Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “Of course.”

  I backed out of the room as she pulled the band out of her hair, letting it fall in soft blonde waves down her back.

  If Mom was home and Dad was awake, it was probably time for me to make my way back to the hospital.

  Forty-five minutes later, I was striding into my dad’s hospital room.

  He was sitting up and grinning about something my Uncle Grease was saying when I got my first good look at him. The tubes and wires were still connected to his body, but the difference from when I’d seen him the night before was startling. He looked like my strong, capable dad again, even with the lines of strain around his eyes.

  “Lilybug,” he called out when his eyes met mine. “Baby girl, you didn’t have to come home.”

  “Thanks,” I replied dryly, making my way into the room. “I feel so welcomed, so loved.”

  Dragon and Grease stepped back from the bed as they chuckled, giving me room to kiss my dad hello.

  “You know I’m always happy to see you,” Dad chided as he kissed my cheek with chapped lips. “But you’re in the middle of the semester.”

  “You’ll be happy to know that I’ve already left messages for my professors telling them I had a family emergency.”

  “What, did you tell them I was dyin’?”

  “Close to it,” I joked. “I even cried a little.”

  “Thatta girl,” Uncle Grease praised.

  “We’re gonna head out,” Dragon said, reaching forward to flick my dad’s foot. “Give you some time with your girl.”

  “Thanks, man,” Dad said with a small nod.

  “You need anythin’, just let us know.”

  “I will. Have Brenna and Callie check in on Farrah, would ya? She was keepin’ it together, but I don’t wanna come home to find out she’s got a tattoo on her face or some shit.”

  “Will do,” Grease said as they left the room. Then it was just me and my dad, smiling at each other until his face fell.

  “You know what happened?” he asked as I sat down in the chair next to his bed.

  “Yeah. Rose told me when we got here. How you feeling?”

  “I’m fine.” He grew quiet for a minute, staring at the wall in front of him. “Survived, yeah? Can’t ask for much more than that.”

  “You know it wasn’t your fault.”

  “Don’t make it any easier that she was ridin’ with me because she wanted to get home safe to her boy, and she never made it there.”

  “Boy?” I asked softly, swallowing hard. I’d never asked and no one had ever volunteered any information about Leo’s child. Even my nephews were old enough to know that Uncle Leo wasn’t brought up to Aunt Lily under any circumstances.

  “Yeah,” my dad said, watching me closely. “Leo’s got a little boy named Gray.”

  “Funny name.”

  “Yeah, Ashley liked it and somehow she got Leo on board.”

  “Cool,” I whispered, staring at anything so that I didn’t have to meet his eyes.

  “You’re gonna have to see him,” my dad said gently. “With all this shit goin’ on, you’re not gonna be able to avoid it, and it’d be shitty if you did.”

  “I already saw him,” I replied with a small shrug. “He was standing outside the hospital when I left last night.”

  “How’d that go?”

  “Fine, I guess.” I leaned back in the chair and finally met my dad’s blue eyes. “He didn’t say much, just walked me to the truck and followed me home.”

  “Makin’ sure you got home safe.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I was proud of ya for the way you handled things, you know,” he said, his mouth tipping up on one side. “You didn’t wallow in shit, just made plans and went through with them.”

  “Ran away, you mean.”

  “Got yourself out of a situation you weren’t ready for.”

  “Same thing.”

  “But I hope you’re not holdin’ grudges. Life takes some crazy fuckin’ turns sometimes. No one’s fault.”

  “I’m not holding a grudge,” I protested, picking at a loose string on my jeans.

  “You loved him,” my dad said easily. “Everyone could see it. But beyond that, you two were friends.”

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s gonna need a friend, Lilybug.”

  “He’s got plenty of friends.”

  “You think he’s gonna talk to Tommy or Will? I fuckin’ doubt it. He loves them like brothers, but there’s just some shit you don’t share with your brothers.”

  “Well, Cecilia might be coming up,” I said. “Maybe she can be the shoulder he leans on.”

  “That’s shitty, Lily,” Dad said sternly, making my head jerk up. “And it ain’t you, so knock it off.”

  “I know.” I shook my head in defeat. “But I don’t think he wants to see me, Dad. We were friends, yeah, but I left him.”

  “He always knew you would,” Dad said seriously. “Just didn’t anticipate the way you’d do it.”

  “That doesn’t make it any better.”

  “You’d be surprised at what a man can forgive when it comes to the woman he loves.”

  “He doesn’t love me.”

  “Baby girl, if he doesn’t love you then I don’t know what the fuck love’s supposed to be.”

  “If I see him, I’ll make sure he knows that there are no hard feelings, okay?” I said, trying to make him stop talking. “But he has a lot bigger shit on his plate than catching up with a girl he hasn’t seen in two and a half years.”

  “Good,” Dad said. “Cause I need you to stop by the clubhouse today and ask him to come see me.”

  I opened my mouth to refuse him, but when I saw the way his eyes had darkened, I shut it again. I wasn’t sure what my dad had to say to Leo, and it wasn’t any of my business, but I had a feeling that a meeting between the two of them was probably necessary.

  “Are you—” my words cut off as I tried to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. “Were you good friends with Ashley?”

  Dad smiled and snickered before freezing in pain, then shook his head. “You think your mom would let me be friends with a pretty, blonde, twenty year old?” he joked tightly. “No, we weren’t friends. Liked her, though. Liked the way she was with Leo, givin’ him a say in shit from the very beginning. Liked how she treated their boy. Liked that she made sure the club was a big part of Gray’s life like it was for you kids. She was a good girl. Loyal. Sweet. Didn’t deserve to die before her kid hit fuckin’ preschool.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad.”

  “Saw her, kiddo,” he said softly. “Tried to get to her before the ambulance got there.” He grimaced and shook his head sharply. “Nothin’ I could do. At least she was gone quick. None of that lingerin’, in pain shit. Just bam, gone.”

  I nodded and reached out, laying my hand on his good arm.

  “She wasn’t scared.”

  “Nah,” he said. “She wasn’t.”

  We sat there in silence for a long time after that, until finally my dad spoke up, his voice tight with emotion.

  “That motherfucker is lucky he was dead before he made contact, ’cause I woulda killed him.”

  * * *

  My mom showed up a few hours later, carrying a bag of my dad’s stuff, her hair perfectly curled and her makeup flawless.

  “Damn it, Ladybug,” my dad bitched against her mouth as she leaned down to kiss him on the lips. “I told you to get some fuckin’ sleep.”

  “Don’t like sleeping without you,” she replied, completely unperturbed. “So I packed you some stuff and had Callie bring me back.”

  “I told you to sleep,” he said again, his voice growing more agitated.

  “And that’s my cue to leave,” I interrupted before I had to watch war erupt in that tiny hospital room.

  “You go do that thing I asked,” Dad said, turning his head toward me. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, I’ll stop on my way home. What’s Charlie doing today?” I asked my mom. �
�Should I go pick her up?”

  “Not sure if she’ll want to leave Cam’s unless she’s comin’ up here, but I know she wants to see you.”

  “Okay, I’ll stop by there.”

  I said my goodbyes and left the hospital room just as my dad started in again about my mom not getting any sleep.

  There were only a couple people still in the waiting room. I liked to think of them as the skeleton crew, and I waved to them as I climbed onto the empty elevator just as the doors were closing. Now that my dad was awake and on the mend, there would only be two or three people standing guard and providing support until he left the hospital. They’d change throughout the day and over night, with everyone taking a turn.

  I felt kind of bad that I hadn’t said hi to Rocky and my cousin Tommy as I’d raced onto the elevator, but I just didn’t have the patience for small talk when I knew that I had to go find Leo. He hadn’t seemed happy to see me outside the hospital the night before, and I was dreading the reaction I’d get when I actually sought him out. Did he hate me?

  If I was in his shoes, I’d probably hate me. The way I’d left and never spoken to him again made me cringe. If he’d ever wondered about my maturity level when he’d finally given up other women and set his sights on me exclusively, he must have figured it out when I’d acted like a spoiled brat, pouting for months before finally moving away.

  His son had been born before I’d left, and I hadn’t made one attempt to find out anything about him. I’d known when the baby was born, but I’d refused to even acknowledge his birth. For me, they’d no longer mattered.

  Except they had. They’d mattered too much. And in my eighteen-year-old mind, his child had been the ruination of any relationship I’d dreamed of with Leo. Looking back, I knew how absolutely ridiculous that had been, to blame a child for the end of a relationship I’d walked away from willingly.

  I drove to the clubhouse in silence, not even turning on any music to drown out the white noise of the rain. I’d actually kind of missed the sound of Oregon rain. It didn’t sound or smell the same anywhere else. Rain didn’t make everything look clean and sparkly the way it did in Oregon, like it was washing away all the extras and leaving only fresh trees and sky.

  I waved to the prospects on the gate, and thankfully one of them recognized me so I didn’t have to roll down my window before they were letting me onto the property. There were cars parked all over and the garage bays were open, leaving space for Harley after Harley to park inside. I hadn’t really expected so many people to be there, but I guess I should have, since it was a Saturday afternoon.

  I parked and ran inside before I lost my nerve, then got caught up in a wave of greetings as I pulled off my hood and glanced around the room. It was like a damn family reunion that I wasn’t prepared for. Women stood up and hugged me as I made my way across the room, telling me how much they’d missed me and how glad they were that I was home.

  By home, I knew they meant the clubhouse that I’d refused to enter in nearly three years.

  When I finally made my way to the end of the bar, I stopped on my own and gave the old man sitting there a shy smile.

  “You’re a sight for sore eyes, lass,” Poet said quietly, his eyes soft on my face. “Looks like that school’s been treatin’ you well.”

  “It has.”

  “But now you’re home, where ya belong.”

  “For a little while,” I replied.

  “We’ll see,” he said, tilting his head just slightly to the side. “I’m bettin’ ya aren’t here to see me.”

  I shook my head and glanced past him at the archway that led to the bedrooms. “Is Leo around?”

  “He is, and he isn’t,” Poet said enigmatically. “Been in his room since last night, not answering when anyone knocks. Might open up for you, though.”

  “Probably not,” I sighed. “I have to try anyway.”

  “Good luck to ya,” he said, patting me on the forearm.

  I moved past him and made my way to Leo’s room, remembering exactly which one it was. Room assignments rarely changed unless there was a new president. I still remembered when my Grandpa Slider had Dragon’s old room, the best room. I’d spent hours in there with my Grandma Vera, painting nails and watching old black and white movies where people broke into song for no apparent reason.

  I knocked quietly on Leo’s door, then a little louder when he didn’t answer. After a full minute of silence, I knocked again. I wasn’t sure if hearing my voice would make him open the door or if it was more likely to keep him sequestered inside, so I didn’t say a word. Dropping my forehead against the wood, I knocked one more time and made the decision to walk away if he still didn’t open it.

  Just as I picked my head up and started to turn, I heard the deadbolt click, and then there he was. My eyes took in all the changes that I’d paid no attention to in the dark the night before. His hair was longer than I’d ever seen it, longer than mine. His face was scruffy with a few days’ worth of beard, and there were lines at the sides of his eyes that I’d either never noticed or never cared about before that moment. He looked older. Harder. Less like the boy I’d worshipped, and more like a man that I didn’t know.

  “What?” he asked quietly, his voice hoarse.

  “Hi,” I said dumbly. I cleared my throat. “Hey.”

  “Lily,” he said, his hands gripping the doorframe on each side. He looked like he was barely holding himself up. “Did you need something?”

  “How are you doing?” I asked, cringing at my words. “I mean, shit. I’m sure you’re pretty shitty.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I mean, are you okay?”

  “Hangin’ in,” he replied.

  “I j-just—” I stuttered, trying to find the words that would take us out from under this suffocating blanket of awkwardness and onto some kind of solid ground. “I just wanted to check in. Make sure you didn’t need anything, or—”

  “Don’t need anythin’, thanks.” He moved to close the door, and I panicked.

  It was the only explanation for the way I threw myself toward him, the way my arms wrapped around his waist in a stranglehold before I even realized what I was doing. His skin felt smooth, like it had all those years ago, but that was the only familiar thing about the hug I was forcing on him. His arms didn’t circle me like they would have before. His heart didn’t beat in a steady rhythm that would make mine calm.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, following through with the hug even though I was pretty sure he just wanted me to get off of him. “I’m so sorry, Leo.”

  “Thanks,” he said gruffly, his hands landing on my shoulders.

  He didn’t push me away, but his intent was clear.

  “I—anything you need, okay?” I said as I stepped back. I lifted my face toward his, but couldn’t meet his eyes. “I’m here for the week, and if I can help, or—”

  “Thanks,” he said again, this time a clear dismissal.

  “Right.” I backed away, my face on fire. I’d shuffled uncomfortably all the way to the hallway before I remembered what the hell I was actually doing there.

  I finally met his eyes again, because there was no way that I couldn’t.

  “My dad asked me to tell you to come see him,” I said softly, my stomach clenching as I watched his emotionless face wince. “Maybe you don’t want to see him. Or maybe you’re mad at him. But he really wants to see you.”

  “I’m not mad at him,” he said with a huff. “Christ.”

  “Okay,” I whispered, suddenly anxious to get the hell away.

  “Okay,” he replied. Then for the second time in my entire life, Leo closed a door in my face.

  Chapter 18

  Leo

  I was on my way to the hospital to see Casper and my hands were sweating. I wasn’t nervous. There wasn’t anything to be nervous about. But, hell, I wanted a drink.

  After I saw Casper, I was going to pick up Gray, and I knew without a doubt that I was going to deal with drama fro
m Ashley’s mom, Kathy. Drama that was going to freak Gray out and make me want to throw the woman through a wall. When I’d texted her earlier in the day, she’d gotten back to me an hour later with some shit about how Gray could spend another night at her house. After, I’d told her I’d be there in a few hours to pick him up. While she hadn’t come out and actually said it, I knew that Gray wasn’t going to be ready to leave when I got there and she was going to argue that shit for a hot minute before she gave up and let me take him. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

  I also wasn’t looking forward to whatever talk Casper wanted to have with me. I didn’t know if he was going to rip me a new one or apologize, but neither of those options sounded appealing when I couldn’t even get my head straight about what had happened. I knew Ashley was gone intellectually, but it still didn’t feel that way. We went days without talking sometimes, that wasn’t anything new. If one of us had Gray, and nothing important was happening, we didn’t feel the need to chat. Sure, I’d get picture messages and shit every couple of days if I hadn’t seen him in a while, but that was pretty much the extent of it. Knowing that Gray was with his grandma made it even harder to feel Ashley’s absence. There wasn’t any need for her to contact me.

  I wiped my hands on my jeans as I climbed out of the Suburban and lit up a cigarette as I walked toward the hospital’s entrance, giving me a few more minutes to stall. I needed to quit fucking smoking. I needed to quit doing a lot of stupid shit now that I was Gray’s only parent. Only parent—what a mindfuck. Never in a million years had I thought that I’d be doing that shit on my own. From the first second I’d known about him, I’d had a partner to depend on. Someone I could call in the middle of the night when he had a fever from teething and I didn’t know what the fuck to do. Someone to bitch to when he took a permanent marker to the walls in my apartment.

  Now it was just me.

  I crushed the finished cigarette under the toe of my boot and threw the butt in the trash as I walked inside the hospital and headed toward the elevators. I needed to get this shit done so I could go get my boy. I’d never before needed the feeling of his little body pressed up against mine so badly, the reassurance that he was okay, even though everything around us was fucking spinning.