All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

  ‘Whatever you tell us, we’re here for you. Like we said in Miami, remember?’ Kit reminded me.

  I shut my eyes and inhaled. ‘I slept with Max last night.’

  I heard my friends gasp, and then I opened my eyes.

  Their jaws were on the floor, eyes wide.

  ‘Oh, wow,’ Roanna said. ‘That wasn’t what I was expecting.’

  ‘No,’ Kit agreed. ‘It certainly wasn’t.’

  ‘What do you think?’ I asked urgently, taking another sip of prosecco. Normally I wouldn’t entertain the idea of drinking before lunchtime, but I didn’t care that morning. ‘Do you think I’m awful?’ I asked before they even had a chance to answer my first question.

  ‘Why would we think you’re awful?’ Kit asked.

  ‘Yeah, you had sex. You didn’t kill anyone!’ Roanna agreed.

  ‘I had sex with my dead husband’s best friend!’ I whispered the words. I didn’t want to repeat them. Or even hear them.

  Kit shook her head. ‘He’s also one of your best friend’s Lina. Don’t forget that. You always seem to.’

  ‘You haven’t done anything wrong, Elina,’ Roanna assured me.

  ‘Then why does it feel like I’ve betrayed Michael in the worst possible way?’ I scoffed.

  Kit and Roanna looked at each other delicately.

  Roanna sighed. ‘The first time you slept with someone

  after Michael was always going to feel strange, Elina. He was your husband, and he died. He didn’t leave you by choice, and you didn’t leave him.’

  Tears clouded my eyes. ‘I feel like I’ve cheated on him.’

  Kit shook her head again and took my free hand in both of hers. ‘No, you haven’t. You’re living your life, Lina. What did Michael say before he died, when he had cancer?’

  ‘He said he wouldn’t want me to live without love,’ I said, fighting back a sob. ‘Without passion.’

  ‘There you go, Lina. I know it feels awful now. But you’re not cheating on him,’ Kit said reassuringly, squeezing my hand. ‘I know if I were in your position you’d be saying the exact thing to me.’

  ‘Maybe you should talk to Max?’ Roanna suggested.

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. He might feel just as bad.’

  ‘All the more reason to talk to him,’ Kit said. ‘I mean, do you think you’ll start something now?’

  I pursed my lips. I hadn’t considered that. I took every day as it came. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, do you like Max like that?’ Roanna queried.

  I shrugged again, this time more helplessly. I didn’t know much of anything. ‘I don’t even know that. I know that despite these feelings I enjoyed last night. I know I enjoyed being in his arms, I enjoyed being kissed again.’

  ‘Do you want to do it again?’ Kit asked.

  ‘I really don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not,’ I said lamely.

  Roanna offered me a smile. ‘You don’t have to decide anything today.’

  ‘I know,’ I said with a sigh. ‘I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how I felt. But I feel so lost. I don’t know anything anymore. Life was so simple with Michael. I knew everything then. Even after all we went through, losing the baby, the cancer. Those times were so hard, but we had each other. And without him, everything I know is gone.’

  ‘Maybe you’re not ready yet,’ Kit suggested softly.

  I shook my head. ‘I don’t think I am.’

  Roanna and Kit had left by the time Max returned home a few hours later. I’d dried my hair and got dressed in jeans and a cosy lilac sweatshirt. I was making us a late lunch when he returned home. Nothing special, just a cheese and ham toastie.

  ‘Hey,’ he said tentatively, as he approached the kitchen.

  ‘Hi,’ I said with a shy smile as I took some ham out of the fridge and placed some inside each toastie. ‘How was the meeting with your new boss?’ I asked before he had the chance to say anything else.

  He looked a bit surprised at my first question but answer-

  -ed it anyway. ‘It was good. We were just arranging my training hours.’

  ‘Cool,’ I said quietly, as I placed the toasties on a plate each. I handed him one.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said politely.

  We sat at the dining table and ate them quietly together.

  ‘We should talk,’ we both said at the same time.

  We laughed lightly.

  ‘You go first,’ Max insisted.

  I smiled at him. ‘First, let me say I’m sorry for getting upset when you said you were moving out. I know you have to. But having you here has been so nice. It’s amazing having someone to come home to. I’ve missed that. And I love you, Max, You’re one of my best friends in the whole world.’ I paused and took a sip of water. He didn’t interrupt. He just sat patiently, waiting for me to continue. ‘Last night was…unexpected. I want you to know I didn’t plan it. But I…enjoyed it. When Michael died, I never even thought of having sex again. I think in the back of my mind I knew I would, in time. But it felt so far away.’ I paused again, catching my breath and gulping down some more water. I was aware I was speaking very fast. ‘I feel so confused, Max. I’ve been thinking about this all day. A part of me feels awful; like I’ve cheated on Michael with his best friend. But now, another part of me feels glad that my first time since Michael was with you. That it was with someone I know. Someone who cares about me. But… I don’t think it should happen again.’

  Max smiled and reached across the table to take my hands in his. ‘As good as it was, I don’t think it should either. I’ve felt the same way. I’ve been beating myself up all day. You’re my best friend’s widow. But you’re also my best friend.’

  I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. ‘We’ll always be best friends, Max.’

  Max nodded. ‘We will. And no matter how guilty we feel, it will pass.’

  ‘I know,’ I said with a long sigh. ‘In time, it will. I think I needed last night, though.’

  ‘Yeah, I think you did. I’ve never had it like that before,’ he joked.

  I playfully slapped his hand as my cheeks flushed. ‘I didn’t mean that. I think I needed intimacy, of any kind. I needed to know it was possible to have it again. And now I know, so thank you, Max.’

  ‘It was my pleasure.’ He grinned. ‘Now, I need to do some packing. Do you want to help?’

  *

  I stood quietly in my bedroom and stared at the last item on Michael’s bucket list.

  Raise a child with Elina.

  I took a deep breath, and with trembling hands, I dialled the number I’d been thinking about dialling for a while.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  22nd April 2017

  ‘How is the treatment going?’ Max asked me.

  It was the first sunny Saturday afternoon that year, and the two of us were sat on the balcony at the apartment drinking iced coffees. Michael was fast asleep and had been for the past twelve hours.

  ‘It’s going well,’ I told him optimistically. ‘He’s been exhausted and weak, though. I’ll be so glad in a week when it’s over; then maybe we can get some sense of normality back, and we can have you and Poppy over to celebrate.’ I still didn’t care for Poppy. She treated Max like a slave sometimes but I’d decided it was none of my business and he seemed happy. Plus, I had other things on my mind.

  Max grinned. ‘That’d be great. But how about just us three? Like old times.’

  My brow raised. ‘Trouble in paradise?’

  Max shook his head. ‘Nah. She makes me laugh, but I don’t think we have what you two have.’

  ‘Max, of course, you don’t. You’ve only been seeing her five minutes! And you should never compare your relationship to anyone else’s. They’re all different.’

  Max sighed. ‘You’re right. But it’s been ages since we’ve

  had a night just the three of us.’

  ‘It has. But I’ll only agree to it if you two do my nails again,’ I joked.

  Max l
aughed out loud, and the sound was warm, familiar. ‘Deal.’ He paused. ‘Anyway, how are you coping with this whole cancer thing?’

  I took a sip of my iced coffee and stayed quiet for a moment. I shrugged. ‘I guess I’m okay. At first, I was terrified, but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I feel much better. It’s affected Michael in other ways, though.’

  Max’s brows knitted together. ‘How do you mean?’

  I leaned forward in my deck chair. ‘He’s been… morbid. He’s weirdly fine with the cancer, he knows this won’t kill him, but it’s hit him that one day something will. He keeps talking about all the stuff he wants to do before he dies, and he’s trying to get me to promise to move on with my life if he dies too young.’

  ‘That’s rough,’ Max winced.

  I nodded. ‘Yeah. He talks about it every day, and I keep having these dreams that he’s died and…’ I trailed off, biting my lip to catch a sob.

  ‘Hey,’ Max said softly, putting his drink on the glass table. He reached across to grab my hand. ‘Don’t worry. They’re just dreams. Death is obviously on his mind at the moment. It’ll pass once the treatment is over and he’s cured, I’m sure.’

  ‘I just hate thinking about life without him in it,’ I said, reaching up to wipe a tear from my eye.

  ‘Michael is going to be in your life for a very long time, Elina,’ he soothed.

  ‘I just can’t wait until this is over, and we have our lives back,’ I said, sniffling. ‘Then maybe we can finally go on our honeymoon.’

  Max smiled. ‘I think a holiday would do you guys some good. No one deserves it more. You’ve been through so much.’

  ‘Yep,’ I agreed. ‘I just hope that once this over, we have nothing but good luck for at least the next couple of years.’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you today?’ I asked Michael one more time as I opened the wardrobe in search of a dress to wear for brunch with the girls. I hadn’t been out much since Michael had started his treatment, but he had finished his course of radiotherapy two weeks ago, and the following day we had a consultation with the doctor to see if it had been successful.

  ‘For the last time, yes, you muppet,’ Michael laughed from the bed. He was still under the covers reading a book. He had his glasses on, and his hair was messy. He looked adorable. ‘Max is coming over at one, and we’re going to watch the Grand Prix.’

  ‘I could always stay at home and make you some pancakes,’ I offered, turning to face him.

  Michael shook his head. ‘Lina, you’ve been amazing over the past few weeks, but I need to get back to normal. I need to make my own breakfast instead of relying on you now. I’m getting my energy back; I’m fine.’

  I pursed my lips. ‘Okay,’ I said with a sigh. ‘But I won’t be long, okay? I have some writing to do anyway.’

  Michael nodded. ‘Take as much time as you need. You need a break from looking after me now. Treat yourself to a new pair of shoes or a new outfit or something.’

  I smiled. ‘I love you, Michael.’

  He smiled back. ‘I love you, too. Now put on that white dress with the pink flowers on and get out of here.’

  ‘Oh my god! Adults!’ Kit squealed as she sat down with Roanna and me at our usual table. ‘Real, live, human adults that don’t poo themselves.’ It was Kit’s first brunch outing since she’d given birth to Ross and Hugo in early December.

  I laughed. ‘I don’t know. Roanna is into some pretty weird sex stuff.’

  Roanna nudged me. ‘Oi. I may have done some stuff that others may deem unsanitary, but that’s not a line I want to cross. Parenting going well, then?’ she asked Kit.

  Kit ran her hands through her hair. ‘I love them, I do. I love them with all my heart but, my god, sometimes I think they were sent up from Hell by Satan himself!’

  ‘Aww, but they’re so cute!’ I cooed. I’d been looking at the pictures she’d posted on Facebook earlier that morning.

  Kit nodded. ‘Yes. They are. They’re my children, and I wouldn’t be without them, but when they wake up at four in the morning for the sixth time that night, they’re not so cute.’

  ‘It must be so worth it, though,’ I said with a smile, looking forward to the day Michael and I would have our own children.

  ‘It is. Despite everything, it really is,’ Kit said warmly. ‘Anyway, how are things with you guys?’

  I let Roanna speak first. ‘Well, couple’s therapy hasn’t really worked out for Eric and me,’ she said with a deflated sigh. She and her husband had been seeing a therapist ever since his infidelity earlier this year. She was heartbroken but had been determined to make their marriage work. She loved him so much, and I hated seeing her so hurt.

  ‘How so?’ I asked.

  She huffed. ‘Well, during the sessions he said all the right things that made me think it could work. But a few weeks ago I found some messages on his laptop that suggest he isn’t done with the secretary he was shagging. According to the messages it has been going on since before the wedding!’

  Kit and I gasped in unison.

  ‘Oh, sweetheart,’ Kit whispered. ‘You don’t deserve that.’

  Roanna shook her head, and her eyes started to water. ‘Am I unlovable? Is that it?’

  ‘No, no,’ I replied instantly. ‘You are brilliant. It’s him that’s unlovable.’

  ‘Then why do I still love him so much?’ she said. I could tell she was trying not to cry. Her voice was low and strained.

  ‘Because he was the first man you fell in love with,’ I said softly. ‘What are you going to do?’

  Roanna took a deep breath. ‘I should have told you sooner, but you’ve both been so busy. I’ve already filed for divorce.’

  ‘You know, it’s probably for the best,’ Kit said gently. ‘You don’t want to waste your time waiting for a leopard to change its spots.’

  ‘It’s the right thing to do,’ I agreed.

  ‘Then why does it feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart right now?’ she whimpered.

  ‘It won’t always,’ I promised.

  ‘Ugh. You two got so lucky. You met your husbands at school and lived happily ever after,’ she groaned.

  ‘We did, Roanna. But we’re not exactly free from heartbreak. It happens to us all in different ways,’ I said, feeling a little peeved that she was calling me lucky. What I’d been through lately was hardly a happily ever after. Yes, I was incredibly lucky to have Michael, but I’d also miscarried our child and nursed my husband through cancer in the past eighteen months.

  ‘Oh, god. Lina, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that; I’m just upset. How is Michael doing?’ she asked genuinely.

  ‘I know you didn’t,’ I told her quietly and moved swiftly on. ‘He’s doing much better actually. His treatment is over, and tomorrow we’ll find out if the cancer is gone.’

  Kit beamed. ‘Oh, wow. That’s so exciting!’

  ‘It really is, Lina. I’m happy for you both. You deserve a break,’ added Roanna.

  ‘Yeah, we do. I can’t wait to finally plan our honeymoon and then maybe have our own little baby,’ I said excitedly. I’d never longed for the future more.

  ‘That’s amazing!’ Kit squealed. ‘Are you able to try for a

  baby so soon after the treatment?’

  ‘Well, the doctor said that we should wait for up to a year to try naturally. But we did bank some of Michael’s sperm if we want to try any sooner!’

  ‘Maybe we should toast,’ Roanna said, lifting her latte. ‘I might be getting a divorce from the only man I’ve ever loved, but we do have something to celebrate. Kit has two beautiful children, Michael’s treatment is over, and I… well I’m in a personal hell, but I’m so happy for you two. I really am.’

  I raised my coffee. ‘Thanks, Roanna. And Kit and I are always here to help you out of your hell. Remember that.’

  *

  Michael and I sat in the doctor’s office in silence.

  It smelled clinical and s
lightly of the cigar smoke that clung to the doctor’s jacket that hung over the back of his chair. I always found it odd when doctors smoked. Posters of black lungs lined the walls of the surgery; you’d think that would put them off just a bit.

  I tapped my foot up and down, up and down, as I looked around the room. The zip on my ankle boot made a jingling sound as it bounced.

  The doctor had left the room to retrieve Michael’s results, leaving us in a state of apprehension and excitement.

  Michael reached across and gave my leg a gentle squee-

  -ze.

  Michael reached across and gave my leg a gentle squeeze.

  I stopped my tapping and turned to face him.

  He was smiling.

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  His smile grew. ‘Don’t be so nervous, Lina. I have a good feeling about this.’

  My tummy flipped. ‘Don’t jinx it!’

  To that, he laughed. ‘I don’t believe in jinxes, you muppet.’

  I opened my mouth to retort, but the door opened, and the doctor walked in with a brown file tucked under his arm.

  He was an old-ish man. Perhaps in his early sixties with a portly middle and a bald head. He wore glasses with seventies-style brown frames.

  He sat down behind his desk and smiled.

  ‘Well, Mr and Mrs Mills, it’s good news,’ he said with a grin as he opened the file before him.

  My heart lifted in my chest, and Michael squeezed my leg tighter.

  ‘The treatment has worked, and the cancer is gone,’ he beamed.

  I breathed a sigh of relief, and the tension in my shoulders sapped. Tears of joy swam in my eyes. ‘Wow.’

  Michael laughed. ‘That’s amazing!’

  ‘Now, although the cancer does seem to be completely cured, there is always a chance it may return,’ he warned. ‘So we will need to complete regular tests over the next two or three years to keep an eye on things. After the third year, there is only a five percent chance that it will return.’

  Michael and I both nodded. ‘Okay,’ Michael said. ‘How likely is it that it will return in the next couple of years?’

  ‘The likelihood of recurrence is related to how far the cancer had progressed,’ the doctor began. ‘It can range from a thirteen percent chance to a fifty percent chance. But try not to worry too much about that; just keep an eye on things and come in for your tests. There are support groups available should you need them, but you should know that if it is to return, it should still be curable,’ he assured us.