No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  “You guys made teams yet?” Cory asked, checking their gear.

  “Yes.” Josh's voice was strong and clear. “It’s me and Indy against Noah and Connor.”

  “You want me on the opposing team?” Connor couldn’t hide his surprise. He’d expected him and Josh to team up, had counted on it.

  “Yes. I’m the best shooter, so it makes sense to team me up with the weakest. No offense, Indy. Plus, I need you and Noah to learn to work together, so you can get over this exasperating alpha male rivalry you got going.”

  Indy’s eyes went big at those words, Connor noticed, but the guy wisely held his tongue.

  “Okay,” Connor said. He turned to Noah, studied him with assessing eyes. Technically, he outranked him, but he didn’t want to appear to treat Noah differently because of his leg. It seemed to bother him even more than usual today. He was clearly keeping his weight off it as much as he could, and every now and then he winced. “Lead the way, Corporal.”

  They broke into two pairs, Josh and Indy jogging in one direction and Noah leading him the other way.

  “Is Josh that good a shot?” Connor asked.

  “Better. It’s uncanny, the way he becomes one with his rifle. They wanted him to apply to the Rangers as a sniper. He would’ve gotten in, but he refused.”

  “He wanted to stay with you.”

  “I would’ve followed him,” Noah said. “Or at least, I would’ve tried.”

  “What’s our strategy here?”

  “Josh will try to make a sniper’s nest somewhere. High ground, preferably. He can climb anything, has no fear of heights. And he’s got more patience than Job. I’ve watched him spend over eight hours high up in a tower once, never moving a muscle until he got his shot.”

  Connor let it sink in, this unfamiliar side of Josh. “Won’t he expect you to predict his strategy and do something else?” he asked, his eyes tracking the various structures on the terrain. If Josh was going for higher ground, he’d have the choice of a few trees, but they were bare, or a few structures on an elevation that couldn’t even be called a hill.

  Noah halted and shot Connor a begrudging look of respect. “Look, my guess is you defaulted to me because you didn’t want to make me feel crappy about my leg. You not only outrank me, O’Connor, you’re way more of a soldier than I’ll ever be. I was a medic first and foremost, and while I’m a decent shot and I’ve seen my fair share of combat, I’m no Marine Sergeant. So, lead.”

  Connor nodded. Thank fuck Noah was being reasonable about this, or they would get their asses handed to them. “Okay. My guess is Josh will try to use Indy as a distraction. No matter how good of a shot Indy may be on a gun range, he has no combat experience. Josh will use him to draw us out, betray our positions. This terrain isn’t suitable for a fixed sniper’s nest. He’ll stay mobile, wait for us to give away our position and expose ourselves and then take us out. Like you said, he’s got patience, so all he has to do is wait for one opportunity to nail us.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “We’re gonna do the same. Josh is counting on you to make noise since your leg makes it hard to move quietly. You’ll need to find a spot where you’re hidden but have an excellent overview. There.”

  Connor pointed toward a half-collapsed metal structure.

  “Lay on your belly, let your gun rest on the lowest piece of metal. You’re in the shade, so reflection isn’t an issue. You should be able to stay invisible until they’re close. I’ll try to draw them out and make them come to you. When you see Indy, don’t shoot. We gotta take out Josh first.”

  Noah nodded. “Damn, you’re good at this.”

  “Get comfortable. It’s gonna be a while.”

  Seconds later, Noah had disappeared in the structure. Connor waited till he saw the barrel appear in the spot he had indicated to Noah. Good, the guy knew how to follow orders. That would make things a hell of a lot easier.

  He made his way toward the far end of the terrain, taking notice of the different structures. He walked till he found a collapsed shed that would offer him enough cover. Connor ducked between the shed and a low wall made of loose stones. He’d better not touch it, or it could come down on him and betray his position. A whistle pierced the sky, the sign the battle had started.

  Josh might be a world-class shot, but Connor had a little trick up his sleeve as well. He closed his eyes, forced his breathing to slow down and focused on nothing else but what he heard. At first, his ears buzzed like they always did when he tuned in, but then he distinguished sounds. A car passing by on a road a couple of hundred yards to his six o’clock. Something rustling in frozen leaves on the ground to his eleven o’clock—probably a squirrel.

  He listened harder, deeper, forcing his ears to reach out all the way. A hearing test when he’d entered the Marines had confirmed what he knew already, that his hearing was exceptional. It was a handy thing in situations like this. He didn’t have to see anything; all he needed was to eliminate his other senses as much as possible and focus on his hearing.

  It took close to five minutes before he heard the first sound. A soft crunch, like boots on stones, coming from his two o’clock. If Josh was as good as Noah claimed, he wouldn’t make that much noise. It had to be Indy, trying to draw him and Noah out. Noah had better follow orders and stay put, or this battle would be over in no time.

  A shot rang out, the wet plop echoing loud in the relative silence. A fraction later, paint splattered on a structure at least a hundred feet away from Connor. Connor tensed. Who was shooting? Indy? The shot seemed to come from a different direction than the footsteps he’d heard. It didn’t make sense.

  His ears had to readjust, and it took him a spell to refocus. Another crunch—this time more to his three o’clock and far closer. Indy again? Connor crawled forward on his belly without making a sound. If he stuck his head around the corner, he might be able to see something.

  Another shot. He dropped down, not moving a muscle, trying to pinpoint where the shot was coming from. It was hard to gauge the direction since the sound was distorted between the buildings. The splat of the paint was on his right side, and it sounded close to where he’d heard the steps. Had Noah moved? Was that why the noise was so obvious, because of his leg? It would make sense, except for the fact Connor had told him to stay where he was.

  If it was Noah moving around, it had to be Indy shooting at him. Josh wouldn’t miss, if the reports were true. That meant he had to locate Josh before he could take out Noah, which wouldn’t be hard if he kept making so much damn noise. Fucking asshole. Was it that hard to obey an order? No Marine would’ve ever disobeyed a direct order.

  He heard the sound again. Fucking hell. He would kill Noah for making them lose this battle. It might be a game, but fuck it, he hated losing, especially for a stupid reason like not listening. He raised himself up on his arms and crawled soundlessly forward until he had reached the corner of the wall. He listened for a full minute but didn’t hear anything.

  Connor stuck his head around the corner, helmet first, then the rest. Nothing happened. He scanned the terrain, didn’t see anything move. From his vantage point, he had a clear view of Noah’s hideout. Was he still in there or had he moved against Connor’s order? It was hard to see from this distance without binoculars.

  The crunching sound again, way too close to his three o’clock. He dropped down on the ground, just as a shot rang out.

  “Fucking hell, asshole!”

  Noah. From the direction of where he’d been hiding. Connor crawled forward. What the hell was going on? Had Noah been hit? How the fuck was that possible if he’d stayed inside that shed?

  Shit. Misdirection. Josh was playing him. The shot rang out, and he knew. The paint bullet hit him on his left shoulder blade, would have shredded his heart had it been real. Instead, it merely stung.

  “Dead!” he shouted, adhering to the rules.

  “Fuck it!” A loud noise came from where Noah was hiding. “Surrender.” Noah
’s voice sounded pissed as hell. If Noah hadn’t been fatally hit, why was he surrendering?

  “Accept.” Indy’s voice was giddy. He came walking toward Connor from the direction where he'd heard the crunching sound.

  Connor got up and dusted himself off. Damn, it stung where that bullet had hit him. That was going to leave a nasty bruise for certain. He bent to brush off his knees.

  “Accept,” Josh said from behind him.

  Connor spun around. Josh smiled a big grin, his rifle casually slung over his shoulder. “Nice ass,” he said.

  Connor shook his head. How had Josh spotted him? He’d been between a shed and a wall. Josh shouldn’t have been able to see him, so how the fuck did he pull it off?

  Noah came stomping toward them, fired a murderous look in Josh's direction. “You fucking cheat, you disabled my gun!” Noah all but shoved the rifle in Connor’s face. “Look what he did, he shot straight into my barrel, rendered it useless. And I have the bruise to prove it, ‘cause the force of the impact slammed it into my cheek.”

  Connor turned around. “You fired a paint bullet exactly into his barrel?”

  Josh shrugged. “He shouldn’t have stuck it out if he wanted to use it.”

  “It was you shooting all that time,” Connor realized. “You pretended to shoot at Indy, making me think it was Noah.”

  “I needed to get a sense for the rifle, judge its accuracy, or rather, lack thereof. Plus, I knew you’d hear the noise and would assume it was Noah.”

  “Why? At first, I thought it was Indy.”

  Josh smiled. “Not after I started shooting. You reasoned it was Noah, ignoring what you had told him to do, and Indy trying to shoot him as a result.”

  “How did you… When we split up, Noah was in charge. How did you know that would change?”

  Josh raised one eyebrow. “You really need me to answer that, Marine? Noah is a fucking medic, not a rifleman. This is what you do, what you’re trained for. Noah may be bossy, but he’s not stupid, and I knew he’d default to you. He wants to win too much to not sacrifice whatever pride he has about this. I also knew you wouldn’t trust him to obey your orders, not really. I figured once you heard the walking noises and the shots, you’d jump to the conclusion Noah was being a stubborn ass and would try to nail his shooter.”

  Connor was speechless. He got his ass handed to him by an army sniper, and it stung more than he wanted to admit. He swallowed down his wounded pride, allowed himself to be filled with admiration for Josh. “How did you spot us?”

  “The both of you, you’re specialized in warm-weather conditions. For my sniper training, I did a six-week stint with NATO somewhere in Norway in the dead of winter. They taught us to recognize breath patterns and lead them back to a location. I got lucky today, because there’s practically no wind, so your breaths gave you away. I’ll admit, I had trouble determining the exact position of your body because you were between two structures. Smart choice. But once you started moving, I had you.”

  Connor raised his hands in defeat. “That’s impressive,” he admitted. As much as his own pride hurt, the deep satisfaction on Josh's face got to him.

  “I’m gonna get a replacement rifle, and then we’re gonna do this again. We’ll get this right, Marine,” Noah said, his face tight.

  Connor nodded. “Oorah.”

  * * *

  Josh nailed them four more times before Noah and Connor finally got the best of him. Josh didn’t say it, but they lucked out because Indy messed up. Otherwise Noah and Connor would’ve never caught him. But Josh was okay with it. It wasn’t about winning in the first place, though he was competitive enough to care, but about getting Noah and Connor to trust each other. If they kept up the constant alpha posturing, Josh would go crazy with the tension. Plus, he also wanted to show Connor he could have fun, too, that he wasn’t as boring as he appeared.

  “Nicely done, O’Connor,” Noah said, extending his hand to Connor.

  Connor took it. “We got lucky,” he said with a nod to Josh.

  Josh smiled. He knew.

  “I don’t care,” Noah said. “You got him.”

  It was Connor who’d managed to get a kill shot in with Josh, nailed him in the chest. Connor’s eyes found Josh's. “I sure did.”

  The double entendre was hard to miss, and Josh grinned. “Yup, he nailed me, all right.”

  “Oh, fuck off, you two. Seriously. Not everything is about sex, you know?” Noah muttered.

  Indy launched himself into Noah’s arms, who caught him effortlessly. Indy wrapped his legs around Noah’s waist and kissed him hard. “It’s not? That’s not what you said last night when you were…”

  He never got to finish his sentence, because Noah kissed him to shut him up. Josh laughed. It was good to see his plan had worked, that some of the tension at least had dissipated. Noah and Indy clearly had a row that morning, and he was happy to see they’d made up. He couldn’t stand it when they fought.

  His guess was Noah had lashed out at Indy in anger for some reason. He’d seen the tension on his face, in his body. He was in pain. Fuck, what if Noah needed him? He’d do it, but what would it mean to Connor? He’d said Josh needed permission to do more than kiss. Connor would give it, no doubt. He’d know he couldn’t refuse, not this early in their relationship, not when Noah was in so much pain. But how would it affect him, affect them? It was all so fucking complicated. Josh wanted Connor, more than he’d thought possible, but he still felt tied to Noah and Indy as well.

  He grabbed his gear and walked back toward the entrance. Connor caught up with him and fell in step. “You’re a phenomenal shot,” he said.

  “Thank you.”

  It shouldn’t matter to Josh, but it did. No matter how morally wrong it felt to be outstanding in killing people, the fact was that he had exceptional skills with a rifle, and it made him feel accomplished. He’d never been good at anything in particular, had so often felt like a failure, especially to his parents. But the one thing the army had given him was a sense of skill.

  “How was this for you?” Connor asked.

  “My therapist suggested it. Said it might be helpful for me to engage in playful combat or some shit like that. And it was good, fun even.”

  “You’re not merely a master sniper. You kept winning on strategy, kept anticipating what Noah and I would do.”

  Josh raised his eyebrows, shot a sideways glance at Connor. “You say it as if it surprised you.”

  “It did. Somehow I’d gotten the impression that you didn’t do well in the army, but from what I’ve seen you must’ve been one hell of an asset.”

  Josh pondered the thought. “If I hadn’t been gay and so damn sensitive, I think I would’ve loved every minute of it. The routine, the rules, they fit me well.”

  Connor grabbed his shoulder, stopped him. “What do you mean, sensitive?”

  Josh lowered his eyes, stared at the ground. Did he really have to say it?

  “Josh, you’re not talking about your PTSD, are you?”

  He bit his lip, nodded, still gazing downward.

  “That’s bullshit.” Connor lifted his chin up with a finger, forced him to meet his eyes. “You know that’s not true. Having PTSD says nothing about how strong you are.”

  Josh swallowed. “You don’t have it. Noah doesn’t have it. Indy went through hell and back, and he’s okay.”

  “Again, bullshit. None of us are okay; it manifests in different ways. You said it yourself: Noah has anger issues and hasn’t found a healthy way to cope with his emotions. I don’t know Indy well enough, but I’m sure he’s got emotional scars judging from the way he flinches from touch. And as for me…” Connor stopped and sighed. “I’m a hot mess, Josh. You have no idea.”

  Josh frowned. What was Connor talking about? “I don’t understand. You’re a cop. You have a solid life, are functioning without problems.”

  Connor closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them again, a deep, unexpected sadness radiated f
rom him. “I’m a robot, Josh. That’s how I’m coping. I’m a fucking robot. I show up, do my job, go home. I have no friends, no life, nothing. I don’t talk about what happened to me. I don’t talk, period. Shit, I’ve told you more in the last week than I’ve told anyone, ever. That whole honesty thing and all the talking you guys do? It scares the shit out of me, okay? Trust me, Josh, I may not have PTSD, but I’m seriously fucked up.”

  Josh saw it in Connor’s eyes: every word he said was true. And it cost him to say it, this proud, strong man who humbled himself for Josh.

  “You’re lonely,” Josh said, reaching out for Connor’s cheek with his hand.

  “You have no idea. I have zero experience with relationships, even with friendships. Sure, I had my brothers in arms, but I never allowed them to get too close, except for Lucas. And when he…when I lost him, that was it. I’ve been alone for so long I think I’ve forgotten how to be human.”

  Suddenly, it all made sense to Josh. Why Connor had waited so long before pursuing Josh. Why he had been so scared, so insecure. It also explained part of the jealousy he had of Noah, which was about more than just the sex between Josh and Noah. It was about their friendship, the level of comfort they had with each other, and with Indy. The banter, the teasing—Connor didn’t have that. Didn’t even know how to do it, maybe.

  His hand still on Connor’s cheek, Josh leaned in to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around Connor and hugged him tightly.

  “Josh, promise me one thing,” Connor whispered in his ear.

  Josh leaned back so he could see his face but held his arms around Connor’s neck.

  “If I fuck up with you, if I hurt you with what I do or say, tell me. Please tell me so I can try and make it right. I’m winging this, Josh. I don’t know what I’m doing with you or how to be in a relationship, but I want to learn to take care of you, okay?”

  Josh nodded. “Does that mean we’re in a relationship?” he asked. He didn’t want to pressure Connor, but he didn’t want to hide either. If Connor wanted them to be together, he’d have to come out and say it, own it.