Text Wars: May the Text be With You ... (An Accidentally in Love Story Book 3)

by Whitney Dineen

  Hal keeps his phony smile in place. “Somebody needs more coffee so she can take a joke!” Before Lacey can respond, he adds, “Let’s get our guests out here. Dr. Ben and Serafina!”

  I gesture for Serafina to go ahead of me, then follow her out onto the stage. My pulse is racing as I return to the scene of the crime. I’m in the sports jacket and slacks I was supposed to wear last week, so at least I’ll be able to maintain a little of my dignity through fashion. Serafina is wearing a turquoise dress that hugs her curves in a way I should not be noticing. The crowd cheers as we make our way to the loveseat they have set up for us, and when we sit, we’re both pretty much pressed against the arms of the small sofa so we can be as far apart as possible.

  “Welcome back, you two. How has life been since your appearance last week?” Lacey asks. Before either of us can answer, she focuses her attention on me. “Dr. Ben, you were quite the hit with the ladies in the audience. Have you had anyone recognize you on the street?”

  Is no one else on the planet capable of staying on topic? “A couple people.”

  “You’ve been called everything from Dr. Hot Stuff with the Right Stuff to Astro-hotty,” Lacey says. “Astro-hotty! Isn’t that clever?”

  The audience takes this as a sign to start hooting and clapping. This is a clear-cut case of sexual harassment in the workplace, but I think back to what Alec said about getting revenge for my younger self and realize it’s not so bad to be adored.

  Hal cuts in, “And of course, Dr. Banana Pants is currently the network’s most popular hashtag.”

  On the screen behind us, they put up a picture of me in the tight yellow pants for the home audience to see. Perfect. I nod and offer them a small grin. “Well, that was last week. This week, I’m here to share a little about life on a space shuttle, even though I’ve never flown on one myself.”

  On screen, a video of the interior of the space shuttle cockpit appears on screen. “As you can see, a rocket’s primary function is to ensure safety during space travel. There’s very little need for interior decorating.” I hurry to point out, “When an astronaut is piloting a shuttle, they’ve got dozens of systems to monitor at all times …”

  “Well, it wouldn’t hurt them to spruce it up a little. Maybe with some bright colors and some curtains?” Lacey cuts me off mid-sentence. “What would you do to add more beauty to a shuttle, Serafina?”

  “First of all, I’d want to know the star signs of the astronauts who will be piloting it. Then I’d add some delightful touches such as soothing colors for the seats and buttons. Things don’t have to be ugly to be functional. I’d say they really missed an opportunity to make that cockpit have a homey feel — especially if your pilot is a Pisces. They thrive on serenity.”

  I scoff loudly and shake my head. “It’s a shuttle that will be flown by multiple pilots. Each of those buttons costs thousands of dollars and is designed the way it is for a purpose. There’s no room or budget to make it feel like a living room, nor should we. Astronauts must stay alert at all times.”

  Serafina glares at me, then smiles at Lacey. “In that case, NASA should have chosen a livelier palette that would help keep the pilots awake. Orange or yellow for instance. Dull grey is enough to put you right to sleep.”

  “You’re missing the point,” I tell her sharply.

  “And you’re missing whatever gene it is that allows a person to be open-minded,” she retaliates.

  “There’s no such gene, and if you’re referring to the differences between a fixed and growth mindset, that’s a learned behavior,” I say with a satisfied smile.

  “Strange that he can talk about having a growth mindset, but he clearly doesn’t possess one,” Serafina tells Hal, who laughs.

  Hal looks at me and says, “She’s got you there, Dr. Ben.”

  “I disagree,” I tell him. “People in my field are absolutely open-minded. We just aren’t open to nonsense.”

  Serafina tilts her head and looks at me for a second. “I think you were lying when you said you are a Gemini. You’ve got the bite of a Cancer.”

  “Oh, for…” I roll my eyes, not even caring how rude I’m being on television. “People’s personalities are a combination of genetics and environment. Period. There is absolutely no basis for what you’re saying. None. That’s like believing all blondes are dumb and all redheads have bad tempers. It’s simply not true.”

  “Are you a Cancer?” she persists.

  “You know perfectly well that I’m a Gemini.” Then for good measure, I add, “There is no empirical evidence for anything you believe.”

  “May I see your driver’s license?” she asks, not willing to let it go.

  “I don’t have to prove to you when I was born.”

  “So closed-minded,” Serafina says, shaking her head. “Sad, really.” Then she tells Lacey and Hal, “I bet he won’t even sign up for the trial run of my dating app.”

  “And I suppose you’re on it,” I scoff.

  “I sure am,” she says. “In fact, I have my first date coming up this week. It’s with a Gemini.” She says the last bit while glaring at me.

  I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose. “Good luck with that,” I tell her somewhat insincerely. Okay, totally insincerely.

  “Astrology is real, Ben. It’s steeped in thousands of years of exploration — which is far longer than the study of astronomy. It helps people all over the world to grow and learn and understand themselves.”

  “Desperate people may think they derive some benefit from it, but it’s all hocus pocus, smoke and mirrors.” Then, because I don’t know when to leave well enough alone, I add, “It’s like believing in some bearded God in a white robe. Just because you want to think he exists doesn’t mean he’s out there. If you can’t see it, taste it, touch it, or hear it, you must question the validity of what you’re studying.”

  Serafina leans toward me, her eyes wild with delight. “Are you saying you don’t believe there are an untold number of stars and planets in the universe beyond the ones we can see?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. That’s totally different.”

  “Is it?” she asks. “You can’t see, taste, touch, or hear them.”

  “Ooh! She got you again, Dr. Ben!” Lacey says.

  “No, she didn’t. Thanks to the Hubble telescope, we’ve been able to run a simulation based on the ingredients that make up the universe. Using the scientifically proven data for the conditions that reflect our reality and the laws of physics, we are able to calculate that there are at least two trillion galaxies in the universe. You don’t have to observe all of them with your five senses to know they’re real.”

  “Before Dr. Ben continues to blow our minds with his science, we need to take a commercial break,” Hal says. “We’ll be back soon with both of our experts. Stay tuned because there are sure to be more fireworks to come!”

  Fifteen

  Serafina

  “Pisces do well to decorate with more subtle tones. Sea-foam green, lavender, peach, silvery blues. All of these are reminiscent of the fish’s watery home.” I’m on fire with this “Decorate for Your Star Sign” segment. So far, Ben has said nothing since the commercial break, which works for me.

  “Do me,” Lacey gushes. “I’m a Taurus and I’ve got to tell you, I have not been vibing with my décor at all.”

  “Taurus is an earth sign,” I tell her. “You should focus on creams, browns, and whites as a base, while accenting with the colors of the sunset.”

  “Wow, it’s like you really know me,” Lacy gushes. “My decorator said I should go with bold colors to showcase my personality, but I’m just not comfortable with them.”

  “You don’t want your personality to be challenged in your home environment. You need a place to rest and regroup.”

  “Good God,” Ben mutters none too quietly.

  “You’re not buying this, are you Ben?” Hal asks, as though the pot needs more stirring.

  “Of course I’m not
buying it. As long as you decorate with things you like, your home will be fine.”

  “Do you spend a lot of time at home, Dr. Williams?” I ask him.

  “I work a lot, so I spend the majority of my time at my office. I sleep at home.”

  “And how is your office at work decorated?” I want to know.

  “I … it’s not. I’m there to work, not frolic in sensory fluff.” He crosses his arms in front of him like he’s in a suit of armor and I’m going to start hurling knives at him or something. Sooo tempting.

  “I would suggest you bring in some bright colors like yellow, orange, and chartreuse. These hues will resonate with your creative mental frequencies and result in a burst of cognitive acuity. You should also have modern and light furniture,” I tell him.

  “For the love of … Are you for real?” he demands. “I spend my days figuring out how humans can inhabit another planet. I don’t have time for this nonsense.”

  I ignore him and turn to Hal and Lacey. “Do you know what would be fun?”

  Instead of answering, they appear to be waiting for me to tell them, so I do. “It would be fun if we did a segment at Dr. Williams’ work where I redo his office in a way that works for his star sign.”

  “Absolutely not!” Ben snaps.

  “Why not?” Lacey wants to know. “I think it’s a great idea.”

  “I do too,” Hal enthuses.

  “How can that possibly enhance the lives of your viewers?” Ben demands.

  “It’ll give you a chance to show the world where you do all of your fabulous hypothesizing,” I tell him. “You might even manage to throw in some interesting tidbits about astrophysics.”

  “If there is such a thing …” Hal adds. His eyes seem to gloss over every time Ben opens his mouth.

  Ben gives him a hard stare. “Astrophysics is extremely interesting for those who can grasp the concepts.”

  Zing! Now he’s turning on the hosts. Perfect. Hopefully, they’ll decide they don’t need Dr. Grouchy anymore and I’ll manage to parlay this into my very own weekly segment. Mine, as in belonging to me, and not him. Now that I’m winning, I decide it won’t hurt me to play nice. “Dr. Williams is right,” I say. “People should start with the works of Carl Sagan and Brian Greene — totally enthralling.”

  Ben tilts his head and blinks at me. “You’ve read Brian Greene?”

  “Of course. The Elegant Universe and The Fabric of the Cosmos are two of my favorites.”

  “Huh, mine too.” For the briefest moment, it’s like we both forget we’re on live TV and we’re just two people connecting. But then he opens his mouth again and gets back to being the intellectual snob I know him to be. “The average person wouldn’t appreciate those books. The fact that you’ve read them is surprisingly impressive.”

  Raising one eyebrow, I say, “I’m not trying to impress you.”

  The audience makes an ooohhh sound and I can almost imagine a scoreboard on which I just got another point.

  "I find that hard to believe,” Ben says to me with a smug smile. “You’ve gone pretty far out of your way to mention two of the most famous astronomers in the world.”

  Nuts. Now he just got a point, didn’t he? I quickly shift gears back to my redecorating idea. “Not really, but how about we try to stay on track? We were talking about decor. I’d really love to redo your office. You’ll be surprised what a difference it’ll make to your productivity, Dr. Williams.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see the producer making a rolling motion with his hands which I’ve learned means it’s time to wrap up our segment. Hal turns to the camera and says, “We’d like to hear from you, America. Would you like Serafina to decorate Dr. Ben’s office? Let us know on social media.”

  Lacey interjects, “We could even have a behind-the-scenes look at what they do down at the Goddard Center at the same time. I vote yes, but as always, we’d love to hear from our fans!” She turns to me and says, “Serafina, we’re looking forward to an update on how your date goes.” Then, as if a light bulb has just gone off in her head, she says, “Also, viewers, let us know if you think Dr. Ben should sign up for the dating app.” She winks at Ben and offers, “I’ll do it if you do it.”

  Hal cuts in. “Coming up we’ll be talking with Santana Garcia about how you can spice up your bland dinner fare with a burst of culinary Mexican flare.”

  “We’re in commercial,” the director calls out.

  Ben stands, says good-bye to Lacey and Hal, then walks out without looking back at me. I give an innocent shrug to the hosts, bid them farewell, then follow him backstage. After the sound tech removes my mic, I hurry to my dressing room in time to see my phone light up.

  I grab it off the makeup table and see it’s a text from Ben, who is on the other side of the wall.

  DrBananaPants: I cannot believe you just did that. We’re supposed to come up with potential segments together. Not only did you blindside me, but you practically baited Hal and Lacey into demanding that I join your dating app.

  * * *

  LibraGrl: Would you like to talk about this in person? I’m literally only a few steps away.

  * * *

  DrBananaPants: I have no desire to let the world into my office. Unlike some people, I have real work to do.

  * * *

  LibraGrl: I’m going to ignore your obvious dig and take the high road. I imagine at this point it’ll be up to the network and your boss, won’t it?

  * * *

  DrBananaPants: I don’t want you to set foot into my office and I don’t want you to set me up.

  * * *

  LibraGrl: I don’t do the setting up. The computer does that according to your star sign.

  There’s a knock on my open door and I see Waltraut standing there. She reaches over and knocks on Ben’s door as well, then waits a second for him to open it. “I just spoke with the powers that be at NASA. The office redo is a go, but instead of live, we’ll shoot it ahead of time, then have you both on to watch it together and talk about it. Can you both be available on Wednesday at one?”

  I hear a sigh before Ben asks, “Why so soon?”

  “We need time to edit the segment,” Waltraut says. “So, Wednesday?”

  “Sounds great to me,” I say.

  Ben offers a more sedate, “Fine.”

  “Oh, and we’ve decided that having both of you on the air with Hal and Lacey is a lot of energy, so we’re going to just have the two of you do your bit from now on.”

  “Fantastic!” I gush with way more enthusiasm than I’m feeling. I’m preoccupied imagining what a giant pain in the rear Ben is going to be when I redecorate his office.

  Ben shuts down the conversation by saying, “I really need to run.”

  Waltraut says, “Ben, we’d really love it if you’d get on board with Serafina’s dating app. Our ratings would go through the roof if you did.”

  “Your ratings really aren’t my top priority.” I hear the door click shut and Waltraut turns to me. “He’s a total delight, isn’t he?”

  “Not the description that came to my mind,” I tell her.

  “Whatever he is, the viewers love him, and you, too,” she says. “You’re a real natural at this stuff, you know. Keep it up and you could end up with your own show.” Before I can thank her, Waltraut grabs a woman passing by. “You were told not to cook with cilantro today, right? Hal is severely allergic to it.”

  With that, she disappears, leaving me to contemplate the possibilities of my future. I knew when the sun aligned with Neptune, opportunities were going to become abundant, but this is a whole new level of amazing. When my phone pings, I look down to see it’s another message from Ben.

  DrBananaPants: I can only spare about 45 minutes on Wednesday. As I’ve previously mentioned, I have an actual job I’m expected to perform.

  * * *

  LibraGrl: So you said. If you want this to go fast, make sure to clean up your office so we can do a quick switch.

  * * *r />
  Dr.BananaPants: Fine.

  * * *

  Dr.BananaPants: Oh, and I hate chartreuse so don’t bring anything in that color.

  * * *

  LibraGrl: What was that you said about how open-minded you are?

  * * *

  Dr.BananaPants: One can be open-minded and aware of his likes and dislikes at the same time.

  * * *

  LibraGrl: Not if you’ve never tried something first.

  * * *

  DrBananaPants: Are you really so incapable of agreeing with a simple request? You got your way. We’re doing the silly segment in my office. Just give me this one thing without making a federal case of it.

  I don’t respond to his text because, first of all, rude! Second, I have a feeling he’d love chartreuse if he gave it a chance. It’s such a happy color and if that man needs anything, it’s a lift in his mood.

  Sixteen

  Ben

  I arrive at my office at seven this morning to ‘clean it up’ — as Serafina bossily instructed — before starting my day. I refuse to take a second longer than necessary for such an asinine project.

  When I woke up this morning, I remembered I was supposed to have already given Ewan my notes on his article for the Many Worlds space site. It’s a piece on the latest determinations about our nearest known Super Earth, Gliese 486. I’ve totally dropped the ball, which is not like me. Of course, I blame Ms. Lopez. My life has been thrown for a loop ever since she entered it.