The Soul of Time

by Jennifer Macaire

  ‘I don’t want to think about it. I feel as if my bones are made of glass, and I want to vomit every moment. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep.’

  Plexis stirred and a faint grin crossed his face. ‘That’s all my fault,’ he said.

  I turned to him, puzzled. ‘Oh? How so?’

  ‘It sounds like you’re pregnant again,’ he said, and then he started to laugh.

  Alexander grabbed his arms before he lost control of himself, and the laughter ended in a tired sob. Plexis let his head fall on Alexander’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m just as tired as you are.’

  Alexander nodded. ‘We’re all weary. Let’s go home now. I have my soul, I have the people I love and need with me. Here, Nearchus, carry Ashley. I’ll pick up your sword for you. Let’s go.’

  We squared our shoulders and made our way back to the camp. And for a long time my nightmares were assuaged by the glad cry of the child when he spotted his mother and by her exclamations of joy as she ran to meet him.

  I didn’t speak her language but she made herself very clear. She took off an ornate necklace of amber and gold and carefully placed it over my head. None of my protests could make her take it back. Her eyes were bright and her smile was dazzling. Then she kissed me and held me. She was a mother. Mothers know how to comfort. I cried like a baby in her arms while she crooned in my ear and rocked me back and forth. I was no longer Persephone the Terrible; I was just a woman who had managed to slay a demon and had lost my hand in a terrible accident. I was just someone who needed comforting. She brushed away my tears with her thumbs, holding my face in her hands, and she smiled at me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The other people approached me easily after that, patting my shoulders, touching my cheeks, and telling me with sign language how much I meant to them. After a few days of that, I felt almost human again.

  Axiom gave me a sleeping potion every night. I slept deeply without any dreams, but when I woke up I felt sluggish and dizzy.

  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t give it to you forever,’ he said to me one afternoon. ‘You’ll have to face your demons.’

  ‘I know that, but not tonight, please? I don’t want to face them tonight. I …’ I cast around for an argument. ‘I don’t want to wake everyone up, I’ll scream; you know how Alexander screams sometimes. He frightens everybody.’ My voice dropped.

  Axiom’s lashes were long and black, sweeping against his cheeks when he lowered his eyes, but he didn’t lower them now. ‘Ashley, the potion is bad for the baby too. I don’t dare give you any more. I’m sorry.’ He meant it. His voice was firm. ‘We’re here with you. No one will blame you for waking them up.’

  I stared at him, tears pricking my eyes. ‘It was so awful, Axiom, so dreadful. Yovanix saw it, and he will never speak to me again. He starts screaming, even during the day, and you have to give him the potion just to calm him down.’

  ‘Yovanix has lost his mind,’ said Axiom. ‘He knows not where he is, or who he’s with. I give him something to take away the knife-edge of reality, but I am weaning him off it. I only hope it’s not too late. If Usse were here, he would know better how to help him. As it is, his eyes give him terrible pain and his throat will not heal, he rips at the stitches. We had to bind his hands to his sides. I’m sorry, Ashley, but I don’t know if he will ever recover.’

  I blinked and looked down at the ground. ‘I didn’t see him in time. It was so dark. All I saw were the silhouettes.’

  ‘And just before that, Voltarrix blinded him.’

  ‘I don’t understand why,’ I whispered.

  ‘In a way it’s lucky he did. It gave Paul time to save the child. If the druid had left Yovanix alone, the child would have died.’

  ‘I know that, but can you imagine what Yovanix thinks? All he saw was me coming to cut his throat, and all the other men, immobile, with their heads sliced nearly off their shoulders. What do you think he’s going to believe? He thinks I’m a monster. And I am. Who else would have killed those helpless men?’ I began to shake again.

  Axiom put his hands on my shoulders. ‘No, I won’t let you say that. Helpless? Perhaps at that moment. It was the only thing to do. Voltarrix was a demon, you said so yourself. But please, try and think of the child you carry. I cannot give you any more of the sleeping potion. I’m sorry.’

  I took some deep breaths and was relieved to see I could calm myself. I managed a smile for Axiom. ‘All right, you win. No more sleeping potion.’

  ‘I think I’ll speak to Alexander and Plexis. I know what would help,’ he said. He spoke blandly but his eyes twinkled.

  ‘You do?’ I asked. Then I saw his grin. ‘Axiom!’ I blushed. ‘I keep forgetting how well you know me.’

  He laughed and shook his head. ‘Ten years in a tent with someone is probably a good way to get to know them.’

  I nodded thoughtfully. ‘And what about you, Axiom? Why have you never married? I don’t want to pry, I’ve never asked you about your affairs, but I have always been curious. You’re a free man, and a handsome one at that. Usse married Chirpa. Has there never been a woman to steal your heart?’

  ‘No, Ashley, never. My heart has yet to beat for anyone but my god. Perhaps someday, I will find someone I would love as strongly as I love Him, but that person has not yet crossed my path. However, I am a patient man. I know Yahweh never meant for me to be alone. I have lived with Iskander, Plexis, Usse, Brazza, and you as my family. Your children are my children in my heart. Yahweh gave me a choice, and I followed Iskander.’

  ‘I understand you completely,’ I said.

  ‘I knew you would.’ Axiom patted my shoulder. ‘Sleep, sleep, My Lady. The sun is still bright. Lie down, and if you wake up with a nightmare, the sunlight will give you comfort.’

  I slept then, and my dreams oscillated between horror and despair. But each time I opened my eyes the dazzle of light soothed me, and I was able to drop off to sleep once more.

  Then the sun set in an orange glow and Plexis and Alexander slid beneath the soft furs with me and held me. Wrapped in their arms, I forgot my fears.

  Axiom was right, I thought, a half-smile on my lips. I tingled all over with pleasure.

  Plexis moved gently against my back, and Alexander pressed himself against my belly and groaned softly. I stretched, making Plexis moan with pleasure.

  ‘Mmmm, move like that again,’ he said teasingly, giving me a nip on the shoulder.

  I felt a heat building in my belly, a heaviness that made me arch my back and open my legs. My breath came in quick gasps, echoing the breathing of the two men with me. We moved in unison, our bodies growing slippery with excitement. It flared up quickly; too much time had gone by since we had been together. Need made my movements urgent. I felt a throbbing start in my sex and let myself dissolve into its fulfilment. Plexis gave a strangled cry, his hands grasping my hips. Alexander groaned, driving himself into me. I felt them coming in unison. Another wave of pleasure submerged me and I shuddered in their arms.

  Afterwards, we lay in a comfortable tangle, our heads touching, our arms and legs entwined. I forgot my nightmares, my missing hand, everything. Alexander’s mouth roamed lazily over my breast, searching for a nipple. Plexis slept deeply, his face peaceful. There was a calm silence. The dawn had come; a pink light was building on the horizon.

  Alexander caught my eye and grinned. He suckled my breast, nuzzling and tugging gently on it. I closed my eyes, my heart starting to thump hard again.

  Something else was hard. I opened one eye and peered at Alexander. ‘Again?’ I mouthed.

  He nodded, a faint flush on his cheeks. He lowered his body onto me and moved sinuously. I arched my back, pressing up to meet him, my legs rising of their own accord to wrap around his back. I closed my eyes and saw only darkness. Alexander had chased away my demons. I let my head fall backward and abandoned myself to our pleasure.

  We sang the rest of the way back to Orce. The people of that time loved to sing. They sang a
s they walked, sometimes sad songs about the loved ones they’d lost, and sometimes glad ones celebrating battles and our victory.

  Most were made up on the spur of the moment; a man would make up a refrain and the song would be built around it. We had no official bard with us, but most of the men and women had beautiful singing voices. And Alexander came down with laryngitis, which cheered everyone immensely. He’d insisted on singing along. His throat was not up to it however, and he lost his voice. I didn’t know if it was due to his wound or to the prayers of everyone around us. Alexander’s singing was the worst cacophony imaginable. He thought he sounded just fine.

  ‘What do you mean hush?’ he’d say, a frown on his handsome face. ‘I sing just like anyone else. I know all the words.’ He looked superior. ‘I memorize words faster than anyone else,’ he said loftily. That was true. He knew all the words to all the songs he’d ever heard. Too bad about the tunes. He was totally tone-deaf.

  He lost his voice, and everyone else sang joyfully on the way to Orce; the children sitting on their father’s shoulders, the women wearing crowns of flowers in their hair, and the two Roman soldiers singing in a disciplined fashion with backs straight and heads high. Everyone sang, except Alexander, who had lost his voice, and Yovanix, who had lost his mind.

  Yovanix lay on his litter without moving, trying to keep from screaming in fright.

  He was still not well. He would wake up from a drug-induced sleep, thrashing his arms and legs and yelling hoarsely. We had to tie him to the stretcher, and we had to tie his arms to his sides so he didn’t pluck at the stitches in his neck. Stitches he could not understand. I tried to explain what had happened, but he panicked.

  ‘He’ll recover, don’t fret. The weird-woman of Orce will heal him,’ said Phaleria to me one afternoon. I no longer frightened her. She was more relaxed around me. Some of it was due to the little boy I’d rescued, and some of it was thanks to Demos who had turned his mind from warfare to love and was now wooing Phaleria with songs and stories. She walked with a spring in her step, a lock of red hair twisted around her finger like a ring, and her generous mouth in a wide grin. ‘The wise woman will greet us, and we’ll ask her to heal him.’ She shrugged.

  ‘As easy as that?’ I asked, a note of scepticism in my voice.

  ‘Of course! Don’t you think he’s handsome?’ she asked for the thirteenth time that day.

  I didn’t need to ask to whom she was referring. Demos walked a few paces in front of us, and he turned around and gave a coy wink every four or five steps. ‘He’s very handsome,’ I said seriously. ‘And he’s strong, kind, a mighty warrior, and never seasick. I think you two will do very well together.’

  Phaleria laughed delightedly and linked her arm through mine, startling me. No one had ever done that to me before. I stared at her in wonder, but she just tossed her head and started singing.

  Everyone was in a good mood because tomorrow we’d reach Orce. Already, we were travelling down a white dirt road. We’d passed three small settlements, and amazed villagers had greeted long-lost friends and family with joyous cries and tears. It was a fête winding its way down the mountainside towards the sea.

  However, I was still depressed. I hadn’t faced up to my own problems. Yovanix worried me, and Paul was still acting strangely. He had seen what had happened in the cave, and I think it had further estranged us. On one hand he thought I was wonderful for saving the child, and on the other I was awful to have killed helpless men. I knew how he felt. I held onto Phaleria’s arm and tried to join the fun, but my heart wasn’t in it.

  The sun was setting, turning the fjord into a golden lake in front of the bustling town. Boats bobbed in the harbour, torches were lit in the streets, and a huge feast had been prepared for our arrival.

  The townspeople came to greet us. In the front of the crowd was the weird-woman. She raised her arms above her head, making me shudder. However, she was no druid. She was simply waving joyfully, as was everyone else.

  The Valerians burst into song as we marched into the village. The weird-woman halted Alexander and touched his face lightly. Her hands brushed against the scars on his throat, and she shook he head from side to side, an expression of awe on her face.

  ‘What magic is this?’ she asked.

  ‘It’s no magic,’ whispered Alexander, his voice shattered. ‘It’s a way to heal a deep cut without fire.’

  She nodded and moved on to Paul. Her hands brushed his face and shoulders. ‘The young king,’ she said. ‘His blood is glowing brighter than the sun. Have no more fear,’ she told him. ‘A shadow of doubt darkens your mind. You must learn to rely on your instincts, not upon words. Come to see me tomorrow when the sun is overhead. We will talk.’

  Then she went to Yovanix. She was blind, so a young girl held her arm and led her around. I swear to you, most of the time it seemed as if it were the old woman who led the girl. Once next to Yovanix, she stood in silence with her hands hovering above his body, not touching him.

  He sensed her though, and he twisted and turned, trying to see with his ruined eyes.

  ‘Hush, don’t move. You are in Orce now. Can you smell the sea? The battle is far behind you. Now you will rest and get well.’

  ‘I can never get well,’ cried Yovanix. ‘My eyes are gone. I am lost in darkness now!’

  ‘There is the darkness of terror and there is the darkness of night; yours is in your soul. You will be able to live once more in the light when your demons have been exorcised. Fear not. I can heal you. Be still.’ Her voice grew in power, and Yovanix slumped back onto the stretcher.

  His body trembled slightly as she passed her hands over it. I stood nearby, watching. The silence grew and I glanced around. Everyone else had gone into the village. Only Alexander, Paul, Plexis, and I remained behind. The old woman waved her hands over Yovanix, crooning something in a strange tongue.

  I turned towards the sea and watched as the sun turned it to a bright orange. The houses were black silhouettes, the torches were spots of yellow. The longhouse echoed with shouts of laughter and song. A huge bonfire was built beside it, and a whole ox turned on a giant spit above a ditch full of glowing red coals. Sparks shot up in an orange fountain as another log was tossed onto the fire.

  The shadow of the mountain grew longer; the molten gold of the sea became navy blue. The festivities continued and Yovanix fell asleep, his mouth open, his face relaxed.

  The old woman stepped back and wiped her hands on her dress. ‘I can do no more tonight,’ she said. ‘He will sleep deeply until dawn. I will see to him again tomorrow. He has seen and lived through something no man should endure. But I think he will heal.’

  ‘He will be always blind,’ I said to her.

  She looked up at me. It was uncanny how she seemed to be able to see past the white clouds in her eyes. ‘Ah, the goddess speaks. Poor child, give me your hand.’

  I laughed mirthlessly. ‘I have but one to give you.’

  ‘One is better than none,’ she said simply. She took my hand and held it, her head tipped backwards, her eyes closed. A shudder ran down her spine. It was indescribable. I felt as if a thread were slowly being pulled out of the top of my head. I nearly jerked my hand away but she held it tightly. ‘No, let me finish. There are things I can see, things I can heal, things I can change. Yours are not the powers to change, you know that.’ Her voice was sly.

  I felt very faint. ‘Are you an oracle as well?’ I asked.

  ‘No, and I speak for no one but myself, but I can hear things that are very distant. A voice said that to you once before. Remember what the voice told you. I can only hear its echo, but it sounds like Balder’s voice.’ She shook her sightless head and smiled softly. ‘A sweeter voice there never was, and when he sings, the birds themselves are struck dumb with admiration. Listen. Close your eyes and listen, Child.’

  I closed my eyes and found myself in a green meadow. The impression was so strong that I could smell the grass and feel the warmth of the sun on
my bare head. A group of singers was walking over a rise towards me. In front of them was a man dressed in light. His hair was sunlight, his skin glowed, and his eyes were diamond-bright. He saw me and smiled, and then he sang. I have no idea what he said, the language was not mine, but it was the most beautiful music I’d ever heard. I recognized Millis in the chorus behind him. He stood taller than the other men and women around him, as he had in life. He was singing. For the first time I heard his voice, it was warm and vibrant and stirred my heart.

  The scene darkened and faded slowly. I waved goodbye and saw my hand was intact. The singers bowed low, sweeping the grass with their arms. They all bowed, even the golden man with the crown of sunshine. His eyes were shining stars. I knew who he was.

  ‘Apollo,’ I whispered.

  ‘Goodbye, Child of the Future,’ he said, his voice tender and laughing at the same time. ‘Goodbye, we shall meet again.’

  The scene faded completely and I was standing in darkness. I opened my eyes. The last rays of the setting sun were bathing us in a golden light. I felt warm all over. My body tingled and my eyes were full of tears. The old woman dropped my hand and smiled.

  ‘That was Balder,’ she said.

  ‘I knew him by another name,’ I told her.

  I looked down at my arm. My hand was gone, but somehow I didn’t care. It was only temporary, my mind told me, and so I listened.

  Chapter Nineteen

  We spent one month in Orce. We needed to recuperate. I was very weak and couldn’t eat anything. It was just the nausea of early pregnancy, but that didn’t help. I needed rest and food. I lay in a hammock slung between two white birch trees near a blackberry hedge and dozed. When I felt well enough to walk I’d go to the sauna and wash, and then take a quick swim. Even in summer the water was black and deep, and I was unreasonably frightened of monsters lurking beneath the obsidian surface of the lake.