Gaslighting

by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis

  Act Bored or Ambivalent

  The best way to end a friendship with a gaslighter is to have the gaslighter get tired of you and walk away first. As we’ve seen again and again, gaslighters love to get people stirred up. If you respond to gaslighters’ inflammatory remarks with “that might be true,” “okay,” and “maybe,” they will soon become bored with you. If you act ambivalent or bored and fail to let them get a rise out of you, they will quickly move on. What you don’t want to do, even if it seems more honest or decent, is say, “We can’t hang out anymore.” That will only bring on their rage. One thing you can be sure of is that gaslighters have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and loss of control. Remember, no matter how bad you may feel about their troubles, you can’t fix them. Your only healthy option is to get away.

  State the Obvious and Seek Legal Remedies

  If you have set limits and the gaslighter still won’t leave you or your family alone, let him know clearly that he’s not welcome at your home. If you have set limits and the gaslighter still goes onto your property, he’s trespassing. Contact your local law enforcement agency for instances of trespassing, stalking, or if the gaslighter threatens you or your family. Contact an attorney if the gaslighter has ramped up his behavior to this point. You may need to file a restraining order. As noted earlier, a restraining order must be approved by a judge, and it states that a person may not initiate contact with you, and they must stay a certain distance from you at all times. You may qualify for a restraining order if a person poses an imminent or immediate threat to you or your family. It is critical that you keep documentation of how the person has harassed or threatened you.

  If the gaslighter posts threatening or false information about you or your business on the Internet, including social media, take screenshots and report the incident(s) to the site. Contact an attorney about possibly issuing a “cease and desist” order to prevent the gaslighter from further harassing you.

  There are two legal terms for this kind of harassment: libel and slander. Libel is when someone prints something about you that is both false and damaging to you. Slander is when someone says something that is both false and damaging to you. Suing someone for libel or slander is tricky—you have to prove that you or your business suffered directly from this person’s false statements—but it can be done. See an attorney for more information.

  GASLIGHTING FRIENDS ARE not really friends at all. They aren’t looking out for your best interests, nor can they really form healthy relationships. And just as with gaslighting friends, gaslighting neighbors and landlords can lack boundaries. It is up to you to put those boundaries in place—whether it is scaling back on your involvement, telling gaslighters that their behavior isn’t acceptable, getting legal advice or interventions, or cutting off contact completely. The option you choose depends on your relationship with the gaslighters and whether logistically you can truly get away from them.

  Getting away from a gaslighting friend and healing yourself can be a challenge. For more information on counseling and other ways to heal from your relationship with a gaslighter, see Chapter 12. In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to navigate through divorcing and also coparenting with a gaslighter.

  10

  YOUR EX, YOUR KIDS, YOUR EX’S NEW SPOUSE, YOUR NEW SPOUSE’S EX

  Gaslighting in Divorce and Coparenting

  PERHAPS THIS BOOK HAS GIVEN YOU THE COURAGE TO LEAVE A gaslighting spouse, or maybe that process was already under way when you found your way here. In either case, leaving a gaslighter puts you into very tricky territory. With everything you’ve learned so far about how gaslighters tend to operate, it’s not hard to see that divorcing, and then coparenting with, one can be a harrowing and tortuous process. Gaslighters will always find a way to kick you when you’re down, making the pain of your divorce even worse. If you have kids together, seeing them being impacted by the gaslighter’s behavior can bring out or intensify your feelings of anger and hatred toward your former spouse. But it certainly can be done. You can—you must—leave the gaslighter to get on with your life. I’m going to show you how. And if you’ve already left, this chapter can give you some good guidance for how to continue coparenting with a gaslighter (or what to do if your ex marries one or your new spouse brings a gaslighting ex into the picture).

  DIVORCING A GASLIGHTER

  I realize that the information in this chapter may make you feel pretty powerless. You want to protect yourself and your child, and with gaslighters that can sometimes seem impossible. But there are steps you can and should take to make the process go as smoothly as possible if you are divorcing a gaslighter or working out coparenting with one. Expect some level of conflict but know that you are doing the right thing to get away. And being separated or divorced from the gaslighter usually gives you more space to detach and get some needed perspective.

  All divorces involving a gaslighter would fall into the category of “high-conflict divorce.” Knowing what makes up a high-conflict divorce helps you know what to expect during a divorce from a gaslighter, and also helps you identify what you might be going through. This leads to you feeling more in control of your situation. High-conflict divorces are ones in which either or both partners:

  Get into a fight almost every time they meet

  Have a Cluster B personality disorder (antisocial, borderline, histrionic, or narcissistic)

  Have a history of domestic violence

  Have had involvement from social services regarding child welfare

  Have a history of violent crime

  Refuse to comply with judicial orders

  Sabotage communications between the parties

  Sabotage communication between the other parent and the children

  Cause conflict during child exchange

  Have a restraining order against them

  Hire an Attorney

  Divorce is never an easy process, even when both parties are civil to each other. When you are divorcing a gaslighter, it can be a wild, unpredictable ride. You need a family law attorney who has expertise in working in high-conflict divorces, and also who wants the process to be done as fairly and equitably as possible. If you have financial hardship, there are family law attorneys who are willing to work pro bono (at no charge) or low bono (for a nominal fee), particularly in cases of domestic abuse. See the Resources section at the end of this book for more information.

  Family law attorneys specialize in cases of marriage, divorce, parenting, adoption, surrogacy, and juvenile law-breaking. You can find the right attorney for you by getting referrals from your community, reading reviews online, and then directly contacting the attorney.

  When you first meet with an attorney, ask how much she charges and how much experience she has with high-conflict divorces. Let her know that your ex is very manipulative. During this discussion, pay attention to whether you feel comfortable sharing this information with your attorney. Does it seem that this attorney is knowledgeable about how to handle manipulative exes? Did the attorney or her receptionist return your call in a reasonable amount of time? If not, consider that a red flag. You need someone who recognizes the seriousness of your situation. You may need to interview a few attorneys before you meet the one that is best for you. Make sure you choose an attorney with whom you feel comfortable asking questions—your and your children’s well-being is at stake.

  Once you have hired an attorney, bring along documentation for the issues you have had with your ex. This can be in the form of a note-taking app, a notebook, or any other organized form of writing (e-mails, texts with your ex, etc.). You can also include videos or recordings of phone calls, but be aware of your state laws regarding the recording of others.

  Mediation

  In some states, when you are divorcing you are required to go to mediation first, instead of going directly to court. (An exception to this is if your attorney feels that mediation will not result in the best outcome for you and your children, and recommends that you have a judge
make decisions about your case.) A mediator is a trained, neutral third party who helps you and your spouse come to an agreement regarding marital assets (property, such as furniture and a house); scheduled time with children; how the parents will share decision-making power (the most common option is that both exes have decision-making power) for children’s medical and school issues; child support amounts; and who pays for afterschool activities and/or daycare. If you are divorcing pro se (without attorney representation), just the two of you will meet with the mediator. If you are represented by an attorney, she will meet you at the mediator’s office or you will go there together. The mediator may even come to you in some cases.

  “My ex has been abusive, so I told the mediator that I felt unsafe around him. She did mediation in a way that I never even saw my ex, and I left her office way before he did.”

  —Julianne, 30

  If you feel unsafe meeting directly with your soon-to-be-ex in mediation, let the mediator know ahead of time. When speaking with the mediator, let him know that your spouse has been volatile in the past, and you are concerned for your safety. Let him know that you are open to mediation, but you do not want to be in the same room with your spouse under any circumstance. Tell the mediator you want to leave his office before your soon-to-be-ex arrives.

  “Mediation was a good way to keep our focus on what was best for our kids.”

  —Lisi, 34

  Collaborative Divorce

  There is something called a collaborative divorce. This can be an ideal way to work through a divorce with a gaslighter. In a collaborative divorce, you meet as a team to divorce in a way that helps you, your spouse, and your children have the calmest transition possible. In a collaborative team meeting, a facilitator (usually a mental health professional) leads the team. The facilitator is a neutral party there to help the meeting run smoothly. The rest of the collaborative team consists of you, your ex, your attorney, your ex’s attorney, and a financial representative. The benefits of the collaborative divorce are that everyone on the team is working toward the best interests of you, your ex, and your children. In collaborative divorce, you focus on shared goals, such as the happiness and safety of your children.

  “Collaborative divorce helped my ex and me with stuff we would always have fought about before. When things were getting heated, the man running the meeting reminded us that we were divorcing this way because we wanted our kids to be happy.”

  —Julio, 38

  Because the team is all working together, there is less of a chance of your gaslighting spouse “playing” the members of the team against one another. If the facilitator is on his game and the team is cohesive, he and the other team members will spot this and put the gaslighter’s manipulation to a grinding halt. Collaborative divorce can be more expensive than standard divorce, given all the players involved who need to be paid. However, since your divorce process may be more efficient and less traumatic, it may actually cost you less money than in a “standard” divorce process. Again, a discussion with your attorney can help you decide whether the collaborative route is the way to go in your case.

  “I felt really comfortable and safe in the collaborative process, even though divorce is a difficult thing to go through. The team members helped us stay on track and focus on the most important thing—the well-being of our kids.”

  —Francesca, 38

  THE SAGA CONTINUES: COPARENTING AFTER LEAVING A GASLIGHTER

  Making the decision to divorce a gaslighter is one of the toughest and courageous things you can do, and if you have children with this person, it can be terribly disheartening to realize you can never truly be free of him. How do you balance protecting your kids with not making the situation with the gaslighter worse? How do you coparent with someone who doesn’t have you or your children’s best interests in mind? How do you coexist alongside someone who lives to make your life miserable?

  You may be realizing how much your and your children’s quality of life has been impacted by his crazy-making behavior—it’s hard to keep track of all the manipulation tactics and lies when you are coparenting with a gaslighter—and yet you can’t deny your children a relationship with their other parent. However, there is hope for you and your children to have a bright future.

  It is important to recognize what tricks your gaslighter is likely to use to keep you under his grip, as well as the tricks he’s likely to use to try to pit your children against you or otherwise weaponize them against you. I’ll teach you how to coparent to the best of your ability even when your coparenting partner is constantly trying to undermine you. I’ll give you the best information I have on how to protect yourself and your children from the damage of a gaslighter.

  Traits of Gaslighting Parents

  Gaslighting parents tend to:

  Alienate their children from the other parent

  Not return the children to the other parent at the agreed-upon time

  Change plans at the last minute regarding time with the children

  Speak badly about the other parent, with the children present

  Not show up for scheduled pickup and drop-off

  Disappear from the children’s life entirely

  Refuse to pay child support or spousal support, as ordered by the court

  Act abusively toward the children

  Talk, or relay messages, to the other parent through the children

  Prevent the children from speaking to the other parent

  Tell the children that they can’t do an activity because the other parent is “taking all my money”

  Make the children call a new partner “Mom” or “Dad”

  Have the children snoop on the other parent and report back to them

  Fail to show up to court-ordered mediation

  Fail to practice “right of first refusal” with the other parent

  Leave paperwork about the separation, divorce, or parenting plan in clear view of the children

  Later in this chapter, we’ll look at what special considerations you should make when entering a high-conflict divorce.

  Gaslighters Try to Poison Your Children Against You

  It’s common for a gaslighting parent to try to use your kids against you and drive a wedge in your relationship with your kids. It is a form of emotional abuse. This type of abuse can take years to heal from, and it can impact your child’s relationship with you even into adulthood. That’s why it’s so important that you learn to spot the signs and have good tools for putting a stop to it.

  In a divorce, gaslighters may become obsessed with feeling that they “won.” They will often get irrationally jealous when you start dating again. Remember, gaslighters don’t see people as people but as possessions. If your ex feels he has been “wronged,” he may try to make your life difficult. Add kids to this combustible situation and the gaslighter will usually make a concerted effort to portray you to your kids as the “bad parent” so as to “win” their favor.

  “My ex told my son that my boyfriend was a drug dealer and that I slept around. Surprise, surprise, my son started refusing to come home. None of what my ex said was true. I wound up taking him to court, and the judge said my ex was a bad influence on my son. My ex didn’t care that what he said was a lie, and that it was hurting our son—he just wanted to ‘win.’”

  —Janet, 38

  Tragically and confusingly for your kids, this has nothing to do with the gaslighting parent actually wanting or loving your child; it’s about hurting you where you are most vulnerable—in your relationship with your children. Gaslighters have to “win” and so they need you to “lose,” at all costs—even if it destroys your children psychologically.

  I have seen this too often, and there are too many stories out there to count.

  In one particular custody case, the father petitioned for primary custody of his son, claiming that the mother was an unfit parent. The son had begun spending a majority of his after-school time with the father instead of the mother, going a
gainst the parenting plan. The father had a history of not returning the son to the mother on time, degraded the mother in front of the son, left sexually explicit material in view of the son, and encouraged the son to defy the mother’s rules. In addition, the son’s grades had dropped since he’d started spending so much time at his father’s house. The court found no evidence that the mother was an unfit parent, and ruled that the son’s statements about wanting to live with the father were “coached,” meaning that they sounded rehearsed and as if he was repeating what his father had told him to say. The visitation agreement as written was ordered to be enforced, with the father going back to seeing the son every other weekend and one day a week.

  In another custody case, the mother would video record the exchange of her child with the father at a mutually agreed-upon location. She presented the recordings as evidence that the child did not want to go with the father and that she should get full custody. Recording the exchanges actually worked against the mother—they showed her encouraging the child to stay with her and not get into the father’s car. This included the mother’s “reminding” the child why he didn’t want to go with the father. Remarkably, the recordings also showed the mother promising the child special trips and gifts if he stayed with her and didn’t go with the father. The gaslighting mother must not have even considered how badly these recordings made her look! Primary custody was denied, and shared custody continued as per the agreement, with mandatory counseling for the mother.