All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

  ‘But you’re as fit as a twenty-five-year-old!’ I reminded him. Last time he’d been to his GP for a routine check-up, the doctor had been astounded at how fit and healthy he was. He rode his bike every day, ran every other day and played tennis with Lydia three times a week.

  ‘You should do it, Dave,’ Lydia said, appearing in the kitchen doorway. ‘Elina has done everything else on the list.’

  I could see in his eyes that he wanted to say yes. Excitement swirled in his brown eyes. But something held him back.

  ‘I know it will be different without Michael,’ Lydia said, coming into the room and standing behind her husband, resting her hands on his shoulders. ‘It was your thing. But wouldn’t it be nice to honour his memory by doing the one thing you always wanted to?’

  Dave looked close to tears. ‘It would be. He deserves it. He was the greatest son I could have hoped for.’

  ‘Is that a yes?’ I asked excitedly.

  Dave thought for a moment, and then, he grinned. ‘I think it is!’ he laughed, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around me. ‘We’re so lucky Michael brought you into our lives, Elina. I’m so proud to call you my daughter-in-law. You know that, don’t you?’

  I was suddenly close to tears myself. ‘Yes. You’d never let me forget it. Michael was so lucky to have you two. He was so loved.’

  ‘He is so loved, Elina,’ Dave reminded me as he unfolded his arms from around me. ‘Is that the last item on the list?’ he asked after a short pause.

  I shook my head and took a deep breath. ‘There’s one thing left. And I want to do that first. It’s another reason I want to give it a few years before we climb the mountain.’

  Lydia frowned and Dave looked intrigued. ‘What is it?’ Lydia asked.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  28th January 2017

  ‘Do you ever wonder what might have happened if we’d met when we were older?’ I mused one rainy Saturday evening.

  Michael and I sat in the living room, each reading to the sound of the crackling fire we’d found on Netflix. We’d discovered it just before Christmas and loved it. We’d always wanted a real fire, and this was about as close as we were getting for the time being. The fake one beneath the TV didn’t make the crackling noises.

  Michael looked at me over The Snowman by Jo Nesbo. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked with a raised brow.

  ‘What if we weren’t in any of the same classes at school? What if we never spoke? Do you think we’d have met anyway?’ I asked.

  Michael smiled. ‘If we hadn’t met at school, I doubt we’d have bonded over our Harry Potter pencil cases. We might not have had pencil cases at all for that matter.’

  I laughed and shut my book. I was reading The Secret Fountain by Victoria Fox. ‘How do you think we’d have met? Perhaps in a bar or something?’

  Michael closed his book and took off his glasses. His brown eyes sparkled as he leaned closer to me. ‘Maybe in a bar. Maybe I’d have spotted you looking ridiculously sexy in your red velvet dress.’

  I leaned into him, close enough to smell his seductive cologne. I’d bought him a Jean Paul Gautier one for Christmas. ‘Do you think so? Would you have taken me back to your flat?’

  ‘Well, I’d want to treat you like a lady,’ he whispered. ‘Maybe ask for your number and take you out for a nice meal first. But… if you were in that red dress, I’m not sure I’d be able to resist taking you straight home.’

  I swallowed hard. ‘Really? What sort of move would you make?’ My voice was hoarse and shallow.

  Michael reached over and slowly, softly, tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. My skin tingled at his touch. ‘I’ll tell you what. Why don’t I jump in the shower and slip into my smartest suit and meet you at that new cocktail bar on the corner in about an hour?’

  I frowned, smiling. My tummy somersaulted. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You want to know what it would have been like to meet as adults,’ he said in a deep, sexy tone. ‘I’d like to show you.’

  I looked in the mirror and gave myself one last once-over.

  I’d put on the red velvet dress, Michael had mentioned

  before. It had slinky straps over the shoulders and hugged my body tight, giving me curves I didn’t seem to have when I wore anything else. I’d taken time on my makeup, perfecting a smoky eye and red lip. I didn’t often dress up like this and hoped it wasn’t too much.

  I’d showered and shaved, and my blonde hair hung in loose waves to my breasts.

  My heart pounded with excitement as I sat on the bed to strap on my shoes. They were black stilettoes with laces entwining their way up and around my ankles. I was quite frankly rubbish at walking in heels, so I was pleased Michael had asked me to meet him somewhere that was less than two minutes away.

  Finishing the look with a black leather jacket, I smiled to myself as I wondered where the night would take us. Our typical Saturday evenings consisted of the two of us in our pyjamas eating chocolate and watching films or playing games. I loved how we spent our Saturday nights, but I was excited about doing something different, something out of the ordinary, something that made my tummy flip over and over as I made my way down the cold, cobbled street to the cocktail bar. The night air kissed the bare skin on my legs, and my heels clinked on the ground as I tried carefully to step outside the cracks in the cobbles. The rain had stopped but puddles dotted the roads.

  Once inside the bar, I scanned the crowd. It was after nine and had started to get busy. I couldn’t see Michael, so I pushed through the throng of bodies, past over after-shaved men and underdressed women, and to the bar where I managed to find a seat at the less crowded side. The music was loud, and I didn’t recognise the dance song that played. It reminded me that I hadn’t actually been out in a long time and that I didn’t miss it all that much.

  Before Christmas, I’d started drinking small amounts of alcohol again, so I ordered a Martini to sip on as I waited for my man to arrive.

  After fifteen minutes of sipping on my drink and shooing away a couple of other men, Michael finally slid into the seat next to mine.

  ‘Finally!’ I breathed a sigh of relief. And then I took him in.

  My heart jumped.

  He looked devastatingly handsome.

  He wore a navy blue suit with a sharp black tie over a white shirt. His sprinkling of stubble had never looked so sexy, and his glasses framed gorgeous brown eyes that I lost myself in. His hair was shaggy as I liked it; like he’d just rolled out of bed. I fought the urge to lick my lips.

  Michael turned to face me and frowned. ‘Excuse me?’ he said, appearing confused.

  ‘It feels like I’ve been waiting for you for ages!’ I said with a light laugh.

  Michael smirked. ‘I’m afraid you must be mistaken. I don’t believe we’ve met before. I think I’d remember meeting someone like you.’ His gaze skimmed up and down my body, pausing a touch longer at my breasts.

  I smiled and nodded, straightening myself up to play the part of a mysterious stranger. ‘I bet you say that to all the girls,’ I said, bringing my drink to lips. I took a slow sip and then licked my lips in what I hoped was a seductive manner.

  Michael bit his lip, and his gaze lingered on mine for a while. When the bartender asked to take his order, he gave it to him without looking away from me, ordering a scotch for himself and another Martini for me.

  ‘I can assure you I do not, Miss. This is the first time I have ever meant such words,’ he flirted.

  I took another sip of my drink and tried to stop myself from giggling. ‘Are you here alone?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes. Are you?’

  I nodded too. ‘I am. I was waiting.’

  Michael’s brow raised. ‘Ah, for a gentleman friend perhaps?’

  ‘Perhaps,’ I said with a slow smile.

  ‘Can I ask your name?’ he asked. His voice was deep and

  rich like a fine, aged wine.

  ‘I’m Elina,’ I said, putting out my hand.
<
br />   ‘Michael.’ He shook my hand, and when we touched, my skin tingled as though it were the first time we had ever done so. My tummy jumped.

  ‘It’s nice to meet you, Elina,’ he said, emphasising my name in a way that made my toes curl. He said it with such a rough edge.

  ‘Likewise,’ I said, and then took a big sip of Martini, realising my mouth had suddenly become dry.

  ‘You know, Elina, I would normally chat to a girl a little while longer before asking what I’m about to ask. But I don’t think I can wait another second.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ I asked with a raised brow. ‘And what’s that, Michael?’

  He took my hand in his and began tracing circles in my palm with his fingers. ‘I would very much like to ask you to dance with me?’ He took a big sip of his scotch.

  I followed suit with my Martini. ‘I don’t usually dance, Michael, but maybe I’ll make an exception.’

  Michael finished the rest of his scotch and got to his feet, gently holding my hand in his.

  I stood too and nearly wobbled on the heels. I saved myself by grabbing onto the bar with my free hand. ‘It’s the shoes,’ I said shyly, nodding to my feet.

  Michael laughed softly. ‘I’ll catch you if you fall, Elina.’

  He led me through the crowd, and my body buzzed, a mix of alcohol and the exhilaration of playing this game. It was like I was seeing my husband again for the first time, and him me.

  When we found a spot on the crowded dance floor, they started playing Enrique, Bailamos.

  I spun in his arms so that my back was against his chest, and moved my hips to the music against him. His hands splayed across my ribs, rubbing their way up and down my stomach. It was tantalising, and I felt him stirring against my bum as he writhed against me to the music. His breath was hot against my neck, and I was dying for him to kiss my skin. But it was like he was teasing me; like he knew what I wanted and was purposely holding back.

  I reached up to run my hands through his shaggy hair, gently scraping my nails against his scalp, pulling slightly. He took a sharp breath, and his hands tightened on my stomach. He moved his hands higher, teasing my breasts. I felt my nipples harden beneath the velvet. I’d neglected to wear a bra.

  Adrenaline flooded through my veins, filling my head with a rush I’d never felt before. Every cell tingled with arousal, and I wanted nothing more than to take this man home and have my wicked way with him.

  I hadn’t felt this before.

  It was new.

  Exciting.

  Sex with Michael had always been fantastic; over the years we’d gotten to know each other’s bodies intimately well. But this feeling was different. It was alluring. Desperate. Hungry.

  When I lowered my hands to his waistband, I realised I couldn’t wait any longer.

  I turned in his arms to face him.

  Brown eyes were dark with lust. He slid his hands down my back and cupped my bum, squeezing.

  I rested my forehead against his and stared at his full, parted lips. They were plump and wet, begging for me to take them with my own.

  Excitement swirled in my tummy, my pulse raced, and I slowly reached out my tongue to lick his lips.

  He groaned and started to suckle on my tongue.

  Within a moment, we were kissing with a passion I’d never known before. Our teeth clashed together. I bit his lip and he bit mine. Blood lingered in our kiss, and I was surprised to find that turned me on even more. Heat spread across my skin.

  I reluctantly pulled away, breathless. ‘Do you live close by, Michael?’ I said through ragged breaths.

  ‘Yes,’ he breathed. ‘Can I escort you to somewhere a little more private, Elina?’

  I kissed him again. Hard. ‘Please. If you don’t, I’m going to have to fuck you right here.’

  Michael pushed me back onto the bed, and I landed with a soft crash into the pillows.

  He stood above me, pulling off his shirt and tugging off his tie, tossing them to one side. He moved onto his trousers, pushing them down his legs and throwing them behind him. And then he took off his boxers, revealing what I’d wanted to get my hands on ever since he’d sat next to me in the bar. I stared him in the eye and sat up, unable to resist him, and crawled over to the edge of the bed where he stood.

  I steadied myself by holding onto the top of his hard thighs and took him in my mouth.

  We groaned together, and his fingers entwined themselves in my hair, pulling gently. I sped up, wanting, needing more of him.

  But he pulled away from me. ‘No,’ he breathed. ‘I won’t last if you keep doing that.’

  I smiled and reached for the hem of my dress. He grabbed my wrists, stopping me.

  ‘There isn’t time for that, Elina,’ he whispered roughly.

  He lifted my legs from beneath me, and suddenly he was on top of me. He yanked my dress up to my waist and pushed my knickers to the side. His eyes were raw with hunger.

  He finally joined our bodies together, and I was in a heaven I never knew existed.

  ‘Last night was incredible, Mr Mills,’ I whispered early the next morning, pressing my naked body against his. I was already ready for more. Something had awoken in me last night. I’d done and said things I’d never thought I would. It felt like I was discovering a whole new side to sex. And it was a good side. A side I was desperate to explore further.

  Michael’s eyes opened slowly, and he gave me a crooked smile. ‘My god, I’m so bloody glad you’re my wife.’ He turned to face me and ran his hand slowly up and down my back.

  I gave him a mischievous smile and reached between his legs.

  ‘Already wanting more, Mrs Mills? The three times last night weren’t enough?’ he laughed lightly. ‘You know, I never thought you’d threaten to fuck me on a dance floor. But I can’t say I didn’t thoroughly enjoy it.’

  I giggled as I started to rub him. ‘I can’t believe I said

  that. Last night was perfect. But merely just a teaser of what I want to do today. I want to spend the whole day in bed with you. You’re not putting a single item of clothing on today, Mr Mills.’

  ‘Oh, that sounds like a good plan. I married a very, very smart woman.’ He closed the distance between us and took my mouth with his.

  Desire spread throughout my entire body again as I explored him with my hand. He groaned as I cupped his balls, but suddenly I felt something, and a sharp, cold pain erupted in my tummy, putting out the fire that had been raging there, like a splash of freezing cold water. I jerked my hand away and stilled.

  Michael pulled away as he felt me freeze. ‘Sweetheart, what’s wrong?’

  I wanted to touch him again, to see if I had imagined it, but I daren’t. I swallowed a gulp of fear and slick sweat beaded across my forehead as nausea swelled within my belly. ‘Michael, I think I just felt something. Something I don’t think should be there.’

  Chapter Thirty

  2nd February 2017

  ‘The doctor said there are several other things it could be, sweetheart,’ Michael said gently, reaching across to squeeze my hand.

  I nodded, but my brow remained furrowed. I swallowed. ‘You’re right. We shouldn’t jump to conclusions,’ I said quietly after a while. My throat was dry, my voice hoarse, gripped by fear.

  We were in the car on the way home from the doctors. After finding a lump in Michael’s testicle, we’d been to the doctors for a diagnosis. The doctor had informed us that most testicular lumps were non-cancerous and benign, and required no medical action whatsoever, but after completing a couple of tests himself, he had referred us for further examinations.

  I was petrified, and only one word flashed through my mind.

  I’d had trouble focusing on what the doctor was saying. My heart had been in my throat the whole time, and all I’d wanted to do was cry. But I had to be strong for my husband. I could see that he was terrified, but that he was trying to be strong for me, too.

  ‘They probably just ordered extra tests to be certain. To m
ake sure it definitely is nothing,’ he said softly.

  I nodded again and looked out of the window. Rain pitter-pattered on the glass, and I studied each droplet of water, watching the orange glow of the streetlights light them up, following them as they ran all the way down the window and disappeared. It was just after six. Pitch black. ‘Yeah,’ I said in a hoarse voice. I couldn’t have spoken louder if I’d tried. I was drained.

  Michael didn’t say anything else, and neither did I. We finished the journey listening to the gentle sound of the rain, trickling down the windows, and the sound of windscreen wipers that swept the little drops away as though they’d never been there at all.

  ‘Elina,’ Michael whispered into the dark later that night. ‘Are you awake?’

  ‘Yes,’ I replied softly. We’d been in bed for about two hours, but I’d been lying there like a statue the whole time. Cold, like stone.

  I was exhausted. My body needed rest. But my mind wouldn’t allow it. I was too worried. Dread weighed me down too hard, and the peace of sleep would not come. My eyes refused to close, despite how heavy they were, and were fixed on the ceiling.

  ‘It will be okay, you know?’ he whispered, reaching across to find my hand.

  I grabbed it and squeezed it tight. ‘It will?’ I asked, swallowing a lump of terror.

  I heard him nod against his pillow and he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. ‘Yes. We have each other, Elina. And as long as we have each other, we can get through anything. I promise you.’

  Two weeks later, I’d just posted my latest blog when there was a knock at the door.

  ‘Roanna? Are you okay?’ I asked as I opened the door to one of my best friends.

  She looked dreadful. Her eyeliner was smudged, and black tear trails ran all the way down her cheeks. Her hair was soaking from the storm that blustered outside.

  She shook her head. ‘Can I come in?’ She was on the verge of more tears.

  I nodded and stepped aside so she could come inside. ‘You should know I have to meet-’