Embrace Your Weird

by Felicia Day

  We’ve overlooked our most formidable enemy: ourselves.

  I recently met a young fan at an event who wanted a picture with me. She wore large, oversized glasses that obscured most of her face. I encouraged her to take them off for a photo. “Oh no. I’m disgusting. I have to leave them on.” Wait, what? When I pressed her, she got agitated and said even WORSE things about herself. So harsh and wrong. After she left, I was heartbroken. I was at a loss about what I could have said to her to reassure her, “Please don’t talk to yourself that way. You are beautiful.” But then I remembered—I’ve talked to myself about my looks, my weight, and my skills in the same hateful way all my life.

  I envy anyone who walks around loving themselves all the time. Sounds fun. And impossible. We all think horrible thoughts about ourselves on occasion. If not every time we look in the mirror. Or think about our goals while we lie there for hours trying to sleep. I’m not good enough. No one likes me. I’ll never be a writer/artist/musician/creator. My belly button stinks of Camembert. We must flush this voice out in the open and deal with it. Now.

  * * *

  Draw yourself as a young child, two to five years old. If you can scan a real photo and paste it in, all the better. Make it as real as can be. And as cute as you can find.

  Now go back and write all the negative things you say to yourself in bubbles around your child-self. As many as you can fit around that adorable little picture.

  Take that page in. Do you feel bad about it? Of course! It’s child abuse! But this is what we allow to happen every time we talk to ourselves in an abusive and negative way!

  * * *

  Every age we’ve ever lived still exists inside us. And we are most encouraged to feel joy, love, and revel in our creativity when we are children. So when we allow abusive voices in our heads, we are hurting the most vulnerable versions of ourselves. That’s why they are able to wound us so badly. Why don’t we fight back?!

  We all have faults. We are VERY well aware. We don’t need to remind ourselves of them constantly. The last thing we need is to allow an enemy to roam free inside us. That’s Trojan Horse 101 stuff. Don’t fall for it. Instead, take that voice of self-hatred. Those phrases that hurt our most vulnerable selves. And BANISH IT ALL.

  * * *

  Personify every evil thought with a “someone” and crowd them inside the cage below. For every hateful phrase you commonly think about yourself, draw a little monster, or cut out someone’s face from a magazine and paste it in, or use stickers, etc.

  Now visualize hiding that cage in a far corner of your brain where you can’t hear those awful phrases. These thoughts are now voiceless. Isolated. Defeated.

  They can’t hurt you anymore.

  * * *

  NOW we can stride into our creativity-filled futures! Or rather, the next section. Finally!

  Seriously. Just go.

  5 ALLIES

  In tough times, we need people around us to give us boosts. Like a good bra, they won’t leave us hanging.

  There’s a theory in astronomy called the Drake equation that tries to figure out the exact odds we’re not alone in the universe. I’m not going to type it out and scare anyone, but basically it takes the number of stars born per year (Grats! It’s a brown dwarf!) and multiplies that by a fraction of increasingly improbable odds of the number of habitable planets, planets that have life, intelligent life, life that can COMMUNICATE, and finally the length of time that it takes for a society to survive and develop the means to communicate with other planets. Whew. The number gets small, guys. Like, decimal and lots of zeroes small. BUT… it’s always nonzero!

  The equation can’t guarantee that we’ll ever encounter alien life. And the results can vary depending on the numbers you put in, none of which are one hundred percent accurate. Yay, science? But as for ourselves and our own creativity? Felicia’s Equation DEFINITELY says we are NOT alone! One hundred percent verified! By me! While I’m typing this!

  There are untold numbers of people in the world who are ready to encourage, inspire, and cheer us on. We’ve sent enough restraining orders out in the enemies section; let’s counterbalance that with some nice thank-you cards now!

  First an admission: this is a challenging section for me. I have an awkward history with other humans. (This is not a revelation to anyone.) My Twitter bio has read “misanthrope” since 2008. And it all stems from my childhood. My parents homeschooled me and my brother. Which was great, because I slept in every day. The SAT was the first official test I ever took when I decided to apply for college. At fifteen. Until then, I’d only interacted with other children during extracurricular classes. Supervised and structured. No sleepovers. No lunchtime “hangs.” No opportunity to be bullied for my weirdnesses, which was good, but also no opportunity to enjoy the concept of basic, human camaraderie. Which was, er… bad. I sometimes forget how different my upbringing was from other people’s. That is, until a friend invites me out for drinks and I’m like, “What will we be DOING together?” “Uh… enjoying each other’s company?” “Can I bring a deck of cards so at least we can have the option to play poker?”

  I know that growing up separated from other people is the reason I don’t reach out for help when I need it. In my mind, I have to do everything myself. That’s what being raised in isolation does for you, shocker! It takes effort to remind myself that not all people will make fun of me if I expose my ignorance about boy bands, like some chick named Heather did back in community orchestra. “You don’t know who Justin Timberlake is? I mean Joey Fatone is the hot one, but still, what a WEIRDO!” This is probably why, if anyone asks, “Have you seen X?” I always say, “Yes!” even if I haven’t. (Confession: I’ve never seen Battlestar Galactica. I HAVE watched compilation trailers just so I could nod smartly if it’s brought up in conversation. I’ve lived a lie. I’m sorry. End story. Except continue reading.) I have to wage a constant battle with my inner Eeyore, to look outside myself for support, but when I do, it’s always worth it. Because I simply wouldn’t be here, in any way, shape, or form as a creator, if it weren’t for other people encouraging and inspiring me along the way.

  It’s important to identify other humans who can give us creative boosts. We all need a quick set of favorites in our mental contact list for when our Hero-Self requires guidance and encouragement, or just needs to bitch a little bit about traffic. That’s fine too.

  Role Models

  Starting on a broad scale, it’s helpful to figure out exactly who our role models in life are and why. Sure, we all have public figures whom we adore. Like, I’m obsessed with Mindy Kaling. (Now that she has a baby, I’m not sure why we’re not best friends. I mean we’re in the same city and EVERYTHING.) I’m always a bit too focused on what Elon Musk is doing. And Shonda Rhimes. And I see myself in the fictional character of Anne of Green Gables in a completely irrational way. Yes, I’m drawn to these people (or imaginary characters), but WHY? Going beyond hair color or rocket ships, what is something deeper about what they’ve accomplished that I’m drawn to? (And yes, it’s okay to admire someone just for their hair. Not that I would be so superficial. *cough* Amy Adams *cough*)

  Figuring out WHY we’re inspired by particular people we’ll probably never meet can help us learn more about who we are ourselves and what direction we want to go with our creativity. Pinning down that I’m drawn to Elon Musk for how he revolutionizes things, Shonda Rhimes for how she gives a voice to the underrepresented, and Anne of Green Gables for how she’s a quirky, poetry-loving outcast all add up to, “Those are qualities I want to channel on my own journey too! Also, how do I get Amy Adams’s hair? The world wants me to have her hair!”

  We need people who embody our dreams, shining like pretty little stars in our sky, just to show us that the crazy things we dream about making or doing are actually POSSIBLE. If we’ve never been exposed to someone like Matt Mercer, who actually makes a living at playing Dungeons & Dragons, then how would we ever get the idea to start playing our
selves? Those imaginary goblins don’t get killed by halberds in a vacuum!

  It’s helpful to do role model role-reversal as well. Have a passion? Pick an achiever! By taking our creative goals and setting out to find people to learn from and emulate, we’re able to create a loose outline for how we can accomplish our creative dreams ourselves. We can never duplicate another’s path, because of that “each one of us is weirdly unique” thing, but it’s nice to have a road map to draw inspiration from and help further define our dreams.

  When I was a kid, I had a vague sense that I wanted to be an actor. People thought I was cute and I liked dancing, check! Then I moved to Hollywood to be a REAL actor. Professionally. Er… kind of. It took a long time to get my career off the ground. I mostly auditioned for a lot of weepy victim parts. Because that’s what was presented to me and I passively accepted it. Had I pinned down exactly whose careers I actually coveted and admired before I dove in… well, I would have collected the biographies of a lot of dead ladies from old-timey movies (I spent a summer talking in that weird Katharine Hepburn New England accent when I was twelve because that’s how I thought movie stars had to talk. It’s not.) BUT I also would have picked out a lot of sitcom actors who were funny and not weepy or victim-y at all (except when they wanted to win an Emmy or something). Then I stumbled into a comedy improv class by accident and discovered making people laugh is the BOMB. I was finally able to pin down people like Lisa Kudrow and Megan Mullally as, “HER! I want to do roles like hers! Show me THOSE parts!” Having them as inspiration helped me steer my training and career in a more fulfilling direction. Into hour-long sci-fi television mostly, which is definitey NOT the same as sitcom acting, ahem, but I’m usually the character who cuts the heavy stuff with a quip, so practically the same.

  * * *

  Construct your own personal Mount Rushmore of people you idolize, living or dead. Who is on it? Use photos or paintings to draw them with as much detail as you can.

  * * *

  What person—fictional or real, dead or alive—who inspires you would you love to have lunch with tomorrow?

  Make a list of questions you’d want to ask during the meal that could help you with your own creative pursuits. Remember these questions so you’ll always have them ready in real-life situations when you stumble upon someone inspirational!

  * * *

  Write one of your bigger creative goals in the space below.

  Now do some research and find a brand-new role model in that field.

  How does finding a source of new inspiration excite you about your own creativity?

  * * *

  However we get there, having a set of people we admire, even if we never meet them in person, helps draw us forward, like a magnet. If we ever start to flag on our journeys, we can hold their examples up for a big, juicy boost. “Someone else succeeded! I’m not wasting my time! Mmm, tastes like chicken!” And even more than the hope of similar success, being aware of the challenges they faced can help us as creators even more.

  We don’t see a film crew of six hundred while watching a big action movie; we just watch robots fighting and think that Steven Spielberg’s job seems awesome. If we watch Hamilton, we consume it in under three hours. In the moment, it’s hard to appreciate that it took Lin-Manuel Miranda six years to write it. SIX YEARS! If only every piece of art told us the amount of time and effort it took to make, perhaps we’d be a wee bit easier on ourselves when we don’t achieve success overnight.

  * * *

  Write a fan letter to a role model who inspires you. Actually send it.

  Your admiration is out there in the world now! Whether you get a response or not, you have connected with someone you admire. Let that be a link that keeps motivating you through tough times!

  * * *

  Mentors

  However inspiring Lady Gaga may be as a role model, we’ll need a bit of hands-on help to keep us on our creative path. (Unless she’s showing up to give you vocal lessons in person. In which case, who are you and can you be MY role model?) That’s when we need to turn to mentors. Who are kind of like role models, but we can email them the gushiest emails known to man with a lower risk of receiving a restraining order.

  When we’re kids, we get auto-assigned people to help us learn how the world works. Parents. Teachers. Evil big brothers who throw cheese in our faces. Evolution decided that humans don’t get to be like baby snakes, who hatch from their eggs with no guidance at all. Kicked to the curb from birth. Kinda sad. An orphaned baby snake doesn’t have any heartstrings-tugging stories to tell. Because it’s a snake. ANYWAY, after we’re out of school and our parents’ houses (or still in them—no shame in saving on rent!), we’re kind of expected to… guide ourselves? Which sucks, because that’s when our hormones are finally in order and we’re ready to take advice! Is twenty-fifth grade a thing? I want to enroll, please!

  We can’t change the fundamentals of human development, but we can seek out people to help guide us through its dark forest. Our inner creator is a constantly growing beast, starving for wisdom. Don’t let it go hungry or it’ll eat us up from the inside! Er, that’s an unnerving visual. Correction: Imagine our inner creator as a cute chibi, who gives us hugs when we feed it ideas. Better? Whew.

  Most of the time when I feel stuck creatively, I enroll in a class. Any class. Because I know, whoever the teacher is, I will one hundred percent take SOMETHING away from it. I’ve taken Improv Comedy 101 classes about fifteen times. And always learned new things. (The last time, with a bunch of twenty-year-olds in it, I learned that I was old.)

  When it comes to creativity, the wonderful thing is that everyone does their craft differently. Every creator/teacher’s knowledge will be unique and affect us in different ways. I had a teacher in college named Dr. Guy who taught differential equations, and the biggest thing I took from him is that, even if you’re over seventy, it’s still possible to take the stairs two at a time instead of using the elevator. I used to sit in his office for hours asking more questions about how to stay fit than about my homework. I still got an A, of course.

  * * *

  Name an area in which you’d like to grow creatively.

  Do some research and find three classes or organizations to help you learn about it. Local. Available. Doable.

  If not now, when?

  * * *

  Outside of class situations, seeking out meetups, joining alumni associations, applying for apprenticeships (not the Middle Ages kind, where you get sent away as a kid to be an indentured servant, that’s probably against child labor laws now)—there are a myriad of avenues available out there to put ourselves in positions where we can work alongside people in creative fields. And the more hands-on we’re able to involve ourselves, the better! On-the-job training is the best experience we can get. (That annoying teenaged “I’ll-make-mistakes-myself!” attitude is pretty smart. Don’t tell them I said that.) Whether painting, crafting, or experimental robot welding, when our bodies are involved in the creative process rather than the theory of it, we learn the most. Just try learning Spanish from a book and then attempt to speak it to someone in real life. Do you suddenly feel like an idiot who can’t remember the word enchilada? Join the club! DOING it is the only way to truly learn. That’s why whenever anyone asks me how to get started in show business, I reply, “Don’t move to LA. Get experience locally. Get on film sets as an intern, PA, whatever. Watch other people work. Get experience, THEN look outside for more guidance. But seriously, don’t move to LA right now. Traffic is already bad enough here as it is.”

  * * *

  Name mentors in your life who have had a firsthand impact on your creativity. How/where did you meet them? What did they provide that gets you through tough times?

  Who is in your life who actively does that NOW? If no one, what is one step you can take to try and find that person?

  * * *

  No matter what our creative pursuits are, people around us can always give SOME kind of ad
vice. The wonderful thing about learning is that it’s universal. So go ahead and question everyone around you! Uncle Albert runs a shoe store? Sure, he doesn’t know anything about ballet. But he knows about feet. That alone could be worth a trip to Starbucks to treat him to a straight coffee—black, six Splendas—and pick his brain. He might talk a wee bit too much about bunions, but it’s worth the trade-off. (Maybe. No guarantee.) Bottom line, there is literally no one in existence who has NOTHING to offer us. And if we’re considerate of people’s time, very few will say, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time to answer questions on a topic I, myself, have devoted my life to.” Normal humans can’t WAIT to talk about something we love. (And ourselves as we relate to it. Salty, but true!)

  * * *

  List ten people in your life who are close enough to you that you could take them to lunch and pick their brains. Think about each one’s expertise and, beside their name, write an aspect of their knowledge that could apply to your creative dreams.

  Every single person has something to offer your journey, whatever their background. When in doubt, ask the simple question:

  “What do you think I should know about [their knowledge/experience] that I don’t already?”