enjoyed seeing Jung Hwan annoyed, but it's nice to know this was Kim Jung Hwan who I was in love with and who loved me. Sure... he can act like everyone else and be all lovey dovey, but Jung Hwan is not like that.
I knew that when I fell in love with him. In fact I think it's the proof to how real this was that he could just be himself and still be loved. Just like I felt with him.
For the first time in my life I knew what it felt to be accepted as I was, flaws and all.
"How are you going to take it back?" I asked, pretending to be angry. "You already gave it to me."
"You don't even want to see what's in it!"
"I do, too," I said, pulling on the bag so hard that when he let go, it almost smacked me on the face. I glared at him. "God... what is the big deal anyway?" I asked as I pried my hand away from his and began pulling the tissue paper out. "What could be so important that you have your shorts all bunched..."
My words stopped when I pulled out the softest pink scarf from the bag, the color exactly the same as the gloves I wore on my fingers.
Momentarily rendered speechless, I lifted my eyes only to see him watching for my reaction. My breath caught in my throat, I looked away as my eyes filled with tears.
He knew me so well, I thought, remembering how I had come to own my most favorite pair of gloves to begin with.
"Do you not like it?" He asked, his voice full of concern, as he lifted my chin to look into my eyes. "If you don't like it we can take it back. If you didn't need one we can just return it and you can pick out something you want. I just thought..." he blew out a breath, "I just thought with winter coming that you would need one. One that matched your gloves, but..."
I leaned in until our lips connected, effectively stopping him in the middle of his seemingly one way conversation. "I love it," I whispered. "I love you."
"Really?"
"Yeah." I wrapped it around my neck and struck a pose, batting my eyelashes at him. "How do I look?"
His mouth relaxed into a small grin. "How you always look," he answered. "Ugly."
On a literal level I knew exactly what he said, but the way he said it... the way he said it, made 'ugly' sound as if it was the most beautiful thing on Earth. Part reverent, part amused, the timbre in his tone made me want to curl up my toes inside my shoes.
That's the thing about Jung Hwan. Some people may think that he's brash in his speech, that he can be callous in his opinions, but the truth was that he merely liked to hide behind that toughness. And unless you knew him, you would never guess the kindness that lives inside of him.
It was a lucky thing that I knew him.
"Yah," I said, "do you know how lucky you are? If you called another woman ugly and she was your girlfriend, do you even realize the drama that would ensue? Never mind that she would probably hold it over your head forever." I flipped my hair. "Whereas I... don't need any of that, since I know you so well. Aren't you lucky?"
I was just teasing him, but he didn't even bat an eyelid before he responded. "Yes," he said in all seriousness. "I know exactly how lucky I am."
"As long as you know." I grabbed one of his arms and wrapped it around my shoulders. "I'm very lucky, too."
"Not as lucky as me."
"Luckier."
"No way."
We continued bickering as we walked to the airport parking lot where his car was waiting. As he opened the car door, he asked, "where do you want to go first?"
"I don't know," I responded. "You're the one who knows Sacheon."
February 1996
Jung Hwan
We all had gathered together in Ssangmundong, in Taek's room. Deok Sun and I held hands under the table, and Sun Woo and Dong Ryong were talking about... something to my other side. My gaze was fixed on the show in front of me, the starting credits for "Sandglass" flashing on the screen.
"Yah..." Deok Sun asked, her voice sarcastic, "aren't you glad we came home?"
As soon as the first CF came onscreen, I turned and scowled at her. Without saying anything, I directed my attention to Sun Woo, who was currently pretending not to notice mine and Deok Sun's noticeably absent hands. "Yah... when's Taek coming back?"
He looked at his watch. "Anytime now, I should think."
"Did he win?" Dong Ryong asked. "I was working and didn't get a page."
"Yeah, he called me a few hours ago." I drank from the glass of juice in front of me even as I felt Deok Sun's head whip around. I looked at her and raised my eyebrows, as if asking 'what?'
"He called you?" She asked, her face relieved. I nodded. "I'm so glad. Everything is okay with you guys now, right?"
I thought about her question. Was everything alright between me and Taek? I smiled, a little wistful. Perhaps that had been the problem, many many years ago. Things had always been alright with me and Taek, making the decision I had to make even harder back then.
It might have been because I loved him so that I felt as if I couldn't possibly love Deok Sun and still be his friend.
Perhaps it was a testament to our friendship that to this day we never spoke about it. Just as I had once stepped aside for him, he had done the same for me. Just as we both ha
d done for Deok Sun, for her to be able to make her own decision.
About a week after that night Deok Sun and I came together, Taek had won a baduk competition. He called me first to share the news. And just like that it was as if everything had been forgotten... that everything had been forgiven.
"Hold on..." Dong Ryong continued, "if his match ended hours ago, why is he not home?"
Sun Woo chuckled. "He had a second date today."
"WHAT?" Deok Sun and Dong Ryong said simultaneously.
"He actually went on a second date?" Deok Sun asked out loud, to no one in particular. Sun Woo and I exchanged a look and Deok Sun creased her brows in understanding. "Is this why we had to absolutely come home today?" Her voice was still confounded, though maybe not as annoyed.
Before I could answer, the door opened and Taek appeared. He had only just taken a step in his room when he discovered that we were all there waiting, boxes of untouched pizza already on the table.
His face broke out in a smile as he put his bag down and sat next to Deok Sun. He glanced at our hands and began to laugh.
"Why are you still hiding your hands?" He asked us innocently. "Everyone here already knows that you two are together."
"Right?" Deok Sun asked, no ounce of shyness in her voice. "We already made out in...."
I cleared my throat before she said any more. "So how did it go?"
Taek took a deep breath before helping himself to a slice of pizza. He took a bite before responding. "It was very strange," he answered, thoughtful. "She seems to really like me?"
Dong Ryong nodded enthusiastically. "That IS weird. Maybe it's because she doesn't know how helpless you are, yet."
Rather than protesting, Taek merely concurred.
"Do you like her?" Deok Sun asked as she helped herself to a slice of pizza, assured now that it was okay to eat since Taek has arrived.
Taek, if it was possible, looked even more confused than he did thinking about this woman liking him. "I don't really know yet."
"That's natural," Deok Sun said sympathetically. "I mean those things take time, right? Unnie wasn't quite sure she liked Sun Woo at first. I..." She emphasized the word, "I didn't know how I felt about Jung..."
"Yah," I warned her. "I'm still here."
"What?" she responded cheekily. "I was just saying."
Sun Woo and Dong Ryong were shaking their heads at us, laughing.
"Do you two ever stop bickering?" Sun Woo asked. "It's hard to believe you really are together."
Deok Sun pouted, grabbed my arm impulsively and leaned closer to me. "That's because you've never seen us just by ourselves. We are amazingly sweet and romantic...”
"Really?" The disbelief in Taek's voice had me chuckling silently, already knowing that Deok Sun was only going to get defensive.
"Don't sound so surprised," she warned him, lifting her chin up, as if in defiance. "I'll have you know that my boyfriend is the best."
Despite knowing that there was a possibility that she might just be saying that, I couldn't help but puff up with pride, at both the possessive tone in her voice, as well as what she said.
"The best at what?" Dong Ryong asked. "Being grumpy?"
Deok Sun glowered at him. "He's the best at everything," she said. "It sucks sometimes to hang out with you guys, did you know that?" Averting my eyes, I felt her glare directed unto me as she lowered her voice. "And especially not on our 100th day."
"It's your 100th day?" Dong Ryong asked. "Why are you guys here?"
Deok Sun shook her head, then pointed at me. "Ask him."
Sun Woo looked confused, looking back and forth between me and Deok Sun. "Hold on," he said, "aren't you guys going to celebrate this weekend, though?"
"No," I quickly responded fixing my eyes on his, trying to send the message (telepathically) not to say anything else.
"But you said you were going to..."
Obviously that plan had not worked and I ended up resorting to clapping a hand over his mouth, accompanied by a scowl. I looked over at Deok Sun, to realize, with some relief, that just like in high school, she still had the amazing ability to zone us out. At this moment she was currently distracted by the show playing on television.
"Does she not know you're taking her to Jeju?" Sun Woo whispered. I shook my head no. He nodded in confirmation before mouthing 'sorry.'
"Jung Hwan- ah..." Deok Sun said, once the commercials were playing once more.
"Hmm?" I asked, relieved that she heard nothing of mine and Sun Woo's conversation.
"I want to sleep over here tonight."
"No." Before I even had the chance to reply, all of our friends already answered for me.
"What?" she asked, hurt. "Why is it that when I didn't have a boyfriend I couldn't sleep here because of my," she cleared her throat, "reputation, and now that I do have one and he's right here, I'm still not allowed?"
"Yah," Dong Ryong said, "We see you all the time. We want to spend time with him, too."
"Deok Sun-ah." Taek said. "We don't let Bora Noona stay here, either."
"But that's because she's scary," Deok Sun retorted and crossed her arms over her chest. "But I'm your friend."
"But you're also his girlfriend." This came from Sun Woo.
"I'm okay with it," I said, and Deok Sun turned around and beamed at me.
"I'm not," Sun Woo said. "If your girlfriend gets to sleep over then my girlfriend should be able to, as well. And when Taek has a girlfriend, will we invite her too? What about Dong Ryong? When he gets a girl..." He stopped mid-sentence. "Maybe we don't have to worry about him."
"I hate you guys." Dong Ryong kept his eyes at the television, his expression forlorn.
"Jagiya," I whispered to Deok Sun as I scooted closer to her. "You don't want to sleep here anyway."
Her eyes widened. "I don't?"
I shook my head slowly. "Have you smelled Dong Ryong's farts?" She burst out giggling and the sight of her face, practically bursting with joy, and her laugh, warm and unrestrained made me smile too. "I'll tell you what, though... we can have a sleepover, if you want."
"We, as in all of us? Girlfriends and all?"
I shook my head before looking away, could already feel my cheeks burning. "No," I answered. "We, as in you and me." She didn't answer right away, looking a little nervous. It was such a strange expression on her, one I very rarely see. "We don't have to do any..."
"Okay," she said quickly, her cheeks blushing.
"Okay?"
"Okay." She nodded, her hand squeezing mine. I thought that our friends heard nothing of our conversation, until I heard someone clear their throat and turned my head to see three pairs of eyes watching us.
Taek was trying to not to laugh.
Sun Woo was looking around, as if he didn't need to be hearing this.
And Dong Ryong... Dong Ryong was watching us closely and eating chips, as if there was nowhere else he'd rather be.
April 1996
Deok Sun
I took a whiff of the crisp spring air, feeling more content than I have all my life.
Jung Hwan and I walked hand in hand, trailing behind Jung Bong Oppa and Man Ok. We had all just been out to dinner, and were now walking to Jung Hwan's car. Ahead of us, Oppa and Man Ok walked with their arms interlinked. I watched, a little enviously, as he pulled her close to him and whispered something in her ear, then looked at Jung Hwan, his face unreadable.
Around us there were couples walking around in similar fashion, openly affectionate and so close you could barely discern one person from the other.
I felt the beginnings of a frown on my face. Though Jung Hwan has gotten a bit more comfortable with physical affection than he had been in the past, he was still so... cheap with it. Even the weekend we spent in Jeju was spent in two different rooms, and the sleepover he promised really consisted of him sleeping on the floor and me on the bed.
"Jung Hwan-ah."
"Hmm?" He turned his head and looked at me enquiringly.
He looked puzzled, as if he didn't know who I was talking about. “Him?"
"Jung Bong Oppa," I said. "Or them even."
"Who's them?"
I waved my hand around us, pointing to no one in particular. "Everyone."
Jung Hwan looked confused. "What do you mean?
"Just..." I tried to find the words as we walked, unable to explain how I feel in a way that he would understand. "It's just... I'm okay with you not saying much, but can you be more..."
"Touchy?" He finished for me.
I pursed my lips together. "Actions are supposed to speak louder than words and that... but your actions are kind of..." I searched for the right word, "not saying enough. You didn't even say anything about my skirt. Sometimes I wonder if you like me at all, much less love me." I deflated when I heard how needy I sounded. "Even Bora Noona is more affectionate with Sun Woo."
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