Gaslighting
Page 20
“My ex was pretty quiet until he found out from my sister that I was dating. All of the sudden he started showing up late to exchanges, with no text, phone call, or explanation. He started refusing to talk to me about our son’s schedule, his soccer practice, pretty much everything.”
—Courtney, 31
In these cases, you see how easily a gaslighter ex can influence a child or children against the other parent. Gaslighters are notorious for telling their children that the other parent is bad or not worthy of them. They shower the child with gifts and special trips, tell the child that the other parent’s rules are ridiculous and strict, let the child stay up late, tell the child that they don’t have to show up on time to the exchange point—all things that greatly influence children.
Teenagers are especially susceptible to this type of influence, because of their inherent rebelliousness. During a developmental stage where parents need to set clear boundaries, the gaslighting parent appears to let the teen have free rein. What teenager wouldn’t be tempted by that?
Granted, there is a flip side to coparenting with a gaslighter. Gaslighters who have immediately found a new partner may “forget” their children. The gaslighting parent is now nowhere to be found. Child support is garnished from his paychecks because he can’t be bothered to uphold his obligations or be a participant in his child’s life. This is another way that gaslighters punish—by putting the complete parenting responsibility on their former spouse.
We have already discussed how gaslighters can harm their children, in Chapter 8. If you refer back to that chapter, you will also find a list of warning signs that your children have started using the gaslighting parent’s manipulation tactics. By knowing these warning signs, you can stay one step ahead and make sure your children get the help they need to be happy and healthy—including counseling, being surrounded by positive role models, and having a strong, healthy relationship with you.
The good news is that there is hope for you and your children. In many cases, gaslighters get the help they need (or are court-ordered to get) and they become less of an issue over time. You also have more support available than you realize—from friends, family, professionals, and your community. The most important thing is to keep being the best parent you can be. You may want to look into counseling for yourself and your kids; the end of this chapter as well as Chapter 12 offer more information.
Increased Chances of Child Abuse
All gaslighting parents see their children as extensions of themselves, but when the other parent isn’t present as a moderating influence, the possibilities for abuse escalate, especially during periods—toddlerhood, the preteen years—when a child should be individuating from the parent. During individuation, children start saying no more often and start testing boundaries with you. This is developmentally normal. Your children are exercising their freedom and want to know the boundaries of this freedom.
Psychologically healthy parents will want their children to learn how to function on their own in the world. They’ll see this separating as normal. Gaslighters, by contrast, will look upon their children’s individuation with rage and disgust, viewing that independence as a form of abandonment and betrayal. Gaslighters know that when children are independent, they have less control over them. They will do whatever is in their power to stop those children from being their own person—and this can easily lead to abuse.
If you feel your child may be being abused, contact your local law enforcement or your state’s abuse hotline. For more information, see the Resources section at the end of this book. Of course if you think your child is being abused, it will be excruciatingly hard not to lash out at the gaslighter. Don’t do it. I cannot possibly overstate this. Do not lash out. You need to be available for your child, even more than ever, and it’s very difficult to do that if your ex files a court order against you or you go so far as to be in police custody or prison. Instead, get yourself and your children into counseling immediately. Also speak with a family law attorney about you and your child’s rights, including filing an emergency motion regarding custody and visitation.
REFUSE TO ARGUE WITH THE GASLIGHTER
In general, you want to avoid arguing with gaslighters. Just talk about facts and try to avoid using your emotions. I know this can be very difficult to do, but becoming emotional with gaslighters gives them the reward they’re looking for. They thrive on knowing they’ve gotten under your skin, and they’ll just jack up the manipulative behavior if they think they’re succeeding. It’s all a game with them, and you will never win an argument with a gaslighter. It’s like arguing with someone who is drunk. The best thing you can do is maintain a calm voice, even if you feel as though you are going to explode inside.
“I was constantly falling for my ex’s snide comments and getting into fights with her on the phone. Finally I realized that when we were fighting, I was still having some emotional interaction with her. With a therapist’s help, I learned how gaslighters work hard at getting people upset. That really helped me heal, and made me realize I wasn’t the crazy one.”
—Jerusha, 35
Remember, gaslighters feed off your anger and frustration. Do not give them that power. When they don’t get a reaction out of you, they may start upping the ante, or increasing their damaging behaviors. This does not mean you need to tolerate yelling or verbal abuse, however. If your ex starts yelling at you or calling you names over the phone, calmly hang up.
If you are receiving verbal abuse via text, take screen shots and do not respond to the texts. Just as when you argue over the phone, by responding you are giving gaslighters the rise they’re looking for. If you show you are riled up, you are rewarding the behavior that you want to stop. I know how hard holding back can be to do.
If gaslighters try to anger you, I recommend that you pause for a deep breath to a count of three. This sounds so simple, but you’ll be amazed at how it can help you regain composure and communicate—or terminate the conversation, as need be—without emotion.
What’s in It for You?
If you find yourself being pulled into an argument with your gaslighting ex, look into why that is happening. Your ex probably knows your most vulnerable spots, such as some insecurities you may have about how you parent your kids. The gaslighter will go right after those soft spots to provoke you into lashing out and looking unstable. You can’t afford this, and no good will come of it. Not arguing means little to no contact.
I encourage you to ask yourself what’s in it for you. Could it be that you are engaging in fighting with your ex because it means you can still have some attachment to him? It can be very difficult to break that attachment. This person manipulated you in a way that made you feel dependent on him, and then he abused your trust. It can be very difficult to cope with that.
If you think you fight with your ex because you still crave some attachment to him, take a step back and examine why. Do you feel a sense of excitement when you fight with him? Does it seem as though your ex knows exactly what to say to upset you? Going to counseling can be really helpful in stopping this pattern of fighting just to stay close.
“Every single time we talk on the phone, there’s an argument. I told her texting and e-mail would be best. This way we argue less, and I have documentation of what was said. No more ‘I told you to pick the kids up at 6’ when it was clearly 7.”
—Jorge, 41
I’d also encourage you to think about how your arguing might be affecting your children’s well-being, including their emotional health. They are probably more aware of the fighting with your ex than you realize. Are they around when you take your ex’s phone calls? Respond to his texts? Kids are very perceptive about friction like this, even if it’s just over texts, and it can start to affect their mood, sleep, appetite, academic performance, and how they get along with you and their siblings. You may even notice that your children are showing physical signs of anxiety, such as biting their nails or pulling at their hair.
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nbsp; It is up to you to stop the pattern of fighting with a gaslighter ex. Gaslighters can’t have an argument if you don’t participate. If your ex says something rude, remember, you can always say, calmly, “I’m hanging up now,” and do it. If you have children with your ex, you can consult with what’s called a parent coordinator, to help improve communication with your ex. Later in this chapter you’ll learn how these parent coordinators can help in high-conflict coparenting situations.
Consider just communicating with your ex via text or e-mails, where you can control whether and how to respond—and have a record of the exchange. There are even apps that will do the scheduling for you so you don’t have to talk directly to your ex. See the Resources section at the end of this book for more information.
WHEN YOUR SPOUSE’S EX IS A GASLIGHTER
And what if you married someone with a gaslighting ex? Maybe you were aware that your spouse’s ex had issues before you got married, or maybe it was only later that you were welcomed into the inner sanctum of the ex’s insanity. Here are a few words to live by: You are not responsible for your spouse’s ex’s behavior (or your spouse’s behavior, for that matter). You did nothing wrong by marrying your spouse, even if the gaslighting ex is trying to punish you for it. If you got together with your spouse via an affair, it’s understandable that his ex-spouse would be upset. But there is a big difference between being upset and stalking and harassing, as gaslighters tend to do. In a moment, we’ll look at how to set good boundaries with your spouse’s gaslighting ex.
STEPPARENTING
If your spouse has kids with his ex, the challenges of course multiply. Being a stepparent is tough enough when there isn’t a gaslighter in the picture—you get all the responsibilities of being a parent with none of the ability to provide guidance or limit-setting. However, what you can set are your own limits as to how you will be treated. If your spouse’s ex is a gaslighter, it is important that your spouse be on board with your boundaries with his kids. Good boundaries with your stepchildren include their speaking to you in a calm tone, and staying out of your personal belongings (a gaslighting parent will often recruit a child on a “search and find” mission). Likewise, you must do the same for them. Be very careful about not disciplining your stepchildren. That is not your job or your role—that is up to your spouse and the children’s other parent. If you do discipline the children, the gaslighter will be all over you. Avoid a potential blow-up by not trying to parent her children. Have a clear set of guidelines for the stepchildren’s behavior at home. Post these rules in a visible location, such as the refrigerator door. This eliminates quite a bit of arguments between stepparent and spouse.
“My husband’s ex cornered me one day and told me what we had eaten for dinner every day that week. It was very creepy. My guess is that she was just letting me know that my stepson was sharing information with her, and that she was in control.”
—Janie, 35
It is very important that you and your spouse come to agreement on boundaries with his ex and their children. You should not tolerate your partner’s ex:
Getting in your personal space
Telling your stepchildren lies about you
Sabotaging your relationship with your stepchildren
Encouraging your stepchildren to snoop on you
Showing up at your house without contacting you first
Showing up at your workplace
In cases such as these, you may benefit from having you, your spouse, and your spouse’s ex discuss these boundary violations in counseling sessions. If this reaffirming and creation of healthy boundaries is not enough, consult with an attorney.
Many times, people will marry a person with children with the unconscious wish to “save” or “fix” the family. This Florence Nightingale fantasy can be especially appealing when the spouse’s ex is a gaslighter and has done psychological damage to the family; you think you can be a good influence for these “poor kids.” Tricky, tricky territory, especially when the family you marry into doesn’t realize the severity of the other parent’s pathology. Your spouse’s ex’s whirlwind of destructive behavior is “normal” to them, and having you point out the gaslighting behaviors is likely to cause some explosions.
“My stepson blatantly went against rules when it was just he and I at home. It turns out his mother was encouraging him to cause trouble for me.”
—Lauren, 30
If your spouse still has an emotional attachment to the gaslighter, she may not want to hear what you have to say and will blame you for bringing it up. She may accuse you of jealousy or think you’re trying to drive some sort of wedge between the exes. If you find yourself in this situation, it may be time for couples counseling, or you may need to reevaluate your standing with your spouse and consider whether it is time to leave the relationship. Remember, you can’t make anyone do anything, including making your spouse realize that her ex’s behavior is not acceptable.
SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR CHILDREN THEIR PARENT IS A GASLIGHTER?
If you are the one with the gaslighting ex, it can be a special challenge to talk with your kids about their other parent’s behavior. One of the most difficult parts of having a gaslighting ex is seeing how your kids suffer due to the gaslighter’s behavior. It is a thin line between commiserating with them and expecting children to take your side against their other parent; for instance, “Your mom didn’t pick you up because she’s not a reliable person.” Please, please refrain from saying negative things about your ex to your children, no matter how tempting. You are doing no one a favor. What you tell your children will get back to the gaslighter eventually, and the gaslighter will then use that against you. Instead, vent your frustrations with your friends and with a mental health professional. Your children are not an appropriate forum.
The gaslighter, as terrible as he may be, is still your child’s parent. Children have a love for their parent that goes far beyond logic and understanding. It’s similar to the love you have for your children—you love them beyond reason. Also, your children’s love for their other parent is completely different from the love you once had for that person. The children’s love is unconditional. Chances are, if you tell your children that their other parent is a gaslighter, they will get upset with you for maligning him. It’s a road you don’t want to go down.
You may feel that you have to be the “bad guy” almost all of the time, while the gaslighting parent gets to be the “fun parent.” You might wish you could tell your children about the true nature of their other parent. Here’s what usually happens when you give in to that urge to tell the “truth.” First, this information will get back to the gaslighter. Guaranteed. The gaslighter will either pump your children for this information or bribe them with gifts or special privileges. Or, if you are speaking negatively about their other parent, the children will tell that parent because they are sure what you said about that parent is wrong. Put yourself in your kids’ shoes. What good could come from knowing what you really think of their other mom or dad?
Your kids may also simply volunteer this information because it is the nature of children both to tell the truth and to push your buttons. They also know how to self-preserve. If your child has broken a rule in the other parent’s home, what better way to divert from his behavior than to offer to the other parent, “Guess what Mommy said about you?” This revelation will only serve to send the gaslighter into a white hot rage. The rage will not only be let out on you but possibly also your child.
BEST PRACTICES FOR COPARENTING WITH A GASLIGHTER
One of my hopes in including this chapter in the book is to pass along some of the wisdom and experiences of other parents who have separated from a gaslighter. Here is my list of best practices:
Have a Detailed Parenting Plan
A parenting plan is a detailed agreement between you and the other parent.
Parenting plans detail—perhaps child by child, as appropriate:
Who will have the children on what h
olidays, and what is the time of drop-off and pick-up
Where the children will attend school, and who will transport the children on which days
Who is okay to watch the children when the children are at a parent’s home
Right of first refusal, where one parent must let the other parent know if he or she will be away longer than an agreed-upon time and give the other parent the right to have that time with the children instead of a babysitter
How medical decisions should be made: will they be a joint decision between parents, or do the parents agree that one parent will make the final decision if an agreement can’t be reached?
Who will provide insurance coverage for the children and who will pay for it
The amount of child support. This is usually determined by a formula according to state, and according to income and number of children. It is also determined by number of overnight visits. (If a noncustodial parent agrees to a certain number of overnight visits during the year, the amount of child support that person is responsible for may decrease.)
What days each parent will have the children at his or her home
The times and locations of exchanges between parents
How the children can communicate with one parent when in the other parent’s custody (text, e-mail, phone, video conferencing)
At what times the children will have communications with one parent when in the other parents’ custody
Agreements about open communication between the parents
The method in which the parents will communicate about scheduling and decision making—text, phone, e-mail, or videoconferencing