What He Wants

by Jessie Gussman

  “I understand. I hope you understand that I had to try.”

  Anne smiled. A friendly smile. “I’ve actually spoken to several people about you, including your boss, and I know you would make an excellent mother. I understand that you’re moving and hiring a nanny and cutting your hours. I’ve seen Jamal and how much he wants to be with his sisters. I’m not heartless. I want those girls to be with you. But there’s no way this,” she indicated the application and Torque’s recent prison stint, “will fly. It just won’t.” She tapped her pen on her desk. “But,” she emphasized that word. “But I will throw this application away. I’m not mentioning it to anyone. So,” she paused and lowered her voice, “if you were to happen to find another boyfriend that you’ve been seeing for a while and has just proposed marriage, I might be able to help you out. Not to marry him,” she said quickly. “I don’t want you entering into an unstable relationship, which would hurt the children, but just someone who can help you out until you get things under control. My supervisor might be convinced to allow you to adopt as a single mother with a steady boyfriend if you have several good home visits.” She tilted her head, a small grimace of apology on her lips. “I’m saying, I can bend the rules that far, but I can’t break them like this.” She pointed to the ten days out that was circled in red ink.

  “Thank you.” Cassidy’s lips felt like blocks of cement, but she forced them to work. “I appreciate it.”

  “I am headed out on vacation, but my supervisor, Larissa Rice, wants to bring our prospective couple out tomorrow evening.” Her eyes dripped sympathy. “Let this happen. And in the meantime, do everything you’ve been working on, plus a steady father figure, and I’ll work as hard as I can for you.”

  Cassidy nodded. There was no point in fighting it. “That’s fine. There will be boxes scattered around, but we’ll make do.”

  “Thank you.”

  Cassidy stood. Torque stood beside her. They shook hands with Anne and walked out together.

  “I’m sorry,” Torque said as soon as they stepped into the parking lot.

  “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. And really, if you think about it, it serves me right. I’m still being punished for my fatal decision. I deserve it.” Her neck felt like it was caught in a tight, pinching grip, and her feet seemed to drag on the ground.

  Her phone buzzed, and she grabbed it with one hand.

  “It’s the realtor.” And, even though she might not be sharing the house with the twins, a thrill still traveled down her spine. Jamal would love the new place.

  She swiped with her thumb, unwilling to let go of Torque’s hand.

  “Hello?”

  “Cassidy. Glad I caught you. Unfortunately, I have bad news. There was another offer placed on the house last Friday, and the owners have accepted.”

  Cassidy had to laugh. Could the day get any worse? She looked over at Torque. She could lose him. That would make it worse. The thought chilled her.

  She thanked her realtor and hung up, not even bothering to set up a new time to look at houses. She couldn’t remember being more discouraged since Torque was sentenced.

  TORQUE SLOUCHED IN his chair at the mentor meeting as Frank Bigelough called it to order and gave some opening statements and announcements. There were a few new pairs, and Frank had them introduce themselves.

  Torque’s heart pounded hard and slow in his chest. Cassidy wasn’t going to like what he was about to do. He’d not talked to her about it because he knew she would hate the idea. But he’d talked to Turbo that afternoon, and he intended to do what needed to be done.

  As he had at the last meeting, Frank had each pair report on their progress. When it was their turn to speak, Torque stood before Cassidy could open her mouth.

  “I wanted to thank everyone for their support. I especially want to thank Miss Kimball for agreeing to mentor me. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to drop out of the program because I’ve been offered a job in Alaska driving on the ice roads. It’s good money, and I’ve accepted. I’m leaving next week. ’Preciate everyone’s encouragement.”

  Torque sat as the folks around the table politely clapped. Beside him, Cassidy sat like an ice sculpture. He could feel waves of cold anger blowing off her. He deserved it for not discussing his decision with her. But he didn’t want to go, and it had taken all his willpower to make the decision. If she tried to talk him out of it, he’d cave immediately. He knew he would.

  “Maybe Miss Kimball will volunteer to be a mentor to another ex-con.” Frank smiled encouragingly.

  “Maybe,” Cassidy agreed with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

  Frank moved on to the next pair.

  Cassidy glanced at him once, her mouth flat, her eyes spitting fire. He smiled, because he knew it would make her even more angry. He could face the inevitable confrontation better with her anger than with any other emotion she could display.

  The meeting dragged. Cassidy sat stiffly beside him. He didn’t pay any attention to anything else that happened. The pain in his chest made it difficult to even breathe.

  When it finally let out, Cassidy and he walked out immediately.

  The door had barely shut behind him before she said, “What was that about?”

  “It’s true. Even before I got out of prison, Turbo had mentioned the Alaskan ice roads. He put my app in, and once my license came back, they called. I can start as soon as I can get there.”

  Cassidy had stopped in the dark parking lot. “You’re kidding.”

  Her eyes blazed, her hair blew in the breeze. Slender and regal, she looked like a queen standing there. So far above him, and yet she loved him. Well, he loved her too. And this wasn’t the first time he’d made a sacrifice because he loved her. That thought strengthened his resolve, and he spoke, his voice firm. “No.”

  She looked around, her mouth opening and closing, but no sound coming out. “I thought...I thought...” Her voice broke, and her eyes started to fill.

  Torque’s heart lurched. He couldn’t do this if she cried. He knew he couldn’t.

  Her jaw clenched, and she whispered fiercely through it. “I thought you loved me.”

  “I do.” He looked over her shoulder. He couldn’t look into her eyes filled with tears. “Listen, you heard the lady at the adoption agency. She said you still had a chance. Turbo found another prospect, and this one actually sounds better than the last. Your friend Kelly knows him too. But I need to go. This opportunity came up, and I knew if I was out of the way, things would work out for you.”

  Cassidy put a hand up. “Couldn’t we have talked about it?”

  His chest felt hollow. “Maybe I should have.”

  “What about the garage?”

  “She’s selling the place.” He reminded her about the balloon mortgage. “I’m going to have to leave anyway.”

  “She’s selling the garage?”

  Another dream that was so close, and yet, he lost it too. “And the house. It’s all on one deed.”

  Cassidy folded her arms across her chest and stuck her chin out. “Torque, this is just like what you did when you sent me off at the accident. You can’t make decisions that you think are best for me then just order me around. You can’t be the one to make all the sacrifice.”

  He was quiet, his heart beating painfully. Then and now. The reasons were the same.

  He took a breath. “Then choose, Cassidy. I’ll stay if you want, but you’re going to lose the twins. Jamal will lose the opportunity to know his sisters, and you’ll have to look at me every day for the rest of our lives knowing that it was all my fault. Or I can go. You can get the babies, and you might end up with a really great husband.”

  “That’s not you.”

  He lifted a shoulder, not trusting himself to speak. “But you have to understand, I can’t stay and watch that.”

  He could see understanding dawn across her face. “I get it. It would hurt far more for me to watch you be with another woman than for me to have to be with someone I do
n’t love.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. Other people had started to come out of the building, but they were far enough away that he could only see, not hear, them. Meeting Cassidy’s gaze, he tried to hide the searing pain in his heart and chest. Did blood burn like oil? It felt like it.

  “I see your point.” She bit her lip, then she smiled a little, like she realized he wasn’t changing his mind and she didn’t want their last conversation to be only fighting. “I guess we get to say goodbye this time.”

  His heart sank. “I guess.”

  “When are you leaving?”

  “I have enough work I’ve promised to do to finish out this week.”

  She swallowed. He appreciated her chin-up attitude.

  “And you’re not changing your mind?”

  “No.”

  Chapter 22

  Torque swept the garage floor. Little puffs of dust gathered above the pile of metal shavings and other debris that collected on the floor after a long day of changing brakes and drums and replacing a rocker arm.

  Only one more day. He didn’t want to get melancholy. Although the feeling that he’d had everything he’d ever wanted and it all was slipping through his fingers tightened his chest and made his stomach cold.

  He’d been so close. So close to having Cassidy—who would have thought that she’d ever admit that she loved him? And so close to realizing his dream of opening his own garage.

  He bumped the broom on the floor. Tyke had left his garage neat, and Torque would do no less. There was still tomorrow, but only about a half a day’s work—rotating the tires on a trailer and fixing a wiring issue. Shouldn’t take long.

  He’d turned down so much work this week...

  Shaking his head, he waited for Jamal to hold the dustpan in position. Even Jamal had been subdued today, barely talking, which was unusual.

  In prison, he’d decided he wasn’t looking back. Ever. All it did was make him sad and frustrated. Always look ahead and plan and prepare for the future. Driving the ice roads would be fun and exciting. Dangerous. Turbo said he might even come up for a few months. Alaska would be wild and beautiful, and who knew what opportunities would arise while he was there?

  He leaned on the broom handle, watching Jamal walk the garbage to the can, looking around the garage. He was just fooling himself, and he knew it. Everything he ever wanted was right here in Pennsylvania, but there wasn’t a darn thing he could do about it. He had no choice but to walk away.

  The main door opened. An older woman with hair the color of strawberry ice cream walked in. Torque walked over, putting the broom away, figuring the woman must be lost.

  “Hello, ma’am. Can I help you?”

  “I’m looking for Torque Baxter.”

  “That’s me.” He stopped a yard or two from her, bracing his legs and folding his arms over his chest. Jamal came over and stood beside him. For once, saying nothing.

  “I’m Angelina Ford’s daughter.”

  Torque held out his hand. “Good to meet you.” Miss Angelina had left earlier because her daughter was visiting. He waved a hand at Jamal. “This is my after-school help, Jamal.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Jamal,” the woman said as she shook his hand. Her eyes squinted and her brow furrowed as she looked at the boy. She looked back at Torque and opened her mouth, but then, like she changed her mind, she closed it.

  She straightened. “I was up at the house visiting my mother, and she couldn’t stop talking about you. I wanted to come down and meet you.” She looked Torque up and down. “I have to say, you don’t look the way I thought you would. I thought you’d be older.”

  Torque shrugged.

  “She said how you have these little kids running around and how you’re patient with them and all that. But what I really wanted to thank you for was letting my mother come down here with her knitting group.”

  Torque jerked his head at the chairs. Tough had found two old recliners and dragged them in. “We were still looking for two or so more recliners. It’s easier on the ladies’ backs.”

  She walked slowly toward the area where the recliners were set up with a small table and an apartment-sized refrigerator. Torque had also set up a coffee maker on a shelf in the corner. “Wow, they have their own little place.”

  “When my mom died back when I was in elementary school, those ladies gave my brothers and me each a quilt. Guess I figured I was too old to cry, but I wasn’t too old to ball up in that old quilt at night. Meant something to me.”

  “I see. Sounds like something Mom and her friends would have done.” She tapped her cheek before drawing in a deep breath. “Well, I guess you know we’re listing the property. Mom’s too old to be here by herself, and I don’t have time to watch her. I’m still working. But I just wanted to come down and meet you. Never heard of a mechanic that took the time to teach little kids in his shop and allowed old ladies to set up their quilting group.” She looked at him full-on, her blue eyes an interesting contrast to her strawberry pink hair. “I work with children. So many are neglected and abused. I like what you’re doing.”

  “Thanks,” Torque said, even though his chest felt cold and empty. It was great for the short time it lasted.

  She held out her hand. “I hope we meet again. The world needs more people like you.”

  TORQUE WALKED INTO Cassidy’s apartment just a little after five with Jamal. Cassidy had supper ready to set on the table. It was their last meal together. He wasn’t leaving until tomorrow, but he was heading out as soon as the last of the work was done.

  Tonight would be the last time she’d see him. Unfortunately, the adoption agency had insisted that tonight the prospective adoptive parents would have their first supervised visit with the twins.

  Cassidy had a dinner date scheduled with Turbo’s prospective suitor tomorrow, and she’d been trying to psych herself into thinking that it was going to go well. But all she could really think was that tomorrow at this time, Torque would be gone.

  The twins were already in their high chairs. She walked over as they came in, stooping to give Jamal a hug then sending him to his bedroom to put his backpack away. Standing, she put her arms around Torque. She didn’t usually greet him like that, but since it was their last day...

  He stiffened. All week it was like he was trying to pull himself away. She could understand. The less one cared, the easier it was to leave.

  Then he relaxed under her touch, and his arms came around her, pulling her close. They stood for a while. When she started to back away, he leaned down and kissed her. Just a short kiss, but her knees still got weak, and her hands gripped his solid shoulders.

  He lifted his head. “Hello.”

  She laughed, trying to push away the sadness, the thoughts of why couldn’t this be her life? To just be in the present. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with the rest of her life.

  They sat and ate, talking with each other and Jamal, both of them avoiding any mention of any topic that might remind them this was the last, or that he was leaving, or that she was going on a date with someone else tomorrow at this very time.

  Time slipped away, and they were a little late cleaning the table. Cassidy had wanted Jamal to be done with his homework before their guests showed up, and Torque had planned to be gone. But Jamal still sat at the table, his math book open in front of him. Torque sat beside him, a twin in each arm. They’d taken to doing that—after she got them down from their high chairs, they toddled over to Torque for a cuddle on his lap before hopping down and waddling off to play.

  The knock on the door surprised her. She hadn’t realized it was that late, and they were ten minutes early. Her eyes widened, darting around the room, as though she were looking for a good hiding place. She met Torque’s gaze. Calm. Relaxed. A little pain in the depths, but a calm acceptance foremost.

  He bounced the babies and smiled at her. She made her lips tilt up in response then strode to the door.

  Larissa Rice stood the
re in her pink hair, carrying her briefcase and clipboard. Beside her, a professional-looking couple in their late twenties looked eager and excited. The man seemed a tad apprehensive. But twins could be a handful, so that was probably a smart feeling.

  They introduced and greeted each other, and Cassidy invited them in.

  Mrs. Rice stopped dead still in the middle of the room. “You,” she said.

  Torque stopped his explanation of the lowest common denominator while leaning over Jamal’s shoulder and glanced up. His eyes widened just a fraction, and his mouth twitched up.

  Cassidy had to admire him. His hair still slightly wet from his shower, his white t-shirt contrasting against his own dark complexion and the dark hair and skin of Nessa and Nissa. The twins’ pink outfits looked adorable against his bulging biceps. He stood gracefully. Their chubby arms went around his neck as they chattered to each other. Carrying them with familiar ease, he took a few steps and stopped beside Cassidy.

  Her face must have shown her confusion. He said, “This is Miss Angelina’s daughter. I just met her at the garage a couple of hours ago.”

  Cassidy’s eyes widened. She looked at Larissa again. Miss Angelina’s blue eyes looked back at her. “I didn’t see the resemblance until just now.”

  Larissa looked down at her clipboard, then back up at Cassidy and Torque, then down and up again. Her mouth opened and closed. The couple beside her shifted.

  Finally, she said, “Are you two...?” She motioned between Torque and Cassidy.

  Torque didn’t move. He was waiting for Cassidy to decide and answer. Cassidy went with her courtroom instincts.

  She reached for Nissa, who leaned out of Torque’s arms easily, and stood close to Torque. His arm came around her, and she leaned against him.

  “Yes. We were good friends in high school.” She looked up at Torque. “Maybe a little more than good friends. And I love him now.”