A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “Use him to lure you out and then kill him,” the Devil replied.

  “Giving a long and pretty life in my tanks is too good of a fate for that fucker.”

  “I see your brother was not exaggerating over your mood when you become hungry. Please don’t venture into the crying portion of your hunger. I’m sure our appetizers will be here soon. I’m now concerned we didn’t order enough.”

  I considered how much I’d eaten in the limousine, which boiled down to the entire damned tray with only a few tidbits going to the Devil, which I’d fed to him by hand. “I’m a little hungry.”

  “A little?”

  My stomach complained, and I sighed. “Maybe a lot hungry.”

  “You’re definitely starving. If you really want to kill him, I won’t stop you. After all, it’s not really a party until the bodies start hitting the floor, and a dead man can’t come back to bother you later.”

  I found the way the Devil phrased his statement to be rather amusing. “Not haunt?”

  “Ghosts are serious business, and they’re as persistent as they are annoying. I try not to deal with ghosts unless it’s absolutely necessary. While some of them are harmless, others are not. Ghosts happen for a reason, and the last thing you want is an angry ghost haunting you. They’re typically stuck, and any sensible being will be cranky about that. Souls are typically shepherded to their next destination quickly. That’s why I created unicorns, to help make certain that process was not interrupted. There are other shepherds, of course, but I’m particularly fond of my unicorns.”

  “Why do I have the feeling your unicorns are not sunshine and rainbows like the legends claim?”

  “Well, where would be the fun in that?”

  “You are the reason you fell,” I informed him.

  He laughed and shrugged. “What can I say? He made me this way for a reason.”

  Something about the Devil’s words bothered me, but before I could think long on it, the waiter brought our appetizers, and I focused on what was important: filling my hungering stomach and keeping a close eye on Lucifer so he—and his perfect chest—couldn’t escape me.

  Lucifer regaled me with ancient stories of love-sick men and the women doomed to put up with them. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed so hard, especially after he waxed on and on about one of his misadventures, where he’d done his best to seduce a tribeswoman to be met with utter failure. Having his heart ripped out of his chest hadn’t been enough to deter him, but since the first time hadn’t been enough to teach him a lesson, she’d sacrificed him ten more times before he’d gotten the message and returned to his many hells to sulk.

  “What happened to her?”

  “Well, I tried to claim her soul, but one of my brothers slapped my wrist and told me no. I have been complaining ever since. She told me no!”

  I smiled at that. “I tell you no frequently, too.”

  “She really meant it. You just like telling me no because it riles me up. Then you get me to tell you yes, so you get to do whatever you want with me. It’s disgusting, really. I’ve been brought low by you and your wretchedly perfect spots.”

  The Devil, I decided, thoroughly represented modern men. “How traumatic for you, lusting for spots you don’t have permission to play with yet.”

  He sat straighter, regarding me through narrowed eyes. “The magic word of that statement is yet.”

  “The magic words are actually please and thank you, but yet is a positive possibility for you.” I licked my lips and considered how best to finish my steak, which defied all my expectations for a steak. Had I even been eating beef before this restaurant?

  My steaks at home, while a rare treat, couldn’t compare.

  “I would very much like for you to look at me like you’re looking at that steak.”

  I’d get there soon enough, once my stomach was convinced starvation wasn’t around the corner. “Honestly, I’ve never been so hungry in my entire life. You obviously did something wicked with me for me to be this hungry.”

  “For about twelve hours, yes, I had my wicked way with you. It’s the start of the conversion process. You’re hungry because your body is beginning to adapt to exposure to so much devilish energy, which I delighted in subjecting you to. You also delighted in being subjected to it. I’ll just have to make certain my home has plenty of food for you to enjoy. Once you’re converted, your diet will be mostly energy, although you’ll still hunger for regular food as well.”

  “Is regular food an actual part of your diet?”

  “It’s not mandatory, if that’s what you mean, but I do enjoy it. I’m a spoiled creature and enjoy good food and even better dessert. Once you have your murderous tendencies satisfied, I intend on enjoying you for dessert.”

  “How is Gallo doing? And my brother?”

  “Belial will take care of your brother, although with those two, I expect there to be bodies along with a few new pet fish for your collection. I have decided one of Gallo’s companions will not be surviving today.”

  “Oh?”

  “I do not wish to discuss what he wants to do to you.”

  Ah. Right. As I hadn’t been born yesterday, I could read between the lines. “He’s keeping company with an asshole who wants to poison me in order to coerce me into marrying him after he kills off his wife. Were you expecting anything different?”

  “I was not precisely expecting anything different, but you will be my wife, and I take great offense over what he has planned for my wife.”

  Oh, boy. “You don’t get to call me your wife until you get on bent knee with a ring, and even then, there needs to be a wedding,” I reminded him, and as he was being pushy and overprotective, I added, “You will bend your knee in front of witnesses consisting of your more notable demons and devils. My brother is my only family, so he absolutely better be present for the wedding, or I will be very offended. As for the reason your demons and devils need to witness, you have to make it clear that they’ll be making a poor decision should they cross me.”

  “I feel strangely cornered yet intrigued and aroused by your disgustingly reasonable requests.”

  Aroused? Had the Devil been dropped on his head as a baby repeatedly? After a moment of consideration, I realized he was an idiot who liked when I bossed him around. “Well, you are the Devil, and you have this expectation that people should grovel at your feet because you’re big, bad, and scary. I just find you sexy as hell, so it’s entirely possible I’m too intellectually deficient to be scared of you, so I boss you around instead. Because you have ridiculous expectations, this is attractive to you.”

  “You’re too smart to be scared of me, as you have evaluated the situation and have come to the conclusion that I am not a threat to you, thus you have no reason to be scared. I’m very appreciative you find me sexy as hell, as this is a good indication I can pursue being sexy as hell for your enjoyment as soon as we finish with our after-dinner show tonight.”

  “I will let you kill the one you don’t like if you let me kill the one I don’t like. Then you can teach me how to best welcome fucking assholes to your dungeons. Hey, how long does it take to make some badass leathers? I bet I’d rock leather.”

  “Being the Devil has its perks, and I’m sure I could acquire some leathers for you to wear while you’re educating our newest fucking assholes in our dungeons. What color would you like your leathers to be?”

  I pointed at the collar I’d pilfered from his dresser. “It needs to look good with this. I’ve claimed this as mine.”

  “I put it there so you could steal it at your leisure. Such a lovely throat deserves to be adorned with jewels. If you had not helped yourself to it, I would have enjoyed pinning you and making you like my adornment of your person.”

  Some equations were easier to solve than others, and I liked the Devil’s wicked ways. “I will make sure to leave it out so you are forced to indulge when you’ve been particularly good.”

  “I really like reward
systems, as I enjoy being rewarded for my behavior.” The Devil smirked, and he stared at something behind me. “Gallo has no idea what we’re discussing, but he recognizes your tone as seductive, and he does not like that at all. He feels quite entitled to your company.”

  “How am I doing on the seduction front?”

  “I am highly annoyed we have things to do before you can successfully seduce me.”

  “Will you at least try to contain yourself, so your succubi don’t whine?”

  “No.”

  I raised a brow. “No?”

  “You deserve my best, so the succubi will just have to whine, as restraining myself means you do not get my best. I’m a perfectionist, my darling, and you’ll just have to get used to it.”

  There were worse ways to go, including being poisoned by a fucking asshole. “I’m going to require a full demonstration of your prowess, and what I should look out for if you’re not giving me your best.”

  “But I only want to give you my best.”

  “You’re going to be stubborn over this, aren’t you?”

  “Absolutely. But maybe if you beg me, I’ll make some sacrifices for the sake of tormenting you until you understand the mistakes you’re attempting to make.”

  “So, basically, you would be extending your seduction of my person? I am not seeing the problem here. Isn’t more for longer better? You can give me linked demonstrations of your enthusiasm for a full experience.”

  “I suppose it isn’t neglectful if I am showcasing the various ways in which lesser men would frustrate you.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I haven’t even converted you yet, and you’re demonstrating you’re quite capable of being a naughty kitty.”

  “I have, through careful consideration of my situation, determined naughty kitties are rewarded.”

  “My naughty little kitty is definitely going to be rewarded.”

  I purred. “That’s my cue to finish my steak so we can get onto the evening entertainment.”

  Sixteen

  They believed victory was within their grasp.

  When the Devil asked for the bill, the waiter brought back a small dessert box along with the receipt. Curiosity ate away at me, but Lucifer guarded the box with great care, keeping it out of my reach so I couldn’t peek. When the limousine picked us up, the box went with the driver, who promised to guard it.

  The Devil toyed with me, and something delicious likely lurked within that box, and after having sampled several of the restaurant’s desserts, I would do a lot of things to gain access to the treat waiting within.

  The Devil didn’t have to cheat to lure Gallo and his accomplices to a secondary location. Any other day, I would’ve viewed being taken to a secluded and dark stretch of woods to be creepy at best and downright terrifying at worst. In a way, I almost felt badly for the quartet of idiots following us.

  They believed victory was within their grasp.

  “They are waiting for us to be distracted before paying us a visit. They are planning to use their poison on us, as they have the antidote and won’t have to worry about me at all within a few hours.” The Devil shook his head, wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me closer to him. “Should all go as they plan, you’ll be poisoned, but it will be addressed quickly.”

  “Before I get another one of those headaches type of quickly, or I should be bracing for a terrible few hours type of quickly?”

  “You will not get another headache from their poison.”

  I decided if I wouldn’t be inconvenienced with a headache, I didn’t care if I was poisoned again. Eliminating the main culprit would be sufficient, and if I suffered through some more poisoning, it would be a small price to pay. However, I’d found a very nice silver lining to having been poisoned, one I wanted to experience again. “Can we have a repeat of the part where I got to sit on your lap and use your chest as a pillow without the headache? Being honest, I liked that part.”

  “My darling, you’re going to run out of juice at some point. When you do, I will be pleased to serve as your pillow. Frankly, I have no idea how you’re still on your feet and so energetic for that matter. I’ve been waiting for you to pass out all night long. I was hoping you’d pass out so I could have handled this without worrying how you’d complicate matters, but no. You’re stubborn. Well, I have some news for you. You’re mine, and they’re not going to live long enough to apply what they’re about to learn.”

  Maybe I’d taken over the Devil’s hell, but somehow, I’d allowed him to perceive ownership of my person. Worse, I couldn’t think of a single reason to refuse him. “You’re being possessive again.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Why?”

  Chuckling, the Devil tucked me against his side. “Because I said so.”

  “That’s your justification for most things, isn’t it?”

  “You will have a wonderful time attempting to curtail my bad behavior, but I will reward you well for your frustrations. And on the days I come into your office, influence you to abandon whatever work you were doing, and take you wherever I feel like, I will say it’s because I felt like it, and I will be above reprimand.”

  I spent a moment wondering where I might get devil repellent, if he had an off switch, if I actually wanted to make use of an off switch, and how I’d cope with my new lot in life, flitting from seduction to seduction with some meaningful work mixed in. “At least you admit you’re going to be frustrating.”

  “You enjoy making your life as orderly as possible and planning for every contingency. I have minions to handle the contingencies, except they enjoy screwing things up to annoy me. My poor hells are going to be turned upside down once you really get started taking them over and situating everything to your liking. I’m not going to have to declare you to be my queen. You’re going to show up, start knocking heads together, and create your own authority. And because I am who I am, I’ll enjoy it immensely.”

  I could see myself doing just that. “What are the idiots thinking?”

  “The fucking assholes are annoyed over how affectionate I’m being with you, as my close proximity makes it difficult for them to administer the dose of toxin appropriately. They don’t want to kill you outright, and while they don’t care if they kill me outright, there’s too much of a chance of them lethally dosing you. I’m enjoying vexing them just from holding you close.”

  “So, basically, we have to separate a little when we want to lure them out?”

  “Yes.”

  That would be easy enough. “I’m ready for my bat now, Lucifer. My personal freedoms have been infringed upon, and I wish to take my temper out on the source of my problems.”

  “Please just pass out and go to sleep so I can indulge in wholesome violence without worrying about you being caught in the middle.”

  Was he joking? Why would I miss out on the opportunity to beat the asshole responsible for transforming my brother into a chipmunk? “No. That said, that was a good use of your filthy words. I will think about rewarding you with a spot for using it appropriately.”

  “What does it say about me that I’m falling prey to your system of behavioral adjustment?”

  “I have what you want, and you have learned you can easily get what you want with minor behavioral adjustments. You win a spot, I win not being annoyed by your lack of manners.”

  “I don’t have to always display these wretched manners, do I?”

  “Of course not. I do not expect you to use decent manners with those fucking assholes stalking us. Do any of them get off easy?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are they all as bad as Gallo?”

  The Devil frowned. “The one, perhaps, is not completely unsalvageable. He is in a situation similar to what your brother faced prior to his stint as an obnoxious rodent, although he finds you disturbingly attractive. I resent that. I’m the only one allowed to find you to be attractive.”

  “You absolutely are not the only one allowed
.”

  “I am absolutely the only one allowed.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  “I like when people think I’m pretty rather than diseased.”

  “You’re not diseased,” he growled.

  “Tell that to the rest of society. The CDC is still not really clear on how I can shapeshift without having a nasty disease.”

  “Lycanthropy is hardly a nasty disease. Obviously, I am going to have to work on this. I’ll have to let some of my randy incubi loose for a while, spread some love, debunk the prejudice against lycanthropes, and make life a little more pleasant for shapeshifters, so you, my future wife, can enjoy your visits to your mortal home. I will repeat myself so I’m clear: lycanthropy is hardly a nasty disease.”

  “To most it is.”

  “They’re wrong,” the Devil declared. “Idiocy is a far nastier disease, and it seems modern mortals are plagued with it.”

  “I don’t see why you’re getting all offended over this. I just like when people think I’m pretty rather than diseased.”

  “You’re not pretty. You’re beautiful. And all of those beautiful spots are mine.”

  I needed to have a long talk with the Devil’s brothers about his tendencies, inquire about if he needed therapy, and what my role in the Devil’s therapy might be. “Can I have a baseball bat, please? I would very much like to beat these assholes with it. Please separate the one I’m not allowed to beat.”

  “That will inevitably result in you being poisoned again, and I really would rather you not be poisoned again.”

  “Protective tendencies are rewarded, overprotective tendencies are not rewarded. You are venturing into overprotective tendencies territory.”

  “Protecting you from a nasty case of poisoning is hardly being overprotective.”

  “You already said I’d be poisoned anyway. I’m fine with this. I want a bat, Lucifer, not excuses.”

  “If I provide a bat, will you marry me?”