Honoring Lena

by Sara Blackard

  She stared up at him. When she didn’t yank her arm from his touch, he inched closer. Her forehead furrowed as she studied his face. Could he be brave and take the risk? When he jumped from the safety of the walls he’d built, would he land intact or splat in a bigger mess than he already was?

  The screen door squeaked open, followed by a grunt and a slam. Lena stepped back and bumped into a bench behind her. Her eyebrows pushed even closer together as her gaze darted to Carter and back.

  “I’m going to help Bjørn.” She swallowed and pushed past Marshall. “Go ahead and stay here with Carter.”

  Marshall stared at the mountains. His heart beat wildly in his chest like he’d just played a game of one-on-one and come out victorious. He pursed his lips together to keep his smile in check. He was done analyzing if he should or shouldn’t give in to his attraction. For the first time in years, he finally saw through his grief to the possibility of finding happiness again. Now, he’d just have to convince Lena that he wasn’t the enemy.

  Fourteen

  “Let’s get the rest of the gear,” Lena snapped at Bjørn as she stomped through the living room.

  Her ears heated to lava levels as she jogged down the stairs and headed toward the helicopter. Darn her mom and the thoughts she had planted in Lena’s head. Since the conversation the night before, the minute she let the guard on her mind down, it spun with possibilities.

  What if she let her heart forgive?

  Would she not feel such crushing darkness trapping her anymore?

  “Hey.” Bjørn pushed her shoulder as he stepped up beside her. “You had a nice blush going on back there. Mind telling me what that’s all about?”

  “Mind your own business,” she snapped back, cringing at her sharp tone.

  “Sheesh, Lena. Ease up.” He grabbed her elbow and pulled her to a stop. “I’m joking. You know, that fun bantering we used to live for?”

  “I’m not in the mood for your joking right now.”

  “You’re never in the mood.” He threw his hands up in exasperation, stomped toward his helicopter, then turned and stomped back. “I understand you needed time to grieve. I know what that mission cost you. It’s been tearing me up that I couldn’t help you, that I couldn’t do anything to help the team get out sooner.”

  His anger deflated as his shoulders slumped and he looked off down the valley. She didn’t want to talk about that mission. She didn’t want to see Ethan’s blood saturating his sleeve. Didn’t want to relive her own life draining from her as reality crashed in. She held her hands up to ward off any more talk.

  “Do you know how many nights I lie awake, wondering if I should’ve found a closer extraction point?” Bjørn ignored her silent pleas to stop, his question sending ice down her spine. “I could’ve relayed a closer rendezvous when things blew up. The map had shown a clearing closer to the compound I could’ve landed in. What if getting Ethan to you earlier would have saved him? Maybe then, Jake wouldn’t have lost his leg.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “Maybe then, your world wouldn’t have crumbled to what you have now.”

  “That wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known how bad the mission would go.” She never thought pushing her family away in her grief would make Bjørn’s healing harder.

  He sighed and rubbed his hand over his neck. “I’m ready for a new life now. I’m ready to put all the heartache of failed missions behind me.” He shook his head and met her gaze. “It’s past time for you to leave it behind too.”

  “I … I can’t.” She blinked to clear the sting from her eyes.

  “Ethan wouldn’t want this life of loneliness and bitter hate for you.” He stepped closer and pointed his finger at her heart. “He’d want you to live and find happiness, not wallow in your fear, pushing everyone away. You’re being a coward, Lena.” He poked her in the shoulder. “Knock it off before you push so many people away that all you’re left with are ghosts.”

  Fifteen

  Marshall jogged to keep up with Lena as she led him and Carter on a hike down the mountain. Carter pulled Marshall’s hair like reins on a horse from where his son sat on his shoulders. He was glad of the chance to get outside and explore but would probably have sore shoulders the next morning.

  When they’d gotten settled, had lunch, and Carter’s level of energy hadn’t wavered, Lena had suggested going on a bear hunt like in Carter’s favorite book. Marshall wondered if her sudden suggestion had just as much to do with her own restlessness as it did Carter’s. Since Bjørn left, she’d been antsy, which made him anxious.

  “So, Lena, I’ve been meaning to ask you about the cabin.” He stepped up beside her as they pushed through an alpine meadow. Bright pink fireweed filled the area and drenched the hillside in cheery color. “How in the world did y’all build it on the mountaintop? Does your family use it for business, or is it just a personal cabin?”

  “Well … the cabin is mine, actually.” Lena’s interest in the ground before them became more intense.

  “Yours?”

  “Yeah. I built it in high school.” She shrugged like constructing a cabin in the middle of nowhere in your teens was no big deal. “My plan was to run a hunting-guide operation out of it after I got out of the military. You know, get the big game like sheep and grizzly away from the normal hunting spots.”

  “You had that all planned out in high school?” He’d had a plan for his future, but while she’d been building a luxury resort, he hadn’t done more than get good grades and excel in basketball to put that plan in action.

  She shrugged again and shifted the rifle slung across her shoulders like she was uncomfortable. Why would she even go into the military if she’d already had the cabin built? The more mysteries he unearthed of her, the more confused he got.

  “Why not just start guiding right after high school?” Marshall eased Carter’s fingers loose when their grip got too tight on his hair. “Why even join the army?”

  “Hunting can be dangerous, and being way up here, even more so. I knew I’d need medical training in case of emergency, so I figured I’d let the army do that for me and get paid while doing it.” She chuckled, and the tension eased from her shoulders a bit. “I really wanted to be a PJ, pararescuer with the Air Force, like my older brother Gunnar was, but I quickly realized my likelihood of getting through the training to be a PJ was pretty much non-existent. I mean, if Gunnar almost failed, there was no way I could pass.”

  While in the Air Force, Marshall had often wondered what it would be like to be the bigger-than-life heroes of the military world. PJs rescued downed SEALS while Marshall had analyzed data. His military career never seemed as lacking as it did when measured against the Rebel family.

  “You became an army medic so you could be prepared if the worst happened hunting.” Marshall’s forehead scrunched in confusion. “If that was the point of enlisting, why didn’t you come here after you got out?”

  She sighed, and the tension bunched back in her shoulders. Maybe he should just keep his questions to himself.

  “After Ethan died and I left the army, I just couldn’t bring myself back here.” She scanned the meadow, looking everywhere but at Marshall. “We had planned on coming up here together, to build a couple more cabins and really make a go of it. When he died, I never thought I’d come back again. Had actually been planning on selling it to Tiikâan for his guiding business.”

  Guilt coated Marshall’s throat and made it hard to swallow. First, he’d been responsible for her fiancé’s death. Then, his situation had forced her to face the one place she didn’t want to be. Hadn’t he felt the same every time he’d walked into his and Amara’s bedroom back home after her death? It was the reason he’d moved to the room down the hall. If the house hadn’t been in her family for generations, he would have sold it within the month of her dying.

  “And now my situation has forced you to come here.” He adjusted his grip on Carter’s legs to keep from reaching out to her. “I’m sorry,
Lena. I’m sorry for everything.”

  She turned her face to him, her mouth tipping up on one side. “It’s okay. You didn’t know.”

  Why did her words seem like they held more weight than they should?

  “Daddy, ook!” Carter wiggled and pointed down the slope, almost falling off in his excitement.

  An orange fox with a white-tipped tail stood in the center of the meadow, staring at them. When its head cocked to the side like it wondered where they’d come from, Carter squealed again and tried to get down. Lena stepped closer to Marshall and placed her hand on Carter’s leg to settle him.

  “Carter, if we’re real still and quieter than a mouse, the fox might hang out a while.” Lena glanced up at Carter, her voice a soft whisper. “Think you can do that?”

  “Like when we payed lions and ’nuck up on Mrs. White and ’cared her?” Carter’s return whisper was so full of thrill, Marshall wasn’t sure what the kid was more excited about, the fox or the memory of freaking the cook out.

  Marshall turned his face to Lena and lifted his eyebrow in question.

  “What?” Her face held the expression of false innocence. “The nannying business got a little boring, so I figured we’d spice it up.”

  “By frightening a seventy-year-old woman?”

  Her lips scrunched like she was holding in a smile. “When she threatened no more treats if we did it again, we moved on to harder targets. The guards are more fun, anyway.”

  Carter covered Marshall’s mouth with his tiny hands. “Ssh.”

  Lena leaned in so her mouth was close to his ear. Her breath tickled, sending warmth down his skin as she spoke. “When we get back home, you need to overhaul your detail. They were far too easy to scare.”

  Why did her calling Kentucky home leave him feeling like it should be? He turned his head to see if she was joking. Everything seemed to sharpen and blur at the same time. The meadow faded away as he zeroed in on Lena. Her soft lips were slightly parted in a smile. Wisps of black hair had pulled free from her pony and fluttered gracefully in the breeze. Her no-nonsense scent of soap and the outdoors grounded him, making him feel like just a regular person again.

  When was the last time he’d felt normal, like he didn’t have the weight of the world on his shoulders? High school? Definitely not. His parents had pushed him so hard he hadn’t had room to breathe. The Air Force? Maybe. The military seemed to be the great equalizer of people. The Air Force didn’t care who your parents were or how much money was in the bank. If you had honor and worked hard, you excelled.

  He was so exhausted from years of always having to be on. From fighting to strengthen the nation in DC to shifting the manufacturing business Amara had left to fully support the military, he hadn’t had time to breathe, let alone pause to consider if he really should do what he was doing. Maybe it was time to give up his pursuits in the Capitol, let someone else take the torch.

  “Daddy, the fox is playing.”

  Marshall tore his gaze from Lena and took a deep breath to focus. The fox frolicked in the field, disappearing in the tufts of grass to pop up again. Marshall envied the carefree existence the animal had. Not that he wanted to sell everything and live off the land or anything. But being able to let loose and have fun would only make his relationship with Carter stronger.

  “She’s playing and having fun, but she’s also working.” Lena pointed toward the animal. “See how she tips her head before she jumps into the grass?”

  “Uh-huh.” Carter wiggled like he wanted to be jumping rather than just sitting still.

  “She’s listening for critters she can eat, voles or other rodents that live in the grass.” Lena sighed and wrapped her fingers around the straps of her pack. “We can learn a lot from the fox. They’re one of the few animals that find fun in survival.”

  The fox disappeared again, only this time she came up with a mouthful of rodent. Carter cheered and clapped like the thing had just won the playoffs. It darted off into the woods, but Lena’s words lingered. Could Marshall find a way to have fun and yet still do all that was required of him? There was only one way to find out.

  He put Carter down and grabbed his hand. “Want to pretend to be foxes? We can jump and play through the grass while we hunt.”

  “Yeah!” Carter squeezed Marshall’s legs in a tight hug. “I love you, Daddy.”

  “I love you, too, buddy.” Marshall patted Carter’s back, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

  “Come on.” Carter took off, tumbling through the grass with a laugh.

  Marshall followed, bending down next to Carter, who was twisting his head from side to side like the fox did. He took off again with a yip. A laugh burst from Marshall as he raced after his son, barking more like a dog than a fox, though he wasn’t even sure what a fox sounded like.

  He glanced back at Lena. She trailed behind them, a smile upon her beautiful face. Her gaze met his and filled him with reassurance. She took a deep breath, nodded, then scanned the area, probably for trouble.

  A shriek of laughter pulled him back to where Carter had disappeared behind a lump of grass. Carter’s head poked up from the greenery to the left of the tuft, so Marshall bunched his muscles and sprang over the grass. The ground sank when he landed and sent him sprawling into a boggy, moss-filled mess. Frigid water seeped through his clothes and made him shiver. Lena and Carter laughed behind him, so he flopped onto his backside and sat up.

  “That’s the problem with Alaskan muskeg.” Lena’s face radiated joy as she helped Carter to his feet, and Marshall wasn’t upset that he was wet and chilled. “It can be firm ground one minute and unstable under your feet the next.”

  “That seems to be an Alaskan trait.” Marshall grinned up at her. “Throwing me off-balance.”

  Would she catch his meaning? Did he want her to?

  “I’d like to think of it as keeping you on your toes.” Lena stepped close and extended her hand.

  She helped him stand more than he wanted to admit. What looked like solid ground with bushes growing from it shifted underneath him and made it difficult to get out of. When he finally stood, his clothing stuck to his skin and sent another shiver through him.

  Lena scanned him from head to toe, her forehead creasing in concern. “Let’s get back and get you out of your clothes.”

  Her eyes winged to his and were wide on her face as a deep pink blush tinted her cheeks. He tipped his head back and laughed. Heat spread through him at the thought of her warming him up.

  “You know what I mean.” She snatched Carter’s hand and headed back toward the cabin.

  “I don’t know, Lena.” Marshall’s voice was smug to his own ears. “You might have to explain that to me.”

  She turned to glare at him, but the smile that tipped her lips negated the expression. She focused back on the way to the cabin, tripping slightly on a clump of grass. He chuckled and rubbed a hand across his chest. Could it be that he left Lena as unbalanced as she did him?

  Lena shook out Marshall’s pants as she prepared to toss them in the wash. She’d have to contact Bjørn on the ham radio and make sure he brings up more water. If Marshall and Carter kept it up, they’d be out of water by the next day.

  Her cheeks heated again with the thought of her words to Marshall. She hadn’t meant it in the way it had sounded. The entire way back to the cabin, her thoughts had raced between his laughter and how amazing he was with Carter. When she thought back over the last two months, she realized she’d been unfair to Marshall. Sure, he wasn’t around enough, but when he was, Carter had his undivided attention, even if it happened to be thirty minutes here and there. Earlier, Marshall had taken it to a new level with his fox impression.

  Marshall and Carter’s voices filtered through the wall that divided the bathroom from the utility room, their laughter settling in her bones. She twisted the jeans in her hands. The desire for laughter and family in her life warred with the need for justice. What if Bjørn was right and her bitterness pushed all
hope of having a family of her own away?

  Something crinkled through the fabric as she clenched his jeans in her hands. She pulled out a folded piece of paper. Setting the pants on the washer, she carefully opened the moist paper. It was fragile, more so from the obvious wear of many openings than getting wet.

  She licked her lips and read the words written in neat, flowing letters. A rock settled in her stomach at what could only be Marshall’s wife’s begging words to forgive her. Words of terror and worry. Words that claimed she had to push him to vote for a bill she knew to be wrong to keep Carter safe. Guilt layered thick in the ink and etched understanding and pain in Lena’s heart. Marshall’s wife had only done what every mother would have when their child was threatened, what Lena would probably do in the same situation.

  “It’s my fault she died.” Marshall’s voice startled her, and she quickly set the note down so she didn’t tear it.

  “You didn’t know.” The letter made that clear.

  “No.” His voice strained as he stared at the paper. “But I knew something was wrong. I assumed it had to do with the business. I should’ve taken the time to ask, but I was so focused on my job at the Capitol that I selfishly figured she’d tell me if she wanted help.”

  “That doesn’t mean her death is your fault.” Lena’s throat closed at the guilt he must carry, and she had added even more to him with her accusations and thinly veiled contempt.

  “They targeted Amara to sway me.” His humorless laugh made it hard for Lena to breathe. “Their strategy worked. She not only died because of me, but your fiancé and other soldiers also did because of my choice.” He sighed, closed his eyes, and leaned against the doorframe. “I’ve hurt so many with that one vote, I don’t think I’ll ever make up for it.”

  A sharp pain of regret stabbed her chest, and she placed her hand against the washer to hold herself up. No wonder he worked tirelessly to support the military through his business. No wonder he still tried to change the corruption of politics, even though he no longer held a position there. He shouldn’t carry all that guilt, not when so many others had been deceived too. Didn’t she know just how far and deep the tentacles of the nefarious group grasped? Kiki’s own parents and Colonel Johnson, a man Lena had respected, were wrapped tight in the calculating hold of those bent on twisting the government to their own desires.