What He Wants

by Jessie Gussman

  But he had to let that go. Just like he had to let the idea that had so recently taken hold—just this week after spending so much time with her and her family—that there might be a future for them together, he had to let it go.

  She was with another man tonight. The thought sent hot fire through his blood, and he wanted to clench his fists and rail at the injustice of the universe.

  A little voice whispered in his head that he had his garage. At least for now. He’d gotten half of what he wanted.

  With all his heart, he knew for a certainty that he’d give up the garage, gladly, if he could have Cassidy.

  He sat on the big rock that he and Cassidy had shared that hot July evening and watched the sunset fade from the sky.

  “Torque?”

  He jerked awake, glancing around, unsure where he was. Then it came back. The rock and the mountain. Although now, instead of sitting on the rock, he leaned against it, head back. One leg stretched out, one bent. His hand rested on his knee.

  He blinked again. Someone had spoken. Sounded like Cassidy, only that must have been a dream because she was on a date with a doctor. Cassidy deserved a doctor.

  “Torque? That’s crap. I don’t ‘deserve’ a doctor.”

  Had he said it out loud? He blinked and made out her outline against the sliver of moon behind her head.

  He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. “Tell me he’s not with you.”

  “He’s not with me.”

  “You just saying that?”

  “You told me to.”

  “Tell me the truth.”

  “He’s not with me.”

  “Where are the kids?”

  “Home in bed. Miss Beulah is holding down the apartment.”

  “Nice.” He patted the ground beside him. “Sit down here and tell me about it. Must’ve been the best date ever, or it must have sucked, for you to be up here.”

  She settled beside him. “It sucked.”

  He tensed, and his eyes flew open. “Did he touch you?” There was going to be a dead doctor and a new body on death row if he did.

  “No.” She waved her hand in the air dismissively. It reflected the moonlight, and he grabbed it with his own, lacing their fingers together. Relishing the slide of her soft skin over his new blisters and old callouses.

  “It was nothing like that,” she said softly.

  Relief eased through his body. “What, then?”

  “He wasn’t you,” she said simply.

  He shook his head, his heart hammering. “So that makes two fools on this mountain.”

  “Torque.” Her hand slid across his face where his stubble had turned into a two-day-old beard. “It’s not foolish for me to love you.”

  His heart froze. His lungs collapsed. It was a good thing he was sitting down, since his entire body felt hot, then cold, then weak and trembly. How many years had he longed to hear that? How many dark, lonely nights in prison had he lain awake and thought that it would all be worth it if he had the love of his woman behind him? Her voice. Her image. Her scent. He could lie in his bunk at night and remember it all, every detail, until he almost shook with the need to hear those words.

  Cold, lonely years, never-ending days, and empty nights. Hard cement. Bleak bars and a future he could never be sure of. All it took was Cassidy’s love to make it worth it all. All the suffering. All the times he gritted his jaw and faced one more day. All the times he faced the gangs and the drugs and the fights. The abuse. The degradation. The loneliness. Being trapped. Everything.

  His heart felt full. Like it could burst and rain down happiness.

  If he hadn’t been awake before, he was wide awake now. He shifted, taking her and settling her on his lap, looping his arms around her. She snuggled down, her head under his chin.

  Cassidy loved him? No problems were insurmountable now. He felt invincible.

  His voice came low and husky. He didn’t even bother to try to hide the emotion in it. “I was sitting here tonight thinking about how much I loved you.” He drew in a trembling breath. “And thinking about how much I wanted you to love me.”

  Her long, slender fingers cupped his bristled cheek. He leaned his head into her hand, needing to feel closer, wanting to pick her up, spin her around, and tell the whole world that this wonderful, amazing woman loved him.

  Like she knew he needed to hear it again, she whispered, “I love you, Torque. That’s what ruined my date. I told Brent it was only fair that he knew that I loved someone else.”

  He let out a trembling breath. “Scared him, huh?”

  “He couldn’t get me home fast enough.” She laughed a little, her breath fresh and sweet against his face. “Really, he was nice. Perfect, actually. He’d have been a great dad. He was great with the kids when he met them. But he loved his first wife and said that if I loved someone, I shouldn’t waste that precious gift.”

  “Just as perfect as I am imperfect?” Torque said. He’d meant it more as a statement, not looking for either a compliment or pity, but it came out of his mouth more like a question.

  “You’re perfectly imperfect.”

  “Except the adoption agency won’t think so. Even if we could do something about the mentoring program.” He ran his hand over her smooth hair. Every sensory receptor in his body sensitized by the new knowledge of her love. “You know, I realized tonight that despite my big words about working with my hands and all that crap...” He paused, sliding his hand down her back and up, fisting his fingers in her hair. “I realized I was full of BS. I’d give up the garage in a heartbeat if it meant I could have you.”

  Cassidy was quiet. “I want to say that I’d give up the girls to have you...”

  “Shh.” He placed a finger over her mouth. “Don’t say it. Don’t even think it. I won’t let you make that choice. It’s not a choice.”

  “Maybe it should be.”

  “No. I love you, and I feel like I’ll be nothing without you. Can’t even imagine it, but those babies need you.” As full as his chest had just been, it now hurt. A searing, aching pain.

  She lowered her head and said softly, “Tonight I just threw away my only chance to have them. Unless Turbo has some other poor sucker waiting in the wings.”

  His throat tightened, but he forced the words out. “Knowing Turbo, he probably does.” Would he find out that Cassidy loved him, only to lose her immediately? The thought was almost inconceivable, but what other choice was there? He could never make her choose between the girls and him.

  “That’s the thing. The choice isn’t even between giving you up or having the babies. I not only have to give you up, I have to replace you with someone else.” Her hand crept around his waist. “I might be able to live without you. But I can never replace you.”

  He couldn’t see any solution, and his elation of just a few minutes ago sank like cement blocks had hitched onto it. “I think we’re at a dead end.”

  Cassidy was quiet before she said carefully, “So, I guess you go home to your side of the mountain, and I go home to mine?”

  “Only we live on the same side, now.” They laughed softly in the darkness.

  “Ten years from now, we’ll meet here again.” She tilted her head up, and he gazed down at her, adding to her story.

  “On July fourth.”

  “Yes, on July fourth.”

  “And we’ll have the longest make-out session ever, since I’ve had you up here how many times now, and I’ve treated you like a lady every time.” She loved him, and he at least wanted to kiss her. But he wanted to be able to back that kissing up with the ability to be there for her. Instead, he had to be gone.

  The moon shone on her downturned lips. “I don’t know why we need to wait ten years for that make-out session.” She leaned closer. “What’s stopping us tonight?”

  “Because tomorrow, nothing’s changed. I can’t make out with a girl tonight and not make an honest woman of her tomorrow.”

  She huffed. “That’s old-fashioned an
d a little chauvinistic, I think.”

  “I guess I’m old-fashioned and a little chauvinistic.” But her lips were so close. The memory of their last kiss made his face tingle and his heart stumble.

  She straightened in his lap and turned to face him. “Seriously? You’re going to make me walk back down that mountain and face my mess of a life and I don’t even get to make out with you first?” She placed both hands on his cheeks.

  He should be strong. He should tell her no. She’d regret hurried kissing in the dark with a man who couldn’t be there for her.

  But she loved him, and he sure as heck loved her. Had for the last decade and then some. When she leaned closer, he met her halfway, their lips clinging. The embers that had been banked flared to life, higher and deeper because of the new knowledge, of the love that lay between them, acknowledged.

  He pressed closer, pulling her toward him. It was real, finally, finally real. But, even as his heart hammered and his chest caught and burned, he knew it was only temporary.

  Everything he’d ever wanted was just within reach, and he was losing it all.

  CASSIDY SNUGGLED CLOSER, her lips still tingling from his kiss. She’d loved Torque for so long. Since way before he’d gone up for her. She couldn’t even remember when her admiration for the quiet mechanic in town had morphed into love. But it didn’t matter. Hearing from his lips tonight that he loved her made everything else so small in comparison.

  “Cassidy?”

  “Hmm?” His arms around her, his scent in the air, his heartbeat on her cheek. She was so content she could barely think. Nothing could make her happier.

  “I did it because I loved you.”

  Except that.

  She sat up. Her heart racing. His arms loosened, and he let her go. The moonlight put his eyes in shadow. She couldn’t see, even though she searched. But her soul lifted, and her lips could only smile.

  “I didn’t know.”

  “Why else would I have done it? I can’t believe you didn’t know. When you asked me that, as I walked out of prison, it shocked me that you hadn’t known. Hadn’t thought I was the stupidest person in the world for sacrificing so much for a woman who barely knew I existed.”

  “I knew you existed. I had no idea how you felt about me.” She cupped his face with her hands. “You’re a good man, Torque. The best.”

  He shook his head. Her hands moved with it, brushing the roughness of his stubble, which sent shock waves up her arms.

  “Not that good.” His hands slid up her back. “I loved you then. I love you more now.”

  There was no way she could doubt it.

  MONDAY MORNING, CASSIDY had just dropped Jamal off at school when her phone buzzed. She’d taken the week off work, the first whole week she’d actually taken since she started five years ago, and sat in the parking lot hoping it wasn’t her boss calling to beg her to come in tomorrow.

  It was the adoption agency.

  “Hello?” Maybe they’d changed their minds.

  “Miss Kimball. It’s Anne Cargill. I know you told us that it didn’t suit you to allow the twins to meet with the potential adoptive parents this week, but we really must insist.”

  “I’m sorry. I believe I told you I was moving.”

  “I understand. However, we are going to have to remove the girls from your home, if you cannot make them available to potential parents. This particular couple is threatening to go to another agency, and Nessa and Nissa could miss the opportunity to join their forever home.” She sighed. “I know you love them, but you have to do what is best for them.”

  “I want the best for them. I actually meant to call you today. I have backed off my work schedule, and I’m moving into a new home.” She hoped they accepted her offer.

  “Thank you for telling me, Miss Kimball. I’m sorry, but my supervisor specifically said that in order for you to adopt Nissa and Nessa, there had to be a dad in the picture.”

  “Actually, there is.”

  “You found a husband that fast?” she asked skeptically.

  “An old friend that I’d seen off and on recently moved back into town, and we’ve been seeing each other frequently. I did tell your supervisor that I had a serious boyfriend.” Cassidy took a deep breath, she’d skirted the big lie, but she was about to jump in, might as well make as big a splash as possible. “He proposed last night. I accepted, and we’re getting married in the next six months.”

  “That’s great.” If Anne suspected she was lying, she refrained from saying so. She did one better. “Bring him in sometime today, and he can fill out an application, and we can get him in the system.”

  Cassidy’s heart stopped. “He works.”

  “I’ll stay after. He can either come here tonight, or I’ll call the potential adoptive parents and we’ll meet you at your house at six.”

  She straightened her shoulders. It was time she faced the piper. “He’ll be there today.”

  “I look forward to meeting him.”

  “I look forward to bringing him.” Cassidy swiped off on her phone and dropped her head back against the headrest.

  Thankfully there wasn’t much going on at the office—there was always stuff to do—but Cassidy took off, driving to Miss Angelina’s garage.

  She had to admit to lying and to wanting to use him. He knew she loved him, but this was a major request. He might resent being her last option and choice. Her fingers shook as she slammed her car door shut.

  She walked into the cool, dark interior and stopped, allowing her eyes to adjust. Straight back, several ladies sat on chairs. They called out a greeting, and she answered.

  “Torque’s over there under that truck,” one of the ladies called. Cassidy took a hard right and walked around the back of a big rig. She’d been in the garage once, back when she’d been with Torque. The size of the rig impressed her. Made her feel small. Also made her impressed that Torque was as good as he was with them. She knew the wheels went on the ground. That was about it.

  Torque’s legs stuck out from under the truck in front of the drive tires where some clanging and banging echoed around the garage. “Torque?”

  The clanging stopped. His legs stiffened. “Cassidy?”

  “Do you have a minute?”

  He rolled out from under the truck and stood in one smooth motion. “Is everything okay?” His brows furrowed, and he looked around the garage. “Where are the kids?”

  “I left them in day care. I, uh...”

  He grabbed a rag out of his pocket and started wiping his hands, walking toward her. “We can go to the office if you want.”

  “No.” She swallowed. Her stomach felt like an out-of-control courtroom. “The adoption agency called today. I told them about all the changes I’m making, but it wasn’t enough and I might have said that I would bring my boyfriend in this afternoon.”

  His hands stilled. His eyes widened then darkened. Then his lips flattened. “You want me?”

  “Yes.”

  “They might reject me.”

  “It’s possible. I’ve looked up the law. It doesn’t say anything about convicts adopting, and since your ‘crime’ was technically with a vehicle, they probably would be okay with it. I just don’t know about the recent release.”

  “We can try.”

  Cassidy closed her eyes in relief. She should have known Torque would come through for her. He always had.

  “What time?”

  Chapter 21

  At noon, Cassidy walked into the adoption agency beside Torque. Anne greeted them and gave him an application to fill out. She left them in the waiting room. The scratch of Torque’s pen was the only sound as Cassidy looked around at the cute pictures of happy families stuck to the bulletin board. Brown carpet, forgiving of the spills and splashes of babies and toddlers, covered the floor, and the walls were painted a neutral beige.

  She tucked her feet under her chair to keep them from bouncing.

  The scratching stopped.

  He couldn�
�t be finished. It was four pages long.

  She lifted her brows.

  “It asks flat out, ‘Have you ever been arrested or served time in prison?’”

  Cassidy’s heart sank. She’d forgotten about that question. Funny how so many things were an automatic yes or no—with the questions not even registering.

  Torque watched her with dark brown eyes, deep and true. He’d lie for her. All she had to do was ask. But that wasn’t the kind of man he was, and he would never do it under any other circumstances.

  “Tell the truth, please.”

  His white teeth flashed, contrasting with his natural tan. “Love you.”

  Her heart flipped. She’d never get tired of hearing that. “I love you, too.”

  He finished filling out the form and handed it to the receptionist. As he sat back down, he grabbed her hand, which made her smile again.

  The clocked ticked slowly around, and fifteen minutes went by before Anne stuck her head out of her office door and called them back.

  They hadn’t even sat down before she spoke. “Mr. Baxter, you answered ‘yes’ to the question about being arrested and serving time in prison. Could you tell me what year that was, how long you were incarcerated, and how long you’ve been out?” She walked around her desk.

  “It was ten years ago. I served ten years, and I’ve been out about ten days.”

  Anne blinked and looked up. “Ten days? You’ve been out of prison for ten days?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Cassidy’s heart sank. She knew it was a long shot, with more chance of failure than success and the very real possibility of her embarrassing herself. Like she’d just done. But she had to try. She couldn’t live the rest of her life, knowing that there had been something else she could have done but she didn’t do it because she was afraid of failing or of looking like a fool. And Torque had agreed.

  “You’re on parole?”

  “No, ma’am. I served my whole sentence.”

  “I see.” She made a mark on the paper. “Cassidy, I’m sorry. We simply cannot allow those children to go to a home where one parent has been so recently incarcerated. I hope you understand.” Her lips tilted down, and she truly did seem sorry.