Zero Regret

by Autumn Jones Lake

  “I’m worried about you being so far away now.”

  “You didn’t worry this much when I was in California.”

  He rakes his hands through his hair and blows out a breath. “Fine. You’re sure you feel safe and this is what you want?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. If you change your mind, though, you call me and I’ll come get you.”

  “Alex.” I’m desperately striving for patience. “If I change my mind, I’ll get in my car and go wherever I damn well please. What do you think Z’s going to do, keep me prisoner here?”

  “You never know.”

  A couple hours later, I send Alex home and text Z to let him know I’m on my way to the clubhouse.

  The area’s still unfamiliar to me and I miss the turn for the clubhouse twice before finally steering us down the right road.

  “Daddy!” Chance yelps as I pull into the parking lot.

  Z’s waiting out front, talking to a brother I don’t recognize.

  He lifts his head at my arrival and continues his conversation while making his way over to the car.

  “Is it okay to park here?” I ask as I step out.

  “It’s fine. Lilly, do you remember Rooster?”

  “I think so.” I offer my hand and he gives it a quick shake.

  “Things are quiet this afternoon.” He taps the back window and waves at Chance.

  “Good.” Sure, the last party I attended there were people basically fucking on every surface in the clubhouse. Certainly not child-appropriate. I glance at my son, wondering how well the clubhouse is cleaned in between parties.

  Z carries Chance into the clubhouse. During the day, when the place isn’t swimming in debauchery, it almost looks like the old hotel it used to be. Under the smoky scent clinging to the air, a whiff of chlorine and something musky lingers.

  I sneeze and Z raises his eyebrow. “You feel okay?”

  “Just dust or something.”

  To the left, there’s a small office. Z sets Chance down inside and explains this is where he spends a lot of time working.

  My gaze runs over the small, neat space. Desk covered with papers. Filing cabinets. Another small table in the corner. A couple of broken-in chairs.

  “So organized,” I tease. The files on his desk seem to be neatly stacked and arranged.

  “I’ll give Sway that. He’s not prone to clutter.”

  My roaming eyes land on a stack of envelopes and a bronze letter opener.

  The air in my lungs stutters and the room spins. I fall back against the door jamb, clutching my chest.

  “Lilly? What’s wrong?”

  “Mommy?” Chance cries. His little hands tug at my pants, pulling me out of the panic threatening to drag me under.

  I gasp and struggle for breath. I haven’t had an attack like that in…years. Why does it have to happen now?

  “Lilly, are you okay?” Z asks again. He places a hand on each of my shoulders, forcing me to meet his concerned eyes.

  I sniffle and pat my chest. “Must be allergies or something. Sorry. I’m fine.”

  He doesn’t take his eyes off me for at least a minute. “What do you need?”

  I have no idea.

  Z

  Allergies my ass.

  The clubhouse is far from clean. Okay, it’s a pigsty at the moment. But Lilly’s already spent plenty of time here and never had a reaction like that.

  My gaze searches the room, landing on the spot on my desk Lilly had been studying right before she freaked out.

  “Just thinking of looking at my desk again—”

  She said she’d been attacked in her office. Something on my desk triggered her to panic.

  “Mommy, are you otay?” Chance asks.

  She smiles and crouches down. “I’m fine, honey. Sometimes Mommy gets sneezy when I’m in a new place.”

  Bullshit.

  Chance seems to have the same reaction. He tilts his head, studying Lilly for a second, before wrapping his little arms around her neck for a hug.

  My chest is so full of both fear and love. Fear that I don’t know what to do for Lilly. Love for her and for my son.

  “I’m fine,” she assures Chance one more time before standing again. This time, her gaze, now somewhat defiant, lands on the letter opener. “Pretty old-fashioned tool for a biker?”

  I pick up the cool metal and drop it into the pen cup in the corner. The fucking thing is sharper than it looks. Don’t need Chance getting ahold of it. “Sway either robbed an office supply store, or Tawny decked this place out for him. He’s got all sorts of stuff.”

  “Hey, pal.” Murphy stops in the doorway and leans down to give Chance a high-five. “Hey, Lilly.”

  Needing a second alone with Lilly, I glance at Murphy, then Chance. “Hey, I’m pretty sure there are Popsicles in the kitchen. Maybe Uncle Murphy will help you find one?”

  “Ooo.” Chance’s eyes widen and he looks up to Murphy hopefully.

  Murphy raises an eyebrow at me, but holds out his hand for Chance. “Sure. Let’s go see what we can find.”

  “Subtle,” Lilly says after they’re gone.

  “Shut the door.”

  Scowling, she closes the door. “It’s not exactly the most appropriate time for an afternoon romp in your office.”

  The corners of my mouth kick up. Can’t help it. Even when I’m worried about her, she can make me laugh. Nothing I love more than this beautiful woman with her sharp mind and tongue.

  “Tell me what happened.” I don’t bother addressing her romp comment.

  Stronger now, she crosses her arms over her chest and pops her hip to the side. Fuck, she’s hot.

  “I told you.”

  “Don’t give me that allergy bullshit. I practically fucked you out there not that long ago and the closest thing to a sneeze your body did was coming in my lap.”

  She drops her arms and lowers her lashes. Hips swaying, she closes the short distance between us and pushes me back against the desk I’m leaning on. “Do you want a repeat?” she asks in a husky voice that has my dick standing at attention, begging, “Yes, please!”

  I drop my forehead against hers, staring into her eyes, inhaling her scent. “More than anything. But as you pointed out, not the best time.”

  I grab her hands, tugging her closer. “Tell me what happened.”

  “Nothing.” She pulls one of her hands free and rubs her fingers over the hollow at the base of her neck. “I’m not sure.”

  At least she dropped the sneeze excuse. That’s progress.

  Understanding dawns on me. “Something to do with what we talked about yesterday?”

  Her eyes harden and she steps back. “No.”

  “Lilly, I need to know, so I can help you.”

  “I’m fine,” she insists.

  “Please let me help you.” I’m practically begging now. And I haven’t begged anyone for anything in a long damn time.

  “I don’t know, okay? Yes, maybe talking about it after so long brought stuff up for me.”

  “Okay, but what?”

  Her hands curl into fists. “I don’t know.” She backs away and claws at her throat, struggling to breathe again.

  “Lilly.” Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean to push her right into another attack. Not sure if she needs comfort or space, I stand there with my arms curled around her body, but not quite touching.

  Finally, she rests her forehead against my chest and I gently rub her back. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

  “Why?”

  “This isn’t me. I’ve already dealt with this. It’s done. I’m fine.”

  I hug her tighter. Dealt with it is probably too optimistic. More like buried the pain so she could move forward and care for our son. I’m not a damn doctor, though, and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do for her. “Lilly, do you think you need to talk to someone?”

  She plants her hands against my chest and pushes me back. “No. Talking about it is what brought this on.” She glar
es at me. “I’m fine.”

  Maybe she’s right. She sure seemed to have her shit together before I forced the truth out of her. I hold up my hands in surrender. “All right. I just want to help you. That’s all.” I touch her face, grip her chin so she’ll look at me. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. I don’t want that in your head every time we’re together, Z. Please.”

  “Lilly, you’re the strongest woman I know. And I love you more than anything. Absolutely nothing will ever change that.”

  It’s not her I see differently. It’s the whole sick, fucking world. It’s that smug creep I did some research on this morning who’s laughing and smiling through his trial like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Who knows how many other women he’s hurt while the government’s been trying to take him down for bribes and kickbacks?

  Yeah, I know. For a biker, I have a real simple view of the world. Or maybe I expect too much from people. Certain concepts aren’t hard to grasp. Don’t hurt women. Don’t hurt children. Protect the people you’re responsible for. Seems simple to me.

  Maybe I’ve seen too much abuse and savagery over the years. I’ve never looked the other way. Not with strangers and certainly not with someone I care about.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Z

  “I need to go home,” Lilly whispers.

  My stomach clenches. She just got down here and she already wants to go back to her place?

  Before I can question her, try to change her mind, Murphy and Chance return. Lilly’s whole demeanor changes when she sees Chance. Calm seems to wash over her. She shines a bright smile down at Chance. “Look at your shirt, all orange and sticky.”

  “I did my best.” Murphy shrugs. “Washed his hands and face, but I think the shirt’s a goner.”

  “It’s fine.” Lilly straightens up and captures Chance’s hand. “I need to get home. I want to get our stuff unpacked anyway. Guess I’ll start with his clothes.” A thin laugh follows her excuses and Murphy cocks his head.

  Relief that she meant our home blows through me.

  “Will you be late?” Lilly asks me.

  “I’ll try not to be.” I’d planned for her to spend the afternoon here, but I can see how badly she needs some space. As long as she’s not running away again to get it, I can give her that.

  “I don’t wanna go,” Chance whines and pulls out of Lilly’s grasp.

  I’m torn. Part of me wants her to leave him here with me. But I also know later tonight the clubhouse will be busier and I sure as fuck don’t know any of the girls who hang around here well enough to trust them with my son.

  I squat down, so we’re eye-level. “I need you to go home and help Mommy unpack all your stuff, okay?”

  “But—”

  “I bet you can’t have all your stuff unpacked and put away before I get home?” Hey, challenging me not to do something has always been the best way to get me to do the opposite. Why would Chance be any different?

  “Can too,” he counters.

  I wiggle my hand back and forth. “I don’t know. You brought a lot of stuff.”

  He backs up and grabs Lilly’s hand.

  Lilly leans down and whispers in my ear, “He doesn’t quite grasp organization yet, Z.” Her lips twitch. “But I have a feeling he’s going to try hard just to please you.”

  I stand and pull Lilly closer, searching her unreadable eyes for some answers. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

  She gives me a soft kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be waiting up for you.”

  * * *

  “Everything all right?” Murphy asks after they leave.

  I’m still standing in the parking lot, watching the billowing cloud of dust left by her car. “I don’t fucking know.”

  Teller rides up, so Murphy and I stay outside to wait for him. “Was that Lilly leaving?” he asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “Had enough already?”

  I don’t care for the sarcastic edge to his question. “Watch yourself, little brother.”

  Because he’s a dick, he grins at the warning. Since I need something from him, I ignore it. “You still talk to your cop buddy, Liam?”

  Teller rolls his eyes. “He’s not my buddy.”

  I motion for both of them to follow me back inside and into the office.

  “What’s on your mind, Z?” Teller asks, dropping into one of the chairs and stretching out his legs.

  Maybe Murphy’s worried about an invasion or something, because he remains standing with his back against the door and his arms folded over his chest.

  “Your cop buddy’s still with Empire P.D., right?” I ask Teller.

  “If I’m buddies with anyone, it’s Bree.” He flashes a cocky smirk. “Much to Liam’s irritation. Why?”

  “He patrol any of the courthouses?”

  “I don’t fuckin’ know. Why? Liam’s as straight as they come, so if you’re looking to get at someone in custody, he’s not our guy.”

  “Right. That’s fine. I’d rather avoid him or anyone else I know.”

  “What’s this about?” Murphy asks. “You got a lead on who shot Sway?”

  Shit, I haven’t given Sway or anyone else a whole lot of thought since Lilly came clean with me. “No. This is…something else.”

  They both stare at me, but I don’t elaborate.

  “You close enough to chat up his fiancée?” I ask Teller.

  “Bree? If I run into her, sure. I guess. It’d be fuckin’ weird if I called her out of the blue, though.”

  “Heidi can do it,” Murphy says.

  Teller tips his head back. “Really?”

  “Yeah, they’ve been talking weddings and stuff since they met up at the Furious re-opening.”

  Teller shrugs. “There you go.” He stands. “You still need me? I’m supposed to meet up with Hustler to go over some numbers.”

  “No, go ahead. Thanks, brother.”

  Once he’s gone, Murphy takes his place in the chair. “What’s going on, Z?” His gaze bounces around the room. “Something to do with Lilly?”

  Anyone who assumes Murphy’s a big, oafish brute, or worse, a big, dumb teddy bear, is fuckin’ stupid. He’s often quiet but also observant when he wants to be. Perceptive too. It’s why he’s been such a vital part of the club since he was a teenager.

  “There’s a trial going on, but it’s got a lot of coverage. I only need a minute to send a message, but he’s gonna be watched closely.”

  “Okay. When and where?” he asks without hesitation.

  “The Federal Courthouse in downtown Empire.”

  “Jesus Christ, Z. You’re not kidding about it being watched closely. They’ll have federal marshals there along with local.”

  “Still needs to be done.”

  “All right.” He meets my stare head-on. “Whatever you need.”

  Lilly

  I fully intended to wait up for Z, but after chasing Chance around, unpacking more clothes than I thought I had, and getting Chance to bed, I’m exhausted.

  Intending to read until Z gets home, I slip into bed.

  Sometime later, the bed dips and a slight weight is lifted from my chest. Something thunks on the nightstand and I open my eyes to find a shirtless Z stretching over me to click off the light.

  “Sorry I’m later than I expected.”

  “That’s okay.” He settles down behind me, pulling me against him.

  “How’d it go?” he murmurs against my hair.

  “Fine. I didn’t explore the neighborhood much. Just unpacked our stuff.”

  He sighs and brushes a kiss against my shoulder.

  “Were you worried I wasn’t going to unpack?”

  “Worried isn’t the right word.”

  At least he’s honest.

  I’m flirting with falling back to sleep when he kisses my shoulder again. A soft kiss that rekindles my desire. I stretch long and hard, pressing my ass tig
ht against his groin. He groans against my ear. “Can we talk first?”

  “About what?”

  “The letter opener?” Z asks gently.

  Well, that snuffs out every bit of fire that had been building inside me. I should’ve known Z wasn’t finished with this topic.

  “I had something else in mind.”

  “We’ll get there.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He pauses and places his hand on my arm, trying to peer down at my face. “What’s that mean?”

  I turn toward him. “It means you haven’t wanted to touch me since I told you about it.”

  That was hard to say but it feels good to voice it.

  I’m aware enough to understand a small part of me needs attention and approval from men to feel good about myself. That I have a compulsion to be reminded that I’m attractive and desirable. Duh, I made my living as a dancer. I also hate this about myself, which is why I was determined to get an education and prove I wasn’t some shallow shell of a person. I’ve worked hard to understand I’m more than my physical appearance and that I’m worth more than a man’s opinion of me. That I don’t exist to please men, visually or otherwise.

  But old habits never quite die and I’m feeling needier than ever after sharing my secret with Z. My pride’s been shredded and that old desire to feel wanted comes crawling back.

  “That’s a lie, Lilly and you know it,” he says slowly and evenly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You’ve never hurt me.”

  “In here.” He taps my forehead. “Or in here.” He places his hand over my heart.

  How did we ever end up here? When we met, I wanted a good, hard fuck from a bad boy I’d never see again. How the hell did I end up with this sweet, complex, loving man permanently in my life?

  He’s so much more than I deserve.

  If I hadn’t resisted him so much in the beginning, resisted admitting we were more than fuck buddies, would I have been spared the horrible nightmare my life became? Would I have spared him the pain of not being there for his son?