by Amy Clipston
“Danki.” Laura leaned down. “This is Allen Junior.”
“That’s what I heard.” Cindy looked down at the baby as renewed tears flooded her eyes. “Why didn’t you call me when he was born?”
“I’m so sorry.” Laura’s eyes misted over. “I wanted to call you, and I should have. I was just so confused. I felt like you chose Drew over the rest of us.”
“No. I would never do that.” Cindy shook her head. “I wanted to have all of you in my life. I still do.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Laura wiped her eyes with a tissue. “Will you forgive me?”
“Of course I will.” Cindy touched her new nephew’s little hand, and an inevitable bittersweet feeling overcame her. Would she ever have a baby of her own?
“Don’t give up hope,” Laura whispered as if reading her thoughts. “I believe you’ll have one. It will just come in God’s time.”
“I know.” Cindy gave her a watery smile.
“Mamm!” Catherine screeched as Allen carried her into the house.
“Shh, Catherine.” Laura held out her arms, and Allen handed her their middle child.
“Oh, she’s grown so big.” Cindy touched Catherine’s hand.
“I have too.” Mollie appeared beside her. “Onkel Mark says I’m going to be taller than mei mamm, but I told him everyone is.”
“That’s not nice,” Laura said, and everyone laughed.
Allen touched Laura’s arm. “I need to go help with the chairs. Can you handle the kinner?”
“I’ll help her,” Mollie said. “I’m a gut helper.”
“Ya, you are.” Allen touched her nose. “I’ll be right back.”
“Why don’t you go see if your aentis need help in the kitchen?” Laura told Mollie. “Aenti Cindy and I will take care of Catherine and Junior, okay?”
“Ya, Mamm.” Mollie turned to Cindy and kissed her cheek. “I hope you feel better.” Then she scampered into the kitchen.
Cindy smiled as she watched her sweet niece hurry off to assist with the food. Laura pulled a chair over to the sofa and sat down beside Cindy.
Priscilla and Ethan maneuvered a double stroller through the front door, and then Dat followed them in. Cindy’s chest constricted as he came near.
Her lower lip trembled as she looked up at him. “Hi, Dat.”
“Hi.” He pulled another chair over and sat across from her. “How do you feel?”
She looked down at Allen Junior and touched his little cheek. “I’m bedauerlich.”
“I’m so sorry.” He touched her arm. “We’re all sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry for rejecting you. When Jamie told us what happened, I finally let God break through my wall of anger and resentment, even my heartbreak. I knew you needed us, and the truth is we’ll always need you, Cindy—no matter what. You’re mei dochder, and you always will be. Ich liebe dich. I never stopped loving you.”
He paused before taking her hand. “Please forgive me. I’m the one who insisted the family follow the rules, even when they all started to have reservations and miss you so much—Florence and Sarah Jane too. But this rule doesn’t work for our family. We love each other too much.”
His words were music to her ears, and they sent a deluge of tears to her eyes.
“Danki,” Cindy said. “Of course I forgive you.”
“We have chairs,” Drew announced as he and her brothers appeared in the house. “We all can sit now.”
Drew, Jamie, Allen, and Mark arranged the chairs around the family room, and soon conversations floated throughout the house. Cindy smiled and laughed as she caught up with her siblings, nieces, and nephews.
Soon Florence, Kayla, and Mollie were serving their bountiful dishes—macaroni and cheese, hamburger pie casserole, tuna casserole, and chicken alfredo and pasta casserole. Then Mollie and Kayla carried out platters of chocolate chip, peanut butter, and almond cookies. The conversations and eating continued into the evening.
At one point she saw Dat motion Drew to the corner where the puzzle table sat. She couldn’t hear them, but she could see Dat doing most of the talking. Then Drew held out his hand and the two men shook as Florence joined them. In another moment or two, she saw her stepmother touch Drew’s arm.
A few more tears dripped down Cindy’s cheeks.
When her nieces and nephews grew cranky, their parents started packing them up to take them home.
Mark and his family were the first to leave. Cindy stood and kissed Ethan, Annie, and Adam good-bye before Priscilla and Mark took them out to their buggy. Mark and Priscilla promised to see her soon.
Jamie and Kayla left next, and Cindy thanked them for coming, saying she hoped to see them and their children soon as well.
“We need to get going too.” Laura hugged Cindy. “It was so gut to see you, but I’m sorry for the circumstances.”
“Danki.” Cindy gave her one last squeeze. “You were the first person I wanted to see.”
“I’ll visit you soon.” Laura’s eyes were determined. “We won’t lose touch again.”
“I’ll hold you to that.” Cindy leaned down and hugged Mollie.
“I will too.” Mollie smiled. “I want to see you soon.” She turned to Drew. “Gut nacht, Onkel Drew!”
“Good night, Mollie.” Drew grinned as Mollie hugged his legs.
Mollie looked up at him and tilted her head. “We need to teach you some Pennsylvania Dietsch words.”
Cindy’s heart melted as everyone laughed. Even her nieces and nephews were accepting Drew as part of the family. This was indeed an answer to prayer she’d hoped for!
“Gut nacht.” Cindy kissed Junior and Catherine before they headed out into the cold January night.
“We want you to come for supper on Sunday,” Florence said as she and Dat walked to the door. “We want you to come for supper every Sunday if that works for you and Drew.”
“Really?” Cindy hugged her arms to her middle as she divided a look between Florence and Dat.
“Ya, really.” Dat hugged her. “We want you to be part of the family—both you and Drew.”
“Danki, Dat.” She rested her head on his shoulder as he put his arm around her. “This is what I’d hoped for.”
“I know. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” Dat said.
“So we’ll see you Sunday?” Florence asked as she pulled on her coat.
When they were once again alone, Drew sidled up to Cindy and gently pulled her against his side.
“Thank you for bringing my family back to me,” Cindy said as she looked up at him. “You’re the best husband I could ever ask for.”
“No, not really.” He shook his head. “I’m the reason they pulled away from you.”
“But you brought them back.” She touched his cheek. “Don’t blame yourself for how they pulled away. I realized something tonight, something I should have accepted long ago instead of simply blaming. That’s what Amish are supposed to do when someone leaves. But you encouraged them to visit me anyway when I needed them most, and God used that to break down the walls we’d all constructed in our disappointment and pain.”
He nodded. “I love how your community reaches out to someone in need, even those who aren’t blood relatives, or even Amish. I’ve never experienced that before. I’m so excited to be a part of your family.”
Warmth filled her as if God were wrapping her in his arms. “This is how it’s supposed to be. We’re meant to be together, and I’m so grateful.”
“So am I. God answered our prayers.” He leaned down and kissed her, sending contentment and love rippling through body and soul.
twenty-nine
Cindy sang along with the hymn as she sat next to Drew at church. She glanced up at him and he winked at her, sending her insides fluttering on the wings of a thousand butterflies.
She smiled to herself as she reflected on how the past month had flown by. After suffering the miscarriage, she found herself in a renewed relationship with her family. As Florence had p
romised, she’d invited Cindy and Drew to join them for dinner every Sunday for the past month. Cindy had enjoyed getting reacquainted with her family, especially with her nieces and nephews.
Today she and Drew would go home to rest after church and then head to her father’s house at five. She could hardly wait to see her nieces and nephews and talk to her brothers and sisters. Sometimes they were all too busy to see each other during the week, but their Sunday meal together made an enormous difference in Cindy’s life.
Although she still grieved the loss of their child, she felt happier than she had in years. The doctor had told her to allow her body to heal another month, and then she and Drew could try again. She prayed for children, and she hoped they would come—in God’s time.
Pastor Ellen called for the prayers, and Drew flipped down the padded kneeler under the pew in front of them. Cindy knelt beside him and bowed her head as Pastor Ellen began to read the prayers to the congregation.
Cindy closed her eyes and opened her heart to God. For the first time in years, she felt a renewed faith in him. It was as if she had suddenly let go of the pain and doubt her mother’s loss had caused her. She felt God’s love surrounding her as she prayed for Drew and her family, and happiness rippled through her veins. She felt restored and almost reborn in her faith.
Cindy finally realized she had pulled away from God and her church when her mother died. But he hadn’t pulled away from her. He’d been there all along. Drew said he accepted God’s will after his parents died, and it was time for her to do the same, even if she might never understand why God made all the choices he did.
Her thoughts moved to her family, and she imagined them worshipping in a barn on this Sunday morning. She prayed for her former congregation, and a smile turned up her lips.
While she enjoyed the community church and the congregation, her heart suddenly felt drawn to her Amish life. She missed her former church district, and for the first time in her life, she thought perhaps she really did belong there—with Drew. But after everything he’d been through for her sake, how could she ask her husband to abandon his English life?
God, I finally understand that you’ve been with my every step. I’m sorry for pushing you away, as well as my church and family, and I thank you for bringing Drew into my life. He helped me see you were here all along, and he’s one of your greatest blessings to me. But now that I have my family back, I’m confused. I think I feel the call of the Amish church, but I don’t see how I can go back now. I can’t expect Drew to abandon the life he’s accustomed to living just for me. What should I do, Lord? Do I belong in the Amish church? Does Drew? Please guide my heart.
Cindy went through the motions of the rest of the service and then held Drew’s hand as they walked out to his truck when the service was over. She shivered against the February wind as she climbed onto the bench seat beside him.
“It was a nice service, wasn’t it?” Drew gave her a sideways glance as he steered through the parking lot and onto the main road.
“Ya, it was.” Cindy looked out the window in search of buggies heading home from church. Where was the service held today? No one in her family had mentioned hosting it.
“Is something bothering you?”
“Huh?” Cindy turned toward Drew as he slowed to a stop at a red light. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re awfully distracted. Do you want to talk about what has you preoccupied?”
Cindy chewed her lower lip as the sound of the blasting truck heater filled the silence between them. “I was just wondering where my family is worshipping today since the families within the district take turns hosting church in either their home or their barn.”
“I remember that.” Drew nodded as he steered the truck through the intersection after the light turned green. “You can ask them when we go to your father’s house for supper tonight.”
“Right.” She fingered the hem of her black winter coat.
“Is there something else on your mind?” He peered over at her.
“Ya, there is, actually.” She took a deep breath. “I realized something today while we were praying. I told you I doubted God’s will, but now I know the real problem was that I pulled away from him when my mother died. You’ve shown me his love was there all along. You didn’t lose faith in God when you suffered loss, and your example has helped me renew my faith in him.”
Drew steered the truck into the parking lot of a strip mall, parked in the back of the lot, and then turned to face her, taking her hands in his. “But I’m the reason you lost your family.”
“Stop saying that.” She cupped her hand to his cheek. “You’re the reason I’ve found a renewed faith not only in God, but in my community. I was lost for so long when my mother died, but now I’ve found my way back.”
He clicked his tongue as his eyes sparkled. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” The question that filled her mind during church echoed once again. “How would you feel about joining the Amish church?”
He blinked as if trying to comprehend her words. “Did you just ask me to join the Amish church?”
“Ya, I guess that’s what I’m really saying.” Her voice was tiny, resembling that of a young child who might be in trouble.
He pursed his lips and rubbed his chin as he studied her. “So you said you never were comfortable joining the Amish church, especially after your mother died because you thought no one in your community really understood the depth of your grief. Then you were willing to leave the church to marry me. But now, four months after our wedding, you think you want to go back to the church?”
“Ya, I do.” Her words were confident, along with her love for her community. “I feel as if all the pieces of my heart are back intact. But I would never try to force you to do something you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to join the church, then we won’t.”
“Cindy, I’m really surprised by this. I don’t know what to say.”
“I know it seems sudden.” She held up her hands. “I’ve just realized so much since the miscarriage. I now understand that my family experienced the same loss I did when my mother died, grieved just as much, but my grief overwhelmed my ability to see that.”
She took his hand. “You’re the love of my life, and I’m certain God brought us together. He sent you to me not only to love me, but to show me how wrong I was about pulling away from him. Now I’m ready to be baptized and become a faithful member of the Amish church, but I can do it only with you at my side. You’re my partner. You’re my life. Will you think and pray about it?”
“Yes, I will.” He kissed her. “Let’s go home.”
* * *
Cindy’s words about wanting to join the Amish church echoed in Drew’s mind as he drove the rest of the way home, confused. Just before he turned right onto Beechdale Road, he spotted a line of horses and buggies heading in the opposite direction.
“Someone must have hosted church at the other end of the street,” Cindy said.
He parked the truck in the driveway and pushed his door open. When he climbed out, he met her at the front of the truck and took her hand in his.
As they walked up to the front door of the house, he took in her appearance. She wore the traditional Amish dress of a prayer covering and a plain purple dress and black apron. He’d never once seen her dress in jeans or a fancy dress. Perhaps she’d never let go of her Amish roots at all.
He began to consider their few months as husband and wife. She’d never once turned on his television or asked to use his laptop. He’d never seen her use the microwave or his cell phone. She always asked Gertrude if she could use her phone in the barn when she needed to make a call. Not once could he remember her being excited about trying something new from the English world.
Could he possibly convert to the Amish religion with her? Would they even accept him?
He unlocked the door, stepped inside, and looked around his house. They couldn
’t stay here if they converted. It had electricity and other modern conveniences. Where would they live? Would they have to leave the Lapps’ farm?
“Drew?” She walked up behind him and touched his arm. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah.” He smiled at her. “I was just thinking about lunch.” He stepped into the kitchen. “What are you in the mood for?”
“I don’t know. Surprise me.” She disappeared into the bedroom.
As Drew searched the refrigerator for something to eat, he realized he needed someone to talk to, and he knew who would help him. He’d wait until Cindy went to take her usual Sunday afternoon nap, and then he’d go seek advice.
* * *
An hour later, Drew knocked on Ervin’s back door. As he waited for the older man to answer, he stretched his neck against the mounting tension.
“Drew,” Ervin said when he opened the door. “How are you?”
“I’m well. I was wondering if we could talk.”
“Ya, of course.” Ervin motioned for Drew to come in. “Gertrude is visiting a neighbor.”
Drew followed him through the mudroom and into the large kitchen.
“Would you like some coffee?” Ervin motioned to the percolator. “It’s fresh.”
“That would be wonderful. Thank you.”
Ervin poured two mugs of coffee, and then they sat down at the table across from each other. “What’s bothering you, sohn?”
Drew stared down at the dark-brown liquid in his mug and tried to corral his questions. Finally, he looked up into Ervin’s curious brown eyes. “What would it take for me to become Amish?”
Ervin’s eyes widened. “Why are you asking?”
“I just want to know.” Drew gripped his mug.
“You’d have to meet with the bishop, who would assess if your heart and your reasons seem to be pure.” Ervin sprinkled sugar into his mug as he spoke. “Most likely, the bishop would tell you you’d have to live like an Amish person for a year. That would mean giving up your truck, your schooling, your electricity, your cellular phone, your computer, and anything else considered worldly.”