All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

‘How was the opera? Was Lydia surprised?’ Max asked as he took the pan off the heat.

  ‘Yeah, she was,’ I said, still feeling a little overwhelmed by my evening with my mother-in-law. I took a sip of wine and leaned against the kitchen worktop, watching Max stir the paella with a wooden spoon. ‘She was stunned. She loved it. We both cried. It was brilliant.’

  Max offered me a warm smile and proceeded to dish out the paella into two dinner bowls he’d set out on the worktop. ‘He’d be so proud of you right now, Lina.’

  I smiled, and my heart swelled in my chest before tightening again. ‘I just wish he could have been there. I wish he could have taken his mum himself.’

  Max and I had a pleasant evening with Indie on the sofa. We got back to The X- Files and finished off the bottle of white wine. We went to bed at about eleven, but when I woke up around two in the morning to get a glass of water, I heard something coming from his room.

  ‘…I made Lina some paella tonight, you know, for letting me stay here. She’s been so good to me since I came back from Thailand,’ he said. I frowned. Who would he be talking to at this time? I shouldn’t have, but I moved closer to the door to listen, curious. ‘But, I feel so bad. I wasn’t there for her enough after it happened. I’m so sorry about that. You always asked me to be there for her. When you had cancer, you made me promise so many times that if anything happened to you, I’d make sure she was okay.’

  My skin tightened around my bones, and I took a step back from the door.

  He was talking to Michael, the same way I sometimes did.

  ‘You’d be so disappointed in me. I let you down,’ he said.

  My heart ached.

  That was the last thing Michael would be. Michael was rarely disappointed in anyone. He always saw their best side. I wanted to go into Max’s room. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him that he hadn’t let him down. That he never could.

  I took a step forward and reached for the door handle.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Michael. I’m here now, though. It feels strange, just the two of us. It feels like you should walk through the door at any minute.’ He sounded close to tears.

  I withdrew my hand, shook my head and quietly walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping like that. Max deserved his privacy.

  I quickly and quietly got my water and climbed back into bed.

  But I didn’t sleep too well that night.

  I was tired the next day.

  I hadn’t slept much after I’d heard Max talking to Michael. I’d had strange and unsettling dreams that I was in his room, spying on him, and he’d caught me. He’d been angry with me and had told me he was moving out. It had taken me a few minutes to work out it was only a dream.

  Max was out all day, looking for a job, handing in CVs to anyone that would take one. He’d decided he didn’t want to go back into teaching but didn’t know what he wanted to do exactly, so applied for anything and everything.

  He got back at about six to find me shouting at the TV.

  ‘The sound won’t work!’ I told him when he asked what was wrong.

  ‘Let me have a look at it,’ he offered, getting to his hands and knees and wiggling some wires and plugs at the back of the TV.

  I’d already tried that.

  ‘How long has it been doing this?’ he asked, looking up from where he crouched on the floor.

  ‘I’ve been trying to sort it for half an hour. I’ve been working all day, and all I wanted to do was watch a bit of Friends to unwind.’

  ‘Don’t you have a TV in your room?’

  I huffed. ‘Yes, but that’s not the point, is it? This one should be working. I only bought it last year.’

  Max looked like he was trying not to laugh. ‘We’ll sort it.’

  ‘I hope so. How are we supposed to watch The X-Files without any sound?’ I said indignantly.

  Max did laugh at that. ‘Lina, I’m sure we can find something else to do.’

  I gave him a look. I’d really been enjoying our evenings with Mulder and Scully. I looked forward to them every day. They gave me a sense of home I hadn’t had for a long time. It sounds silly, but they did.

  Max laughed again, this time louder. ‘I have a few board

  games in my room if the worst happens. We can order a pizza or something if you like?’

  I scowled at him as a child might, but I had to admit, the idea of playing a few board games did sound like fun.

  ‘Or you can take the DVDs into your room and watch them there?’ Max offered at my scowl.

  ‘The deal is we watch them together, Max. That’s the whole point,’ I told him. ‘So, can you fix it? Or are we board-gaming tonight?’

  An hour later, our pizzas arrived, and we were all set up to play Rummikub.

  I’d never played before, and it took Max a while to get me to understand what on earth you were supposed to do. We each had fourteen counters with different numbers on them, and each number was one of four colours. The idea was to get rid of yours first by putting them down in specific sequences, but the catch was that if you couldn’t put one down, you had to pick one up from the pile in the middle. I ended up with about thirty counters before I was even able to take my first go.

  ‘So, what’s next on Michael’s bucket list?’ Max asked as we played.

  I took a swig of my Budweiser. ‘Well, the girls and I are heading to Las Vegas this weekend, and once I’m back, I need to work out how on earth I’m going to climb Mont Blanc.’

  ‘Vegas! The Stratosphere, I assume?’ Max said with a grin.

  I nodded and assessed my counters. ‘Yep. This is gonna be a big one. Michael had talked about that bloody ride for years.’

  Max laughed. ‘He was desperate to go on it, wasn’t he?’

  ‘Yep. I hope I don’t pass out up there.’

  ‘Oh, I forgot you don’t like heights! You can always shut your eyes.’

  I shook my head. ‘Nope. I want to do it properly. I want to see the view Michael wanted to see. I want it to be exactly as he wanted it to be.’

  ‘Look at you, conquering your fears like that,’ Max said proudly.

  ‘I’d do anything for Michael. He was the best husband I could have asked for.’ I took another sip of beer and tried to force back tears.

  ‘And the best friend,’ Max added. ‘Sometimes I still can’t believe he’s not here.’

  I shook my head slowly. ‘Me neither. He should be here, shouldn’t he? He should be playing with us.’

  Max nodded sadly and reached to take my hand in his, his elbow knocking some of the counters that were splayed across the table. I welcomed the warmth of his comfort, of his touch. ‘He should, Lina. I really miss him. I think even more so since I came to live with you.’

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘I think being in Thailand let me think about him less. I still thought about him every day, but because I didn’t see you, or anyone that really knew him, I never really got to speak about him,’ he confided.

  I squeezed his hand. ‘Not even with your wife?’

  ‘Poppy wasn’t the best at talking. Not about real stuff, anyway,’ he said with a sigh. ‘It’s nice to be able to talk about him.’

  ‘It is, isn’t it?’ I agreed. ‘It’s nice to be able to smile and talk about him. I couldn’t do that at first,’ I admitted. ‘I couldn’t even think his name without feeling empty. It was strange. I didn’t want to live anymore, yet every day I got up, I ate, I drank water; I did all the stuff I needed to survive, even though I didn’t want to survive Michael’s passing. And then one day, I laughed. I laughed at something Roanna said about her ex-husband’s new girlfriend. It was the first time I had laughed since he’d died. And in those few seconds, I felt warmth. I felt like maybe I could go on living without him. But as soon as the laughter stopped, the guilt took over. How could I be laughing when my husband was dead? How could I ever laugh again after what happened to him? I was so angry with myself. And not just mysel
f. I’d walk past laughing, happy strangers in the street, furious at their inconsideration. How could anyone be laughing when Michael’s death had made the world a much darker place?’

  ‘He’d want you to laugh, Lina,’ Max said softly, stroking my hand with his thumb.

  ‘He wasn’t supposed to die, Max. That happens to other people. It doesn’t happen to you. It happens to people you read about in the paper or people you watch in those documentaries. We were supposed to have a family.’

  ‘I know,’ Max simply said. After a few more moments, he added, ‘I talk to him sometimes.’

  ‘Me too,’ I said, sniffling, feeling a twinge of guilt that I already knew. ‘It helps, doesn’t it?’

  Max nodded. ‘Yeah. It does. It also helps to talk to you.’

  ‘I’m happy you moved in, Max,’ I said honestly.

  Max smiled softly. ‘I’m glad I did too.’

  We looked at each other for a few moments with an understanding I felt only we had. And then, at the risk of becoming a blubbering mess, I changed the subject. ‘Shall we finish this game and watch The X-Files?’ I asked.

  ‘Have you forgotten why we’re even playing this game?’

  I smiled. ‘We’ll watch it in my room.’

  Max and I must have fallen asleep at some point, because at six in the morning, I woke up in my room, still fully clothed, on top of the duvet next to Max. The TV was still on, and the DVD menu played on a loop.

  I looked at Max and smiled. Seeing him there was so comforting; I wasn’t alone anymore.

  He was fast asleep with his glasses still on. He looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to wake him, so I rolled over and went back to sleep, realising that it wasn’t The X-Files that had given me a sense of home again. It was Max.

  Chapter Nineteen

  15th March 2014

  I hummed to myself as I walked the streets of Manchester to meet my friends.

  It had been weeks since Michael had proposed to me at our old secondary school and I’d finally managed to get Kit to fly over from Dublin for the weekend. She and Pete had been having a rough time; his grandmother had just passed away, and they’d been busy helping his parents sort out the funeral and everything that went along with it.

  But Pete had persuaded her to come and see Roanna and me for a couple of days. He’d been so grateful for her help, but he wanted her to have a break from it all and enjoy some time with her friends. He and his parents could sort whatever was left, he’d said.

  So, I was on my way to meet them both for brunch at a restaurant in town to tell them my good news.

  Roanna had moved here last year and wrote a travel blog based on her experiences travelling through Europe. She wrote about the history of the countries and cities she’d visited and was making a decent living doing it too. I had to admit it; I was a bit jealous. I was still working at the café while writing freelance articles. I’d had three published so far, but it was nowhere near enough to make any semblance of a living.

  With Roanna living so close, I saw her roughly once a week, but I hadn’t seen the pair of them together in ages, so when I arrived at the restaurant, I had a little skip in my step.

  The bell on the door jingled as I walked inside, and the smell of bacon, pancakes, and coffee peppered the air.

  ‘There she is!’ Roanna’s voice came from the back of the small restaurant.

  Opposite her, Kit turned in her seat, and a delighted smile spread across her pale, freckled features.

  I skipped over to them, hugging each of them in turn, and sat down next to Roanna.

  ‘Have you been waiting long?’ I asked as I shrugged out of my leather jacket. I took off my gloves but was careful to cover my left hand with my right until I revealed the news. I didn’t want to spoil the surprise by flashing my gorgeous ring too soon.

  ‘No, no,’ Roanna said, waving a hand. ‘I got here five minutes ago, and Kit has literally just taken off her coat.’

  ‘It’s so good to see you!’ Kit grinned. ‘Feels like it’s been ages! We have so much to talk about! Good thing I’m here until tomorrow evening!’ Kit was staying with Roanna.

  We quickly ordered our meals, and when the coffees arrived, I was practically bouncing off my seat with excitement.

  ‘So, Lina, what was the news you had for us?’ Kit said with an enthusiastic smile. ‘I bet I can guess.’ She raised her brows and glanced at my hands. My right still firmly covered my left.

  ‘Well…’ I beamed. ‘A few weeks ago Michael asked me to marry him!’ I blurted out. I’d wanted to tell them the whole story first and lead up to the big reveal, but I couldn’t help it. I’d kept this from my friends for over a month.

  Kit’s eyes went wide with excitement, and she yelped. The couple on the table next to us jumped. ‘Oh my god! This is so exciting! Excuse me?’ she screamed to a passing waiter. ‘Can we get some champagne, please? Our friend just got engaged!’

  The waiter smiled and offered his congratulations before disappearing behind the bar.

  ‘Oh, Lina,’ Roanna said in a much more civilised tone, her blue eyes shining. ‘I’m so happy for you. How did he do it?’

  And then, grinning like a Cheshire cat, I told the story of how Michael had taken me to our old high school to ask me to marry him. I told them about the carving on the table, the champagne, even about the sex we’d had in the car before we’d driven to Max’s to look at his new house and share the news.

  ‘Oh my god, that is so bloody romantic, I feel like I’m in a film,’ Kit cooed.

  ‘Yeah, and I’m the wild single one that shags the best man,’ Roanna laughed. ‘Who is the best man? Is he hot?’

  I chuckled. ‘It’s Max, and he’s just got a new girlfriend so hands off!’

  Roanna huffed. ‘There’ll be someone. When’s the wedding?’ she asked eagerly.

  ‘Slow down, Kit gets married first,’ I laughed.

  Pete had proposed to her about a year ago, and they were getting married this summer in Ireland.

  ‘Yeah, but I’ve seen the best man, and I definitely don’t want to shag him,’ Roanna snickered.

  Kit rolled her eyes good-naturedly and smiled. ‘We’ll find you someone one day, and not just someone to shag. Someone to love.’

  ‘Like that’ll ever happen,’ Roanna scoffed. For the most part, she enjoyed her single lifestyle but there were times when loneliness slipped through. It wasn’t much, just a sliver, but it was there.

  ‘I’ve actually got some pretty good news too,’ Kit said once we’d all eaten and our plates had been cleared away. I’d had a full English, and I was so stuffed I didn’t think I’d want to eat again until at least the following Thursday.

  ‘You have?’ Roanna said in surprise. Given what she and Pete had been going through recently we weren’t exactly expecting to hear good news.

  Kit nodded, and then looked pensive for a couple of seconds. ‘Well, I suppose its good news. In a way, at least.’ She took a sip of her champagne. ‘Pete’s grandma left us a house in Wilmslow, and after the wedding, we’re going to move in!’

  My jaw dropped.

  ‘That’s amazing!’ said Roanna with wide eyes. ‘Have you been looking for jobs here then?’

  Kit shook her head. ‘Not yet, but I’ll need to start in the next week or so. Primary teaching jobs aren’t always so easy to find.’

  Kit was in her second year of primary teaching, and she loved it. I would have thought seeing kids every day would put you off having your own, but Kit was adamant that being around children all day only made her want them more.

  ‘Why did his grandma even have a house in Wilmslow? Didn’t she live in Ireland her whole life?’ I asked.

  Kit shook her head. ‘She lived in Wilmslow in her twenties and married a man from Manchester. They broke up when she was in her thirties but remained close friends. He didn’t remarry, and he never took her off the will, so when he passed last year, it became hers.’

  ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘That’s amazing.
’

  ‘You know what this means though don’t you?’ Roanna said with a smile.

  ‘What?’ Kit and I both said.

  She grinned and took a sip of her champagne and then lifted her glass. ‘Once you get here, this can be a weekly thing. To new beginnings.’

  We raised our glasses. ‘To new beginnings.’

  The following Saturday we had plans at Michael’s parents’ house.

  We were celebrating our engagement with his family and mine, after celebrating with friends at our apartment the previous weekend. Kit had left early to catch her flight back to Dublin, but it had been a lovely evening. Tonight, however, we were a little anxious.

  Genevieve was finally coming home.

  It had been years since she’d stepped foot in the family home, and the anticipation of her visit was overshadowing the news of our engagement. We didn’t mind. We knew this was a big deal, and we were hoping that Genevieve would be a changed woman. She was still with Jez, so I didn’t hold too much hope, but she said she had a job and that she and Jez were living in a little flat which sounded far more promising than what she’d been doing before.

  It was possible our expectations were so low based on her previous life choices, and perhaps we shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, but it was hard to be optimistic when it came to Michael’s older sister.

  ‘Nervous?’ I asked Michael as we pulled up outside the house. He looked a little pale.

  He was quiet, and then he took a deep breath. ‘I should be excited.’

  I smiled sadly and sighed. ‘I know, but maybe it won’t be as bad as you think.’

  Michael scoffed. ‘You know as well as I do it will be.’

  I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t lie to Michael. I didn’t want to. I knew there was every chance that this would be the hardest night we’d had for a very long time, but I also didn’t want to tell him that. ‘I know this evening probably won’t be about us, and it might not be happy or jovial, or maybe even tolerable, but what I do know is that we’re in this together, and we always will be.’ I took his hand in mine and pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles.

  ‘I love it when you do that, Lina,’ he said, a smile tugging ever so slightly at the corners of his mouth.