Nobody’s Darling

by Nobody’s Darling (retail) (epub)

  ‘NO!’ She ran to the door and flung it open. ‘Stay away, Johnny. PLEASE STAY AWAY. From now on, you and I must never be alone again.’

  With her heart and soul poured out to him, she fled along the passage and out into the night. After the sultry warmth of that little parlour and the feel of Johnny’s arms about her the air struck cold and shocking on her face.

  He had started after her, but then thought better of it. She had made her feelings plain. She loved him, but she didn’t want him. It was difficult to comprehend. But then Ruby was different from anyone he had ever known. Tonight, when at last he had caught a glimpse of her love for him, she had cruelly snatched it away. There was something awful haunting Ruby. Something she had to work out of her system, all by herself. There wasn’t a family down Fisher Street that hadn’t suffered deprivation and poverty to varying degrees, and yet they were not deeply affected by it the way Ruby was. He loved her but couldn’t understand what drove her. He had asked her to marry him. She had rejected him. He was wise enough to know that she would only hate him if he pursued her. Time would tell, and he must be patient. And so, with a heavy heart, he watched her walk out of his life. And he knew he would love her always.

  * * *

  It was two o’clock in the morning when Ruby woke from the nightmare. Sweat ran down her temples and on to the pillow where she lay. In her dreams she was running towards Johnny, calling his name, wanting him, her two arms outstretched. The nearer she got, the further away he was. Something pulled her back, tugging at her, tearing her apart. Like a wishbone she was caught between two forces. Even when she woke, when the candle was lit and the window flung open to let in the cool night air, the nightmare still clung to her.

  Leaning on the wall by the window, absent-mindedly gazing out, Ruby so wanted to relive the night’s events, to feel again the strength of his arms about her. But she dared not. She thought of Johnny and her heart was sore. They were so right together. And they were so wrong. A searing confusion took hold of her. She was glad that she had put a distance between them. She was sorry too. Want him. Hate him. Love and fear. Powerful emotions that tormented her, throwing her this way then that until she longed to be free. Yet, always, there was another world out there, a world that she had only glimpsed and which was calling her.

  * * *

  Nervous and hesitant, Lizzie stood outside Billenge House. She had taken great care with her appearance, and now she looked bright and pretty, much younger somehow. Her greying brown hair was loosely curled about her round face, and her eyes sparkled as they hadn’t for many years. Her new frock had given her confidence, and the long-line jacket that had hung in the cupboard since before Lottie’s birth gave her a slimmer, taller look. From the back of the stairhole she had found her best pair of black patent shoes, the ones with the small slim heels and dainty ankle-straps. After searching the big box in the loft, she recovered her prettiest hat; she was wearing it now, a navy straw boater, with a wide brim and an upturned feather at the side. At first, when she’d seen herself in the old wardrobe mirror, she was both delighted and horrified. It struck her that if Ted was to walk in at that minute, he’d think there was a stranger in the house. That was the trouble with a long marriage and a lot of childer, she thought. After a while, the two of you grew heart-lazy, taking the other for granted. She had been thoroughly ashamed and struck with a terrible fear when she found herself wondering whether Ruby was right after all, to want more out of life.

  The memory of her own past overwhelmed her now. ‘Shame on yer, Lizzie Miller!’ she scolded, reminding herself that she and Ted had been together for too many years for her to begin doubting things. ‘You’ve got yourself a man to be proud of. He’s loved yer through thick and thin, and you’ve loved him back – washing his socks, fattening him up with the meat dumplings he provided, and proudly bearing his offspring. What more could any woman want?’

  She set her shoulders and put a grim expression on her face, her eyes raking the front of the big house. ‘It ain’t no good standing our here, yer foolish woman,’ she muttered. ‘You’ve come to have yer say, and the sooner it’s said the better.’ She took a step forward, then dodged behind the hedge when there was the sound of the back door being slammed shut. She knew that sound well for hadn’t she herself worked in this house and slammed that same kitchen door many times? She emerged once again and made her way towards the front door. She had never before entered this house by the front door. ‘God Almighty, what am I doing here?’ she asked out loud. ‘If he sees me, he’ll likely set the constable on me heels!’ It suddenly occurred to her that Jeffrey Banks would be highly embarrassed and possibly extremely angry at her for showing up here. After all, a man of his importance would not take kindly to being reminded of his indiscretions.

  Her nerve began to give out again. This morning, when she had set out from her own humble abode, there had been a fierce determination in her. She had to find out whether her long ago lover had discovered her fiercely kept secret. She needed to know if he had guessed that Ruby was his. And more than anything else, if he had found out, she must know what his intentions were. One thing Lizzie was certain of. If he meant to claim that lovely lass, it would be over her dead body! The thought of Ruby spurred her on. ‘Do what you’ve come to do, yer coward,’ she told herself, and with that in mind, went smartly down the path.

  ‘Yes?’ The newly appointed housekeeper was a woman of immense proportions with a face like rolling thunder. She eyed Lizzie from a lofty height, wondering what a woman of such common appearance could want at this door.

  Is the master at home?’ Lizzie held herself with pride. Now she’d made up her mind, she wasn’t going to be put off by no stuck-up creature that weren’t no better than she herself.

  ‘Have you an appointment?’

  Lizzie shook her head. Speaking in a firm polite voice, she answered. ‘No. I ain’t got no appointment. Would you kindly tell him it’s Lizzie . . . Ruby’s mam.’ When the woman seemed about to close the door, she added stubbornly, ‘Yer can also tell him that I ain’t leaving until I’ve spoken with him.’

  Wait there.’ The door was closed and Lizzie was left outside, to ponder on how Jeffrey Banks might greet her after all this time. She wished she was prettier, smaller of body and less stretched by the bearing of all them childer. Riddled with doubts and conscious of her many failings, she peeped in the small window nearby, preening her hair and setting the navy boater at an angle that would shadow the ageing bags under her eyes. ‘Do what yer like, Lizzie gal, she chuckled, ‘but yer still a faded old bloom, and there ain’t no changing it now.’ Her sense of humour rose to lighten her spirits, Silly old cow!’ she told the image in the window. All the same, she brushed her coat and nervously glanced down to make sure her shoes were shining.

  She was visibly startled when the door was flung open and the housekeeper appeared. ‘Mr Banks will see you,’ the woman announced. Her face told another story. It told Lizzie that she could not understand why the master would entertain such a lowly creature.

  Lizzie swept past her with a broad smile. ‘Sorry to disappoint yer, she said. The two of them went at a brisk pace across the hall and on towards the drawing-room. Lizzie was surprised to be shown into this room, because she truly believed he would prefer to see her in the more formal surroundings of his study.

  As the door was opened, Lizzie craned to see inside the room. He was there, standing against the fireplace, looking towards the door. His eyes met Lizzie’s and he visibly stiffened. His voice was authoritative as the other woman ushered Lizzie in. ‘Thank you, Mrs Addison. Will you please arrange for tea and refreshments?’ he asked. She acknowledged him with a small curtsey, afterwards reluctantly closing the door on them. It would have been nice to know what these two had in common, she thought.

  The moment the door was closed and they were alone, Jeffrey’s attitude changed. His features melted into a smile as he rushed forward with his arms outstretched. ‘Lizzie. Oh, it’s so good to
see you.’ His whole face was lit with delight.

  She was astonished. She was standing with her back to the door, unsure and afraid. ‘Yer don’t mind me coming here then?’ she asked with relief.

  His hands reached for hers, grasping them warmly. ‘Mind!’ He shook his head in disbelief. ‘I’ve wanted to talk with you, and I haven’t known how,’ he confessed. Before she could respond, he propelled her to the armchair by the fireplace. ‘Come,’ he ordered. ‘Sit down and let me look at you.’ When she was seated, he sat opposite and appraised her stalwart little figure, the long slimming lines of the dark jacket and the attractive angle of her navy boater. His gaze fell to her feet and the shiny patent shoes, then back to her pretty bright eyes. ‘You haven’t changed,’ he said with too much affection. ‘You’re still the Lizzie I knew.’

  She blushed deeply. ‘Away with yer!’ she remarked. ‘I’m far from being the silly lass who once worked in this house.’ Like a bolt from the blue, the picture sprang into her mind – the two of them naked, in his bed. Oh dear God!

  A knock on the door caused him to leap to his feet. ‘Yes!’ he called. Whereupon the door opened and in came the wretched girl with a tray laden with a tea service and a plate of dainty sandwiches. ‘Where shall I put them, sir?’ she asked sheepishly. Gormless and dithering, she remained by the door until he told her, ‘On the side table, I think.’ Nodding feverishly, she scurried across the room and did as he ordered. That done she backed out of the room in the curious manner he had come to accept. ‘Thank you,’ he remarked, and as she disappeared out of the door, she gave a little squeal that made Lizzie think the foolish girl had stepped on the cat.

  ‘I don’t want no tea.’ Lizzie eyed the silver teapot and china cups. They looked the same as when she used to fetch them for the master. Suddenly it seemed like yesterday. ‘I didn’t want to come here, yer know.’ She thought she had best explain that she wasn’t about to make a habit of paying him calls. ‘I came this once because I had to.’

  ‘Oh?’ He resumed his seat and regarded her with a serious expression. ‘Is anything wrong, Lizzie? Is it Ruby?’

  ‘Ruby? Why do yer say that?’ Her suspicions rose to the fore.

  ‘Oh, it’s just that – well, Cicely dismisses Ruby, and now here you are.’ He couldn’t take his eyes off her. All he could see was the lovely young girl who had enchanted him. ‘It hasn’t caused you any hardship, has it?’ he wanted to know. ‘In view of the way Cicely treated her, I did send Ruby a generous settlement.’

  ‘I know, and that’s why I’m here.’ Lizzie’s voice hardened. ‘I can understand why yer wanted to put a little more in the lass’s pay packet. But what I can’t understand is why yer should pay her a small fortune.’ She thought she saw a flicker of guilt wash across his face, and her fears were heightened. ‘I wanted her to give it back, but her dad said no.’ She deliberately emphasised the word ‘dad’. It seemed to affect him.

  It was a moment before he spoke, and when he did it was only to confirm Lizzie’s worst fears. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Lizzie?’ His voice was almost a whisper, and his eyes were suspiciously bright. The whole story was written there.

  At once she was on her feet. ‘What d’yer mean?’ she demanded in a trembling voice. ‘Tell yer what?’ She was clutching her bag so tightly that her knuckles were stark white.

  He reached out to still those trembling hands. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he urged, ‘I won’t shame you.’ He eased her back into the chair. ‘You don’t fool me, Lizzie. I know why you came here today.’ There was such affection in his face that she had to look away. She had come to this house praying that her suspicions were wrong, but now she was desperately afraid. His next words drove that fear home, ‘Ruby’s my daughter, isn’t she?’

  A small breathless gasp burst from her, and she couldn’t answer. She glanced up at him with tearful eyes. Biting her lip, she shrank back into the chair and her quivering fingers played with the clasp on her bag. But she didn’t answer. She dared not.

  ‘It’s all right, Lizzie,’ he murmured. ‘I won’t lay claim to her.’

  She spoke then, gratitude glowing in her brown eyes. ‘You won’t?’

  He shook his head slowly from side to side. ‘No, I won’t do that, he promised. ‘Oh, it’s not that I wouldn’t be proud to recognise her as mine. Ruby is a lovely girl, with an admirable character. She’s the daughter every man dreams of. But no, I would never do anything that would hurt you or your family.’ He asked her again, ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Lizzie?’

  She searched deep inside herself, casting her mind back over the years. At first, when she found that she was with child by this man, she had been tempted to tell him, if only to clear her own conscience. But she was wed, she was a maid, and the father of her child was gentry. That was a recipe for disaster. ‘I kept quiet then for the same reasons I’m begging you to keep quiet now. Besides, if I’d said anything, how was I to know yer wouldn’t take the child from me the minute I brought her into the world?’

  ‘If you think that, then you didn’t know me.’

  ‘I don’t know you now.’

  He smiled, ‘I think you do, Lizzie. You and me, we had something very special. I haven’t forgotten.’

  ‘Yer not to talk like that!’ she said in a loud whisper, at the same time glancing furtively towards the door. ‘It ain’t right yer should talk like that. What we did was shameful and bad. Besides, it were a long time since, and best forgotten.’ When he remained silent, she was unsure as to what to do. She felt suddenly vulnerable. Should she leave or should she stay? She discreetly regarded him. He was still a handsome man, still the same kindly caring soul she had freely given herself to. These past days she’d wondered how she would feel when she came face to face with him, and she wasn’t all that surprised to discover that she still held him in affection. ‘How did you know?’ she asked.

  The corners of his mouth curled up in the way she remembered. ‘Oh, Lizzie, how could I not see myself in her?’ Leaning back in the chair he let his gaze fall to the carpet. ‘At first I never even suspected. I liked her because she was good, and she reminded me of you. But then Cicely persuaded me to let her come to a party… she passed her off as a close friend.’ He saw the astonishment on Lizzie’s face, and was mortified. ‘You didn’t know?’

  ‘No. She never told me.’ It hurt her to think that Ruby had deceived her. ‘I never thought she’d keep something like that from her mam.’

  ‘Oh.’ Jeffrey cursed himself for revealing the truth of that night. ‘And would you have let her go if she had told you?’

  Lizzie’s mouth was a thin hard line. She shook her head fervently. ‘Never!’ she snapped.

  ‘Then it’s easy to see why she didn’t tell you. Young people are all the same, I think. They mean no harm, but there are times when they do the most foolish things. I mean, look how Cicely dismissed Ruby, and they such good friends. I know in my heart she will come to regret it. I expect Ruby regrets that night when she kept the truth from you. Don’t be too harsh on her,’ he asked. Then he demanded, ‘And don’t betray me, Lizzie. Don’t let Ruby know I’ve told you.’

  She saw how anxious he was, and realised that one good turn deserved another. ‘Have I your word that you’ll never reveal you’re Ruby’s father? Not to any living soul?’ When he nodded, she went on, ‘All right. Much as I’d like to, I’ll not tackle the lass about her little deception.’ She recalled his earlier words. ‘And what was it that made you think Ruby was yourn?’

  ‘On the night of the party several guests made the comment that she resembled me. Afterwards, when they’d all gone, I looked in the mirror and saw it for myself… the cut of her features more delicate of course but nevertheless there was a definite resemblance.’

  Lizzie agreed ‘Particularly round the eyes,’ she admitted, thinking how Ruby and Jeffrey had that same dark warmth in their smile.

  ‘It got me thinking… about you and me.’ He paused when Lizzie cast her gaze downwards. ‘
It all began to fit… how you ran from here and never came back. The news filtered through from downstairs, that you had given birth to a child some months later. Oh, Lizzie, I was so blind. It just never occurred to me. When I realised that Ruby was the right age, I felt as though I’d let you down badly.’

  ‘There ain’t nothing spoiled. Ted brought the lass up as his own. He never knew, and I pray to God he never will.’

  ‘I promise he won’t learn it from me.’

  ‘Bless yer for that.’ But Lizzie wanted more. ‘I want yer to take the money back.’

  ‘Why?’ His astonishment betrayed itself in his face. ‘Whyever would you want me to do such a thing?’

  Lizzie told him of her fears that the money could open doors which she would rather stayed shut, and that his own blood in Ruby made the lass dangerously ambitious. ‘She don’t get it from me, and that’s a fact.’

  Reluctantly, he explained that he could not take away the gift he had sent Ruby. ‘It wasn’t conscience money, Lizzie. It was money that Ruby had earned and richly deserved. It belongs to her now, and I can’t… won’t ask for it back.’

  As far as Lizzie was concerned, the meeting was at an end. She met his gaze with defiance. ‘Then you’re doing her an injustice,’ she warned, ‘Ruby is an ordinary lass, brought up in an ordinary way. Sadly for her, she sees a larger world beckoning, and it can only lead to pain. I thank you for the gift of my Ruby, and I thank you for keeping the secret between us. But I can’t thank you for putting temptation in her way.’ She gave a strange little curtsey which made him wince. To someone like Lizzie, old habits died hard. ‘I’ll be on my way now,’ she said, going quickly to the door.