Zero Regret

by Autumn Jones Lake

  He nods at Trinity again. “Instead of trying to pull him off from the outside, pull your arms underneath and explode outward.”

  Trinity does it so fast it’s hard to see and Jake has her repeat the move.

  He has her do it a third time, but this time, he captures her wrist as she tries to escape.

  “Now she has a new problem,” he says. “I’ll get to that in a minute.”

  He releases her and resumes the choke hold. Trinity tightens her body in a slightly different way. Bringing her elbows in to her side, she makes a swift duck and spin move to free herself. Jake grabs for her, but she’s already at the edge of the mat.

  “See?” He motions Trinity back to the front of the room. “I won’t choke you again,” he promises.

  “Liar.” Trinity stands in front of him with her hands on her hips. “Make sure you duck low enough, so you don’t hit his arm,” she says, explaining why that move worked. “You’re using the weight of your body against his thumbs to break the hold.”

  As she finishes, Jake comes up behind her and hooks his arm around her neck, dragging her backwards. “This one’s a little more complicated,” he says.

  “Jesus, this is hard to watch,” I mumble.

  Mara places her hand on my shoulder. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Jake wasn’t kidding about it being more complicated. Trinity needs several tries and a lot more effort to unravel herself from the hold. Jake explains the shoulder slip, the mechanics of why it works, and then has us try it on each other.

  “I’m too short to play anything but victim,” Mara whines.

  “I wish Aubrey could’ve come today,” Jake says. “She’d be perfect.”

  “I knew you had to have a girlfriend,” Mara says.

  “Nooooo, she’s my brother’s girl.” Jake holds up his hands. “But she’s about your size, maybe a little shorter.”

  “Damn,” Mara mutters.

  “You can try a stepladder,” I offer.

  Mara glares at me. “Not funny. All right, come get me.”

  Scared I’ll hurt her, I don’t hold on too tight at first. Jake shows me a better way to place my arms and we try it again.

  “Come on, Lilly. Don’t wuss out on me,” Mara coaxes.

  I squeeze tighter until she gasps, but she still works her way out of the hold rather fast.

  Heidi volunteers to kneel down for Mara so she can finally get to play attacker.

  “Good job, ladies. It’s good to practice different scenarios. Not every situation will be as calm and controlled.”

  “Nor will we be wearing comfy work-out clothes,” Mara points out.

  Jake taps his chin and pauses for a minute. “You make a good point. A lot of the stuff you ladies have to wear to work hampers your ability to properly defend yourself. Sully and I were talking about a class to address that, but not a lot of people want to ruin their work clothes. There are some things we can talk about. Like if you wear heels, using them to kick shins or stab into an attacker’s foot.”

  “So violent,” Mara jokes.

  “It’s a brutal world.”

  It certainly is.

  “All right, how about some floor work? This is more…intimate, so I’ll let you practice on each other.”

  I see what he means a few seconds later when Hope lies back on the mat and Trinity straddles her hips.

  Jake explains the basic premise and then the moves to ward off the attacker.

  “This is only because I love you,” Trinity says before wrapping her hands around Hope’s neck.

  “Jake.” Hope huffs, already visibly straining to get out of Trinity’s hold. “This feels unevenly matched.”

  “An attacker isn’t always going to be a five-foot-seven, hundred-and-thirty-pound woman, Hope.”

  “Oh, aren’t you sweet,” she mutters. “I haven’t seen a hundred and thirty since college.”

  “Stop yapping and start moving,” Trinity squeezes her legs tighter against Hope’s hips. “You don’t want the guys to show up to find me still pinning you down.”

  “Why?” she gasps. “They’d probably love the show.”

  “Triceps, Hope,” Jake reminds her. “Hug your elbows in. There you go. Hips up.”

  Mara leans closer to me. “I consider this foreplay in my house.”

  I burst out laughing. “Of course, you do.”

  “Same, girl, same,” Charlotte says.

  Heidi rolls her eyes. “Gross.”

  Hope grunts and twists. Even though I know they’re both friends, their struggle is hard to watch.

  In a burst of concentrated effort, Hope configures her legs just right. She gets enough leverage to flip Trinity onto her back and rolls on top of her. “Finally.” She thrusts her fists up in the air. “Phew!”

  Trinity reaches up and tickles her fingers over Hope’s ribs, making her laugh, and roll off her and onto the mat.

  “See?” Trinity jumps up and holds out her hand to help Hope off the floor. “Doesn’t that feel better than if I just let you win?”

  “Shut up,” Hope mutters. “Dammit, you’re strong.” She hugs Trinity once she’s standing and Trinity says something against her ear that makes Hope laugh.

  The realization that I’m a little envious of how close they are slaps me in the face.

  Heidi and Charlotte come down together on the weekends, so they’re pretty tight. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with them. Serena hasn’t returned to the clubhouse since the incident with Shadow. I haven’t managed to befriend any of the old ladies at the downstate club yet.

  “Who’s next?” Jake asks.

  Without thinking about it, I take a step back. No way am I letting anyone, even my friends, pin me down like that.

  “We’ll go.” Heidi grabs Charlotte’s hand and tugs her up front.

  “Wait, what?” Charlotte says.

  Jake squats down next to them. “Heidi knows how to get out of this one—”

  “Naturally.” Charlotte rolls her eyes. “So, I get to have my ass kicked by my boyfriend’s little sister. Fabulous.”

  “It’s not a competition, ladies.”

  It takes Charlotte a few tries, but she manages to flip Heidi over.

  “Who’s left?” Jake eyes Mara and me.

  I shake my head and back away slightly. Much to my embarrassment, Jake seems to recognize my reluctance and smoothly pairs Heidi and Mara together instead.

  There’s a light brush against my arm. “You okay, Lilly?” Trinity asks softly.

  “It’s a lot to take in. A different…mindset than how I grew up, I guess.”

  She stares at me for a minute like she wants to choose her words carefully. “There was a time in my life where it seemed smarter to be passive so I wouldn’t get hurt even more than…” She sighs. “You can convince yourself of all sorts of lies when your options are limited. ”

  I swallow hard and tears prick my eyes. I’m painfully familiar with those emotions.

  Her expression hardens. “Now, I’d rather die fighting.”

  I blink and stare.

  “I think we’ll call it good, ladies,” Jake says. “We’re running over our time.”

  Hope wanders over and curls her arm around my shoulders. “Have fun?”

  “Sort of.”

  A sweet baby’s screams pierce the air. “Oh no. That’s mine.” Hope’s easy, breezy attitude switches off and she runs out of the room.

  “She lasted a whole hour,” Heidi says. “Not bad.”

  Hope returns with Grace, Alexa, and Chance. Instead of the normal leg-hug I’d normally get, he follows Hope over to the corner where she sits down with Grace and pats the space next to her for him to join her. Alexa sort of side-eyes him as if she’s not sure she likes the addition to the party.

  “What did you think, ladies?” Jake asks us. “This is a class I want to do for our YouTube channel and maybe offer here. It’s a little more intense than some others.”

  �
�It makes you think,” I answer.

  He raises an eyebrow. “That’s good. I want you to always be aware and thinking through different scenarios.”

  “So, Jake, either the guys really trust you, or you’re incredibly brave to train a bunch of bikers’ old ladies,” Charlotte says. “Which is it?”

  He huffs a laugh and runs his palm over his stubbly cheek. “Both, I hope. Wrath and I have been business partners for years.”

  “Wrath’s trained me before,” Trinity adds. “But he’s…very demanding.”

  Jake chuckles. “Yeah, it’s hard to train your girlfriend or partner, you know? Either you’re too hard on them because you want them to do well or you’re too soft because you can’t stand hurting them.”

  “Wrath’s definitely the first one.” Trinity laughs.

  “You don’t say,” Jake deadpans. A little more seriously, he adds, “But also, if your partner has any kind of abuse or trauma history, the last thing you want to do is play attacker.”

  “Ah, I see your point.”

  “Any real man knows it’s not about some guy touching ‘his woman.’ It’s about the person he cares about learning some skills to defend herself.”

  That puts the whole afternoon into perspective.

  “That explains why none of the guys showed up,” Charlotte says.

  Jake laughs, “Yeah, pretty much.”

  When he moves away to answer some questions from Mara, I turn to Charlotte. “I’m starting to feel like the guys all got together and set this up.”

  “I’m sure they did,” Charlotte agrees.

  Heidi raises her hand. “Oh, I can confirm they did.”

  Trinity faces me with a much more serious attitude. “They both grew up around MCs. So did I. We understand the life.”

  I’ve never pried into Trinity’s past before. I’ve just always been drawn to her nice-but-no-bullshit attitude. Her realness. Now I’m curious, but afraid to probe too much.

  “You and Hope didn’t. This life can be rough on women.” She glances over at Hope and the kids. “I can safely say our men would kill to protect us, no matter what.”

  Such a powerful statement said in such an easy manner. I’ve never had anyone I trusted with my life the way I trust Z. Or believed anyone cared about me with that kind of intensity.

  “But we also live in the real world. There are more than just threats from other MCs. All you have to do is look around and see it’s not always safe everywhere.”

  How true that is.

  “We also have to live our lives, go to work, go out. They just want us to be able to protect ourselves as much as possible. So, cavemen or not, they’ll put our safety above all.” She lowers her voice and holds her arms out in an imitation of a caveman, “’No man touch my woman’.”

  “Now,” Heidi says, “if Jake put his hands on any of us like that outside the gym—”

  “You’d find me floating face down in the Hudson River,” Jake says over his shoulder.

  Heidi chuckles.

  “Or never find you at all,” Trinity says under her breath.

  While Charlotte and Heidi sort of drift away to talk wedding stuff, I stick with Trinity.

  “Trin, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, anything, Lilly.” She bends over to slip her sneakers on. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Does that…” I can’t seem to find the right word. “That hypervigilance to protect us… How does that work with other members of the club?”

  She frowns at me. “You mean, one of the brothers? Our brothers? LOKI?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did someone bother you downstate?”

  “Why do you assume I mean downstate?”

  She narrows her eyes. “For one, you’ve been spending most of your time there. Two, property patch or not, no one upstate would ever go near another brother’s girl intentionally. It just wouldn’t happen.”

  “Okay, so yes, hypothetically—”

  “Jesus, you sound like Hope.”

  “What would happen?”

  “If a member disrespected another member’s old lady? He’d probably get his ass kicked.” She touches my arm. “Be honest, are you worried about someone?”

  The last thing I want to do is get a reputation for starting trouble within the club. I have no doubt if I say something to Trinity, she’ll tell Wrath.

  “I was just curious.”

  She stares at me for a few extra beats.

  “Shadow creeps me out a little,” I finally admit.

  “I knew it.” Her expression twists into something almost murderous. “He is a creep.”

  “It’s just a few things he’s said. Coming from anyone else, they might be compliments.”

  “But you felt like you needed a hot shower after talking to him?”

  “Basically.”

  She tilts her head. “I’m surprised he’d try that with you. I imagine Z’s made it clear you’re together.”

  “Practically rubs himself all over me every time we’re at the clubhouse. And he had words with Shadow last time it happened.”

  “Hopefully he learned his lesson.”

  “Not really. They got into it over one of the club girls last week.”

  Trinity raises an eyebrow. “Really? How’d that go down?”

  I give her brief outline of the night. She smiles and shakes her head. “Gotta love Z. How’s the club been since that?”

  “Fine. Everyone went back to normal. I haven’t been there much since.”

  “What’s wrong?” Charlotte asks as she and Heidi approach.

  I glance around, but we’re far enough away from everyone else that no one should overhear me. “Nothing, I just had some questions for Trinity.”

  She drills Charlotte and Heidi with a harsh stare. “Shadow bother either of you when you’ve been down there?”

  Fuck my life. Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut?

  “I’ve only seen him once or twice,” Heidi says. “I’ve mostly been staying at the house when I’m down there. But I heard what went down with Serena.”

  “That asshole. Not only is he an asshole to the girls,” Charlotte’s voice is little more than a harsh whisper, “No one said it directly, but based on stuff I’ve overheard, I’m pretty sure he’s responsible for Teller getting shot.”

  Trinity raises an eyebrow.

  “What?” Charlotte shrugs. “Isn’t that the whole reason we’re down there? To protect Z and pay attention? Let him know if anyone’s going to threaten or challenge him while Sway’s out?”

  I’m not sure if she means “we” as in members from upstate or if she literally means “we” as in Teller, Charlotte, Murphy, and Heidi. Either way, I love them for having Z’s back.

  “Of course,” Trinity answers. “Just be careful.” Her gaze shifts my way. “Who you talk about it with.”

  I’m not offended by Trinity’s warning to Charlotte. There’s always the chance I accidentally say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. You know, like this moment right here.

  “It sounds like Z handled it. Hopefully that’s the end of it and everyone falls in line.” She sighs and focuses on me. “You’re bound to overhear stuff hanging around the clubhouse or even from Z himself. Don’t ever repeat any of it to a brother and be careful which old ladies you share anything with down there.” She nods to Charlotte and Heidi. “You can tell us anything. And of course, you can tell Hope. But anyone else, be careful.”

  “We try to watch out for her,” Heidi says. “When we’re there.”

  My gaze swings to Heidi.

  “Tawny’s still gone and only Angie still comes around.” Heidi’s nose wrinkles. “It’s mostly club girls.”

  “Yeah, definitely watch what you share with them,” Trinity warns. “You don’t have to be cruel to them, like Tawny was, but watch your back. A lot of them would kill to be in your place.”

  “Good to know,” I mutter.

  What about Z? Would any of the brothers
kill to be in his place? Would Shadow?

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Lilly

  Z assures me Shadow’s been on his best behavior since the Serena incident. Even so I’m a little hesitant to attend tonight’s party.

  I love him and I trust him, but I’m not convinced Shadow is no longer a problem.

  The club’s loud, the brothers rowdier than usual. More girls than ever seem to fill the place. Maybe news spread throughout the club girl grapevine that Z had cracked the whip and they could come here to party without the threat of being roughed up.

  Z’s alternated between sliding his hand over my ass and discussing an upcoming road trip to Texas with one of the brothers all night, so I’m not worried about the extra muffler bunnies.

  When he takes a break, I lean in. “I want to call and say good night to Chance.”

  “I’ll come with you.” The deep rumble of his voice suggests he’s interested in more than a quick phone call to our son.

  As if on cue, Hustler slams his beer down next to Z’s. “A word, Prez?”

  Laughing, I lean in and kiss Z’s cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

  The hallways are full of the usual noises. A few doors are open and I may or may not take a peek inside as I walk past them.

  Our hallway is quieter. Normally, I prefer that when we’re trying to sleep. Tonight, it gives me the creeps for some reason.

  My skin prickles and I hurry to open the door, locking it behind me.

  Heidi answers right away and we talk for a few seconds before she calls Chance to the phone.

  He only has a few short answers for me before giving the phone back to Heidi.

  “Thanks again, Heidi.”

  “No problem. How are things there?”

  “Pretty chill, actually.”

  “Good.”

  We talk for a few more minutes and I say good night to Chance one more time before hanging up.

  I stop in the bathroom, fix my lipstick, and run a brush through my hair. My slippers are calling my name. The five-inch platform heels are killing my toes. But they look much better with this dress than slippers will.

  Chuckling to myself, I close the door to our room and lock it like Z asked.