Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  Mom and I chatted quietly to pass the time, but we didn’t hit on any particular topic. Instead, we just talked to listen to each other’s voices, trying to drown out the beeping that was inescapable. Nurses came and went, and the night grew darker, but we didn’t move until someone came in to tell us that visiting hours were over.

  They’d been over for hours, but I guess they wanted to make sure that I wasn’t planning on sleeping on the floor like a hobo.

  “I drove your dad’s truck,” Mom said, digging the keys out of her purse. “You can still drive a stick, right?”

  “Pretty sure it’s like riding a bike,” I replied. The summer before I’d left for college, my parents had made sure that I had my license and knew how to get myself around. It was a little ironic, since I didn’t end up doing any driving in New Haven.

  My ass was numb as I grabbed my bags and Mom’s keys, kissing her and then my dad as I left the room. There was always stuff happening at hospitals, people moving around and working and worrying, but there was something eerie about a hospital at night. Everyone talked quieter and stepped lighter, making everything seem hushed.

  There were still people hanging out in the waiting room when I got there, and I made the rounds as they stood up to greet me. Molly and Will hugged me and asked me how I was. Poet’s wife, Amy, grabbed me gently with a hand on each side of my head and kissed my forehead, but didn’t say a word. Poet didn’t notice me because he was dozing in the corner. I made my way around the room, letting them know my dad was doing okay and was still sleeping.

  As I stepped onto the elevator, they all sat back down in their seats and resumed what they were doing—reading, playing cards, messing around on their phones. They were standing vigil, and I knew that wouldn’t stop, not until my dad was completely out of the woods. The people would change, more would show up and others would leave, but there would always be someone there, waiting in case my parents needed anything.

  When I got to the front doors, I groaned and pulled my hood up. It was cold as shit in Connecticut, so I’d thankfully been wearing a jacket, but I was not looking forward to trying to find my dad’s truck in the dark and pouring down rain. I settled my bags more firmly over my shoulders and trudged outside, then almost peed my pants as a voice barked my name in the darkness.

  Chapter 16

  Leo

  She looked the same.

  She looked different.

  She looked exactly how I’d imagined she would.

  I called her name just once, but it was enough to make her turn in my direction and freeze.

  “Leo?”

  I couldn’t reply.

  I couldn’t say a damn thing as she moved toward my spot against the building, just outside the halo of light coming from the building’s entrance and barely beneath the overhang.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, her face screwed up in confusion. “Do you want me to get someone for you?”

  “What the fuck are you doing out here alone?” I barked.

  It wasn’t what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask her how she’d been, if she liked school, if she ever thought of me, if she knew that my entire world had just been upended. I wanted to tell her that the short haircut she was sporting suited her, that she looked older without the long braid hanging down her back. I wanted to ask how Casper was doing and if her mom needed anything.

  “I’m going home,” she said, stopping a few feet from me. “I just need to find my dad’s truck.”

  “You shouldn’t be out here by yourself. It’s fuckin’ pitch black.”

  “The parking lot is well-lit,” she replied softly. “Are you okay?”

  She stepped even closer, and I panicked.

  “Stop.”

  “Leo,” she said softly. “You look like shit.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not. Why are you standing out here?”

  I couldn’t tell her that I’d been too afraid to go upstairs. That I knew Casper was laid up there because I’d gotten into a huge fight with Ashley about Gray, and when she’d stormed outside, I’d been too fucking wasted to drive her home. I couldn’t tell her that the thought of seeing her for the first time in over two years when we were surrounded by people made me break out in a sweat, so I’d just been standing outside the hospital for an hour like a lunatic.

  “I’ll walk you to the truck,” I said instead, ignoring her questions.

  I moved forward, but stumbled back when she reached for me.

  I was too fucking raw for her to touch me. I’d let a lot of shit go over the past couple of years. I’d come to realize that she’d been completely right when she’d ran across the country to get away from me. She’d done the only thing she could have, and what I’d wanted for her all along, even if her execution had left a lot to be desired.

  But I knew if she touched me, the tight leash I’d been keeping on my emotions since Farrah had gotten that ambulance call from Casper after the accident would completely snap. I’d fucking lose it, and I’d lose it in a way that wouldn’t be good for either of us.

  “Don’t,” I warned with a tight shake of my head.

  “I’m so sorry about—”

  “Don’t.”

  She nodded and let me move around her. I’d seen Casper’s piece of shit truck when I’d parked earlier, so I led her in that direction. It was still weird to me that she could follow me without actually touching me. She’d been able to see for a long ass time, but I still remembered when she’d stand perfectly still in a place she wasn’t familiar with, afraid to move.

  “Thanks,” she said as we reached the truck.

  I stood there silently as she threw her shit in the passenger side and slammed the rusted door shut. She was so self-assured now, so confident in the way she moved. It was like watching a completely different person, and also someone I knew better than myself at the same time.

  “Do you need me to get anyone?” she asked as she moved toward the tailgate where I was standing. “Will’s upstairs.”

  “No,” I said simply. “Careful drivin’ home.”

  “I will. It’s been a while, so I’ll probably go ten miles under the speed limit until I get the feel of driving again.”

  I wanted to ask her why she wasn’t driving around in Connecticut, but I didn’t.

  I stepped back and let her go around to the driver’s seat, not moving again until she fired up the truck. Then I headed toward my bike that was fucking soaking wet from the rain. I should have driven the Suburban I’d bought when Gray was born, but I hadn’t had the stomach to climb in there without him.

  Following Lily home felt familiar and also weird as fuck. I’d never seen her drive before. She was good. She didn’t seem nervous or anything, but still really cautious. As we wound through town toward her parents’ place, I ground my teeth together to keep myself from screaming into the wind.

  My life was fucked. Once again, it had flipped on its axis in a single moment, leaving me grasping at anything that would right it again. And just like before, there wasn’t a single thing I could do to change the situation.

  I stopped at the end of Casper and Farrah’s driveway and watched as Lily carried her bags onto the porch. She must have known I was waiting, because she moved quickly, but she didn’t acknowledge me. Once I saw the light flip on and the front door shut behind her, I took off again.

  I had an apartment about ten minutes from the club, but I couldn’t make myself go there. I’d needed a place of my own once I had Gray, and the place suited me, but I had no desire to be there alone tonight. I hated sleeping there without his little body curled up next to me.

  I knew he had a bed at his mom’s. I’d seen it a million times. But I’d never felt the need for him to sleep anywhere but beside me. He loved climbing into dad’s bed to fall asleep, even if I wasn’t there yet. He was the type of kid that put himself to bed when he was tired, and more than once, I’d found him curled up under the covers with sticky hands and a thumb in his mout
h before I’d even thought to put him there. He knew what he wanted, and did for himself. I loved that about him.

  It only took a few minutes to get to the clubhouse and when I got there, the place was crawling with people. I wasn’t surprised. When something big happened, we congregated there, always. Losing Ashley and having Casper laid up in the hospital was big.

  When I got inside, I was surprised to find that the entire place had been cleaned from top to bottom. There was no evidence that we’d had a party the night before. Not a single beer bottle or dirty glass.

  People sat around the room, talking and hanging out, but I didn’t see anyone drinking. Tonight was a coffee night, if there was such a thing.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  My chest tightened and I searched for anything that would distract me.

  “Hey,” I said as I dropped into a chair across from Hawk and Tommy.

  “Leo!” Hawk blurted, jumping up from the couch. “Dude.”

  Before I knew what she was doing, her arms were wrapped around my neck, and my head was pressed against her tits as she hugged me. Because I was sitting and she was standing, there was no way to return the hug without touching something Tommy would knock me on my ass for, so I just left my arms at my sides and allowed her to hug me.

  “Come on, Heather,” Tommy said gently. “Let him go, baby.”

  I jerked when Hawk pulled away and I saw the tear tracks on her cheeks. She hadn’t made a sound or given any indication that she’d been crying.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I just can’t believe this shit is happening.”

  “Me, either,” I replied with a sigh.

  “How’re you holding up?” Tommy asked, pulling Hawk into his lap.

  “Barely,” I replied, staring at my feet. One of my boots had a streak of green paint on the side from when I’d spray painted Gray’s trike a few weeks ago. “I’m fuckin’ barely holdin’ up.”

  “How’s Gray?” Hawk asked.

  “Fine.” I shook my head. “He doesn’t know shit, and even if he did, he wouldn’t understand it. Tonight, he was just happy he got to stay with Ash’s mom.”

  “Is she going to be a problem?” Tommy asked reluctantly. I knew he hated to ask, but fuck, I understood why he was. Ashley’s mom didn’t like me, and she wasn’t going to be happy that I was Gray’s only parent now.

  “Right now, she’s just devastated about her kid,” I said softly. “Happy to have Gray there with her, givin’ her a reason to keep her shit together.”

  “Makes sense,” Hawk said. “He’s her only link to Ashley now.”

  “That’s what I’m worried about,” Tommy replied quietly.

  “I’m not,” I said with a shrug. “She can hate it all she wants, man. I’m Gray’s dad. She wants to fight me, she’ll lose.”

  “Ash wouldn’t want her to give you grief,” Hawk said seriously.

  I nodded. We may have had a casual relationship in the beginning, but as we’d worked together to raise Gray, Ashley had become one of my closest friends. I thought that it probably helped that neither of us was looking for more. There were no hard feelings that we weren’t a typical couple with a baby, no resentment or jealousy when one of us hooked up with someone else. I knew that the way we did things and the way we’d parented wasn’t the norm, but it had worked for us.

  We’d rarely fought about anything, and honestly, we’d gone out of our way to help each other out when it came to Gray. If I was on a run, she’d let me have him the minute I got back into town. If she had plans to go camping or out with her friends, I rearranged my schedule so that Gray could stay with me. It worked for us because we’d worked at it. Gray was the most important thing in our worlds, and we’d done the best we could to give him the most drama-free life that we could.

  I clenched my fists and breathed deep, fighting the tightness in my chest at the thought of never seeing her again.

  “I’m gonna hit the sack,” I mumbled, not meeting anyone’s eyes as I stood up from the chair.

  I didn’t even wait for their responses before I was striding toward my room. I needed to get away from everyone.

  The minute I closed the door behind me, a shudder wracked my frame, almost bringing me to my knees. I struggled to inhale air into my lungs, and the moment I succeeded, a sob broke from my throat. I stumbled to the bed and landed hard on my ass, my hands covering my face, trying to keep everything inside.

  Jesus, I couldn’t believe that she was gone.

  I couldn’t imagine my life without Ashley in it. I couldn’t imagine a life where Gray didn’t light up at the sight of his mom’s face, or fall asleep curled against her chest as she laughed. I couldn’t imagine not having that one person in the world to talk to that loved my son as much as I did.

  I didn’t know how to be a parent without Ashley. We’d figured out shit together. If I wasn’t sure how to deal with something, we talked it out. If I was feeling overwhelmed or freaked the fuck out, she calmed me down.

  I didn’t want to try to explain to my two year old that his mama wasn’t coming back. I didn’t want him learning about her secondhand and only remembering her face through the photos we had. He’d never remember how much she’d loved him and how much he’d loved her. I fucking hated that.

  I let the tears fall down my face, thankful that I’d made it to my room and locked the door before I’d lost it. No one would judge me, I knew that, but I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. I didn’t want them comforting me and smothering me with their good intentions. I just wanted to get it out. Purge the awful feeling in my chest that had gotten tighter and tighter as the day had gone on until I’d felt as if it would completely suffocate me.

  By the time my lungs had stopped heaving and my face was dry, I had a hard time keeping myself vertical. I’d been awake since the morning before, and exhaustion hit me hard.

  As I kicked off my boots, I let my mind drift beyond Ashley and Gray, looking for a reprieve, but the first thing I thought of was Lily walking out of that hospital in her brown coat, exhaustion and the bags she was carrying making her shoulders sag. She was as beautiful as I remembered. Her face looked older, more refined and mature, but she was still the beautiful Lily that I’d watched grow up.

  The irony of her coming home during one of the worst days of my life wasn’t lost on me. If I’d had any doubts that the universe had a fucking sick sense of humor, those doubts were gone now. The chance of something happening to Casper and Ashley at the same time was so fucking miniscule that it hadn’t been something I could have ever imagined. Sure, Casper was one of the brothers, and in that way we’d always be close, but Ashley barely knew him. We didn’t spend much time with the old timers outside of club parties and the garage, and it was pretty rare that Ash would even come to an event at the clubhouse.

  It had been the perfect storm, Ashley at the club for a party, our argument about Gray’s potty training that had turned into both of us pissed and defensive about our parenting, Casper deciding early-on not to drink because he’d had some stomach bug the night before. The scenario was so fucking unlikely that I couldn’t have seen it coming.

  And now Lily was back, fucking with my head even though I barely had the energy to think of her. It shamed me to say it, and I would have never admitted it out loud, but in those moments when she’d looked at me the way she used to, I’d felt for just a second like everything would be okay.

  Chapter 17

  Lily

  I spent the morning after my mostly sleepless night in my childhood bed on the phone with Yale, trying to get shit sorted so that they wouldn’t boot me out. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter what department I tried, everyone was out for the weekend. Eventually, I just left messages for all of my professors letting them know that I’d had a family emergency and promising to be back in a week. I just hoped that worked and I wouldn’t get punished. There wasn’t a whole lot I could do until the following Monday.

  I was proud of myself for taking care of thing
s, especially when Yale seemed so far away and completely unimportant. From the moment I’d stepped off the plane yesterday, everything seemed to have shifted, and somewhere between then and when I’d woken up that morning, I’d come to the scary realization that I wasn’t sure if I could make myself get back on a plane to Connecticut.

  I’d just gotten out of the shower and was towel drying my hair when my mom came home looking strung out.

  “Not a word,” she ordered tiredly. “Cody’s awake and made Callie drive me home. I swear to God, that man is bossy.”

  “He’s awake?” I asked, a small smile pulling at my cheeks.

  “Yeah. He was in and out all night, but he completely woke up this morning and immediately started bitching at me for not taking care of myself.”

  “Well, you haven’t,” I pointed out.

  “Doin’ it now,” she replied, scooting around me into the bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower and get this nasty hospital smell out of my hair, and then I’m going to sleep for a few hours.”

  “Sounds like a good plan,” I said, hanging my towel up. “You need me to do anything?”

  “No, baby,” she said, blowing me a kiss over her shoulder. “But I’m gonna sleep in your bed, if that’s alright? I don’t like sleeping in our bed without Cody.”