Rush

by Nyrae Dawn

  Brandon doesn’t reply. He only sits there looking at me, dissecting me with his eyes, trying to make sense of it. But how can he? This isn’t something he’s ever experienced. Hell, I’m struggling to work through it and he has so much on his mind with football and training. The way he studies me, the set of his body and the way he’s rubbing his hands together makes me want to take the words back for him.

  Hurting him has never been an option for me. Not Brand. He was all I ever really had. When I didn’t understand how I felt or thought there was something wrong with me for it, he was the only person who knew. We always sort of took turns being there for each other and bringing the other back to the surface when one of us felt like we were drowning. When our thoughts or desires threatened to swallow us whole. I did it for him and he did it for me. He always felt like no one except me really knew him but he doesn’t see that it’s the same for me. I was lost too.

  Only now my dad knows and he hates that person. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I thought it would be easy—thought knowing would make it easier but it doesn’t.

  Then I have my mom in the background there too. I’ve lost Dad but maybe there’s a way Mom will make it okay. Or at least I can say good-bye.

  “I’m not saying I’m not moving. I am. I still wanna be with you, it’s just—”

  “Don’t do this, Al. Not when we’re finally going to be together. Don’t fuck it up.”

  White-hot anger shoots through me. “Don’t fuck it up? I’m sorry if the fact that I’m dealing with shit, screws things up for you.”

  I start pushing to my feet when he says, “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

  He’s right, so I lower myself back to the couch again.

  Brandon slides his knees to the floor, kneeling in front of me. “We’re finally going to have what we want. We’re gonna be together.”

  But do we really have what we want? We’re still hiding. Still lying. But I’ll have him.

  Brandon grips the back of my neck. “I fucking hate your dad for how he treated you and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but . . . it’ll be for nothing, right? If we walk away it’ll all be for nothing.”

  “I’m not bailing on us, Brand. You know me better than that. Hell, I just . . .” Brandon’s hand slides off me, both of them resting on my thighs. “It’s too soon. My head’s all screwed up right now. I don’t want to put up an act, pretending things aren’t what they are. Listening to all your friends, and acting like I’m nothing more to you than they are. Not with where my head’s at right now.”

  He shrugs. “Then I’ll stay too.”

  I grab Brandon’s arm when he tries to stand. “You can’t stay. You have training camp. It’s not like you can decide to skip out.”

  His jaw tightens, knowing I’m right. “I want to be here for you. You’re mine. I should be here with you. Any time I’ve ever needed you, you’re always there.”

  There’s something sexy as hell about him saying I’m his, about knowing he’s mine too. No matter what we’ve been through, I love him. “It’s not like before, Brand. You’re not ditching me. I’m not leaving you either. I just . . . there’s shit I need to figure out. I mean, maybe I can fix it. Maybe I can salvage something with my family. I can’t just give up without trying. It sounds stupid but I thought it would be easier. I didn’t think it would bother me so much because I know him. He’s still my dad though, ya know?”

  He shakes his head, looking down. “It feels wrong. It’s my fault and then I’m supposed to go and play football?”

  “It’s always been your plan.” No matter what’s happened, he’s always just gone and played ball. He hasn’t decided he wants to change that. Even though he’s offering, he’d hate staying here when he’s supposed to be there. Brandon’s never given as much of himself to anything as he has football. I’ve always known that.

  When the little stab of jealousy pierces me, I lean forward and kiss him, trying to wipe it away. It’s not his fault his parents were okay with it and dad isn’t. Not his fault that no matter what, he’ll be okay. I want that for him. Hell for both of us. Like he said, we’ll be okay. We have to be.

  “You’ll be busy anyway. It’ll give me more time to take care of shit here.”

  “And then there’s saying good-bye and the welcome back. We can take advantage of those.” He gives me a forced smile. I hate seeing it on him. Hate being the one to put it there.

  So I try to wipe it away. I take his mouth again—hungry, needy, urgent. Brandon gives it right back to me and then we’re in the bedroom. It’s not long before we’re naked and he’s making me feel like only Brandon can. By the sounds pulling from his throat and the way his body shudders, I’m doing the same for him.

  We’re wrapped in each other for what feels like hours before he says, “It doesn’t feel like we’re going to see each other again so soon. Think it’s because things are so different now with us? Because we’re really together in a way we weren’t before?”

  Something squeezes around my chest. I don’t know why I’m surprised. We’re usually on the same wavelength like that. Every summer we used to say good-bye yet this one makes me feel more alone than the others.

  “I love you.”

  Squeezing me, Brandon replies, “Love you too.”

  Brand stands by the door with his bags in his hand. We’ve been tiptoeing around each other all day. My body is weighted down. Like someone injected concrete inside me.

  But somehow I’m empty too.

  “You can still go.”

  The urge to say yes is there but I can’t. I know if I do, things between us will get even more screwed up. “I can’t, Brand. I have to figure this stuff out.”

  He nods. “I know.” After dropping his bags he steps toward me. “I’m gonna miss you.”

  Wrapping my arms around him, I say, “I’ll miss you too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Brandon

  “Holy fuck, Chase. You kicked ass out there today. What the hell have you been doing this summer?”

  I shrug, before falling down to the locker room bench. It’s my first day back. I have to admit it felt good as hell to be out there. To run hard, and show the guys I’m still the player I used to be. That I can be better.

  I fought like hell to be back out here and I’m doing it.

  Fought like hell with Alec.

  And as great as this is, it doesn’t feel as good as him.

  “Training. I told you that.”

  “I have to admit, bro.” Theo sits beside me. “We were worried. You looked like shit when we saw you. I thought you were going to puss out.”

  I shove him. “Fuck you. Not going to let shit hold me back.”

  Theo and the other guys around us laugh.

  “What’s up with your friend? He coming out with us tonight?” Dev asks.

  I rub a hand over my face. It’s crazy but it’s like I’m scared it’s going to show on my face. One look when we’re talking about Alec and they’ll know about us. “Nah, he didn’t come with me.” Then, just because I need to hear it, I add, “He’s still moving here though. He just had some shit to take care of.”

  “There’s that new club in town. Wanna hit that up?” Theo asks. “Lexi’s friend was asking about you.”

  At that I push to my feet. “Yes” is right there on my tongue. I’ve gone out with them a lot, pretending I’m looking for girls like them. Damned if it doesn’t feel old now though. I’m tired of that shit and . . . it doesn’t feel right. They might not know it’s Alec I’m with but I want to be as true to him as I can.

  “Not interested. I’m with someone now. Met ’em back home.”

  “Holy fucking shit. It’s about damn time Chase’s got a girl.” Theo laughs.

  It’s not a girl. It’s Alec. I could never want anyone else the way I want him.

  “She’s not here though, is she?” Donny adds and a couple of the other guys laugh, and they all bump knuckles.

&nb
sp; “Nah, man. It’s serious.”

  “She pregnant?” Theo teases.

  “No dumb-ass. It’s for real though.” Grabbing a towel, I wipe the sweat from the back of my neck. “I’m talkin’ forever here.”

  A burst of pride swells inside me. A year ago, hell two months ago I never would have said that. I would have played it off like I had plans or whatever excuse I could find. I’m done with that though. It’s time to be as real as I can when it comes to Alec. That’s the kind of guy I want to be. Brandon. The Brandon I am with him.

  “Forty-three! Get your ass back here!” Coach yells from the office.

  “I swear he’s fucking psychic.” Dev laughs. “Bet he’s going to remind you ball is more important than women.” Everyone laughs, that pride I just felt bursting.

  Here, I’m forty-three, or Chase. Not Brandon. And I’m still lying to everyone about who Alec is.

  I’m staying in my old apartment. Alec and I are supposed to move into the two-bedroom when he comes.

  The guys on the team all tried to get me to go out with them again. I’ve gotten four texts calling me pussy whipped. I make myself ignore them.

  It’s not like I couldn’t go. We do have a good time when we go out. They seem like assholes half the time but they’re my friends. My teammates.

  I just don’t wanna be with them tonight.

  I hit mute on the TV, watching ESPN with no sound. Flipping my cell phone over and over in my hand, I lean back on the small couch. Even though I’ve been working out all summer, my body is wrecked. It’s not the same training on your own and being on the field. It’s only nine and I’m already ready to pass out.

  My finger hovers over the button before I finally push it to call Alec.

  He answers on the second ring. “Hey.”

  “Hey. What’s up?”

  “Cooking some steak on the grill. You?”

  I laugh. “You and that fucking barbecue.”

  “Real men grill, Brand.” He chuckles, letting free some of the tension I didn’t realize had taken up residence in my muscles.

  “I wish I was there. That sounds good. I was too tired to eat.”

  His voice sobers when he asks, “Hard day? You’re okay?”

  “I’m good. I mean, it was a hard practice but nothing I couldn’t handle. It felt great. Coach called for me afterward and I thought he was going to give me shit. He told me how good I did though. It kind of fell into place easier than I thought it would. We’re starting two-a-days next.” Two practices a day are hell.

  Alec’s quiet for minute. “I’m not surprised. I’ve always told you, you could do anything.”

  And he has. I also know he means more than football too. Instead of replying, I give him the only honesty I can. “I miss you.”

  “Miss you too.”

  “The guys wanted me to go out with them tonight. I told them I couldn’t . . . that I was with someone now.”

  There’s a cluttering sound and then I hear Alec curse in the background. “Sorry. I dropped the phone.” I hear a smile in his voice when he asks, “You told them about me?”

  The tension is right back only it’s multiplied now. My gut is heavy. “I mean . . . not who you are but I told them I’m with someone. That it’s serious and I wanna be with you forever.”

  “Not me.”

  “What?”

  He sighs. “You didn’t tell them you want to be with me forever. You let them believe you’re with some girl you want to be with forever.”

  I push up so I’m in a sitting position on the couch. “I’m trying here, Al. What do you want? You knew I wasn’t ready. You said it was okay. You’re the one who said you wanted to come here and that we’d make it work.”

  The lid on his grill creaks. I’d meant to fix that before I left.

  “I know . . . You’re right. I’m having a shitty day.”

  My pulse runs as though it’s trying to outrun something. “What happened? Is it your dad? Did you talk to them?”

  “No, not yet. I’m going to soon though. I don’t know why I’m being a prick.”

  The rapid beat evens out slightly. “You’re not. You’re dealing with heavy stuff. I should be there.”

  “You’re where you’re supposed to be. Listen, I’m burning my food. I better go, okay?”

  Nausea burns through me. No, tell him no. It’s like there’s more than space between us, this wall that keeps building higher.

  “I’m okay, Brand. It’s just a long day. I started packing up some stuff for the move today. It’s not you, okay?”

  Alec has never lied to me. It’s not him. But this time he did. It’s me. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t be getting off the phone with me.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Alec

  Mom hasn’t called me once. That’s the thing that makes it hard for me to pick up the phone and call her. Dad is an asshole and, in some ways, I know he thinks of her as second best in his life. Still she’s a strong woman. She’s doesn’t let him run her life and he doesn’t try. Mom has always made her own decisions. And even though she’s never said anything against Dad’s bigotry, she never makes the kind of comments he does either. She doesn’t talk about fags and she never goes off about how they shouldn’t have the right to marry and stuff like that.

  I’ve never really known how she feels because she never told anyone about it. Mom’s always been the type to just kind of mind her own business and be there for her family.

  When Dad found out and said it would kill her that was one of the things that stabbed me the deepest. I’ve always had hope she’d accept me as gay because she is never vocal about that kind of thing. He knows her though. If he said it would kill her, I believe it will.

  And she hasn’t called. There’s no doubt in my mind he told her and she hasn’t come to me.

  That’s all the answer I really need. Still, I have to fucking know or I’m going to drive myself insane.

  I’m sitting on a picnic table where I’d texted her to meet me. I look at my phone. I’m thirty minutes early and I don’t even know if she’s coming or not. Charlie asked her to meet me and all she told her is, “I’ll try.”

  My cell rings and even though I don’t feel like talking, I pick it up.

  “Hey you,” Charlie whispers.

  My heart cuts off. “She’s not coming?”

  “I don’t know. She left and asked me if I could watch the office. She didn’t tell me where she was going and I didn’t ask. I assume she’s going to meet you. I thought you could use someone to talk to while you wait.”

  I laugh but it’s one that I have to force out. There’s no truth in it. “How’d you know I’d get here early?”

  “You’ve been my best friend for my whole life, Alec. I know you.”

  “You didn’t know I was gay.” I feel like a prick the seconds the words come out.

  “Stop trying to fight with me. I’m too sad to participate. I wish you would’ve gone with Brandon. It might have helped to get away. You guys need each other right now.”

  This is the main reason I haven’t talked to her much since everything happened. “He’s got shit going on, Charlie. He doesn’t have time to deal with this. He’s got practice half the day and he’s trying to prove he still belongs there. It would have been a bad idea for me to go.”

  “That makes sense but he loves you. You’re more important than all of that and you love him too. You guys have been through so much that I just . . . I don’t want you to lose it. Not after everything.”

  For something to do, I move my cell from one hand to another. “We won’t lose anything.” We can’t. We’ve fought for each other and suffered without each other. But right now . . . I’m suffering with him too—when I look at him or talk to him. Then I’m pissed because I love him so damn much. I shouldn’t be suffering when I know he wants to be there for me.

  A noise catches my attention and I look over to see my mom walking toward me. She’s early too. That has to be a good thing.
>
  “She’s here. I gotta go, Charlie.” After I stand, I shove my phone into my pocket. It’s ridiculous that I don’t know if I should walk toward my own mom or not—that I’m so nervous to see her.

  “Hi.” I point toward the table. “Wanna sit?”

  “Sure.” She smiles, that one movement pushing some of my fear away. Mom sits and then I sit down beside her.

  “So . . . I’m guessing Dad told you.” I’m looking at my hands instead of her, which is ridiculous. Shoving them under the table, I turn, my eyes on her.

  “Of course he did, Alec. I’m . . . shocked to say the least. I don’t understand, to be honest. How could we have never known? You never gave any indications that you could be . . .”

  “Gay?” I finish for her.

  “Yes. You know I don’t have any problem with the gays. They can live their life and I’ll live mine. But you’re my son, Alec. This is different. I don’t understand. We didn’t raise you like this. You’ve been living with that boy all summer and you’re suddenly gay?”

  I shuffle my feet, trying not to walk away. Tighten my hands into fists because I’m not sure what else to do. If I focus on that, I don’t have to concentrate on how I feel.

  “You don’t raise people to be gay or not, Mom, and Brand didn’t turn me that way either. I’ve . . . I’ve been in love with him in one way or another since I was fifteen.”

  She doesn’t reply, only chews her bottom lip, which she does when she’s nervous.

  “You said ‘but you’re my son.’ Doesn’t that mean it shouldn’t matter? That you’ll love me regardless?”

  Her eyes flash with worry, or confusion. I can’t tell which. “Of course I’ll always love you. That’s never going to change.”

  My lips start to stretch into a smile. My chest suddenly feeling lighter. But the way her eyes dart down, dart away from me tells me loving me doesn’t matter.

  “It’s just going to take some getting used to, Alec. Your father and I just need to make sense of things. Are you going to be with Brandon? Your dad said you were going to move away with him. A lot of people won’t understand. I’m trying but I don’t either.”