Rush

by Nyrae Dawn

  “What’s there to understand? I’ve known I was gay since I was young. I tried to hide it because of Dad. I thought I could make it go away . . . but I can’t. And I don’t want to either. It’s who I am.”

  “But if you pushed it aside for all these years . . . I know you used to care for Charlie.”

  There’s my answer right there. She doesn’t understand, or she doesn’t want to. I told her it’s who I am and she wants me to hide it. I take a deep breath and stand.

  “I thought I could pretend with Charlie. I don’t want to lie about who I am anymore. Why is it wrong to love someone?”

  Mom pushes to her feet too. “It’s not. That’s not what I’m saying, Alec. Like I said . . . we just need some time. Maybe one day . . .”

  Maybe one day . . . That’s all I need to hear. Why should I have to wait? Wait for them to get used to me? To decide they love me whether or not I’m gay? That I’m okay or that there isn’t anything wrong with me?

  “You let me know if that day ever comes, okay? In the meantime, I want you to know there’s nothing different about me. I’m the same as I’ve always been.”

  When I turn and start to walk away, I listen, wondering if she’s going to ask me to stop. She doesn’t.

  Charlie calls me twice on my way home but I ignore it both times. Rehashing what went down with Mom doesn’t sound fun. I just want to forget it all. For this to not be such a big deal.

  As I sit in my truck in the parking lot, I think about calling Brand. I want to call him but I’m pretty sure he’s at practice. And for the first time since I’ve known him, I feel like he wouldn’t understand. My heart thumps betrayal at that. I’m betraying him by even thinking it, and I know that.

  When I round the corner toward my apartment, I stumble a little when I see who’s standing there, leaning against my door.

  “I’ve been waiting for you forever, man.” Logan crosses his arms. My first thought is to ask him to go. I don’t want to deal with anyone today.

  “It didn’t go well, did it?” he asks.

  “How did you know?”

  “Been there, remember?” He picks up a bag at his feet. “I brought beer.”

  “I’m with Brandon,” I say, not sure why I said it.

  “I know. But he’s not here and you need a friend. We are that, right? I mean, we’ve been friends for months. That hasn’t changed all of a sudden, has it?”

  Guilt rumbles through me. I’ve been feeling that a lot lately. Logan’s been a good friend to me and Brandon knows about him. It’s not a big deal to have him in.

  I unlock the door and Logan goes in. He pulls out two beers and puts the rest in the fridge. I have half of mine gone before my ass hits the kitchen chair.

  “How bad?” He sits across from me.

  “Could’ve been worse. There was hoping I could fake it, blaming Brand and a maybe that she could come to terms with it one day.”

  “Shit, man. I’m sorry.”

  I shrug. “Like I said, it could have been worse. It’s just shitty to lose your family in one week.”

  “Bastard,” Logan mumbles under this breath.

  “What do you mean? Who are you talking about?” Though I’m pretty sure I know.

  “He shouldn’t have left you. Not right now.”

  I take another drink before setting the bottle down. The last thing I want to do is talk to Logan about Brandon. “He had to go. He didn’t have a choice. Plus, he tried to stay. I wouldn’t let him, and he wanted me to go.”

  “Go watch him play straight with his football buddies? Sounds like exactly what you would want to do after your family turned their backs on you for being gay.”

  I wince because how many times have I thought that the past few days? But then, I never told Brandon. If I did, he would have done whatever he could to make it better for me. Except being real . . .

  “I’m probably an asshole for saying this, Alec, but I’m going to do it anyway. Are you sure you can do this? Lose your family for some guy you have to stay in the closet for? You’re going to pretend he’s your roommate after everything you guys have been through?”

  “It’s not just him. I put off coming out too. I didn’t even choose to do it when it happened.” The instinct is there to defend Brandon, like I know he would with me. Despite the truth in Logan’s words, I’m not going to let him put Brand down. I know he loves me and that it won’t be a secret forever.

  “Yeah but you’re out with your family now. It doesn’t matter how it happened. You lost them because of it. Should it be for nothing?”

  “It’s not nothing if I love him.”

  Logan curses and stands. “Is that enough? If so, I don’t think you’d be here right now. You wouldn’t have to hide with me, Alec. Aren’t you tired of hiding?”

  Logan doesn’t touch his beer. Doesn’t say another word. Only walks out of my apartment, slamming the door behind him.

  No matter how much I try, I can’t evict one question from my mind: Is that enough?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Brandon

  “Three point nine seven! You fucking beat your best time in the forty! How the hell did you do that?” Donny yells at me like I’m not standing three feet away from him. Dev and Theo are there too.

  “I don’t know.” I shake my head, still trying to wrap my mind around it. To a lot of people, this wouldn’t be a big deal. To me it’s huge.

  And these aren’t the people I want to be talking to about it. “It was just once. Who knows if it’ll happen again. Listen, I gotta go make a phone call real quick.”

  “Oh shit, Chase. Are you going to call your girl?” Theo asks.

  And in that moment, I don’t let myself think. I just let myself say the words that want to come out of my mouth. “No. I’m calling Alec.”

  “The dude who helped you train?” Dev smiles like he gets it when he’s not even fucking close. All I know is I don’t want to lie about who I need to share this news with. It might not be everything but it’s something.

  “I’ll catch up with you guys later.” Pushing through the locker room doors, I head outside, stopping to lean against the building. I’m sweaty and dirty and haven’t showered. There’s time for that later though.

  As the phone’s ringing, a lady in a suit steps up to me. “Number forty-three. You’re creating quite the buzz, ya know? The star running back who had heart surgery and only a few months later you’re breaking your own records in the forty?”

  “Hey.” Alec’s voice is scratchy, like he’d been sleeping or something.

  “Three point nine seven is a good time, Chase. How did it feel?” the woman asks.

  I tell her, “Now’s not a good time, can we talk later?” While Alec says at the same time, “You beat your own time. I knew you’d do it.”

  This lady needs to get the hell out of here because I really want to talk him about it. “It was incredible. I wish you were here.”

  “News travels fast in the sports world. Is that the new girlfriend?” she asks.

  “Who are you?” I snap at her.

  Alec groans. “I’m gonna let you go.”

  “No. Don’t go. I wanna talk to you. Just . . . hang on.” I look at the woman. “It’s not my girlfriend.”

  Turning, I start to walk away. She starts calling behind me, “We’d love the chance to interview you about everything you’ve been through. An exclusive. Let me give you my card.” I keep walking and she’s right behind me. She stuffs her card into my free hand but I don’t stop to look at it.

  “Shit. I’m sorry. She’s pushy as hell. I did it, Al. I did it and I wanted to tell you about it. I wish you would’ve been here. It wasn’t the same without—”

  “Your girlfriend?”

  My stomach drops at that, and I stop walking. “What? No. I told the guys I was calling you. I didn’t tell them I was calling my girlfriend. I don’t even know where in the hell she got that.”

  Alec sighs. “I know. It’s just . . . Things are
screwed up right now. I keep taking shit out on you. I don’t mean to. There’s some stuff I need to sort out, okay? I need you to give me a few days, Brand. You know that fucking kills me to ask you but I need you to give me a little time to get my head on straight.”

  Every muscle in my body tightens. My heart jackhammers. “What are you saying?” Yeah, it’s a stupid question, it’s like I’m watching myself—seeing this play out and trying to figure out how we got here. We finally had everything under control and we were together and now this.

  “I’m just saying I need a few days. I don’t want to screw up and I don’t want to do something I’ll regret but my head’s all fucked up right now. I’ll . . .” He pauses. “We’ll talk soon okay? You keep kicking ass out there and we’ll talk soon.”

  Minutes after Alec hangs up the phone, I’m still standing in the same spot, in the middle of the empty parking lot.

  Two days. It’s been two full days since Alec and I talked. My body is exhausted but it has nothing on the tiredness of my mind. I’ve done nothing but work out like crazy. I train hard and practice, run after, lift weights, do whatever I can to try and distract myself.

  None of it works.

  My apartment is dark except for a small lamp by the couch. My feet won’t stop moving as I pace around the living room. Finally I make myself sit down but it’s not long before I’m up again. How the hell did we get here? For years Alec and I played this back-and-forth game. We were together but we weren’t. No matter what, we always were there for the other though.

  Even when I fucked up and we didn’t talk for over a year, I think a part of me always knew he would be there. I damn sure know I would have for him too.

  This isn’t the same.

  My fingers fumble with my cell as I pull it out of my pocket and call Alec. It rings until it goes to his voicemail. After hanging up, I try again, only for him not to answer again.

  As if I haven’t known since the night we came home from the fight with his dad, I realize I’m losing him. Really fucking losing him.

  My hand opens and I drop my phone to the floor. I don’t think. Just react, shoving everything off my entertainment center and letting it crash to the floor. “We paid our fucking dues!”

  Pacing the room again, I almost trip on the coffee table before kicking it out of the way. My cell there on the floor. I don’t know what makes me to do it but I drop down, my back against the side couch and dial.

  “We paid our dues,” are the first words I whisper when Dad answers.

  “Brandon? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  I almost hang up the phone, regretting the call, but I can’t make myself. When I need someone to talk to, I could always go to Alec. Now, I can’t. I just need someone.

  “We’ve been through enough, haven’t we? We tried to fight it, and we tried not to tell anyone. We did everything we could. Isn’t that enough?” My hands are shaking and my face is wet. I don’t even remember the last time I cried. “When is it enough?”

  “Slow down, Brandon. It’s okay. Did something happen with Alec?” Dad’s voice is a mask of calm, trying to hide the tension beneath.

  “We just wanna be together. I don’t fucking get it. Why it has to be so damn hard just to be together? It shouldn’t have to be like this. Why don’t we deserve to be happy?” I pull my knees up close to my chest, rest my elbow on one leg, my head resting in my hand. “We paid our dues,” I say again. “Isn’t that supposed to count for something?”

  “Brandon, what happened? Are you still in Ohio? Do you need me to come there?”

  “We just wanna be happy. Why can’t we be happy?” My hand tightens in my hair. “I don’t want to lose him. I don’t fucking care about anything else, I don’t want to lose him.”

  Dad sighs. “Then don’t, son. You’ve never let anything else in your life beat you. Don’t start now. You were a kid with this crazy dream to play football and I never thought it would happen but it is. You could have died months ago but you’re still here. You’re not only here, you’re out on the field too. You can do anything, Brandon. If anyone can make this work, it’s you.”

  His words don’t register. “I’m not as strong as you think. Hell, I don’t even know if I want to play ball forever, but I’m too afraid of losing it to tell anyone who Alec really is. I always thought the only thing I was ever good at besides playing, was being with him. I’m not though. I’m not giving him what he needs.”

  “Brandon,” Dad’s voice cracks, “you love him. That doesn’t mean you’re perfect. You love him the best you can. That’s all anyone can ask for.”

  But I’m not. I’m not loving him the best I can. I’m treating him as though there’s something wrong with who we are, when there’s not.

  “And you’re good at so many things besides football. Tell me you know that.”

  My mouth suddenly feels dry. I squeeze the phone tighter. “Am, I? I wasn’t good in school. I lied to everyone about who I am. I hurt people. I don’t even know what the hell I would do with my life besides ball. It’s always been who I am.”

  “Brandon—”

  “There was one time—once when I told Mom I didn’t know if I wanted to play football anymore. It was the summer she had Joshua. Hell, it was the night she went into early labor because we fought about it. She was mad that I might quit.”

  “Not because she didn’t think you could do anything else, because she didn’t want you to lose something you love.”

  “I don’t even know if I love it. I mean, I do, but . . .” I shake my head, not sure how to make sense of my thoughts.

  Dad’s cry drifts through the line. The urge to apologize fills me so I can make him feel better. I can’t find the words.

  “Did we make you believe you weren’t more than football?”

  “I’m not like you and Nate.”

  “Brandon, none of us are exactly the same. Not Nate and I or anyone else. Do you realize how strong you are? How much you’ve accomplished? You’ve carried this secret with you for so long, son. You shouldn’t have had to do that. I didn’t see. All these years . . . I just didn’t see. You were the kid I would have dreamt of being when I was young. That’s my fault for never telling you that. For never making sure you know how incredible you are and how much we love you. How good of a person you are.

  “You’re loyal, and Christ, we could all learn a lesson from you on how to love. I should have told you that. You were always such a strong, determined kid that I didn’t know you needed to hear it. I should have made sure you knew it.”

  Taking my hand out of my hair, I look forward. “You think so?”

  “I know so.”

  “It felt good . . . to have something for you to be proud of me about. I didn’t have that before football.”

  “Yes, you did. I am so proud of the person you are, Brandon and it has nothing to do with football. Whatever you decide your mother and I will always believe in you. We will always be behind you. There’s nothing you can’t do.”

  Those words patch holes and fill empty places inside me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve needed to hear them. I’ve always felt sort of weak. I can kick ass on the football field. I can run fast and take hits. I’m the guy people are friends with and want to hang out with but it was always kind of a lie. Just like the rest of my life, it wasn’t real because I didn’t even have the balls to be honest about who I was. If these people knew who I was, they wouldn’t want to be around me. The only thing that wasn’t a lie was how I played ball. There was proof and stats and people wanted me for that.

  But that’s not all I want to be. Dad says I’m strong and Alec has always told me I’m more than the guy in my uniform but they were all just words. It doesn’t matter if I don’t believe it. It’s not true if I can’t prove it.

  “I wanna be the type of guy he needs. The type, I need to be. The one who stands up for what he believes in and doesn’t hide.”

  “Then do it, son. I know you can.”

  A
nd I want that. I want to prove it for him. And I want to prove it for me. I’ve always said I don’t know who I am, maybe it’s time to start working on being who I want to be. And accepting what I already do know about myself.

  “I’m trying, Dad. I’m really trying.”

  “Practice kicked fucking ass today! We are going to own it this year!” Dev yells.

  “O-hi-o!” Donny adds. “Lancers!”

  Everyone is talking and laughing as we stand around the locker room. All their voices are muffled to me, like I’m listening with something plugging my ears. My heart has been going crazy all day and I’m seeing through the same kind of fog that I’m hearing through.

  I sit on one of the benches, taking everyone in as they stand around talking. We’ve all changed already but they’re on too big a high to leave yet.

  My stomach knots as I ring my hands together, trying to figure out the best way to say it.

  How to take that first step toward finding who I am. How can I ever know who that is if I’m not honest?

  My vision clears and the plugs fall out of my ears because there is no best way to say it. No way other than just to do it—to take that step to owning who Brandon Chase is. My stomach loosens with the knowledge, this freedom already unlocking me from my chains. I’m going to be me. I want to be me. That’s all the matters.

  I clear my throat, ignoring the pain in my chest. “I’m gay.”

  A few of the guys close to me stop what they’re doing or saying, their eyes falling on me. Louder, so everyone can hear me, I say it again. “I’m gay.” More chains are dropping away as the locker room gets quiet around me.

  “Are you telling me you’re happy, Chase?” Dev asks.

  Coach studies me, walking my way. “In my office, forty-three.”

  “No.” I stand. “I’m not going and I’m not telling you I’m happy, Dev. I’m gay.”

  “Um . . . since when, man?” Theo crosses his arms.

  “Since always.”

  “You’re queer?” This from Donny. “What the fuck?”

  To my surprise, Dev pushes him.