Honoring Lena

by Sara Blackard

  Arne squeezed his shoulder. “I already am, son. I already am.”

  Marshall bit the inside of his cheek and turned back to the yard. Carter threw himself at Lena. The smiles stretched across both their faces had salmons flipping in Marshall’s stomach. He was ready to put his grief behind him and find a happy life with Carter. Maybe, just maybe, he could convince Lena to want the same.

  Twelve

  Lena sat on the outdoor loveseat she’d built with her dad in middle school and stared across the calm lake. Swallows danced and flipped through the air as they chased mosquitos. The flap of wings echoed loud in the peaceful night, and Lena held her breath as an eagle lifted from a tree and dove to the lake. Gosh, she’d missed this place.

  The midnight sun skimmed low on the northern horizon, stretching the shadows of the black spruce into long, twisted forms of the originals. She’d always said the short trees looked like a bunch of old men with long shaggy hair and hunched and twisted bodies. Now, as the sun filtered through the sparse limbs, she couldn’t help but think she’d come to resemble them.

  Being home with her family showed her that.

  When had she become so twisted and haggard of spirit? She’d always pictured herself like the black spruce on the other side of the property. They grew in rich soil that could support the roots and allowed the trees to grow tall and straight … proud. As a child, she’d lain beneath them, staring up into the crisscrossing branches, vowing she’d be strong like the trees she loved.

  Somewhere along the line, she’d lost a part of herself. She’d planted herself square in the boggy muskegs life had thrown at her. There was no doubt she was strong and resilient, just like the twisted spruce that grew above the harsh Alaskan permafrost. But inside, she felt dark, like she barely held on. As if someone could come along and, with one small push, knock her over, roots and all. Was it possible for her to get back into good soil, to find a way out of the frigid existence she now found herself in?

  She closed her eyes and breathed in the crisp, fresh Alaskan air so different from the Kentucky humidity she’d spent the last few months in. Could she let go of the burning need to avenge Ethan’s senseless death? His face flashed before her closed lids, the cocky smile that had said he could take on anything, even a stubborn, no-nonsense girl from the bush. She snapped her eyes open, her breath bottling up in her chest. No. She couldn’t dishonor Ethan’s memory by not doing everything she could. She’d already betrayed him with her growing attraction to Marshall.

  “Can I join you?” Her mother’s soft question startled Lena and proved just how out of sync with her surroundings she was.

  On the other hand, her ma had always walked on silent feet. She probably would have startled Lena anyway. Lena scooted to one side of the bench and shrugged.

  “Thought you’d be in bed by now.” Lena peeked up at her ma. The yoga pants and sweatshirt didn’t diminish her regal posture.

  Lena and her sisters had often speculated that their ma descended from some tribal royalty, a princess warrior from their Athabaskan past. The Rebel sisters varied in their appearances. Lena and Sunny took after their mom, while Astryd was more fair like their Norwegian father. Yet, they all had wanted to be like Ma. They’d marveled at their mother’s strength and how she was smarter, braver, and more beautiful than most people they knew. The years since Lena’s childhood hadn’t changed her mother much, but for maybe a few more laugh lines around her eyes.

  Ma sat and turned to Lena, the merriment that had so often filled their home replaced by lines of worry. “Why are you out here after midnight staring off across the lake?”

  Lena shrugged. “Just couldn’t sleep is all.”

  “No, it’s more than that.” Her ma pushed Lena’s hair behind her shoulder.

  Lena took a deep breath, stalling while she gathered her thoughts. But the more she tried to reign them in, the more they scattered and rolled about like a dumped bucket of cranberries. She huffed in frustration.

  “I’m just confused, I guess.” Maybe she could tell her mom part of her troubles, then scurry away and hide before Ma ferreted out all of her thoughts. “I had plans to join this special team hunting down the people who are conspiring against the nation, the ones responsible for Ethan’s death, but now I’m here, with no clue how long we’ll be holed up on the mountain.”

  Her mom nodded and gazed across the lake. “Why does that bother you? Do you not want to keep Carter and his dad safe?”

  “No, it’s not that.”

  “Are you worried about protecting them?” Ma’s calm question rattled Lena.

  “No.”

  “Are they horrible people?”

  “Ma, please, you’ve met them.” Lena rolled her eyes.

  “Then why are you wanting to go somewhere else when you are needed here?”

  “Because …” Lena grasped for a plausible reason before blurting out what was on her heart. “Because how can I find vengeance for Ethan’s death when I’m not out there searching for those who took him from me? How can I work for the man whose vote put the bullet in Ethan’s chest? How can I—”

  She stopped herself before she said any more. She couldn’t say what she’d been thinking. She could never take it back once it was out.

  “How can you betray Ethan by being attracted to Marshall?” Her mom’s soft question snapped Lena’s head back like a jab to the nose.

  A lump formed in her throat as she shook her head in denial.

  “Please, Lena. That man is hotter than a sled dog in July.”

  Lena snorted, choking as she inhaled. “Ma!”

  They laughed, the sound floating across the smooth water to flit about with the swallows. Lena crossed her ankles and clenched her fingers around the edge of the seat. It didn’t matter how hot Marshall was. Guilt weighed heavily on her and curved her shoulders inward. How could she possibly find anything about him attractive when he hadn’t stood behind the military like he’d promised?

  Lena stared at the grass in front of her feet. She had to be the most disloyal person she knew. She needed to stuff down these traitorous feelings for Marshall, didn’t she? She couldn’t be attracted to the enemy, the man who betrayed his country and the men and women protecting it. What kind of soldier was she if she did? What kind of fiancée? Her nose tingled and eyes burned with emotions she refused to let fall.

  “Did you know I was engaged before your father?” Ma pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.

  Lena turned her head to her ma, searching for any mention of a fiancé in her memories. “I thought you and Dad had been high school sweethearts?”

  A pained expression crossed her ma’s face. “No. We weren’t.”

  “But Dad always says he loved you since you were kids.” Her skin tingled with the discomfort of the falsehood. Why had her parents lied all these years?

  “He did.” Ma sighed. “I loved him, too, just not in the way he loved me. He was my best friend. We did everything together growing up. Living up in Chicken, year-round gold mining didn’t leave us with a lot of options for friends. Not that it would’ve mattered. Your father and I were stuck like glue from the moment his family moved up there.”

  Lena tucked her foot under her knee and twisted on the seat so she could really look at her ma. If she was going to find out her idea of a perfect relationship was about to fall apart, she wanted to face the news head on. Did she want to know the truth? Maybe she should stop her ma from telling her story.

  “A new family showed up in Chicken for the summer when I was a freshman in high school. Their son, James, was your dad’s age and fit right in with us, traipsed around the wilderness until he left with his family for their winter home.” A small smile lifted one side of Ma’s mouth. “The next summer when he returned, something had shifted between us. James and I started dating.” She shook her head. “I could tell it upset your father, but, at the time, I didn’t understand why, and he never told me. I just chalked it up to the horm
ones of a seventeen-year-old boy.” Her voice grew quiet. “But really, I just didn’t want to see how I had hurt Arne.”

  Ma paused and stared across the lake. The silence stretched between them, and Lena wondered if she’d hear the rest of the story. She knew life growing up in the small gold-mining community had been a different lifestyle than she understood. The summer exploding the population to over a hundred, with people coming in to mine the Forty Mile district, then winter dwindling the community to a handful of resilient families who loved being isolated from the world. Few kids lived up there year-round. From Dad’s childhood tales, all he had was Ma, and Lena couldn’t imagine his heartache when her ma started dating someone other than him, especially someone who was a part-timer.

  “Anyway, James and I got engaged the next summer.” Ma pulled the cuffs of her sweatshirt over her hands.

  “But you were only sixteen!” Lena’s mouth gaped open.

  “That didn’t matter. We were in love, and it was a different time.” Ma waved it away like it was no big deal. “He and Arne were going off to college in the fall, and James had a plan. He’d do his first year at college, then we’d get married the next summer. I’d be done with high school by then, since I was doubling up, so we could go to college together.”

  “What happened?”

  “Your dad and James went bear hunting one evening.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “They were walking into the bait stand when a grizzly charged out of the brush. Your father stumbled and tripped, and, well, he accidentally shot James.”

  Lena gasped and covered her mouth. Her poor father. How horrible that must have been. His intense training on gun safety made sense now.

  “I hated your dad, was convinced he did it out of jealousy.” Ma winced and closed her eyes. “I was so angry and hurt. The sadness and grief just consumed me until all I saw was hate. I never thought about what Arne was going through, the guilt he carried. All I thought about was my own pain.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

  “It’s not something your dad talks about.” Ma shrugged. “As a soldier, you know how that is, Lena. There are some hurts where getting past them means leaving them in the past.”

  Hadn’t Lena seen that over and over again with her military friends? They got help or talked to someone so they could leave the pain behind. Why hadn’t she done that with her own hurt? She had so many regrets pushed down deep, so many soldiers she hadn’t been able to save, most of all Ethan. It surprised her they all didn’t explode within her. How could her ma have ever forgiven her dad?

  “But you married Dad.” She recoiled at the condemnation in her voice.

  “It took me a long time and God forcing us together for me to realize my inability to forgive him not only punished Arne for something he already held more guilt than he should, but had also made me into a bitter, unpleasant person.” Her ma’s words cut a little too close to Lena’s heart. “We’re a lot the same, Lena. We have a tendency to hold on to things we should let go of.”

  “I can’t let Ethan go.” Her chest ached, and she pressed a hand over her heart to hold it in. “Besides, what happened with Dad was an accident. Marshall made a conscious decision to vote that horrid bill in.”

  “From what your Dad told me after talking with the man, he’s been doing everything he can to make up for that mistake.” Ma’s voice was steeped with lenience that a mother of seven rambunctious kids developed over constant tests to her patience. “Have you ever even talked to him about it, or have you just been caught up in your own misery?”

  “He’s my boss.” Lena stood abruptly and stalked to the edge of the lake. “I don’t need to know his reasons. All I need to do is focus on the job.”

  “You’ve never had a problem with focus, Lena. That’s for sure.”

  The creak of the wooden bench caused Lena to tense. She didn’t want to think about this anymore. She couldn’t handle the emotions over Marshall and her grief and guilt simmering below the surface, let alone the mix her ma’s story had thrown in. If she didn’t tighten the lid on herself, she worried it’d all boil over. How could she do her job and keep Carter safe if that happened?

  Her ma’s hand gently squeezed her shoulder. “I wonder, though, if you’re focusing on the wrong things?” She wrapped Lena’s shoulders in a one-armed hug. “Don’t let your inability to forgive darken your heart, Lena. You won’t find all the blessings meant for your future if you do.” She kissed the side of Lena’s head and let go. “Ethan will always hold the love of your past, but he’d be devastated if you let his memory destroy the love of your future. Maybe you should focus on that for a while.”

  Ma left as quietly as she came, but Lena’s mind hadn’t calmed. Could she forgive Marshall, or would that betray Ethan’s memory? She swallowed the sharp pain lodged in her throat and closed her eyes. Did she have the strength to step from the unstable muskeg she’d planted herself in and root herself in soil that would allow her to grow? She wasn’t sure, and it scared her that she might not even be brave enough to try.

  Thirteen

  Marshall stood on the deck of Lena’s small, remote cabin, staring across the mountaintops stretching out across the horizon. Could he get any closer to the top of the world? The beauty took his breath away, and being stuck out in the middle of nowhere suddenly didn’t seem so bad.

  “Daddy, you’s has to see this.” Carter barreled out of the cabin and snagged Marshall’s hand.

  His son’s enthusiasm stretched his chest with joy. This time with Carter had shown Marshall just how much he wanted things to change when they got back home. He didn’t want to be gone all hours of the day, didn’t want to be so focused on saving the world that his own world drifted away.

  How could he find balance, though? Between the company and DC, time slipped through his hands faster than he could control. The tighter he gripped, the more quickly the moments evaporated. Carter smiled back at Marshall as he dragged him into the cabin, and a jolt coursed through his body. He just needed to analyze everything better, formulate an action plan. Mission: Get Life Back couldn’t be that hard if he put his focus into it.

  He stopped short as he crossed the threshold. The small, unassuming cabin exuded a rustic opulence he wasn’t expecting. Floor to ceiling windows allowed the bright summer sun to bathe the open living space in cheery light. A rich, coffee-colored leather loveseat and a recliner sat on a deep cranberry-red area rug and cozied up to a wood stove. On the other side of the room, cast iron skillets hung on the log wall. Cabinets lined the wood and were topped with what looked like hewn logs for a counter. The space was homey yet functional, upscale but unassuming. How it had been built with no access and nothing close amazed him.

  “Daddy, look at the bear.” Carter pointed to a big grizzly hanging over the windows and front door behind Marshall. “Eena shot dat bear.”

  Carter’s eyes, wide as saucers, looked up at the animal in awe. Marshall was pretty awestruck himself. He scooped up his son and pointed to the grizzly’s three-inch claws.

  “That’s a gigantic bear, for sure.” Marshall peered at Carter’s profile. “Do you think Lena was scared?”

  Carter’s head shook. “Nope. Eena’s not a’scared of nothing.” The confidence in his tiny voice amused Marshall.

  The kid was perceptive. Lena Rebel didn’t seem to have the word fear in her vocabulary. It intimidated Marshall and invigorated him at the same time.

  “You two are going to be in the sheep room.” Lena’s voice preceded her as she stepped from the back of the cabin. “Why don’t you come and put your stuff down, then we can help Bjørn with the rest of the supplies?”

  Marshall set Carter down and hiked the bag slung over his shoulder up. Lena’s smile as Carter dashed through the living room with a whoop had Marshall’s heart thumping against his ribs. Would she smile at him too? He rolled his eyes at himself when she turned away without even a glance. He wasn’t some tongue-tied teenager anymore. There was no re
ason for him to be disappointed in her lack of attention or for his palms to get sweaty at the thought of being alone with her and Carter on the mountain.

  When Marshall stepped into the small room, his estimation of the place rose even further. The room held a bunk bed and a single made from logs and decked out with rustic bedding. A snow-white Dall sheep skin hung on one wall, and two large windows sported views of the rocky mountaintops surrounding them. Every area of the cabin brought the Alaskan range inside, creating an intimate embrace with nature.

  He could easily see wanting to just stay in bed and look out across the vistas. What was this place used for? Was it a family retreat, a place to escape? Was it a business lodge, and he was costing them revenue from guests? He’d have to ask Lena and make sure this family, who had so graciously taken in a pair of runaways, got compensated for their generosity.

  “My room is right across the hall, and there’s a bathroom between us.” Lena pointed through the door, quickly dropping her hand when it brushed Marshall’s arm in the small space. “We have to haul water up, so we’ll need to be conservative.”

  “All right. No pampering in long showers.” Marshall tossed his bag onto one of the beds.

  Lena’s mouth tweaked up like his comment amused her, and the disappointment of earlier flew out the window. She’d been doing that more and more lately, or maybe it was that being stuck with her gave him a chance to see who she really was. Even more encouraging was the fact it didn’t hold the derision it would have two weeks before. Arne’s words about Lena not hating him came to mind, and Marshall wondered again if her father might be right.

  He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but the thought emboldened him. He took a step closer. When her eyebrow rose in a what-do-you-think-you’re-doing look, he stifled a grin at her spunk.

  “Lena, thank you for all of this.” He touched her elbow and sparks shot up his fingers at the feel of her soft skin. “I don’t know how I can ever thank you for saving us and keeping us safe.”