My Favorite Sin

by Lina Langley

  “Yes,” I say, my mouth dry. “I need to talk to you about what happened after you left.”

  He furrows his brow, then his expression changes. He rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Of course,” he says.

  “Cy, it’s not what you think…”

  He raises his eyebrows. “It’s not Montgomery making a pass at you after I left?”

  I cock my head and stare at him. This isn’t helping my anxiety. “Okay, I guess it is what you think,” I say.

  He rolls his eyes again, his arms crossed firmly over his chest. “Okay. Fine. Why are you here?”

  “To talk to you,” I say. “So that I can clear the air between us.”

  “Consider it cleared,” he says. “Now get out. I’m working on this song and I—”

  I stand up and turn around to walk away. I look over my shoulder to speak to him. “I get it, you’re mad,” I say. “But there’s no need for you to be this petty.”

  “I’m the one being petty? I asked you for some space and you’re here,” he says. “Just to rub it in my face that your roommate hit on you. Okay. Consider it done. The conversation is over.”

  I turn around to face him and look down at the floor. I’m almost ready to admit defeat. “I don’t understand why you’re so mad about this,” I say. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

  “You thought this was what I wanted?” he repeats, his voice croaking. “Great, I’m glad you’re making informed choices about what I want now. That’s awesome. I’m glad one of us has some say in this.”

  “Cyrus,” I say. “Listen to me, okay? I know you’re angry with me, but there’s no way for me to even start fixing whatever it is that you’re mad about unless you tell me.”

  He scoffs again. “You want me to tell you?”

  “Yes!” I reply. “Of course I want you to tell me. That’s why I’m here, talking to you. Otherwise I’d be at home, talking to…”

  He stares at me, his brown eyes shining. He’s daring me to keep going, but I know better than that. I quiet down.

  “Okay,” he says. “I’m going to ask you something. I need you to answer me with the truth and it has to be yes or no. I’m not going to take maybe for an answer.”

  I watch him, saying nothing.

  “I need you to promise.”

  I swallow. “Fine,” I say. “I promise.”

  He sits down on the far side of the couch. When he speaks, he doesn’t look at me. It feels like he’s not addressing me at all. “Are you going to pursue it?”

  Fuck, I have no idea what to say. There’s a part of me that wants to say I’m going to pursue it, because I like Montgomery. He’s hot and fun, and he’s exactly the kind of person I could forget about making a decision about with.

  But I don’t want to hurt Cyrus, either. If I tell Cyrus I don’t want to pursue Montgomery, I don’t want to even think about what that’s going to mean for our relationship.

  Whatever choice I make, everything is going to become even more complicated than it already is. Maybe I want to pursue Montgomery. Then again, maybe not.

  “Yeah,” I say. “I mean, the answer is yes, I want to pursue Montgomery.”

  He exhales heavily through his nose, leaning back on the sofa. He closes his eyes. I can see his throat working when he swallows, the outline of his long, thin nose. I want to go over there and hug him, but I don’t think it’d be a good idea for us to touch right now.

  “Good,” he says, finally. His expression has darkened and he’s not looking at me. “I’m happy for you.”

  I shake my head. “Not if it means you’re going to hate me,” I say. “Look, if me hooking up with Montgomery is going to affect our friendship, then I’m not going to do it.”

  He furrows his brow and stares at me. “Since when do you hook up with people, Alex?”

  I let out a shaky breath. “I just, I don’t know what else to call it, okay? I want something to happen between us,” I say. “I like him.”

  “A few days ago, you hated him.”

  “No,” I reply. “A few days ago, I didn’t understand that he was acting out because he had a crush on me. Not because he did hate me.”

  He scoffs. “Right,” he says. “So now you’re going to sleep with him, and what, not go to school?”

  “No,” I say. “Fuck, I don’t know. I just won’t, okay? Since it clearly bothers you.”

  “It’s not that it bothers me, Alex,” he says.

  Now it’s my turn to glare at him.

  “Okay, fine,” he says. “It does bother me. It bothers me a lot, okay?”

  I cock my head. “Why?”

  He shakes his head. “I’ve spent years, literally years, respecting the fact that you didn’t want to be in a relationship,” he says. “Then, okay, I admit it wasn’t the most mature way to go about it, but when I found an opportunity to pursue you, I did it. I know, I know I should have talked to you beforehand, but I was letting Montgomery take the lead and I just thought—”

  I hold up my hand. “You said you didn’t want anything to change between us.”

  “No,” he says. “I asked. I asked you if you wanted anything to change between us and you said… you didn’t. You didn’t even deign it important enough to answer.”

  I swallow. “That’s not it,” I say. “It’s just that I felt like the question was a trap. Any answer I gave you would have just made you upset.”

  “So what?” he asks. “Don’t you think I deserve to know the truth?”

  “Cy—”

  “It’s okay,” he replies, running his hand through his short black hair and sighing deeply. “I know now and I think that’s better.”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t realize you had feelings for me.”

  He scoffs, then licks his teeth. “Yeah, you did,” he says. “You just want to tell yourself that you didn’t because that makes your life easier.”

  “That’s not fair—”

  “I know,” he says. “It sucks.”

  I lick my lips and look away from him. I don’t want to lose him just because my roommate is a good kisser. “Can we still be friends?”

  He doesn’t answer for a while, so I turn to look at him. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t look angry anymore, he just looks tired and sad. “Yeah,” he says. “We can still be friends.”

  “Good. Cy, I’m so sorry about, fuck, about all this.”

  He sucks his cheek in and shakes his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it,” he says. “You’re gonna leave him anyway.”

  CONTINUE

  I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry at Cyrus. He had no right to talk to me about Montgomery the way he did. I understand that he was angry, but he has always supported me—until now. Until I’ve needed him to.

  I get it, this wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but he was acting rude and entitled for no reason. I tried to apologize, but he wasn’t having it. I don’t know why he couldn’t understand. I didn’t want anything to happen that would change things between us, but now it feels like everything is up in the air.

  It feels like everything in my life is hanging by a thread and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I wait in the living room until I hear Montgomery park his bike outside. I stand up and walk toward the door, practically sprinting.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Hello to you too,” he says, looking me up and down.

  “Your crush,” I say. “Can we talk about your crush?”

  His eyes widen and he shakes his head. “I mean, I guess so,” he says. “You’re already talking about it, so I don’t see how you’re giving me much of a choice.”

  “I choose you,” I say.

  He cocks his head. “You choose me from what?”

  “From… from whatever this clusterfuck is,” I reply.

  “Like food off a menu?”

  “No,” I say. “Not like food.”

  I watch him for a second before I close the space between us. He’s staring at me, his eyes wide. He isn’t saying an
ything, but I think he knows what’s coming. I put my lips on his, barely grazing him. It’s not a kiss, not really, our lips are just touching for a second.

  His eyes widen. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m telling you who I want,” I reply, my mouth still close to his. “This is why I’m not into him.”

  He chuckles, but he doesn’t move away. Instead, he presses his body into mine, pinning me against the wall. He grabs my wrists and holds them at my side, then bites my lower lip. “You sure that’s what you want?”

  My heart is racing and my dick is hard. I try to kiss him, but he moves his face away from me so I can’t reach.

  “Say it,” he says. His eyes are huge and light green, and he’s right in front of me. I can see the black ring around his irises, the ridges of his lips, the stubble growing on his face. “Say you want me.”

  “I want you,” I say quietly.

  His eyes narrow. “Say my name, choirboy.”

  I swallow. I don’t know what he’s doing, but this is working, because even though he hasn’t even touched me yet, not really, I already feel like I’m about to explode. “I want you, Montgomery,” I say.

  “Good,” he replies. He moves away from me so he isn’t pinning me with his body anymore.

  He kisses me on the lips, his tongue warring against mine in my mouth, his body inches away from mine. He moves away from me and his eyes glimmer. “Keep it that way,” he says. I watch him as he turns around and walks toward his bedroom, my mind racing.

  “Montgomery?”

  He looks at me over his shoulder. “What?”

  “What—what are you doing?”

  “None of your business, choirboy,” he replies. “See you later, yeah?”

  CONTINUE

  I want to call Cyrus to tell him what has happened with Montgomery, but I don’t think that he’s going to want to hear it. I know that he’s angry with me and I know that I deserve it, but I wish everything could go back to the way it was.

  I’m looking down at my phone and wondering whether I should call him when Montgomery comes out of his room. “Hey,” he says. Nodding at me. “You okay?”

  “Yes,” I reply. “No. I don’t know.”

  “As always, you inspire confidence,” he says. “What’s going on?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “Cyrus is mad at me,” I say. “I don’t know if you want to hear it.”

  He cocks his head. “Why wouldn’t I want to hear it?”

  “Because it’s about you,” I say. “Sort of about you.”

  He raises his eyebrows. “Well, now I have to know.”

  “He’s angry because I told him you confessed—”

  “Confessed?” he says, raising his eyebrows. He’s smiling at me before he speaks. “Like it was a deep secret or something?”

  “I don’t know,” I reply. “I didn’t mean it like that. He said I was purposefully ignoring him.”

  “Ah,” he replies. “He’s mad you friendzoned him? What a loser.”

  I feel a little angry on Cyrus’ behalf, but I don’t know how to deny that. That’s how it feels to me. Montgomery walks up to me and sits down at my side.

  “No one is entitled to your time, choirboy,” he says, draping an arm around my shoulder. “Not even your best friend.”

  I smile at him. I didn’t expect him to comfort me. “Thanks,” I say. “I appreciate it.”

  “No worries,” he says. “He’s probably just salty about the fact that you’re leaving.”

  “Salty?”

  “Yeah,” he says. “You’re leaving him behind to live your life, you know?”

  I look at him. “But he’s leaving me behind to live his life, too,” I say. “And I’m the one acting like a dick.”

  He laughs. “Don’t kid yourself, choirboy,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. “You’ve always been a dick.”

  “Thanks?”

  “It’s my favorite thing about you,” he says.

  I laugh and shake my head. This is nice, just cuddling like this, which is something I certainly didn’t expect from Montgomery. “Thank you,” I say. “I appreciate your help.”

  “I’m not helping you,” he says. “Not yet. Can I ask you something?”

  I look at him and nod.

  “So is part of the reason you’re not going to seminary because of Cyrus?”

  I watch him. “No?”

  He smiles at me, shaking his head. “You sound super certain,” he says.

  “I don’t know,” I reply. “I can’t pin down why I don’t want to go. And it’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s just that I’m not excited to go. Like when I got the acceptance letter, I thought I would be happier.”

  “You weren’t happy?”

  I shake my head. “No,” I say. “I was just confused. Everything felt, I don’t know, wrong.”

  “And now you don’t know if you should leave.”

  “Right,” I say. “But I don’t know why I’m here either.”

  “Sounds hard,” he says, then looks me up and down. “Do you want me to help you?”

  “Help me with what?”

  “Pulling the trigger,” he says.

  I look him up and down. “You would do that for me?”

  “Well, yeah,” he replies. “You want to leave. You just have cold feet. There’s no reason for you to stay here, right?”

  I lick my lips and watch him. I don’t think there’s anything behind his words, but I find Montgomery inscrutable. He always has a smile on his face, even when he’s angry, and he’s staring at me, his green eyes glimmering. I swallow and look at him. “No,” I say. “There’s no reason for me to stay here.”

  “Good,” he says. “Well, now that you know, you should go get your computer. We can get you all set up to leave.”

  I blink. “You’re doing this for me?”

  “Yeah,” he says. “Why wouldn’t I do this for you? Go. Get your computer.”

  He moves away from me. I take a deep breath as I tell myself that this is good, he’s helping me. I should be grateful. I try to smile at him as I get up. He smacks my ass as I walk away from him, which makes me turn and look at him over my shoulder. He winks at me. “Go,” he says. “What are you waiting for?”

  I walk over to my bedroom and grab my laptop, which is sitting precariously on my dresser. I grab it, pop it open and sit on my bed. “Montgomery?”

  “What?”

  “Will you come in here?” I say. I don’t know why, but it feels weird to do this in the living room. I want to be sitting on my bed, just like I was when I first got the news. When he walks into my bedroom, I’m glaring at the screen. It’s bright and I feel like it’s going to give me a headache.

  He sits down next to me, his arm touching mine. “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I say, not looking at him.

  “Good,” he says. “Don’t let anything get between you and what you want to do you’re your life, choirboy. If you want to spend the rest of your life sucking Jesus’ dick, then that’s what you should do.”

  “Christ,” I say, but I can’t help but laugh.

  “Exactly.”

  I shake my head as I look at the screen, but there’s a smile on my face now. I think my hands might be trembling on the laptop’s keyboard.

  This is what I need to do. I know it’s what I need to do. I type in my password and my computer takes a second or two to log me in. It’s enough time to make me rethink this. Maybe I can talk to Cyrus. Maybe I can make everything go back to the way it was.

  I look at Montgomery. He’s facing forward, looking at the computer and saying nothing. He grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Hey,” he says. “You got this.”

  I go on the seminary’s website, the green and blue logo prominent everywhere I go. There’s no way I can escape this now. I log into the site and click on the admissions button.

  This is it. All I have to do is put in a deposit and I’m in. I sigh as I look at what they need from me.

&nb
sp; I take a deep breath in and then a deep breath out. I haven’t realized this until now, but Montgomery is breathing at the same time as me. I don’t know why. He has no reason to be nervous. “You ready?”

  “Fuck it,” I say. “Might as well.”

  He smiles, but it doesn’t seem to quite reach his eyes. He puts his arm around me again and puts his head on my shoulder. “Good,” he says. “I’m glad you’re doing something that makes you happy.”

  He lets me go and smiles at me. His body is still next to mine and I can feel how warm his skin is through the fabric of our clothes.

  I take a deep breath as I finish inputting my credit card number and the website starts to celebrate, little graphic streamers appearing out of nowhere.

  Congratulations, Alejandro Del Bosque! We look forward to seeing you in September for orientation.

  There’s more after that, but I don’t read any of it. I slam my laptop shut, put it on my bed and stare at the wall.

  “There,” Montgomery says. “You did it. Aren’t you happy now?”

  “Yeah,” I say as I try to smile at him. “Yeah. Sure.”

  CONTINUE

  Montgomery grabs my laptop and puts it on the floor. He kisses me on the mouth, softly at first. Then he slides his tongue into my mouth. I open it for him, letting our tongues wrestle as his touch starts to send a shiver down my spine.

  “I always wanted to fuck you,” he says into my ear. “Ever since the first time I saw you.”

  He bites down on my ear, hard enough to make me groan.

  “It’s so fucking hot to know I’m the last person you’re ever going to have sex with,” he says. “Before you give yourself to Jesus.”

  I groan as he slides his hand from my chest to my groin, touching my erection. “It’s good to see you agree,” he says as he takes my erection in his hand, under my shorts. He licks the side of my neck until he has moved down to the nape of my neck. He’s moving his hand up and down my cock slowly, enough to send shivers of pleasure up my spine but not enough to do much else.

  “You know you’re mine, right?” he says quietly. “I could do whatever I wanted with you. I could fuck you and then have you begging to wipe my dick clean. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?”