A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  I narrowed my eyes at the proposal, weighed the traditional on bent knee with a ring versus no bent knee, a baseball bat, and carnage, and I found the ring to be rather overrated, although I’d figure out how to get the bastard on his knees at a later time. “Very well. If you provide a baseball bat, I will consent to your general proposal, but I’ll get you on your knees one way or another, even if I have to break your legs with my new bat to make it happen. Make it a good bat, and should I break my new bat on one of their skulls, you’ll have to fix it. It’ll also need space in my trophy room when I’m finished with it, but it must be accessible so I can use it again if needed.”

  “I will have a stand installed for your new bat by your desk so it is easily reached, should you need it.” The Devil held out his hand, and bat fashioned of a pale wood materialized and hung in the air until he took hold of it. “As I have conjured a bat for you, you are now secured as my future wife. I will be very upset with you should you get even a single bruise in this venture, so walk lightly and hit hard.”

  I took the bat, and the wood’s weight startled me, although I somehow kept my hold on it. The heft would go a long way to making sure I inflicted lethal damage. “What kind of wood is this?”

  “The kind that won’t break when you smash it against that fucking asshole’s head. After taking a few moments to consider the situation, I’m rather turned on by your approach to handling this situation. That, plus you’ve given your word you’ll marry me in exchange for that bat. Also, that is what we consider to be a bargain, Mrs. Lucifer.”

  “I haven’t married you yet.”

  “Ah, but you bargained with me for that bat. Now you have to marry me. It’s a done deal. I just caught you at the ideal moment. But, as a consolation for you having been tricked into bargaining with me, later tonight, I will give you the contents of the box you were drooling over when the waiter brought my receipt.”

  I licked my lips. “That was a carry out box, the kind they usually use for desserts. And the desserts were delicious. That box must contain good things. There wasn’t anything bad there. I liked everything.”

  The Devil chuckled. “You can enjoy the contents of the box for having been cruelly deceived into marrying me. But should you suffer a single bruise, I will be forced to punish you.”

  As I’d already come to the conclusion the Devil’s idea of punishment involved extending my enjoyment of his bed and attention, I debated if I wanted to get a bruise to enjoy being punished or if I would be better rewarded for emerging unscathed.

  “This shouldn’t be difficult, my darling.”

  I shrugged. “It’s your fault. You talk about punishing me, and the only thing I can think of as a punishment just means I get to enjoy more of you, and well, I have zero evidence you’d actually punish me, because you’ll make me like it. I’m not sure if I’m rewarded better for being bruised or emerging unscathed. This is a real problem.”

  The Devil’s brows furrowed, and after a moment, he also shrugged. “You’re right. That was really an unfair choice to give you. Your punishment, should you become bruised, will involve being taken to bed, tucked in, and I will restrain myself from enjoying your person for at least a few days as a reminder of why you should take care and avoid becoming bruised. How long does it take for you to heal a bruise? Obviously, I’ll have to withhold any strenuous activities until your bruise heals.”

  I stared at him with wide eyes. “That’s not a punishment. That’s just cruel.”

  “Well, I am the Devil. I have an entire arsenal of cruel and unusual ways to punish people. And, of course, because I am who I am, I will very much enjoy your general frustrations, knowing I am the object of your desire. Absolutely delicious. I’ll be examining you closely for bruises, so do be careful. It would be absolutely a shame if I needed to pamper you until you heal. I might even have to do so while forgetting to put my shirt on.”

  His commentary didn’t help me come to a decision about whether I wanted to be rewarded or punished. I firmed my grip on my bat, whirled out of his hold, and marched in the direction of my unknowing prey, as I needed to unload a great deal of hurt in as little time as possible so I could get to the reward or punishment stage of my day.

  What could I say? I was a simple woman with simple needs.

  I caught the quartet by surprise, and I went for the general source of my frustration with a hiss, my tail fluffed and my ears turned back. As dead men couldn’t bruise me, I went for Gallo like I meant it, wound up like my daddy had taught me as a little girl, and treated his head like a ball. To my disappointment, I lacked the physical strength required to knock his asshole head clear off, but he dropped like a rock, sprayed a satisfying amount of blood, and twitched and convulsed on the ground.

  One down, two to go, and the jury was still out on the last one of the lot.

  One of Gallo’s buddies threw a glass vial in my face, which broke on my hard head and covered me with white powder.

  “And that would be the poison,” the Devil announced, striding up without a care in the world.

  What an asshole, but he was a very handsome asshole, and I would view him as my reward for doing a good deed in a rather evil way. “Thank you, but I had that figured out on my own.” As I interpreted poison to the face as a damned good excuse to continue my murder spree, I held my bat in my right hand, flexed my left hand, and transformed enough to give myself a nice set of sharp claws, perfect for tearing apart idiots who thought they could interfere with my family.

  I made it half a step before the Devil caught me around the waist, picked me up, and pinned me against him. I howled my fury over his intervention, and as I couldn’t reach the fuckers to beat the life out of them, I kicked my shoes off in their general direction, missing with both of them. When that failed to rid the poor Earth of their filth, I flung my bat, which they also dodged.

  “You have a piece of glass sticking out of your head, my darling. And while I do quite love unicorns, I do not wish for my wife to imitate them using broken glass. I’m afraid this goes beyond mere bruising.”

  “If it doesn’t bruise it doesn’t count.”

  “It will bruise spectacularly. You have the broken ruins of a glass vial sticking out of your forehead. You’re also doused in poison.”

  “Look, we already talked about this. They were going to kill my brother.”

  “Yes, yes, my darling, they were. Your brother is fine. You’re not fine. You’re imitating a unicorn when you should not be imitating a unicorn.”

  “Why are you stopping me from murdering them? You’re being an asshole. Let me down so I can finish what I started.”

  “Darlene,” the Devil chided.

  “You’re the fucking Devil. Why are you stopping me? You like when people sin. Let me go add some corpses to my rap sheet so I can earn my place in hell, damn it!”

  The mafia thugs, who wore more than a little of their boss’s blood, gaped at us.

  “Darlene, you have a piece of glass sticking out of your forehead. Your playdate with death has been postponed on account of your decision to pretend you’re a unicorn.”

  “It’s not like I did it on purpose. It doesn’t hurt. Let me at them. You gave me that bat, and I want to use it.”

  The Devil sighed. “Excuse me, gentlemen. My wife is a little upset your former friend thought he could hurt a part of her family, and she becomes quite unreasonable when it comes to her family.”

  “I haven’t married you yet, you kill-stealing asshole.”

  “But you will. Settle down so I can remove your horn.”

  “Just leave the fucking thing there so I can get to beating them to death. You like unicorns. You should be happy I’m honoring their spirit through the accidental growth of a horn.” Struggling did me no good, and I grunted at the strength of his hold on me.

  “No. You’ll injure yourself further.”

  Why the hell was the Devil trying to stop me? I hissed and snarled, but I couldn’t wiggle out of his damned hol
d on me. “Why are you being like this?”

  “I thought it was obvious. You’ve hurt yourself, and if I allow you to continue your rampage, you’ll hurt yourself further. As I’ve come to the conclusion I do quite love you, this means I have to stop your rampage before you do something I regret, which does include hurting yourself further. If these gentlemen are wise, they will reconsider their life choices, sit down, and wait for you to calm down so you can issue a more appropriate punishment for their misdeeds.”

  Two decided to run, and the youngest of the lot sat down, crossed his legs, and waited patiently.

  Shifting his hold on me to free a hand, the Devil snapped his fingers. Two devils, not even bothering to take on a human form, popped into being in a dark cloud of smoke, which stank of brimstone and molten metal. While I recognized Belial, his grotesque form reminded me of a tomato crushed under foot with hooked tentacles and sharp protrusions glistening under an eerie yellow glow emanating from his quivering flesh.

  Crushed tomatoes with hooked tentacles and spikes would be a lot less horrifying without Belial’s face added to the mix.

  The other devil vaguely resembled a six-legged dog with burning flesh and spines for fur, and to my relief, it lacked a humanoid face.

  Whatever. I’d deal with Belial’s form another time, preferably after consuming a great deal of alcohol. “You’re the one with the head injury, Lucifer.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “You claim you love me, but you won’t let me kill them,” I complained. “Wouldn’t love be letting me kill them?”

  “No. Now stop squirming so I can remove that damned glass shard out of your head without adding to your injuries.”

  As there were two devils stalking my prey, and even I couldn’t justify killing someone who’d sat down and shut up when given an option to save his skin, I limited my protests to bitter cursing, minimal wiggling, and kicking my feet.

  It wasn’t as if the Devil, who had a fucking steel beam for an arm, was going to let me loose until he felt like it. He reached for my face, and I barely felt him pluck the shard out of my forehead.

  When I looked at it, the rounded end of the vial could be mistaken for a very odd horn. Blood dripped from the broken end, which had held the stopper once upon a time. “How did that even happen?”

  “Good question.” The Devil lowered me to the ground, and I regretted having kicked my shoes off. As though aware I might join the fray, he kept a firm hold on me. “Remember, the one that sat down is in a similar situation to your brother’s, and you could possibly reform him with sufficient training. Of course, I wouldn’t release him into society without some education, but he’s not unsalvageable.”

  “Why are you wanting me to salvage him?” I stretched my leg, doing my best to reach my bat with my toes. The Devil picked me up, moved me safely out of reach of anything I might use as a weapon, and set me down. “Will you stop that? I could have reached that if not for you.”

  “You would regret beating him later.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive.”

  “Are you really, really sure?”

  “My darling, you’re more bloodthirsty than most of my devils. You need a nap. Just take a nap already so I can attend to your forehead, tuck you in, and evaluate how long you get to be punished for daring to be injured.”

  “It’s not my fault Gallo’s asshole friend threw glass at my face. I should be rewarded for taking him out in one hit. I let the fucker off lightly.”

  “You really did,” said the man who’d been smart enough to sit his ass down. “I’m sorry. I owe him money, and he threatened to go after my little sister.” He regarded the body of the deceased loan shark. “Owed him money. Do I still owe money to a corpse?”

  As Gallo had no morals or scruples, I was unsurprised. “Let me beat the fucker again.”

  “He’s already dead, and he’ll be awaiting for your attention in the darkest pit of my many hells, so you’ll have plenty of time to learn your art on him.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Promise?”

  “Of course. I’m still not letting you go, though. You, my darling, are truly cranky. Should I let you go right now, you might destroy the world, and the End of Days is not scheduled for this moment.”

  For a spiky, crushed tomato with a tentacle problem, Belial could pounce with the best of them, and he landed on his victim, who screamed. The man’s cries didn’t last long, and to my dismay, Belial came rolling over with one of my mother’s vases held in a tentacle.

  Inside, a bright purple, blue, green, and yellow fish flopped and splashed in barely enough water to cover it. “Oh, he’s pretty.”

  “He’s a Mandarin dragonet, just as promised,” Belial announced, and he presented me with my prize.

  When given a choice between admiring my new fish and indulging in violence, admiring my new pet became my top priority. “Oh, he’s really pretty, but he’s not as pretty as Ruby.”

  “Is any fish prettier than Ruby?” the Devil asked in an amused tone.

  “Well, no. But he’s pretty enough. He will not bring shame to my trophy room.”

  The dog bounded over, and he had one of my mother’s vases in his mouth, and a tiny red and orange lion fish bounced and thumped in the jar, most of its water spilled out. I took it, and suspecting my second fish would die if I didn’t get it into some water, I held the lion fish out to the Devil. “I don’t think that’s enough water.”

  Lucifer snapped his fingers, and water splashed into both vases. I grunted, clutching the glass to my chest so I wouldn’t drop them. “There. Maybe that will keep you amused. Belial, please inquire with Michael or Gabriel regarding my wife’s attempt to transform herself into a unicorn. While she put in a valiant effort, they are more accustomed to checking on a human’s health, and she seems to have taken temporary leave of her senses. I thought feeding her would contain the beast, but it turns out feeding her has created a rather amusing monster oblivious to pain. Frankly, she’s a menace, and I find this to be delightful.”

  The crushed tomato with spikes and tentacles vanished, as did his hellish canine companion.

  “You’re the Devil, aren’t you?” the seated mafia member asked, and he paled to a rather sickly grayish tone.

  “What gave me away? Was it my good looks?”

  The man pointed at the Devil’s head, and I regarded Lucifer with interest. When I hadn’t been paying attention, he’d sprouted curved horns and had sheathed his head in fire. The horns amused me, as they peeked out of his hair, long enough to be seen while maintaining a hint of mystery. I scowled, as holding my new fish prevented me from being able to get my hands on him and discover if the flames had any heat. “You’re pretty,” I informed him. “I don’t want to compete with a bunch of succubi to have you. They’re prettier than I am.”

  “You’re absolutely prettier than they are, and they also lack your spots and your determination to ruthlessly use your spots against me. And anyway, I already declared you’re my wife, so you don’t have to worry about any competition. Of course, I might look from time to time, but only because I want you to punish me.”

  I could think of a lot of ways I could enjoy punishing the Devil. “You haven’t married me yet.”

  “Ah, but you bargained with me for a bat, which I gave you. You’re now as good as married to me.”

  “That wasn’t really all that bright, lady,” the sole survivor of the quartet of mafia thugs announced.

  As he was right, I sighed and nodded my head. Blood dripped down my face, and I frowned, unable to deal with it while my hands were full of fish. “What are we supposed to do with him?”

  The Devil laughed and kissed my cheek. “As you’re determined to earn your proper place in hell, kidnap him for a time, train him on how to be a proper minion of yours, and release him back into the wilds when you have given him an assignment. This one is more useful to you alive, and while he is misguided, he has not strayed too far. He’s
redeemable, and he has family.”

  “You’re lucky the Devil likes you,” I informed the survivor. “Fetch my bat and my shoes, and you’re lucky I can’t stand the thought of having anyone work for me without pay, so you’ll even get a decent salary, even if I have to mug the Devil to make it happen.”

  “I’m not paid,” the Devil complained.

  “Yes, you are.”

  “I am? I haven’t received a paycheck.”

  “You’re paid in access to my spots, so be quiet before you take a pay deduction for poor behavior.”

  The Devil clacked his teeth together in his hurry to shut up or lose access to my spots.

  I rolled my eyes. “Just take us to my office so I can put my new fish in their tanks and take care of my stupid head. I’d rather not bleed to death today.”

  The Devil sighed. “That implies you’re willing to bleed to death another day. I’d really rather you not bleed to death at all.”

  As I couldn’t argue with him, I shrugged. “You’re right. What’s next?”

  “I’m going to take you home, tend to your forehead, and tuck you into bed. I’ll then make certain your new pets are settled and pay our latest resident a visit to give him a taste of his future. It will be a most bitter brew. I’d say you can watch, but some things a man has to attend to on his own, and I am very displeased over what he had planned for my wife.”

  “I had no idea you were married,” my new minion admitted.

  “He hasn’t married me yet, I just foolishly signed away my marital status to the Devil for a bat and a body.” I regarded the body with a frown. “I hadn’t planned on how to dispose of the body.”

  “You don’t dispose of it. His victims deserve closure, and his body will provide that. The only person to witness your rather brutal and effective act is now on your team if he knows what’s good for him.”

  “He deserved it. That said, you may want to deal with that powder he threw at you. It’ll make you very sick. He has the antidote in his pocket.”

  “Oh, no,” the Devil replied with a wicked smile. “I’m leaving the antidote for the police to find. It does more good where it’s at. Darlene, I’ll handle your care personally, and it wouldn’t do if I robbed you of being able to nestle your pretty head against my chest.”