Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  At first, I’m not sure I’ve heard that right. Is Kyle teasing me about being together with Georgia? But he knows I only think of her as a friend. I frown, confused.

  “Kyle…” I say.

  “Oh, by the way, we’re painting next weekend,” Kyle continues cheerfully, and I blink. Maybe I just misread it? “Now that the walls are up, everyone is heading in to do the first few coats. Are you in?”

  “Yeah, Georgia already said she’d sit for me,” I agree. “Did Alex get the paint?”

  “It’s already over there,” Kyle assures me. “See you on Saturday, then?”

  “Yeah, see you then.”

  We hang up and I stare at the cell in my hand. That was…very odd, I decide. It also makes me feel strangely uneasy. When Trevor or one of my workmates tease me, it’s easy to pass it off and ignore them. But hearing Kyle tease me about Georgia is different. Have I missed something that my best friend sees?

  I shake my head and stand up, stretching. I’m being ridiculous. I’m seeing something there that isn’t when Kyle was likely only trying to be funny.

  I wander into the kitchen as my stomach rumbles, reminding me that it’s close to dinner. I don’t feel like only cooking for myself, so I grab some bread rolls, as well as some meat, cheese and tomatoes from the fridge, intending on making myself some sandwiches. As I turn back, however, with my food, I spy the letters that I threw on the table when I came in, deciding to look at them later.

  I sigh. I really need to look at these now. I’m expecting the electricity bill any day now, so that letter could be in the pile.

  “Bill,” I mutter, pushing letters aside. “Bill. Junk. Bill. So many fucking bills…”

  Why do they all seem to come at once? Even the registration for my motorbike, which is now due, is in the pile. So much for putting a little money aside so I don’t have to borrow as much for the computer…

  Then I pause. There’s a letter in the pile that doesn’t look the same as the others. The address on it is handwritten and oddly familiar. It’s not very thick, but I can see big, looping letters written on plain paper through the thin envelope.

  I feel like I should recognize this handwriting. But I can’t remember the last time I saw it. I frown at it and flip the envelope over, looking for the return address.

  Polly Sanders

  Polly? My blood runs cold. But, no, that can’t be right, the maiden name of the Polly I knew, who I assume went back to using it after our divorce, was Polly Truman, not Polly Sanders. But my mind is ticking, and, suddenly, I know where I’ve seen that handwriting before, and why it took me so long to recognize it. That’s Polly’s handwriting, and the last time I saw it was on the handwritten shopping list she gave me the day she disappeared on me.

  “What the fuck?” I whisper, collapsing in the nearest chair, staring at the envelope.

  Polly has written to me? Polly, whose last name is different now. Polly, who hasn’t made any attempt to contact me since I last saw her a month after Lily was born. Polly, who disappeared and abandoned both me and her baby girl.

  Why the fuck is Polly writing to me?

  My first impulse is to throw the damn thing in the trash. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. Once upon a time, when I was grieving and stupid, I came up with every excuse under the sun why Polly had left me, and lashed out angrily at everything except her. Eventually, though, I learned to square the blame on her shoulders, where it belonged, and now I can’t even think of her without feeling furious. Which didn’t matter, because the chances of her ever appearing in my life again are pretty slim.

  Yet, here she is. I should throw this letter away. But I hesitate. I have no fondness left for Polly, but I can’t help but be insanely curious. She did such a good job of hiding from me that she convinced her entire family to refuse to tell me where she was. So why would she suddenly show up and ruin all that hard work?

  I don’t want to know. But part of me needs to know.

  So, despite my misgivings, despite knowing that it was probably a really fucking awful idea, I rip open the letter. I scan over it once, then a second time. Then I read it a third time, more and more incredulous at what I’m reading. Once I’m done, I drop it to the table and stare.

  “What the fuck!”

  Chapter Six

  Georgia

  I’m going to take it.

  I’ve spent the last two days thinking about it. My boss told me to take all the time I needed, but there had been a hint in his voice reminding me that I didn’t have forever, after all. So I thought about it, weighing the pros and cons of taking this new job.

  The pros are better pay and more recognition.

  The cons, on the other hand, are leaving Ethan, leaving my home, not having any friends, leaving the job that I love and the people I enjoy working for and being in an unfamiliar place.

  It’s ironic; the cons far outweigh the pros. Yet, I’m going to take the job, because once of those cons is also a very strange pro.

  Leaving Ethan.

  It seems ridiculous to base everything om wanting to tear myself, finally, away from Ethan. But, the more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t help but think of this as an amazing opportunity. I can’t pull away from Ethan on my own. I’m not strong enough to do that. But if I took this job, I would be forced to move. Ethan will always be my best friend, and I’ll always want to be in his and Lily’s lives, but maybe a little bit of distance will be good for us both.

  So, yes, I’m going to take this job.

  I haven’t told anyone about it just yet. Part of me wants to call Susie and tell her that I’m taking her advice, which I’m sure she’ll be pleased about. I haven’t even told my boss my decision yet. But none of them have the right to be the first to know.

  Despite everything else, Ethan has that right.

  When I leave, I will be leaving Ethan and Lily to fend for themselves. I know that it’s going to make Ethan’s life a lot harder without me being there. I’m confident that Grant and Kyle will help, but Kyle is still working up the courage to ask Allison to move in with him, and Grant has Jessica and his own son to deal with. Neither of them will be able to do what I did, which was being available at almost any time if Ethan needed me. Lily is also going to be devasted; in a lot of ways, I’m a pseudo-mother to her. So it’s going to be difficult for both of them.

  But I can’t think about any of that. As selfish as it might sound, I need to start living my life. I’ve been stuck in one place for so long, all because I haven’t wanted to leave Ethan’s side. I gave up hope, years ago, that Ethan will ever love me the same way I love him, but I still can’t tear myself away.

  If I leave, maybe I can find someone else to love who will love me back. They’ll probably never quite replace Ethan. I’ve loved him too long and too desperately to ever quite forget that. But time and distance will make those feelings fade slightly, and become more platonic, the same way Ethan looks at me.

  So, it’s scary, and I’m still not entirely sure I’m making the right decision, but my mind is made up. I’ll let my boss know and, when the position starts in a few months, I’ll leave for the city, casting aside all the bonds that have kept me in this place for so long.

  I glance at the time. It’s almost nine at night. For most people, it would be too late to visit, but Ethan and I have made it a habit, even since we were teenagers, of visiting each other at all hours, even, on one memorable occasion after I had just been dumped via text when I was twenty, at three o’clock in the morning. So I know Ethan won’t mind if I quickly go around to talk to him about this. It’s also the perfect night for it, since Lily isn’t there and there’s no chance of her overhearing before I’m ready to tell her.

  Now that I’ve made the decision, I need to get it off my chest as quickly as possible. As heartbreaking as it will be to have this conversation with Ethan, I can’t put it off. I’m not the type of person to allow something to hang in the air for weeks, after all.

  I grab my ke
ys and head out to my car. I’m anxious about how this is going to go. I know Ethan will support me in anything I do, of course. He’ll be so happy for me. Yet, that’s also going to make the sadness he won’t be able to completely cover even worse.

  Still…it’s for the best. One day, he’ll see it too. Besides, I tell myself as I drive to Ethan’s house. It isn’t like I’m abandoning him and Lily. I’ll only be about an hour away and I’ll still visit as much as I can. I’m not moving across the country, after all.

  Ethan’s bike is in the driveway, thankfully, and I pull in beside it carefully. As I approach the house, I have the sudden thought that Ethan might have gone out tonight, especially since Lily isn’t home and he doesn’t have to worry about her. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened, and I draw in a deep breath before entering the house with the key Ethan gave me many years ago.

  “Ethan!” I call. “I hope you don’t mind me coming around, but I needed to talk to you about something!”

  I listen, but there’s no answer. I frown. The house is also strangely dark, considering Ethan is home. Or maybe he isn’t? Perhaps he walked to the bar or was picked up by someone. I sigh and head further into the house. Just my luck. Though I can’t begrudge Ethan the chance to go out with his friends; he rarely gets the chance to do that without stressing about Lily.

  Then I notice a soft glow in the kitchen. I pause, confused. The light isn’t strong enough to be a lamp or the overhead light. It almost looks like the glow of a phone? It flicks off as I watch, and then turns back on.

  “Ethan?” I ask cautiously. “Is that you?”

  I hope it’s Ethan. It would be really horrible if I’ve walked into the house at the same time as a robber.

  “Georgia?” Ethan says tiredly from the kitchen, and I relax.

  “Why didn’t you answer me before?” I ask, exasperated, as I walk into the kitchen. “You almost gave me a heart…!”

  I stop short, staring. Ethan looks up with bloodshot eyes, blinking at me.

  “What’s…this?” I ask blankly.

  Ethan is sitting at the dining table, slumped in the wooden chair. The table is littered with cans and bottles, most of them either empty or mostly empty, of alcohol. And, now that I think about it, there’s a pungent smell in the air that makes me wrinkle my nose.

  “Are you drunk?” I ask incredulously.

  “Maybe,” Ethan says, and now I can hear the way his words are slurring.

  What the hell? I knew Ethan was going to be home alone tonight, but did he really get so lonely that he went and drank himself into a stupor while he was alone in his house? I thought he was smarter than that!

  “What the fuck, Ethan?” I ask angrily. “If you wanted to get this drunk, why didn’t you go to the damn bar?”

  “Didn’t wanna…” Ethan groans, slumping down to the table. “Kyle’ll just ask me about the loan again.”

  I frown. Loan?

  “What loan?” I ask him.

  He waves his hand toward the kitchen. There’s a packet of papers on the table. Half of them are filled out. It looks like Ethan is thinking about going for a loan of a few thousand dollars. But there’s no way he can afford to do that.

  “Why are you getting a loan?” I demand, feeling a little hurt. If Ethan had just asked, I would definitely have helped him out.

  “Lily wants a computer,” Ethan mumbles. He sighs. “Don’t wanna be a burden on anyone…”

  I stare at him. Oh. I swallow the lump in my throat. I actually heard Lily asking Ethan for a computer for her birthday. I felt sad at the time because I knew Ethan could never afford it, and I started to investigate options to get it for her myself. But I didn’t realize that Ethan had been thinking about it too.

  And, of course he would have! I kick myself for not considering this sooner. Ethan’s daughter had asked him for something he couldn’t provide. He would definitely have felt terrible about it.

  But I can unpack that later. Right now, I have a very drunk Ethan on my hands.

  “Is that why you’re drinking?” I ask, gentler this time, moving over to the table to sit beside him.

  “No,” he snorts. “That’s because of Polly.”

  I freeze. I haven’t heard Polly’s name in a very long time. We try to avoid it as much as possible. Neither of us can stand thinking of the woman that ran off so suddenly, abandoning Ethan and her daughter.

  “Polly?” I venture.

  Ethan slides something toward me. It’s an open envelope, a piece of folded paper sticking out of it. Ethan’s address is written neatly on the front, and the return address on the back…

  “This says Polly Sanders,” I say slowly.

  “Just read it,” Ethan says with a bitter laugh.

  I almost don’t want to. Slowly, I slide the letter out of the envelope and scan it. My mouth drops open. I don’t know whether to be impressed, shocked or angry at this woman’s audacity.

  Dear Ethan,

  It’s been a long time. There’s a lot that I need to say to you, starting with several apologies that I know will never be enough. I’ve been keeping track of time, and I know our daughter will be eleven soon. That means it’s been over ten years that I’ve been absent from your lives. I have a lot to make up for.

  I should have written sooner, but I was too much of a coward. I was scared of what you’d say. You have every right to be angry with me. You’ve probably even noticed that my last name has changed; I got married three years ago. I’m sure a lot has changed in this time for you and Lily, too.

  I missed you so much. I know I don’t have the right to say that, but I did. And I thought of Lily all the time. I abandoned her, and I know that couldn’t have been easy on either of you.

  But I want to make up for it. Please give me one more chance to be the mother to Lily that I should have been from the moment she was born. Please let me meet my daughter and see how much she has grown. I understand if you don’t want to allow this, but I am her mother, and I do have the right to see her. Please give me your blessing, it would mean so much.

  My number is (862) 945-0019. When you’ve made your decision, please call me. I’m sorry that this has come out of the blue. But it’s time that I step up to the plate and be there for both of you, like I should have been before.

  Yours,

  Polly

  “What the fuck?” I say blankly.

  Ethan snorts.

  “That was my reaction,” he says. “I don’t even know what to do about it.”

  “I’d tell her just where to go,” I say furiously. “She has no right to show up after ten years, and start making all these demands! She wants to see Lily? Well, maybe Lily doesn’t want to see the mother that abandoned her!”

  “Lily…will want to see her,” Ethan sighs.

  I deflate. He’s not wrong. Lily has been asking, recently, about her mother. Ethan has tried to avoid it as much as possible, but he’s also known that his daughter has a right to know the truth. So, on occasion, he’ll muddle painfully through stories about his relationship with Polly. Lily knows full well that her mother ran off, but that hasn’t stopped the fascination she has with knowing more about her other parent. If Polly does show up, Lily will want to meet her at least once.

  And Lily has the right to that.

  It’s just…so irritating! Over ten years, and now she chooses to show up! And, even worse, is the fact that Ethan obviously isn’t as over what happened between them as he should be. The very fact that he took to the bottle as soon as he got this letter proves this. He never got any closure when Polly left; all he got from her was a note telling him that she was leaving, and opposition from her family when he tried to figure out what was going on. At some point, her mother had stiffly brought over the divorce papers that Polly had already signed, and that was that. Ethan received everything in the divorce; the house, the furniture, even their accounts, as though Polly simply wanted nothing to do with him at all.

  After that, he spent the next ten years strug
gling to raise their daughter on his own. I shake my head. I remember standing at Ethan’s side the year before Lily was born, as he married Polly, his long-time girlfriend, struggling not to be jealous. He had been so happy. Yet a year later, it had all completely fallen apart.

  Now she’s back. My first impulse is to write her back myself and tell her to fuck off. Ethan and Lily have been doing well without her. They don’t need her back in their lives. All she does is cause pain wherever she goes, and it’s going to be worse now that she’s arriving with a brand new last name and demanding to meet her daughter who she was okay not seeing for ten years.

  There’s nothing good about any of that.

  I sigh. At the end of the day, though, it isn’t my right to get rid of Polly. Only Ethan can do that. And I have the sinking feeling that, for his daughter’s sake, he won’t.

  Chapter Seven

  Ethan

  The moment I read the letter, several emotions went through me.

  Anger, because how dare she. If she had sent a letter like this ten, nine, maybe even eight years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to see her again. But time passed by and it became clear she was never coming back. I still don’t know why she left the way she did. I don’t know why her family look at me with such disgust that they refuse to see Polly’s daughter other than at Christmas and on her birthday, leaving her with no real extended family after my mother passed away five years ago. But I put it all behind me to focus on Lily. Yet now she wants to come back? Over my dead body!

  Then there’s resignation. Lily will want to see Polly, I know she will. As much as I’ve come to despise Polly, and want her nowhere near either my daughter or me, I can’t deny Lily if she asks to see her mother. I won’t keep this from her. I’ll allow Lily to decide…which means I need to be prepared to see Polly for the first time in ten years.

  There’s also anticipation. If Polly is returning…will I finally get some answers? I thought I was okay with not knowing. But the way my heart leaps and hope curls in my chest makes me realize that I wasn’t alright with it. I need to know. Polly’s return is my best chance of figuring out what, exactly, happened when Lily was born.