Gaslighting

by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis

  —Brianna, 24

  Be aware that this competition is a false one—everyone has their own strengths and faults. By constantly competing with your sibling, you probably haven’t gotten to know each other as people. You will never fully win your parent’s approval—so, why not get to know your sibling on a different level? As you read earlier in the chapter, you and your sibling may have picked up gaslighting behaviors as a survival mechanism while within your parents’ household, but aren’t true gaslighters. You may discover from really getting to know your sibling that the two of you just were in a no-win situation as children, and you may actually really like each other. It’s never too late to make a fresh start.

  Your Brother’s Keeper

  When you were a child, you may have tried (many times in vain) to protect a brother or sister from the wrath of a gaslighting parent. Many children of gaslighters, now adults, feel incredibly guilty that they couldn’t do more to help their sibling. However, gaslighting parents can be so powerful with their manipulation that many times there was really nothing more you could have done to prevent your sibling from being targeted. Keep in mind it was not your responsibility as a child to protect the other children in your home. That was your parents’ responsibility, and they failed.

  If your sibling is a gaslighter, it can be maddening when you look back at the times when you protected him from essentially turning out like a gaslighting parent. You may feel that there is an utter lack of appreciation from your sibling toward your “rescue” efforts when you were children. Here you worked so hard at protecting him, and he is making a concerted effort to make your life more difficult. Unfortunately, this is where you realize that you can’t control some things in life—and that includes how your siblings turn out as adults. You may never get the validation that you want from your sibling, and that is okay. You know that you did what you could.

  Keep in mind that if you grew up fearing a gaslighting parent and knowing you could never share your true feelings with that parent, as an adult you still may have that fear. Sometimes when you can’t express your feelings to the person you are upset with, you let it out on your next closest person—your sibling. This may be the case with you and your sibling—is your sibling a gaslighter, or is he taking out his anger with your parent on you instead? It may be helpful for you and your sibling to attend therapy together to sort out your childhood damage—and work on healing your relationship.

  Fake Florence Nightingales

  Gaslighting siblings will often take on the “hero” role and supposedly devote themselves to an ailing or injured parent. Keep in mind that this “rescuing” is largely an act—your sibling wants to look like the good guy. He has no problem taking all the credit even if you are the one actually taking care of your parent.

  If your gaslighting sibling actually has “stepped up” to become a caretaker for your parent, watch him like a hawk. Gaslighters have been known to take advantage of elderly or ill parents. They attempt to turn the parent against the other siblings in the hopes for more money or possessions when your parent dies. Your sibling may also be taking money from your elderly or ailing parent. If you suspect this is happening, or if your parent is suddenly paying more attention to your sibling and calling him out for praise, I recommend that you hire an attorney and/or financial professional to look over the finances and caretaking arrangements of your parent to protect her from being taken advantage of by the gaslighter.

  “I thought when my mother got sick that she would at least act a little better. Nope. She got worse.”

  —Caterina, 31

  If your parent has dementia, it is even more important to have a system of checks and balances set up so your sibling does not turn her against you and your other siblings. If your parent is in a state of confusion, it’s like an irresistible invitation for the gaslighting sibling to move in and strike.

  Siblings and Parent Death

  When your parent dies, watch out for a gaslighting sibling’s trying to take over. He will go against what is written in the will and steal items meant for you. And don’t be surprised to discover that your parent recently changed her will to favor this sibling. Your options are to confront the gaslighter or take him to court. You know from past history that confronting your gaslighting sibling yourself will not get you anywhere. Legal representation may help you. See the Resources section for pro bono legal resources in your community. This situation is particularly tricky if your gaslighting sibling, the “golden child,” was named executor of your parent’s will.

  GASLIGHTING CHILDREN

  Sometimes children start manifesting gaslighting behavior, even when they didn’t have a parent who was a gaslighter herself. Being the parent of a gaslighter is a heart-wrenching existence—seeing your own flesh and blood cause repeated suffering to others (including yourself). If this is you, you may already have spent sleepless nights wondering, What did I do wrong? Part of the heartbreak of having a gaslighting child is giving up the dream of who you thought your child was going to be. It is also very normal for you to be angry with your child.

  Let me suggest a few things you can do to take care of yourself.

  Forgive Yourself

  First, to make progress, know that this was not your fault. Sometimes people are just born with bad wiring. Forgive yourself for any blame you feel for having your child turn out this way. If you picked up this book, I’m willing to bet you did everything in your power to make sure your child was happy and healthy.

  If you did contribute to your child’s gaslighting by behaving in gaslighting ways, remember that as adults we are completely responsible for our own actions. If your child is now blaming you, he’s trying to absolve himself from all responsibility, and that is not acceptable. Whatever you think you did to any of your children, they are still 100 percent responsible for their behavior.

  If you think that you are at least partly responsible for your child’s gaslighting behavior, consider consulting a mental health professional (MHP) or therapist. The burden of guilt is a heavy one, and it can sway your judgment and even impact your physical health. A therapist can help you sort out your feelings—and many times it’s healing just having someone really listen to you. Let the therapist know the extent of your child’s behavior. Give examples of the behavior you’ve seen. Also give your truth about what you feel is your responsibility regarding that behavior. A therapist can help you sort out what is your responsibility or what you “own” and what is not.

  You can attempt to apologize to your child for any feelings of wrongdoing on your part, but keep in mind that your gaslighting child is probably not going to respond in a way that you would prefer. Talking over an attempt at reconciliation with a mental health professional beforehand is a great way to establish realistic expectations and even do a run-through of what you would say to your child. Role playing with the therapist on how your child might react can be very helpful before taking the step of attempting reconciliation. If you are considering therapy for you and your child together, ask your therapist who he recommends. It is important for you to have your own therapist. Another alternative is asking the therapist about having your child come in for one of your sessions. For more on counseling and therapy, see Chapter 12.

  If you are financially supporting your child, whether by giving him money or letting him live in your house, stop. You are under no obligation to support your adult child, unless your child is disabled and unable to support himself.

  Take a long look at your child’s ability to support himself. The chances are he could if he truly wanted to—but you have given him no incentive to do so.

  When you kick your child out of your house or your wallet, be ready for all sorts of insults to be hurled your way. Your child may tell you that he is only in this situation because of you; that you are being cruel and unreasonable; that you are crazy; or that he will never speak to you again. Remember that you are kicking him out of the house so the manipulation stops and so that you have so
me money to live on in the future.

  Make Your Will as Specific as Possible

  If you have a gaslighting child, and especially if you have other children, appoint a neutral third party, such as an attorney, as the executor of your will. If you have items of value, list specifically which item goes to which child or other family member. Do not leave the dividing of items up to your children. I’ve seen firsthand a situation where a gaslighter stole all of her recently deceased mother’s jewelry against the will’s stipulation that she and her sister divide it equally.

  Consult an attorney about your estate and will. Do not have your children attend this meeting. Disclose to your attorney the issues you have had with your child. It is okay to tell the attorney this—in fact, it helps him create a will that is in your (and your children’s) best interest. He will also know ahead of time what is up when your child comes by unannounced about some “important information.”

  In your living will or on health proxy forms, consider naming a neutral third party. You probably don’t want the gaslighter to be the one to decide whether to discontinue your life support.

  Do not let your child bully you into naming her the executor of your will. She is not wanting this for your good—she is doing it to take advantage of you, take your money and belongings, and shut out her siblings from receiving anything. Gaslighters are slick, and will use all manner of manipulation to get you to name them executor. They may:

  Tell you about the untrustworthiness of your other children

  Tell you that your belongings and money will be given to the state

  Say that they will cut off contact with you if you refuse

  Tell you that you “owe them” this after your treating them poorly

  Tell you that you will no longer see your grandchildren

  Respond that an attorney as an executor will make life much easier for everyone after you pass away. Keep repeating this. Do not waver.

  If Your Child Is Still a Minor

  If your child is still a minor, it is imperative that he be given counseling. Believe in the benevolent dictatorship school of parenting: Your child may have a say, but you have the final decision. If your child needs counseling, he needs counseling. Period. Does it matter that he doesn’t want to go? No. He goes anyway. You also need to go to counseling. Your possible lack of boundaries may have led to the amplification of your child’s gaslighting behavior.

  Aside from counseling, children who are already displaying gaslighting behavior need structure and limits. All children want guidelines for how to behave—the laissez-faire parenting method of letting kids do what they want has been found to not work. So, first take your child to see a mental health professional; next, you need to see a mental health professional as well. Then be willing to impose structure and limits and make these very clear. It may take strength you didn’t know you had, but you do. You can do this. And in the long run, it is nothing but good for everyone involved.

  WHAT TO DO ABOUT GASLIGHTING FAMILY MEMBERS

  You may have conflicting feelings about gaslighters in your family—you want to get away from them as far as possible, yet you feel a sense of guilt for not wanting to be around them. These are very common feelings.

  Decide Whether You Really Want to Attend Family Gatherings

  The ideal solution is to stay as far away from gaslighters as possible. Gaslighters rarely change, and you don’t need to subject yourself to their manipulations. You have the right to have a peaceful life. Your health and well-being come first.

  I learned not to share any personal information or feelings with my mom. I knew it would be held against me in an argument, or just whenever.”

  —Ara, 45

  If going away somewhere during the holidays on your own helps you feel better, then do it. You have permission to do whatever you need to do to be healthy. You don’t get bonus points for subjecting yourself to emotional torment.

  If You Must Go.…

  If you feel compelled to attend a family gathering where a gaslighter will be present, try viewing the experience from the perspective of a sociological researcher. View your family’s interactions as a type of data collection. What patterns do you notice?

  If the gaslighter tries to bait you and get you upset, respond with confusion. Saying “I’m really confused” when the gaslighter asks you a pointed question will frustrate her—and she is likely to move on to the next person. Yes, there is a chance that the gaslighter will up the ante and exacerbate (worsen) her behavior—be prepared for this as well.

  “My mother threatened that if I left Christmas dinner she would never speak to me again. I figured that wasn’t a bad trade-off.”

  —Jerusha, 19

  When you feel yourself starting to respond with anger, take a walk outside or simply get up from the table and find a place to take a break. Remember, the gaslighter doesn’t “make” you feel a certain way—you are in full control of your emotions. If you need to excuse yourself, by all means, do it. The gaslighter will try to guilt you into staying. She may even threaten cutting you off if you leave. You do what is in your best interest—and getting out of a pathological situation is what is best for you.

  Picking Your Own Family

  One of the hard lessons many of my clients have learned is that just being related to someone doesn’t necessarily make them family. One of the perks of being an adult is that you get to choose. You can form your own family from close friends—an “intentional family.” There is no set definition of family—it is whatever you make it. If you are observing holidays without your gaslighting family members, create new traditions.

  Remember, there is life without your gaslighting relatives. Often your best bet, however hard it may feel in the short run, is to get away and stay away. You have no obligation to stick around for abusive gaslighting behavior, and the sooner you can make good boundaries and move on with your life, the better off you will be. If you can’t get away, practice building better boundaries. Get counseling. Consult a lawyer and/or accountant for advice on protecting yourself and your family if a parent falls ill. Form an intentional family. Life doesn’t need to be a series of confusing and excruciating encounters with crazy-makers. It’s time to work on seeing things more clearly and to move on.

  “I try to remember just because I’m biologically related to these people doesn’t mean they’re my family. I decide who is family.”

  —Leo, 28

  SOMETIMES WE CHOOSE our own family, through our friendships. However, friends can turn out to be gaslighters—and can drag you down with them. In the next chapter, you will learn how to identify a gaslighting friend, and what to do to get out of an unhealthy friendship.

  9

  WITH FRENEMIES LIKE THESE

  Gaslighting in Friendships

  PERHAPS IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING BY THIS POINT IN THE BOOK THAT people we consider our friends can gaslight us, too. The word frenemy comes to mind. This colorful word describing friction-filled friendships has become so common that in 2010 it was even added to the Oxford English Dictionary, with this definition: “a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.” Doesn’t this sound like your friendship with a gaslighter? He does things that really, really bother you, but you hang in there. You get nothing good from the friendship—likely because you got used to gaslighters early in your life and this seems normal. You might think, What would I do without this “friend”? Well, for starters, you would have a happier life!

  In this chapter, you’ll learn how to handle gaslighting friends and neighbors—people with whom, through choice or chance, you may have more day-to-day contact than you do with your relatives. We’ll look at the particular dynamics of these relationships and how to protect yourself from their destruction.

  Like all gaslighters, gaslighting friends feed off of human misery. They are emotional vampires—you feel exhausted after spending time with them. They want to know all about the terrible things that have happened to you
—in great detail. Then, they pay little attention when you want to tell them about something good. Gaslighters have no interest in what is going well for anyone else. They see your successes as ways that you are “one-upping” them. You are their competition. This is because gaslighters view the world as having limited resources. They erroneously believe that if you are having success, there is less success available to them. They can’t grasp the concept that being happy for the people around them can also lead to their own greater happiness and success. Tragic for them, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

  Beware the Gossip

  Gaslighters are terrible gossips. They love learning unfortunate tidbits of people’s lives and sharing it with others. It is the fuel they thrive on. It gives gaslighters a feeling of power and control over others. People’s personal information is like currency to them—sharing it gets them attention they crave. The difference between your run-of-the-mill gossiper and a gaslighter is that the gaslighter uses the information about others as a way to gain power and pit people against each other, whereas the gossiper is usually more of a yenta, or busybody. The gossiper is just passing information to others (albeit inappropriately), whereas the gaslighter wields information like a weapon.

  “I had a miscarriage, and my gaslighting friend wanted to know about it in detail—how much I suffered, and how much pain I was in. She would come to my house unannounced. Then, when I had my baby, she was nowhere to be found. She didn’t even call to congratulate me.”