One Bad Apple

by Zack Zombie

  “One or both nostrils, your eminence, sir?!” his sister says.

  Then he probably just stays on his throne all day playing video games.

  Man, I bet if I was more like Blaze, then my life would be so much easier.

  Tuesday

  Today was Rajit’s first day of school.

  I walked him to school so he could find his way.

  “I’m not used to hopping around to get different places,” Rajit said. “It is primitive, but very practical.”

  “How do you normally get to school?”

  “Well, I just teleport to one of the rooms at our estate.”

  “You have a school at your house? Doesn’t that mean that you’re homeschooled?”

  “Yes, I guess it does. Since it’s the only school in our biome, then I guess everyone else is homeschooled at my house too.”

  Wow. It must be really nice being rich.

  “Well, this is the principal’s office. He’ll probably assign you a buddy to show you around the school. I’ve got to get to class, so I’ll see you later.”

  “Can you be my buddy?” Rajit asked me.

  I felt bad for Rajit. Being a small runt in a new school is like being a baby chicken at a wolf convention. I thought about asking Principal Slime to move me, but I knew that if I became Rajit’s buddy, I wouldn’t be able to hang out with Blaze.

  “I’m sorry, Raj, but those are the rules, and they’re pretty strict. But I’m sure you’ll find someone really nice who can show you around.”

  As I walked away, I looked back, and it looked like Rajit was rubbing his eyes or something.

  Huh, must be allergies.

  At lunch time, I was so happy because they were serving my favorite food… Cake!

  I was so hungry that I grabbed a few pieces. The Zombie lunch lady saw how hungry I was so she gave me a few extra pieces more. Then I saw Skelee, Slimey and Creepy sitting down at our favorite table at the back of the cafeteria. So I grabbed a few more pieces for those guys too.

  As I was walking over to sit with my friends, I passed the table with all of the cool kids. Suddenly, I noticed that Blaze was sitting in the middle, with all of the other kids just hanging around him.

  Wow, Blaze has only been here a few days, and he’s already the most popular kid in school.

  All of a sudden, Blaze saw me.

  “Hey Zack!”

  Blaze yelled for me as the other kids looked at me like I had human cooties.

  “He…hey… Blaze. What are you guys doing?”

  “Hey Zack, why don’t you talk like you did the other day… I told the guys you were a real gangsta.”

  So I tried talking out of the side of my mouth again. It was kind of hard without the staples, though.

  “Sup, Braze. Wazzarppenin’?”

  “PFFFFFTTT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  All the cool kids started laughing. And boy did I feel stupid.

  “I told you he was cool. Hey, Zack, why don’t you come sit with us?” Blaze asked me.

  What? Blaze thinks I’m cool?

  “Aight!” I said out of the side of my mouth.

  “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  I looked over at Skelee, Slimey and Creepy down at the back table, and they all looked real sad.

  I guess they’ll understand. It’s not every day you get to sit at the cool kid’s table.

  “Hey, you don’t want that, do you?” Blaze said as he grabbed a piece of cake off my tray.

  Then all of the other kids grabbed some pieces, until I only had a few crumbs left.

  Heh. It didn’t matter.

  I wasn’t that hungry anyway.

  Wednesday

  Man, I can’t believe that all the cool kids at school let me hang out with them yesterday.

  And all because of Blaze.

  Wow, that dude is so cool.

  But yesterday I noticed that all of the cool kids were looking at my clothes and making funny faces and whispering to each other.

  I felt kind of weird.

  I also noticed that none of them were wearing a turquoise shirt and blue pants.

  Oh man, is that it?!

  Could the reason I’ve been unpopular my whole life is that I’ve worn the same clothes as long as I can remember?

  Come to think of it, all of the unpopular Zombies wear the same turquoise shirt and blue pants.

  I bet if I change my look I’ll be as cool as Blaze, I thought.

  But what should I change my look to? I mean, having the same shirt and pants makes life really easy for a Zombie in middle school.

  Especially since I’ve never had to wash them.

  But what’s going to be my new look?

  I got it!

  Since Blaze is the coolest kid in school, if I just dress like him, then I’ll be super cool too.

  Hmmm. Let me see. Since Blaze is a Blaze, he doesn’t wear any clothes at all.

  Come to think of it, a lot of the other mob kids don’t wear any clothes either, which is kinda weird.

  But still, if that’s what a brutha has to do to earn some respect, then I’ll do it!

  So goodbye turquoise shirt!

  Goodbye blue pants!

  Goodbye Squarebob Spongepants underwear!

  Tomorrow, I’m going to be the coolest un-dressed kid in school.

  Bring it!

  Thursday

  I got suspended from school today.

  The principal said it was because of something called, “indecent exposure,” whatever that means.

  I mean I don’t get it.

  Half the school walks around naked, and they never get in trouble.

  I mean, Endermen walk around naked…

  Skeletons walk around naked…

  Slimes walk around naked…

  Even Creepers walk around naked…

  But if a Zombie decides to go “AU-NATURAL,” people just can’t accept it.

  Wow, so much for equal rights.

  But I still need to come up with a cool new look…but one that won’t get me suspended.

  Hmmm…

  I got it!

  One thing about my Dad is that he doesn’t throw anything away.

  Since he used to be in a band when he was in high school, he used to collect all these cool music magazines. I bet I can get some good ideas from there.

  It’s kind of funny imagining my Dad in a band.

  I think he said their name was the UNGRATEFUL DEAD.

  It even had humans in it.

  Yeah, my Dad was a real rebel in those days.

  “Here it is!”

  “Music of the 80’s—Annual Edition.”

  I bet I can get a lot of great ideas from here.

  Well, here goes nuthin’.

  Thursday

  Late Entry

  Well, I finally found my look.

  Putting it together was a little tough, though.

  It’s a good thing that I found a bunch of Dad’s old clothes in the trunk where he kept his old magazines.

  For some reason there were a bunch of wigs in there too.

  A little “TMI” that I didn’t want to know about my Dad…

  Anyway, I tried to take a “selfie” with my new cellphone, but it didn’t have a camera.

  I guess they didn’t think a 13 year old zombie would need to take selfies.

  Man, I hate this phone.

  It’s a good thing I found my Mom’s camera in the trunk, though.

  It was kind of old, but at least it printed the pictures out right away.

  So here it is…Zombie 2.0!

  So look out Mob middle school…

  Zack is on the attack!


  Friday

  “Dude, what’s that growing on your head?”

  “You look like you grew a mustache but forgot where your nose was.”

  “You look like a sabre tooth tiger coughed up a hair ball and you caught it with your head.”

  “I didn’t know that mold could grow all wild like that.”

  I guess the kids at school didn’t appreciate my Dad’s wig.

  I got rid of it by second period.

  I tried to flush it down the toilet. Except, I don’t think it worked.

  They had to evacuate the building school because someone said they saw a giant rat floating out of the boy’s bathroom.

  I guess I’m going to have to do my new look without the “rug.”

  At lunch, all the cool kids were complimenting me on my new look.

  There I was sitting with Blaze and the other cool kids, and nobody was making funny faces and whispering around me anymore.

  Now they just made faces and talked about all the other kids.

  “Hey, look at those three losers sitting at that table,” one of the cool kids said.

  “Yeah, those guys are really a bunch of @#$%?&!” another kid said.

  “Hey, Zack, didn’t you used to hang out with those losers?”

  “Naw, not me. I don’t know those guys,” I said as I tried to avoid Skelee, Slimey and Creepy from seeing me.

  “Hey, look at this weirdo walking in the cafeteria.”

  All the guys turned and started laughing at the little square kid that hopped into the lunchroom.

  “HAHAHAHAHA!”

  Oh man, what’s Rajit doing here?

  I tried to hide behind a Slime kid that was sitting next to Blaze so Rajit wouldn’t see me. But, Rajit saw me and he waved at me.

  “Look, the little noob is waving at us.”

  “HAHAHAHAHA!”

  I started laughing too.

  But next thing I know, Rajit lowered his hand, and then his shell closed around him and he teleported away.

  “HAHAHAHAHA!”

  “That’s what he gets for messing with us, right Zack?” Blaze said as he patted me on the back.

  “Yeah, right, Blaze,” I said, as I laughed a little.

  But the truth was, I felt terrible.

  Then my shirt caught on fire.

  Saturday

  My Mom and Dad wanted to go visit my grandparents this weekend, and we brought Rajit with us.

  Rajit was smiling and laughing, as if the thing at school never happened.

  He even gave me a small booger sculpture that he made last night.

  “What is it?” I asked him.

  “It’s an Elephant. We have many of those where I come from. It’s the national mascot of the Endian biome.”

  “Thanks, Raj.”

  I felt really bad taking it, especially after the way I treated him at school.

  But it was really nice. It looked like he used some Prime Grade A boogers to make it too.

  It was shiny too. I could tell he spent a lot of time buffing it up real nice.

  “We’re here! Grandma and Grandpa’s house!” Dad said.

  Grandma and Grandpa Zombie are really cool.

  They’ve been around a really long time.

  I like coming to Grandma and Grandpa’s house because they always give me and Wesley the coolest presents.

  One year Grandpa gave me a set of Zombie Army replica soldiers from the last Zombie Apocalypse.

  And Wesley got some Squarebob Spongepants action figures.

  But Wesley would always start crying because my Zombie Soldiers would keep eating his Squarebob Spongepants action figures.

  MUAHAHAHAHA!

  Grandma and Grandpa have a cool house too.

  It’s got a lot of rooms and cool places to hide.

  But the one place we can never go was in the attic.

  One time when I was seven, I tried going up there. But Grandpa and Grandma found me and they got really mad.

  But this time, I’m not going to get caught.

  Yeah, I know. I probably shouldn’t do it.

  But I know Blaze wouldn’t be afraid, and neither will I.

  Grandpa keeps the attic key around his neck. So it’s going to be a little tricky trying to get it.

  But the good thing is that when Grandpa takes his afternoon nap, he’s as dead as a doornail.

  I’ll just sneak it off of him and then I’ll take a peek at what’s really in the attic.

  “Hey Zombie, what are you thinking about?” Rajit asked me.

  “Oh, nothing.” I said, trying to hide my evil plan.

  “Really? Because you look really sweaty.”

  I knew that Rajit was going to follow me around the whole time we were at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. So I had to let him in on the plan.

  “Wow,” he said once I told him. “That reminds me of the time we took uncle Vijay’s shell off while he was sleeping. When he woke up, he was so surprised that he was naked, he teleported.”

  “Ha, that’s funny, Raj.”

  “Well, no one has ever seen him since.”

  “OOOKAY then. No more practical jokes for you.”

  Later that day, Grandpa laid down on the couch for his afternoon nap.

  ZZZZZZKKKKKKKKKZZZZZZKKKKKK!

  “Wow, Grandpa sure is loud. He sounds like he’s going through puberty. Ha ha!”

  I don’t think Rajit got it, because he just stood there staring at me.

  “OOOKAY then! Let’s just get this over with,” I whispered.

  So I tried to get the key from under Grandpa’s turquoise shirt.

  ZZZZZZKKKKKKKKKZZZZZZKKKKKK!

  Oh man! Old Zombie people breath. Smells like roses and bubble gum, with a hint of mint. BLECH!

  ZZZZZZKKKKKKKKKZZZZZZKKKKKK!

  I finally got the key out from under Grandpa’s shirt, but it got stuck in Grandpa’s neck. He doesn’t have much rotten flesh left there so it got stuck in his spine.

  “@#$%?&!” I whispered under my breath.

  “Zombie! You should not say such bad words. Your village would be so dishonored!” Rajit said.

  Yeah, whatever. I thought.

  Rajit wouldn’t understand. I’m sure there aren’t any cool kids where he’s from.

  Well, we spent about 20 minutes breathing in old Zombie people breath, BLECH! But we finally got the key from Grandpa.

  “Hold on… Let me catch my breath… HUUUUHHHH! Alright, let’s sneak up to the attic, and see what’s in there.”

  “Zombie, I don’t know if you should,” Rajit said. “Where I am from, if people lock doors it is because they are trying to hide terrible things.”

  “They’re my grandparents. What kind of terrible things could they be hiding in the attic?”

  But then I thought about all the scary stories my Grandparents told us about all of the places they’ve been.

  To be honest, I started to get a little scared.

  “We should turn back Zombie,” Rajit said.

  I knew Blaze would never turn back. So I wasn’t going to either.

  “Naw, let’s do this.”

  I stuck the key in the attic door keyhole. Then I grabbed onto the door knob.

  Rajit couldn’t look, so he just hid back in his shell.

  Then I opened the door…

  “AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!”

  It was the most hideous, most terrifying sight I had ever seen!

  My legs turned into spaghetti.

  And whatever was left of my lunch, ended up by my feet.

  Then everything got fuzzy and it all went black.

  Sunday

  All I cou
ld remember was waking up on the couch with my Mom, Dad, Grandpa and Grandma hovering over me.

  “He’s alive! Thank goodness,” My Mom said.

  “You had us worried there, son,” My Dad said.

  “Serves him right for peeking where he doesn’t belong,” Grandpa said.

  “Oh Oswald, don’t be so mean. Can’t you see the boy almost died?” Grandma said.

  As I looked around, I felt so woozy. But then I remembered!

  “Rajit?!! Where is he?!! He was right behind me when I got attacked!!”

  “Don’t worry. If it wasn’t for Rajit teleporting and finding us, you may not have made it,” Dad said.

  That’s when I saw Rajit standing behind them.

  Oh man, that was so close.

  It was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen.

  Why would my Grandma and Grandpa keep those things in the attic?

  Why would anyone keep things like that anywhere?

  Old Zombie folks are so weird.

  I will never look at them the same ever again…

  For some reason Rajit wasn’t scared at all.

  “We have a whole room in my home filled with those,” he said. “These are my favorites.”

  Then he handed me a picture.

  Wha…?!!

  “You should come to my house one day and I will show them to you,” Rajit said.

  I will never go to your house, ever, I thought as the rest of my lunch ended up by my feet again.

  Monday

  “Zombie, me and the guys are kind of worried about you,” Skelee said.

  “Yeah, Zombie. You’ve changed. You’re dressing different, talking different, acting different…and you’re even smelling different,” Slimey whispered to me.

  “Zombie, are you OK?” Creepy asked me.