All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

Roanna cut me off and shoved a man’s white shirt into my hands. ‘Look at this! Smell it!’

  I frowned at her and shut the door. ‘What is it?’

  She took her coat off and threw it on the floor in a huff. I reached down and picked it up, hanging it on the hook on

  the back of the door to dry.

  ‘It’s Eric’s shirt! Now sniff it and tell me what you think.’

  I brought the garment to my nose and inhaled. ‘It smells like perfume,’ I replied, suddenly knowing exactly where this was going.

  Roanna’s lip quivered. ‘Now look at the collar.’

  I unfolded the screwed up shirt and inspected the collar. There was a smudge of bright pink. ‘Ah. Lipstick.’

  Roanna nodded and covered her face with her hands as the tears began to fall again.

  I rushed to her side and wrapped my arms around her. ‘Oh, Roanna,’ I whispered. ‘Is it definitely not yours?’

  Roanna shook her head violently against my shoulder. ‘I’ve never worn pink lipstick in my life, and I’d never wear such a disgustingly flowery perfume!’ she sobbed.

  ‘Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,’ I soothed. ‘Let me make you a cup of tea.’ I slowly unwrapped my arms and led her to sit down on one of the kitchen stools.

  She sat there, crying her eyes out. ‘I am so fucking stupid, Lina. I hardly even knew the guy, and I bloody married him!’

  ‘You loved him,’ I said softly, as I filled the kettle with water and set it to boil. ‘There’s nothing stupid about that.’

  Roanna looked up at me through a blur of tears. ‘I hadn’t

  even known him a year when we got married.’

  I tugged off a bit of kitchen roll from the side and passed it to her. Her runny nose couldn’t wait for me to get the box of tissues in the bathroom. ‘You were in love.’

  ‘I was infatuated! I thought I’d finally met someone I could share my life with! And then what happens? He cheats on me less than three months into our marriage,’ she raged. ‘I gave up so much for him! I would never have done this to him! He was The One!’

  ‘I know you wouldn’t. You’re not a shit like him!’ I said, angered on behalf of my best friend.

  ‘No, I’m bloody not! I did his fucking washing, and he shags someone else? He bloody asked me to do it for him knowing what I would find! It’s like he wanted to rub it in my face!’

  ‘How have things been since the wedding?’ I asked. I’d assumed everything had been perfect as Roanna had done nothing but gush about their honeymoon and what they’d been up to since.

  ‘I thought things were great!’ she exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air.

  ‘I’m so, so sorry, Roanna,’ I said again as I took two mugs from the cupboard and placed a tea bag in each of them.

  ‘God, I’m sorry too, Lina. Just coming here unannounced

  like this,’ she said, sniffling.

  ‘Hey, don’t be silly, you’re always welcome. My door is always open for you, okay?’ I said kindly, as I poured hot water into our mugs and swirled the teabags around inside them before taking them out and adding a splash of milk to each.

  ‘Thank you. You’re the best,’ she said, managing a tiny smile.

  I smiled back as I handed her one of the cups of tea. ‘Listen, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need, but you should know I have to be somewhere in fifteen minutes.’

  Roanna frowned. ‘Where are you going?’ she took a sip of her tea, wrapping her hands around the hot mug.

  I hesitated. I hadn’t told anyone about what was going on with Michael yet. ‘I’m meeting Michael at the hospital,’ I said, undecided as to whether I would tell her the whole truth yet. He’d had some more tests done, and I was meeting him there for the results.

  Roanna’s eyes widened in concern. ‘The hospital? What’s wrong? Has something happened?’

  I shook my head, knowing then I couldn’t tell the truth yet. ‘No. It’s nothing to worry about. We’re thinking about trying for a baby again, and we want to make sure everything is okay,’ I lied.

  I took a huge gulp of my tea. It was still too hot and burned my throat as I swallowed.

  ‘Oh,’ Roanna said with a small smile. ‘I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll finish my tea, and then I’ll leave and let you get on.’

  ‘No, no. Don’t be stupid. The guest bedroom is made up. Have a shower, get some rest. Make yourself at home,’ I insisted. I wanted to be alone with Michael tonight when we got back, whatever the results, but I didn’t have the heart turn my devastated friend away.

  Roanna started to sob again. ‘Are you sure, Lina?’

  I nodded. ‘Yes. Of course. When we get back, we’ll all have some tea together and talk things over. I think we have a bottle of red, too.’

  Roanna seemed relieved. ‘That sounds amazing, Lina. Just what I need. Ring me when you’re on your way back, and I’ll place an order for a Chinese?’

  I smiled, but inside I was already exhausted. ‘That would be lovely.’

  ‘…the good news is we have caught it before it has the chance to progress into something angrier, something incurable,’ the doctor explained.

  But I couldn’t concentrate on the words. They didn’t seem to mean anything. Minutes ago, the doctor had revealed that Michael had stage two testicular cancer. Anything the doctor had said since then had been nothing but gobbledygook.

  ‘…while the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes in the abdomen, I am confident that with the right treatment, we can get you back to full health.’

  ‘What sort of treatment are we looking at, doctor?’ Michael asked. He sounded so calm and steady, so unsurprised by what the doctor had told us. It was as though deep down he’d known what to expect all along.

  ‘There will be two stages of treatment, Mr Mills. The first will be to remove the testicle through a surgical procedure, and the second will be to complete a course of radiotherapy that will take just three to four weeks.’

  I blinked and shook my head.

  I couldn’t believe what was going on.

  I’d sat in that hospital not too long before to find out that my pregnancy had failed. And just when things were getting better, this was happening. Hadn’t we been through enough already?

  How could Michael have cancer?

  He was fit, his diet was healthy, he exercised.

  How was this possible?

  How was it fair?

  ‘Will I still be able to father a child?’ Michael asked. I could hear the fear in his voice, though he’d tried hard to

  conceal it.

  The doctor nodded. ‘Yes. There is no reason why you cannot one day become a father after undergoing this treatment. The radiotherapy can cause temporary sperm damage, so we advise not to try and conceive for up to a year after the treatment.’

  Michael thought for a moment, and when he spoke, his voice was calm once again. ‘Is sperm banking an option? You know, just in case.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ the doctor said confidently. ‘Many patients choose to go down that road. Sperm is usually stored for around ten years, but in cases, it can be even longer.’

  Michael nodded, taking in the information.

  I was just numb, astounded by how calm Michael seemed. He was so strong.

  ‘I know this is a very frightening time for you both, but you should know that ninety-five percent of men with stage two testicular seminomas survive for at least five years after treatment. Testicular cancer has one of the highest survival rates of all cancers,’ he said in a reassuring tone.

  Michael let out a long breath. ‘Is there anything else we should know?’

  The doctor shook his head. ‘Not at present. We will be in touch regarding your treatment programme imminently, but in the meantime, try and live your lives as normally as you can.’

  ‘Hi, Lina? Do you want me to order the food?’ Roanna said, sounding a bit more upbeat than she did when I’d left her. I’d phoned her from the waiting room as I waited for Michael to use the t
oilets.

  ‘Roanna, I lied to you before,’ I said in a hoarse tone. I stayed silent for a while, preparing myself for what I was about to say. ‘We didn’t come to check if we could get pregnant. We’ve just found out that Michael has cancer.’ I spat the words out fast before I could burst into tears. I put my hand over my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut.

  I heard Roanna gasp. ‘Oh my god, Lina! I’m so sorry. How bad is it?’

  ‘I’ll tell you all about it soon. I just want to absorb it all first, with Michael,’ I said, swallowing a hard lump in my throat. ‘Please don’t say anything to anyone else.’

  ‘I won’t. I promise,’ she said sincerely. ‘And, look, I’m gonna go to Kit’s. I’ll be gone by the time you get home. You guys need your privacy tonight.’

  ‘Okay. Thanks,’ I whispered. It was all I could manage. ‘I’ll speak to you soon.’

  Michael and I arrived home hand in hand to a box of Chinese food sat on the kitchen table.

  ‘Bless her,’ I whispered as I shrugged out of my coat.

  ‘Who?’ Michael said as he took my coat and hung it on the back of the door with his.

  ‘Roanna was here earlier,’ I told him. ‘I guess she left us some food.’

  ‘That was kind of her,’ he stated numbly. ‘Are you hungry?’

  I shook my head. Even the smell of my favourite sweet and sour king prawns didn’t stir a rumbling in my tummy.

  ‘Me neither,’ he said, wrapping his arms around me. I melted into his embrace and allowed the tears to fall. He kissed the top of my head. ‘It’s going to be okay, sweetheart. The doctor said it will all be okay.’

  I nodded against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing tight.

  ‘It might not be okay if you squeeze my stomach to the point of explosion,’ he wheezed.

  I loosened my grip and managed a smile. How was it he could make me smile even then? ‘Sorry. I just love you so much,’ I said desperately. ‘I can’t bear the thought of something happening to you. I just can’t.’

  Michael kissed the top of my head again. ‘I know. I love you so much, too.’ He paused for a few seconds and then took a deep breath. ‘Now, I know we’re not hungry, but we have to eat. So what do you say we get into our pyjamas and try and eat that in bed with Friends on?’

  ‘Yeah. Okay,’ I said through a sniffle. ‘That sounds nice.’

  ‘How do you feel?’ I asked Michael later that night once the light was out. He was spooning me, and I’d never needed it more. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep without him holding me tonight. There were nights when I’d wake up and just touch him as he slept so that I could feel close to him in the depth of nocturnal darkness where worries reared their ugly faces, but tonight I needed more than just a touch.

  ‘I feel okay, and also not okay,’ he said after a few seconds of pondering. ‘I feel positive that we caught it early and that with treatment, I’ll live. But I’ve also never felt so sure of my own death.’

  I swallowed a lump of devastation. ‘What do you mean?’

  Michael took a deep breath. ‘I feel confident this cancer won’t kill me. But it hit me tonight that one day something will. I’ve never really thought about dying before. I’ve just lived.’

  ‘It’s horrible,’ I said, whimpering a bit.

  Michael nodded against my head. ‘Elina, if something happens to me before I grow old, I want you to promise me something?’

  Tears rolled down my cheeks. ‘Oh, god,’ I sobbed. I didn’t want to imagine growing old without him. The thought of it was too painful; it made it hard to breathe. ‘What, Michael?’

  Michael inhaled deeply. ‘If I die before I get to see you look like you do in that photograph Max gave us, I want you to move on. I want you to find love again.’

  I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. Broken. ‘Michael, I… You’re the only one for me. I love you; you’re my soulmate.’

  ‘And you’re mine. You always have been. But nothing hurts me more than imagining you growing old on your own, without someone to make you smile. To make you laugh.’ His words were spoken so tenderly.

  ‘It’s not going to come to that, Michael,’ I cried. ‘I can’t let it. I just can’t.’

  Chapter Thirty-One

  14th September 2019

  Time without Michael: 1 Year, 8 Months, 28 Days

  ‘Guess what?’ Max said enthusiastically. I’d just got home from a late lunch with Roanna and Kit. I’d told them all about my plan to train to climb Mont Blanc, and they’d insisted on being at the top when I reached it.

  Upon our return from the States, Kit had confessed to Pete what she’d done in Las Vegas, and after a long, long talk, they’d decided to try their best to make their marriage work. They still loved each other, but somewhere between work and raising children they’d forgotten what it had been like to be young and in love. Kit knew it would take some time for the trust to return to their marriage, but they were both determined for it to work, and to last for the rest of their lives.

  Roanna had returned to her usual self after seeing Eric in Miami. She’d asked me never to remind of her moment of weakness, and I’d agreed. She was heading to Italy in a few days for work and had joked that she’d be bringing an Italian man home with her. I hoped she was right.

  ‘What?’ I asked, matching his happy tone as I shut the door behind me. I took off my jacket and shivered. The evenings were growing a little chillier.

  ‘I got a job!’ Max exclaimed.

  ‘Max, that’s brilliant! And you seem excited, so I’m assuming it’s one that you want?’

  Max nodded, beaming. ‘I’m going to be a store manager of a climbing goods shop in town!’

  ‘That’s wonderful, Max!’ I gushed and rushed over to hug him.

  He wrapped his arms around me, and I rested my head on his comforting shoulder. ‘I’m excited! It’s not quite what I was doing in Thailand but it’s to do with climbing, and that’s something. I can probably get you a discount on gear for when you climb Mont Blanc.’

  ‘It’s a few years away yet,’ I reminded him. ‘You might have moved up in the world by then. You might be in some other exotic country teaching climbing.’ My heart sank at my words. As wonderful as it would be for him to travel and see the world, a selfish part of me would miss him terribly if he left again. I hugged him tighter and squeezed my eyes shut.

  ‘Maybe,’ he said against my hair. ‘But guess what else?’

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘I’ve found a flat to move into,’ Max said.

  I looked up at him. ‘What?’

  ‘I can finally get out of your hair,’ he said happily, looking down at me.

  I pulled away from him. ‘Max, that’s not what I want. I want you to stay. I love having you here,’ I said. My voice sounded a bit desperate.

  Max sighed. ‘I love being here, too. But eventually, we need to live apart.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked stupidly.

  ‘Because we do. One day we’ll both meet someone. We’ll fall in love.’

  I suddenly felt crushed. I’d found some semblance of a home having Max here. I didn’t want that to end. I didn’t want to be alone again. ‘But we’ve had such a great time together,’ I said, moving closer to him again. ‘When are you planning on moving?’

  ‘The place is ready this weekend. I’ve already started packing,’ he said gently.

  And then I did something that surprised me. I looked deep into Max’s eyes and pressed my lips against his.

  Max abruptly pulled away from me. ‘Lina, what are you doing?’ He looked shocked, confused.

  I shook my head and turned away, wiping my lips with my hand. ‘I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing.’ My head whirled with emotions. All I knew was that I didn’t want Max to go away.

  ‘Lina, look at me,’ Max said gently. ‘It’s me.’

  I slowly turned to face him again. He was right there. So

  close to me. His
body was almost touching mine. And then he cupped my face in his hands, and when I looked up, our eyes met.

  The distance between us closed again, and his lips were on mine. This time, neither of us pulled away.

  *

  When Max left to meet up with his new boss the next day, I grabbed my phone and texted Roanna and Kit, begging them to come over as soon as they could.

  My head reeled.

  I couldn’t believe what I’d let happen last night. I’d woken early in the morning, next to Max in the spare bedroom. Naked.

  I felt nauseous. Guilty. Satisfied. Torn.

  Once I’d texted my friends, I headed straight for the shower. I sat beneath the warm cascade of water, letting it cleanse my skin, hoping it would wash away the guilt and shame that sat within me.

  I cried and cried. Michael was no longer the only lover I’d ever had. No longer the last person to satisfy me like that.

  I sat there until my hands wrinkled, and then I washed my hair and scrubbed my body clean in a daze.

  As I was about to dry my hair, a series of urgent knocks

  sounded at the door.

  I threw the hair dryer to the bed, snuggled myself into my fluffy white dressing gown and practically sprinted to the door.

  ‘What’s happened?’ Roanna asked at once when I let her and Kit in. They both looked worried, and each of them had brought something with them. Kit had brought a tin of Roses and Roanna had brought a bottle of Prosecco, even though it was only eleven in the morning.

  ‘I feel terrible, guys,’ I said, not even knowing where to start as they followed me to the sofa.

  ‘Why? What’s happened?’ Kit pressed on, sitting down and opening the tin of Roses. Roanna headed to the kitchen to retrieve three glasses. When she returned, she poured us each a glass of the bubbly stuff.

  I picked up the glass and took a large sip, reaching for the Roses, remaining silent.

  ‘Are you going to tell us why we’re here or…?’ Roanna asked when I didn’t say anything.

  ‘I think I just need to spit it out, but it’s hard,’ I started, taking a deep breath and shoving another chocolate in my mouth.

  ‘Just say it, Lina. Rip off the Band-Aid,’ Roanna said.