Gaslighting

by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis

  “When I was a teenager, my mom would tell me that I was ‘getting pudgy.’ Then she’d make brownies or cake, and leave it out on the kitchen counter.”

  —Jalisa, 34

  They Compete with You

  Gaslighting parents, especially of the same gender, will compete with you, often in really unseemly ways. You get a new outfit with your work money when you are a teenager, so your mom has to get a similar outfit. This copying behavior continues into your adulthood. It goes beyond getting something similar so they can share in your experience. For the gaslighter, it is about not wanting you to have better things than they do. You get a new car, so your gaslighting parent has to get one, too. They can’t stand being what they see as “outdone.”

  Healthy parents are happy that their children are achieving—it is in part, a reflection of good parenting and their children’s own hard work. Gaslighters have trouble accepting that success not necessarily genetic, but something their children have earned.

  “I started dating an attorney, and my mother started dating an attorney a month later. I got a specific type of car—my mother got the same car right afterward. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in this case, it was just creepy.”

  —Sascha, 30

  They Try to Live Through You

  Not only will gaslighting parents try to compete with you, they will also try to live through you. You may have been pushed to date before you were ready. You may have wanted to join chess club, but a gaslighting parent wanted you to play football instead, since he didn’t make the team when he was in high school. While it is normal for parents to want for their children what they didn’t have, for gaslighters it’s a pathological need to live through their children.

  The gaslighter is also the parent who can be found yelling at his child or the referee during his baseball games and other sports. This has nothing to do with supporting you or sticking up for you. It has to do with the gaslighter’s needing his child to win, at all costs. If you buy into it, this can mean that you become an adult who is constantly trying to please that parent, even if it involves breaking laws to do it.

  A gaslighter’s child will never, ever live up to the gaslighter’s expectations. They are impossible to reach. By design.

  They Have Inappropriate Boundaries with Your Partner or Friends

  This one often gets my clients particularly up in arms. When you would bring home your boyfriends or girlfriends, would your parent flirt with them and/or tell embarrassing stories about you? Classic gaslighting behavior. Or maybe your gaslighting parent dressed provocatively when you brought friends over. Did your parent try to buddy up to your friends and be “one of the gang”? Gaslighters can’t stand not having as much attention as their children. They see them as competition for others’ affection. They would love nothing more than to have your partner or friends fawn all over them. This is part of their narcissistic and insatiable need for attention.

  “My mom would always make some inappropriate comment to my boyfriends, right in front of me. It was mortifying. I started making excuses to my boyfriends about why they couldn’t go inside my house.”

  —Shelley, 43

  Golden Children and Scapegoats

  In many families where one or both of the parents are gaslighters, one child is the “golden child” and the other is the “scapegoat.” The golden child gets away with murder, while the scapegoat child gets punished for the smallest infraction. These patterns can last until through adulthood, causing strife between you and your sibling. A pathological competition between siblings can result. Be aware that each person’s role might change or switch without warning: one week you are the “good kid,” then, inexplicably, the next week you are the “bad kid.” Sometimes it doesn’t matter which is which to the gaslighter. This is due to the fact that gaslighters idealize and then devalue people, as you read in Chapter 1. They lack a fundamental understanding of the nature of human beings: that all people can have various aspects to their personality. Gaslighters see a child as either all good or all bad—nothing in between—according to what they want from the child in the moment.

  “My brother always got brand-new toys for Christmas. I always got hand-me-downs. My parents paid for all of my brother’s school. They told me I was on my own.”

  —Maurice, 70

  Part of stopping this cycle is identifying it, and realizing that there is no logic to your gaslighting parent’s behavior. You and your sibling were unwittingly tossed into a maelstrom of emotional abuse. If your sibling is not a gaslighter (we’ll talk more about gaslighting siblings here), it might be time to have a talk and bring out into the open the pathological behavior your parent had toward you. The chances are that your sibling felt just as slighted as you. Just saying that your parent was difficult to live with can help start a conversation.

  They Frequently Threaten to Cut You Off

  One of gaslighters’ tricks for when they feel you distancing yourself from them is to threaten to never speak to you again, throw out your belongings, or disown you (cut you out of the will).

  “Every other week my mother would threaten to cut me out of her will. Once she even made me give her the house key back, saying she never wanted to see me again. That lasted until she realized I was the only person helping her out. She had alienated everyone else.”

  —Donna, 68

  These are most likely false promises. Go ahead and see whether they can do it. Let them threaten not to talk to you. It might be one of the most peaceful times in your life. Eventually the gaslighters will contact you—usually when they need something. It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that you are an object to be used by the gaslighters to fulfill their own needs. But at the same time, it should be a relief to finally know clearly what you are dealing with.

  In regard to disowning you—you may find that the gaslighter really doesn’t have much to leave you anyway. Gaslighters are notorious for being poor financial managers. They spend so much money on trying to make themselves look good that they don’t save up for the future. If a gaslighting parent dies, even if you are on good terms, you will often discover that you weren’t left anything anyway.

  “My whole life my dad threatened to disown me because I was such a ‘bad son.’ So, I worked my whole life on trying to make him happy. It turns out he didn’t leave me anything in the will anyway.”

  —Dante, 45

  Have You Gotten Fleas?

  You may have noticed as you’ve been reading this book that you are perpetuating parental behaviors that you told yourself you never would. But realize that it is normal for children of gaslighters to pick up some of what they witnessed or were subjected to as children. After all, from whom do we primarily learn how to act? That’s right, our parents.

  The gaslighting behaviors you learned from your parents are called “fleas” because, as the saying goes, “If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.” Please don’t beat up on yourself. Just because you picked up some coping techniques and manipulative techniques as a way to survive in your environment doesn’t mean you are a gaslighter yourself. But it is true that these behaviors are now maladaptive, as you no longer need them as an adult. As a kid, you may be trapped and vulnerable to having all boundaries crossed; as an adult you have license to set your own boundaries.

  Here’s the thing. If you think you are a gaslighter, chances are you probably aren’t one. It’s the people who don’t think they are gaslighters who truly have a problem. According to Brooke Donatone, PhD, in her article “The Coraline Effect” (2016), children of people with personality disorders may be misdiagnosed with personality disorders themselves. This is due to the fact that they may exhibit personality disorder behaviors due to not learning adequate coping skills. As you read earlier in the book, gaslighting behaviors are very common in people with Cluster B personality disorders—narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial, and borderline. If you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and y
our parent had the same disorder or a similar one, please consider getting reevaluated. If you think you are a gaslighter, see Chapter 11 on how gaslighters can get help for themselves.

  Signs that you picked up fleas from a gaslighter:

  You lie about things that you really have no need to lie about.

  Life feels odd or uncomfortable when there is no drama going on.

  You will manufacture drama in your relationship for it to feel normal.

  Instead of stating your needs to others, you expect them to read your mind.

  You find it easier to manipulate people into doing what you need instead of directly asking them.

  You are attracted to people who are emotionally distant.

  You find yourself using some of the same parenting “techniques” as your gaslighting parent: punishing your child for not knowing or meeting your needs, communicating primarily through yelling, stonewalling; or obviously favoring one child.

  It is important that you seek counseling if you are the child of a gaslighter. You may find that children of gaslighters have similar behaviors to adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), and resources for ACOAs may be helpful to you. This is especially the case if you had a gaslighting parent with an addiction, as many do. For more information on counseling, see Chapter 12.

  Your Gaslighting Parents and Your Children

  If your parents are gaslighters, you need to take precautions with your own children. Please don’t leave your children alone with gaslighting grandparents. It’s not safe. I’ve heard of gaslighting grandparents giving chocolate to diabetic grandkids. I’ve seen gaslighters tell their grandchildren that their parents are mean for not letting them have sweets. They’ll take your kid to the park when you asked them not to. They’ll buy presents for your child when you said your child had misbehaved and wasn’t to go to the store. When you confront your gaslighting parents about these things, they’ll say something like “You just don’t let her have fun like the other kids.” Often, and quite intentionally, within earshot of your child.

  “I come home from work and my kids are watching a scary movie while my father-in-law is watching them. He knows my youngest gets terrified. It’s almost like telling him no makes him make sure he does it.”

  —Nia, 38

  If left alone with your children, gaslighting grandparents may:

  Undermine your rules

  Not follow your child’s dietary restrictions, such as in the case of food allergies

  Not give your child medication

  Tell your child that you are not a good parent

  Gaslighters love attention and drama, and nothing comes close to the attention and drama of going to the emergency room with your child. Gaslighters may feign forgetfulness or confusion when confronted, but this is a cover for the sinister intent of their behavior. Make no mistake, gaslighters are hurting your child intentionally. For the attention and power.

  “My mother-in-law knows my daughter was allergic to strawberries. She calls me from the emergency room, saying she gave her strawberry ice cream. She does not have dementia—she just loves the attention. We never leave the kids unsupervised with her now.”

  —Jackie, 35

  Caregiving for Your Gaslighting Parent

  You may be in the position of caregiving for an ailing or dying parent. As you may have guessed, illness or even dying doesn’t make gaslighting parents any better. In fact, they just seem to get worse. It is really something to see a person at death’s door still managing to utter a snide comment.

  Gaslighting parents may refuse to take their medication as prescribed, or won’t take it at all. They also may not follow their doctor’s instructions. They may tell you they know to take care of themselves better than the doctor does. And gaslighters actually believe this. It can be maddening trying to take care of people who appear to have such little regard for their own health.

  “My mother is really sick, yet she insists on taking her medication her ‘own way,’ and doesn’t follow through with the doctor’s instructions. Then when I try to help her, she screams at me and tells me I’m worthless.”

  —Pam, 45

  You have a choice in caregiving for a parent. You don’t have to be a caregiver. You are choosing to be a caregiver. You may be thinking, “But there’s no one else to take care of her, I’m it. She’s alienated everyone.” It is still your choice to be a caregiver. When you realize it’s your choice instead of mandatory, caregiving can be a little more tolerable.

  It is still not acceptable for a parent to verbally or emotionally abuse you, no matter how sick he is. I don’t care whether you are the last person on earth available for your parent—that type of treatment is never okay. If you are being abused, it’s time to reach out and find someone to at least take over some of the caregiving. If you feel you can’t afford it, see the Resources section at the end of this book for more information on taking a break from caregiving.

  “My mother has some mild disabilities, but she does things to sabotage her health. She then expects me to run over to her house, and gets furious when I can’t do that right away.”

  —Seth, 40

  When Your Parent Dies

  Many people feel relieved when a gaslighting parent dies. And that can be confusing or induce some feelings of guilt. But it is really perfectly normal. It is also normal to experience something called “complicated” grief. This is grief that is compounded by feelings of anger and unfinished business with a parent. I recommend that you seek counseling to talk about these complicated feelings. If someone tells you that you aren’t grieving the “right way,” know that there is no right way to grieve. Grief may be universal, but how we feel it is unique to each person. If your gaslighting parent was very good at hiding her manipulative behavior, people might tell you they don’t get how “fine” you are with her death. Keep in mind that they did not live with her, so they don’t know the real story.

  How do you respond to comments about what a wonderful person your parent was, and that you are not grieving properly? The best reaction is none at all. Don’t say anything. Would it help to tell them about how horrible your parent really was? No, they will tell you how that can’t possibly be true. You don’t need yet another person denying your reality.

  “I felt such a weight off my shoulders when my dad died. Then I felt incredibly guilty about that. It wasn’t until a friend said to me, ‘You are free now, and you deserve that,’ that I felt less guilty.”

  —Elisa, 48

  In the Reno Gazette-Journal (2013), I came across this obituary for a mother who had died:

  She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

  On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

  Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgiveable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a “humane society.” Our greatest wish now is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America.

  “It wasn’t until my mother died that I truly felt at peace. The first Christmas without her was really wonderful.”

  —Anna, 45

  GASLIGHTING SIBLINGS

  What can be just as damagi
ng as a gaslighting parent? Your gaslighting siblings. As you’ve learned in this chapter, you and your siblings can pick up characteristics of gaslighters from your parents’ behavior (getting “fleas”). However, sometimes siblings are complete gaslighters unto themselves. They don’t just have a few gaslighting behaviors—they are the embodiment of gaslighting. First, we’ll talk about gaslighting’s effects on siblings, then we’ll talk about siblings who are gaslighters.

  Fierce Competition

  As mentioned earlier, your gaslighting parent may have set up a “scapegoat” and “golden child” scenario with you and your sibling or siblings. You may have been in a years-long battle with a sibling over who is “better.” You may be constantly trying to outdo each other. You buy a special gift for your mother for her birthday, and the next week your sibling has bought something more expensive. Gaslighters are never appreciative of gifts anyway, but that’s beside the point. You and your sibling are still vying for the approval and attention of your gaslighting parent. Your parent has set things up this way since your childhood, pitting you and your siblings against each other. There are few things gaslighters love more than people battling to impress them.

  “My older sister started conning me early. She would ask me to do bad things and told me she would pay me if I did. She never paid me, and I always got in trouble for doing what she asked me to do. She would lie to my parents and say she had nothing to do with it, while I got punished.”