Gaslighting

by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis

  —Sondra, 30

  If you suspect that a friend is a gaslighter, think about how he talks about other people to you. Does he gossip about them and seem to thrive on their misfortunes? This is a sure sign of a gaslighter, and I can guarantee that he is talking about you to them, too. If you think you’re being gaslighted and you don’t relish the idea of being the subject of gossip, be sure to limit the amount of information you disclose to this friend. Don’t give him any ammunition. In addition, if he does start to gossip about someone else, don’t stand there and listen. Your silence is a form of complicity. You’re saying that hurting others is acceptable to you.

  “My neighbor would tell me about another neighbor’s problems with her husband. Right then I knew to never tell her any stuff about me.”

  —Amanda, 25

  It’s human nature to gossip. It makes us feel connected and important. But stop and think about what it would feel like if the target was you. What if you were to discover that something personal you’d told a friend in confidence had been spread around? You’d probably feel betrayed and hurt. Gossip doesn’t sound so enticing anymore, does it?

  A good rule to follow in general, but especially with gaslighters, is to not talk about a person if that individual is not present. There are also ways to stop gaslighters when they are gossiping:

  Say, “I don’t know whether she would want me to know that.”

  Change the subject.

  Walk away.

  One word of caution here: Don’t think you can change gaslighters’ dishing about other people who are out of earshot. Gaslighters will never stop gossiping—they will just move on to another person so they can “spill the beans.”

  Don’t Take the Bait: Splitting and Lying

  You’ll remember from Chapter 1 that gaslighters are great at splitting. They will purposely pit people against each other. They love to see a fight, and get excited by the fact that they made the fight happen. One of the most common ways gaslighters practice splitting is by telling you that a friend said something unflattering or unkind about you. The gaslighter will either try to bait you by saying, “I heard something about you today,” hoping you will ask what that “something” was, or they will directly tell you, “Susie said she doesn’t like how you treat your kids.” Gaslighters are particularly fond of saying someone was criticizing your parenting skills. They know that gets people really riled up.

  “My so-called friend would tell me what other friends said about me. It was some vicious stuff, and understandably it got me so upset. I’m not even sure they said those things. I’m thinking my ‘friend’ was lying.”

  —Lynn, 37

  You may be really tempted to find out what Susie said about you. First, keep in mind that unless you heard something directly from Susie, chances are that the gaslighter made it up. The gaslighter is betting you will go up to Susie and say, “How dare you say I’m not a good parent.” Susie will most likely say in return, “I never said anything like that!”

  If gaslighters tell you someone said something about you, automatically assume it is false. Gaslighters have no problem lying, especially when it means having greater power over others. This is because if gaslighters don’t have anything to gossip about, they will make it up. One of the most dangerous facets of their propensity for gossiping is that they don’t care whether they are spreading lies. Gaslighters know that people are curious about what others are doing, so they will immediately make up gossip as a way to distract from their own bad behavior. This is a technique they will use especially when you were about to call them out on their behavior.

  When gaslighters hint that someone said something about you, they are “baiting” you. They are betting you’ll go for that bait like a hungry fish. If you take the bait, this gives gaslighters a tremendous feeling of power. So, how do you refuse to take the bait? By saying “oh” or “okay.” When your gaslighter says something like, “I heard something about you from Sally,” just saying “oh,” with a flat affect will usually stop the gaslighter in his tracks. If he tries to bait you again, use the “broken record” technique—repeat “oh” or “okay” until he stops. And really, who cares whether someone said something about you? People are free to say whatever they want about anyone. As they say, What other people think of you is none of your business.

  “I had a gaslighting friend who would constantly tell me that mutual friends were talking about me. Finally I just told her, ‘Oh, that’s nice,’ whenever she started up. She stopped doing it eventually. I guess she got bored of my nonresponse.”

  —Harvey, 42

  Another reason gaslighters practice splitting, besides to pit people against each other, is to isolate you from others. Gaslighters would love nothing more than for you to view them as your only friend. That way, gaslighters think, you will devote all your attention to them. Gaslighting friends will even go so far as to use splitting to try to isolate you from your spouse/partner and family. They will tell you that your spouse said something unflattering about you. Gaslighters know that most people will stew over this and eventually explode. They’d love to be the cause of a fight between you and your spouse. Don’t give them that power. If a friend tells you that your spouse said something harsh about you, it’s always best to check it out with your spouse—or forget it—rather than to give in to the temptation to think the worst.

  Their Real Goal in Befriending Your Spouse or Partner

  Gaslighters will often go to lengths to form a special bond with your spouse/partner. Be very wary. Do not tell gaslighters when you are going out of town without your spouse. Gaslighters will find a way to get your spouse alone with them. They will text your partner that they need help at their house and possibly show up unannounced at your house. They will pretend to be a good friend to your spouse, and will emphasize how good they are at listening. Gaslighters know exactly what many people in long-term relationships want to hear. This has nothing to do with whether you have a healthy relationship or not—anyone wants to feel listened to and needed. Even if you have a solid relationship, gaslighters have an uncanny ability to know what your spouse might need to feel better about herself. Gaslighter detect it and hone in on it. It is all part of a game to gaslighters—they are never truly empathic or supportive. They just want to find a way to get closer to your spouse.

  “My husband showed me a text from my gaslighting friend, saying that she needed help with her dishwasher. This was followed with a winking emoji. My husband texted back the names of some appliance repair people. She never contacted him again.”

  —Hannah, 28

  Gaslighters will focus on stealing your spouse, particularly if you have disclosed that you are having problems in your relationship. Whatever information you tell the gaslighters, they will use that to get your spouse hooked. If you confided in gaslighters that you are having medical issues, they may say to your spouse, “It must be really difficult having a spouse that is sick.” They may also subtly (or not so subtly) point out their own good health—“I’m so glad I work out every day.” Their goal with these comments is for your spouse to be aware that there is someone “better” out there who is less of a “burden.” Gaslighters don’t need to come right out and say it—inferring it is enough.

  As we discussed in Chapter 1, gaslighters will slowly ramp up their behavior; they know it’s easier to manipulate people that way. If a gaslighter knocked on your door and said to your partner, “Hi, I’m going to sleep with you,” it wouldn’t nearly be as effective as a slow ramp-up. Instead, the gaslighter will build emotional intimacy with your spouse over time. They are practicing the “cognitive empathy” we looked at in Chapter 1, working from what they think a person should feel and not how they really feel, because they don’t have the capacity for real empathy.

  These friends will “groom” your partner. They will slowly increase their visits when you are not home—and how odd that their washing machine breaks only when you are out of town. At first, gaslighters may not make
obviously flirtatious or sexual comments—it may just be a smile or a compliment. The next time, there are innuendos, then standing too close, up to full physical contact.

  Sure, there may be times when it appears that a gaslighter and your partner are just hanging out as friends. However, gaslighters almost always have ulterior motives. Never trust them alone with your spouse. There’s just no good reason why gaslighters would need to spend time with your spouse while you aren’t there.

  You may want to warn your spouse about the gaslighter. “There’s something off about Betty. If she comes to the house while I’m gone, please don’t let her in,” or “I think Betty is trying to hook up with you—please don’t go to her house if she asks you to fix something. We need to set solid boundaries with her.” Your spouse may say, “Don’t be silly, Betty is just a nice person. She’s a single mother and needs the help.” Your response? “I’ve seen behaviors that are concerning to me. I will go ahead and give her a list of people that can do home repairs.” Keep in mind, again, that people love attention. Gaslighters can act so sweet and innocent, and it’s understandable that your spouse may not see them as destructive.

  How can you be sure you’re not just having your own issues with jealousy? With a gaslighter, you’ll have seen a pattern of deceitful behavior. Maybe you’ve seen a gaslighting friend manipulate other people. Maybe she has tried pitting you against another friend. It’s reasonable to assume she lacks boundaries. Maybe you’ve heard about her hitting on other people’s partners. If, when you see how your friend behaves around your spouse, you get a gut feeling that there is something amiss, trust your instincts. They are almost always right.

  The lesser goal here is to separate you from your spouse—so you’ll have more time to devote to the gaslighter. The greater goal, however, is to “steal” your partner away from you. The gaslighter sees taking your partner as a game to be won. She doesn’t care about you, your spouse, or your relationship. She certainly doesn’t care about your feelings. As we’ve seen, gaslighters are serial cheaters. Do you think they really care that they are destroying a relationship and family? No. In fact, they live off this kind of “winning.”

  If your spouse does wind up having an affair with a gaslighter but wants to work things out with you, seriously consider ending the relationship. Once your spouse breaks off the affair with the gaslighter, things can get ugly very quickly. Gaslighters will stop at nothing to destroy your family if they feel they’ve been “wronged.” Never mind that they wronged you in the first place—that fact is lost on gaslighters.

  If your spouse has run off with a gaslighter, the joke is on him. When a gaslighter “steals” a spouse, it’s as if she has a new toy. It’s fun for a while, and then she tosses that toy in the pile with the others. Meanwhile, you have dodged a bullet. You can actually be thankful that you got to see the true character of your spouse.

  Whatever happens, remember that this affair is not your fault. The responsibility fully lies with the gaslighter and your spouse. Gaslighters are amazingly good at faking empathy, and your gaslighting friend will likely know exactly what to say that will attract your spouse. There is probably nothing you could have done to prevent this turn of events. Just try to learn from it and avoid the same dynamics in the future.

  When Your Child’s Friend Has a Gaslighting Parent

  A particularly tricky gaslighting dynamic is when your child’s friend has a gaslighting parent. Say this parent has shown that he doesn’t have good boundaries. He shares school pickup and drop-off with you. If you confront the gaslighter about his lack of boundaries, instead of answering you directly, he may “forget” to pick up your child for school. He may get you involved in some classroom drama with other parents. He may pit you against other parents, or even school administration. Your name may “accidentally” be taken off a parent volunteer list or other important roster, and later you find out that the gaslighter told your child’s teacher that you had requested to be removed. The method is passive-aggression. The goal is to punish you and to cause chaos.

  “My daughter had her friend over to play. I knew her mom was manipulative and I had really distanced myself from her. I didn’t think it was fair to punish my daughter and her friend for the mother being crazy though. That night I get a phone call from her mother, screaming and cursing at me. She accused me of not watching the kids, and that her daughter had bruises on her. I swear, when that child left my house, there was not a mark on her.”

  —Rosa, 34

  If you drop the gaslighter as a friend, you will be inconvenienced with having to do the school transport all by yourself. But more problematic is that you will still need to see this person at school events and parent organization meetings. Cutting off contact with a gaslighter like this can put you in an inconvenient and uncomfortable situation. However, not cutting off contact means your child still has interactions with the gaslighter—and that can lead to big problems down the line. You can tell the teacher that the gaslighter is to have limited contact with your child, and that the gaslighter is not authorized to send along any messages from you. The gaslighter is certainly not allowed to pick up your child from school, for any reason, no matter what he tells school staff.

  “My daughter’s friend told me that she thought about wanting to die. I immediately called her mother, who is a very manipulative woman. She told me her daughter was just being dramatic! I told her this was really serious, and I would call 911. She screamed and screamed at me, I can’t even repeat the things she called me.”

  —Emily, 43

  You will also have to deal with the potential difficulties of having the gaslighter’s child in your life. For example, driving the gaslighter’s child in your car or having him at your home also opens you up to possible liability. You will get blamed for something that the gaslighter said happened to his child, whether or not it actually did. Gaslighters love blaming and getting revenge. While you may feel bad for the gaslighter’s child, and as a decent human being want to support the child in some way, it is not a good idea.

  It is not uncommon for gaslighters to accuse other adults of harming their child. If you are accused, you are stuck—you may have no witnesses except the gaslighter’s child. That sweet child, who you felt sorry for and invited into your home, will lie about you as if their life depended on it (after all, they learned how to survive at the gaslighter’s knee). What are you to do? Take photos of the gaslighter’s child when he leaves your house to show he has no marks or bruises on him? It’s an impossible and dangerous game to play. This only goes two ways: you can either stop having the gaslighter’s child in your home or car or open yourself up to having the gaslighter accuse you of neglecting or abusing her child. The choice is clear.

  First, tell the gaslighter that because of these false accusations, it’s in both of your best interests to no longer have the gaslighter’s child in your home. When you frame this action as being best for both of you, the gaslighter will usually put up less resistance or make less of a scene. How do you explain to your child that his friend can no longer come over? One option is to hold off talking about it until the issue arises. Let’s say your younger child says she wants Johnny to come over after school tomorrow. You could say, “I’m sorry, that’s not possible. Let’s come up with something else we could do.” Younger children are easily distracted, and are ready to move on to the next thing. If your child is older, you could say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  If your child pushes, you can respond with, “Some things have happened that make that not a possibility.” You are under no obligation to tell your child the details—nor does she need to know all that information. Keep in mind that whatever you tell your child may get back to the gaslighter’s child, and then to the gaslighter. The more you make it a big deal, the more your kid will make it a big deal.

  WHY DO GASLIGHTING FRIENDS BEHAVE THIS WAY?

  Gaslighters see friends as commodities or things. They don’t see a need for having
a reciprocal or “even” relationship with people. They see friends as stepping-stones and a way to get what they want.

  Lack of Attachment

  You’ll notice with a gaslighting friend that the friendship is never fully reciprocated. There is no give and take. It’s all take, all the time. While you may feel close to this person and would drop everything to bring her food were there a death in her family, for example, she wouldn’t even call you if there were a death in yours. You would gladly help your gaslighting friend move into her new house, but when you need help moving, she’s nowhere to be found. In a friendship with a gaslighter, you are doing all the giving, and your gaslighting friend is doing all the taking. This includes taking your time and energy until you are exhausted.

  Gaslighting friends blame you for not doing enough for them, or won’t be there for you in your time of need—even when you have given and given until you can’t give anymore. You are exhausted just from having this one person in your life. You must understand that you will never fulfill gaslighters’ narcissistic needs. They are a bottomless pit.

  “I am always there for my neighbor, whatever she needs. But when I need something? Crickets.”

  —Yasmin, 35

  Why do they do this? Gaslighters scurry away from healthy attachments to other relationships that they can control. They may act like your best friend today but will disappear if they find someone who seems “better,” “more fun,” or of higher social status. To gaslighters, it’s all about appearance. Because of their “all or nothing” cognitive distortion, they can’t manage having more than one friend at a time. Either Friend A is 100 percent wonderful and Friend B is 100 percent terrible, or vice versa. There is no middle ground. Gaslighters will leave you high and dry with no explanation. While you are searching online for answers or asking other friends what you did to make such people completely ignore you, the gaslighters have moved on to their next victim, their new “best friend.” They do not care. They don’t care about your feelings, and they don’t care about the new friend’s feelings. They lack the capacity. They have no ability to function as an empathic, decent human being.