What He Wants

by Jessie Gussman

  Putting his arm around her, he led her to the couch where she sagged into the cushions. He sat on the floor at her feet, taking her heels off. She sighed.

  Gently rubbing the feet he’d admired earlier in the day while she leaned her head on the back of the couch and closed her eyes, he waited.

  Finally, without opening her eyes, she said, “I typed your estimate up. You can check it if you want, and then I can email it wherever it needs to go.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Did you have email...before?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Maybe you can check if you still have it?”

  “I’ll do that.” He used his thumbs to press small circles on the arch of her foot. “Thanks for the phone.”

  She opened one eye and looked at him. “You know it’s the least of what I owe you.”

  “I won this discussion the last time we had it.”

  A shadow of a smile crossed her face. “I’m a lawyer, and we don’t like losing arguments.”

  “Pick a different one, and I’ll let you win.”

  Her mouth flattened, and she leaned her head back, closing her eyes again. “The adoption agency called today. They’ve just approved a couple who are interested in adopting the twins. They want them to visit a couple nights next week and spend next Saturday with them.”

  His hands stilled on her feet. No wonder she was so depressed.

  “I told them I was getting a nanny, and that I’d contacted a real estate agent and was planning on buying a house in the next month, but it didn’t matter.”

  Torque stroked the top of her bare foot. “It didn’t matter because they’d already decided these people get to adopt or didn’t matter because you hadn’t found a father?”

  “It was just the caseworker and not her boss, but I’d already been told if I had a husband, or was close to having a husband, it would be a green light, so...” She shrugged. Her chin trembled, but so quickly, he almost missed it.

  How could this be so hard? With all his heart, he wanted to help Cassidy, but doing so would mean finding her a man that wasn’t him and giving her up completely. Funny, he was finding it harder to do that than he’d found it to volunteer to go to prison for her.

  He cleared his throat and started slowly. “Turbo just helped pave a driveway this week.” He named a town thirty-five minutes away. He took a deep breath, sliding his hand around Cassidy’s foot in a soft caress. “The man’s a doctor, an orthopedic surgeon. He lost his wife and daughters two years ago in a car accident when they were out west visiting her parents. Turbo talked to him for a while.” He stopped and looked up at her. “You don’t know Turbo, but he’s everyone’s friend.” She nodded, shaking her head at the same time, which made Torque’s mouth kick up a little, despite the crushing pressure in his chest. “Somehow the guy told Turbo that he’d just started trying online dating in the last two months, and it’d been a bust for him.” His hand skimmed over the soft warmth of her foot. He touched the veins, traced the long, slender toes, felt the longing that bored out of his chest and down his arms, making them heavy and achy, like hard work never could.

  He forced his hands to still and for his face to turn up, meeting her gaze. “Turbo told him about you.”

  “So you started a ‘find Cassidy a husband’ campaign?” Her jaw stuck out.

  Silence settled on the small apartment as they stared at each other. He shook his head. “I didn’t ‘just start’ anything. I’m just continuing what I’ve always done, and that is I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy.”

  “You don’t think I’d be happy choosing my own husband?”

  “You’d rather have the twins. They need you. You love them like they’re yours.”

  She opened her mouth to say something but closed it and swallowed her words.

  “The man is ready to remarry. He’s open to having children. And he’d be okay with adopting. Turbo actually called pretending to be a patient and talked to his receptionist, his nurse, and the surgical ward at the hospital where he works. He’s well-liked and respected. Turbo’s just waiting on permission to forward your number to him.”

  Cassidy leaned forward, taking his face in her hands. He lost his balance and fell backward, and she followed him off the couch and onto the floor, her hand cupping his cheeks, her body warm against his. He closed his eyes against the overwhelming need to press her closer.

  “I already know who I want. He keeps trying to give me away.”

  He shook his head and looked over her shoulder. “You’re going to have to choose.”

  The shadow in her eye and the flicker of her lip as it tightened showed that she knew he was right.

  He twisted so they were lying on their sides facing each other. He brushed a hair off her soft cheek. “If there was any way in the world they’d consider an ex-con just out of prison, I’d be begging you to take me. But we both know it’s not going to happen.”

  She bit her lip.

  He’d lost track of the number of stories he’d heard from inmates who’d been in prison and released and back in about the stigma that followed a convict. He’d been lucky enough to get out and fall into the arms of his family. Of his brothers and Cassidy, really, but still. Not everyone had relatives who weren’t criminals.

  “So you have to choose.” His hand slid into her hair, and his thumb traced her angled jaw. “I don’t want you to hurt, and those babies need you, so I’m trying to make it as easy as possible for you.” He gave a humorless laugh. “Except I can’t stay away.”

  Her breath came fast and mingled with his. Her eyes lowered, their noses almost touching. “Let Turbo give him your number.” Each word stabbed at his heart like a fork. “Please.” The fork twisted. He didn’t want another man to have her, couldn’t stand the thought of another man touching this soft skin, threading his hands into her hair, breathing her breath, but it hurt almost as much to think about her losing her babies and Jamal losing his sisters.

  It was a sacrifice he had no choice but to make.

  Her eyes darkened, and he could feel the pain seeping from them, could almost taste her heartache. But she, too, had to be thinking of Jamal and his sisters, because her eyes hardened and her jaw clenched.

  “Okay.”

  She pushed herself off the floor, and he followed. She didn’t meet his eyes. “I know you’re trying to stay away, but I have plans to meet with my realtor tomorrow and look at a couple houses. I was hoping you could watch Jamal.”

  His heart clenched at the hurt in her tone. He’d done that. But she knew, as he did, that it was for the best. “Wouldn’t it be more helpful for me to keep the girls?”

  “I didn’t figure you could, in the garage.”

  “Bring their cages.”

  Her lips tipped. “They’re not cages.”

  “Gram and Miss Angelina will be there, and they talked about inviting their old friends from the quilting club they used to have twenty years ago. And if that doesn’t work out, I’ll quit at five like a normal person.”

  “Okay. That will be great. I appreciate it. I know Kelly will watch Jamal, although he’ll be upset to miss out, since he seemed to have a great time with you today.” She brushed her skirt off and picked up her shoes. Talking to him but not looking at him. He could grab her shoulders and turn her toward him, but that would only make it worse. She was putting distance between them, and that’s what needed to be done.

  “Bring him too. He’s a help.”

  “You want me to drop three kids off at the garage where you’re trying to work?”

  “If you don’t think I can handle it, do what you want.” Torque turned toward the door. He couldn’t stay longer. She didn’t mean to insult him, she was just hurting and maybe trying to come to grips with what he’d already figured out: if she had a prayer of keeping her kids, she had to do it with someone else.

  Right now, he could help by babysitting, but even that would have to end.

  Chapter 18

  Cassi
dy closed the door behind Torque and leaned against it. He was right. She knew it. But she didn’t have to like it.

  She had wanted him to put his arms around her and hold her and kiss her, not lay out the facts and push her at another man.

  But sitting around crying about her lot in life wasn’t going to fix anything. Torque wasn’t being uncompassionate, he was being real. Intellectually, she knew it. But emotionally, she had to admit, it hurt. There was nothing easy about hearing the man you wanted with all your heart tell you to go find another man. But, for the last decade, at least, her life hadn’t been about doing the easy thing. She couldn’t let it become that now.

  If she wanted her children, she needed to fight for them. And that’s what she was going to do. Effective immediately.

  “I’M SORRY. NEXT WEEK doesn’t work for me. I had already made plans to move. I’ve taken off work, and there’ll be boxes and other things lying around. So, see if the next week or the week after would work.” Cassidy aimed her mouth toward where her phone lay on the table on speaker, while she spooned baby cereal into Nessa’s mouth.

  Her second call would be to her boss at the county courthouse taking next week off. She had no idea where they were moving to, but that was her plan. Even if it were a temporary place.

  After the phone call to her boss, Cassidy called Torque. She wasn’t really expecting him to answer, so she was surprised to hear his deep voice. “Cassidy?”

  “I’m looking for a place to live. Something nice with a big yard for the kids. Money isn’t an object. Can you set your minions on that?”

  He didn’t even snort. “I’ll call Turbo as soon as I hang up. Is that it?”

  “I need it next week.”

  Fifteen seconds of silence. Then, “Did you get kicked out?”

  “Nope. I postponed the couple’s visit with the twins by telling the adoption agency that I’m moving next week.”

  “So you’re turning your lie into truth?”

  “I guess you could say that.”

  “Okay. I started early ’cause I’m expecting the kids this afternoon.”

  “You know, if you were a bigger jerk, you would make this a lot easier for me.”

  More silence. “That it?”

  “Yes.”

  He hung up. She had to laugh. He aimed to please.

  After work, she pulled into the garage feeling like she had enough equipment to set up a fully equipped day care for a hundred kids.

  Jamal jumped out of the car and went running to find Torque. Cassidy left the twins in their seats and lugged one of the heavy pack-n-plays to the knitting corner where two new ladies had joined the ladies she met yesterday.

  “Cassidy, good to see you again,” Gram said, setting her quilting down and standing.

  “It’s okay, you don’t have to get up,” Cassidy said, setting the heavy bundle down and starting to unstrap it.

  “Where’s that grandson of mine? Why isn’t he helping you?”

  Probably because I told him to be a jerk. Cassidy shrugged.

  “I was wiping my hands so I didn’t get grease all over everything.” Torque came over and set the second play yard down. “I’ll set ’em up. You get the babies.”

  “I can’t wait.” Miss Angelina rubbed her hands together.

  Gram used her cane to come up beside Cassidy. She held her arms out, enveloping Cassidy in a warm, cinnamon-scented hug. “Thank you so much for bringing your children. We had such a good time watching Jamal yesterday. He reminded me so much of Torque when he was young.”

  Cassidy squeezed her back. She’d never been thanked for “allowing” someone to watch her children.

  “This is Miss Alda.” Gram pointed to one of the new ladies. “She never had kids, so we won’t let her get too close.”

  “I watched my nieces and nephews, and I was their favorite auntie,” Miss Alda said in a voice that sounded much younger than she looked.

  Gram snorted. She whispered, “Don’t worry. We’ll still watch her.”

  “And I’m Beulah.” An extremely short old woman with sparkling hazel eyes held her arms out. Cassidy was consumed in another hug. This one smelled like yeasty rolls, fresh from the oven.

  “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “I’ve heard a lot about you and that little boy of yours. Now, go get those babies so I can see them.” Miss Beulah’s eyes twinkled, and she looked beyond Cassidy’s shoulder as though searching for the twins.

  “Yes, ma’am.” Cassidy was tempted to salute before she turned. She glimpsed a quirking of Torque’s lip as she walked away, but she didn’t stop to share a smile with him. She shouldn’t have doubted that he would continue to be a gentleman, even though she had demanded he be a jerk.

  She brought Nissa in, introduced her to the ladies, and set her in the play yard Torque already had set up. She’d just done the same with Nessa when her phone rang with a number she didn’t recognize.

  “Hello?”

  Torque’s eyes shot to her from where he stood on the other side of the play yard beside his gram and Miss Beulah. His expression was unreadable. She turned away.

  “Hello. Is this Cassidy Kimball?” The voice was cultured and confident.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Cassidy, this is Brent Houser. Turbo Baxter gave me your number after I complained about my abject failure as an online dater.”

  Cassidy glanced at her kids, making sure they were okay, before she walked out of the garage, fighting for each step, like she was walking uphill underwater.

  She tried to infuse friendliness and excitement into her tone. “You must be the orthopedic surgeon I heard so many good things about.”

  He chuckled. “I didn’t want to lead with that. Sometimes it’s intimidating.”

  At least he was a little humble. She could do this. She squared her shoulders and chatted with him a little, saying yes when he asked if she was interested in going out for dinner Saturday night. They hung up after agreeing on a time to eat and catch a movie.

  Cassidy punched the button on her phone and allowed her hand to drop to her side. She stood with her back to the garage and her head down, trying to come to grips with what she’d just agreed to do. A date. That’s all it was. And Brent seemed like a really nice guy. From what Turbo had implied, he was willing to be her savior. She was doing this for her kids.

  But it didn’t feel good or right.

  She fingered her phone, unwilling to second-guess. If this was the path she’d chosen, she needed to walk down it, unwavering.

  Lifting her chin, she shoved her phone back into her purse and turned.

  Torque stood, leaning against the open garage door, the warm October sun casting his face into shadow under his ball cap.

  She paused. “It was the doctor.”

  “Figured.” He didn’t move. One hand shoved in his pocket, one shoulder against the doorjamb.

  “We’re going out Saturday night.”

  “Good.”

  “He wants to meet the kids.”

  Torque nodded.

  “He’s picking me up.”

  His bicep twitched. “Gram and the ladies will help if you need a sitter.”

  “Okay.” Implied behind his words was the thought that it wouldn’t be the best thing for anyone if Torque were the ones watching her kids when Brent showed up to pick her up and drop her off. “That’d be nice if they could because I just remembered that Kelly is opening her first children’s center across town and Harris will be helping her.” Those were her go-to babysitters. She still hadn’t recovered from the nanny episode enough to try to trust anyone she didn’t personally know to watch her children.

  Torque jerked his head. His face remained mostly hidden and completely stoic. She supposed that’s how he survived the past ten years.

  “Well, guess I’ll go say goodbye to the kids.”

  He didn’t move, and she started to brush by him.

  “I’ll quit a little earlier tonight, get supper, and get Jamal st
arted on his homework.”

  “Thanks,” she said, pausing in her walk before walking into the garage.

  PUSHING THE DOOR TO her apartment open, Cassidy walked in on aching feet. It had been a discouraging evening. One property had no backyard; one was very nice but wasn’t available for two months; and one was perfect, except as she was leaving she saw her would-be neighbors in their backyard, the man flipping burgers and the woman with a wineglass in one hand and handing him a plate with her other one. Very friendly, since they both smiled and waved. Neither of them had a stitch of clothing on. She wouldn’t be making an offer on that property until she researched the local zoning laws on how high and opaque property owners were allowed to make their fences.

  She closed the door and leaned against it, never tiring of the sight of Torque, big and dark, and looking just a little dangerous, sitting at her table feeding her children. The big hands gentle, the easy answers in a deep, low voice to Jamal’s questions as he chattered away. The adorable way the little girls gurgled and cooed and chattered in baby speak to him. The cozy feel of family in her kitchen. Torque didn’t act like being with her children was an inconvenience or a problem. He might be a little awkward at times, but he never seemed irritated or like he wanted to be somewhere else.

  Basically, it wasn’t hard to picture this scene as her family.

  But that was a mirage.

  She pushed away from the door, and Jamal spotted her. “Mom!” He hopped up and ran to her, throwing his arms around her and chattering about his afternoon at the garage. The twins looked around and started bouncing in their seats, reaching out for her.

  There was something about the smile of a baby and the innocence of a child. And the love of both. It might be a ratty apartment, small and old, but stepping into it gave her a warm, comforting feeling deep in her soul. There was no place in the world she’d rather be than with these souls right here.

  Torque stood and turned. His face was impassive. “Jamal’s homework’s done. The twins just need baths. I set a plate of food on the stove for you under that cover. I’ll clear the table before I go.”