World Devoted

by Emily Albert

  “I will stay out of your way, your Highness. But if I may I ask, why are you asking for a lady? It doesn’t seem like something you want, from what you’ve said.” Her deep hazel eyes shifted to the floor. “I only ask because I think you should have everything you want, your Highness. And if this is not what you want…”

  “You’re right, I should have everything I want. But I also should have what I need, and I need this. You will be useful.”

  “And how is that, your Highness?”

  “I guess you’ll have to learn the specifics on the job.”

  “Of course, your Highness.”

  Before Lenna could say anything else, she heard a honeyed voice behind her. “Excuse me, your Highness, may I have a word?”

  She knew who it was before she turned around. She could picture the frizzy hair, crooked smile, and angry eyes as clearly as she could see Vannette’s face in front of her. She did not want to see Grace or hear her grating voice. She did not want to be tormented. “No, you may not. I’m busy right now, as you can see.”

  “It will only be a minute, your Highness—”

  She swung around then, seeing Vannette flinch. Grace was exactly as dreadful as she had imagined. “How incredibly rude does one have to be to interrupt their queen when she is in the middle of a conversation, then refuse to leave when asked?”

  “I am terribly sorry…” Grace said. She slinked to the wall behind the two women and stood there, pointedly looking away and obviously listening.

  Lenna didn’t actually have anything else to say, but she glanced back at Grace and imagined her squirming as the conversation dragged on. “Do you have any questions?” she asked Vannette.

  “When do I start?”

  “Soon. Yes. Very soon. The date of my coronation is yet to be confirmed. But as you know, I am newly engaged to Prince Marco of Elawar, so I’m sure there will be no problem with expediting it. So as soon as I become Queen, you will become my lady and I will show you how I want everything to work.”

  “Wonderful.” Vannette clasped her hands behind her.

  “So, tell me about yourself. I want to know all about you before you become my lady.

  Vannette dodged Lenna’s intense eye contact. “Well, as I’m sure you know my family already. But as for me, I enjoy reading. I also write from time to time. Nothing much, just some stories and poetry.” She took a breath. “Most would call me quiet, but that will never stop me from doing my work…”

  “Perfect, I like the sound of all this.” Lenna glanced again at Grace. She tapped her foot but showed no sign of leaving. “I suppose you may return to your reading.”

  She sighed and walked to Grace. “Why do you have to lurk around me while I’m having a private conversation? What could you possibly want to talk to me about?”

  “First of all, how dare you find a lady in waiting when you will never be Queen! It is inevitable that people will find out you murdered your mother and framed your brother. The truth always comes out. He will become King as soon as people learn the truth, and locked-up-princesses don’t need ladies.”

  “First of all, did you not pick up on the private conversation concept? Even if you ‘accidentally’ heard what I was talking about, which I imagine is a very common mistake of yours, I will not discuss any of it with you.”

  Grace did not seem bothered by Lenna’s ferocity.

  Before Grace could cut in, she continued, “I don’t know where you got the idea that I killed my mother, but you need to drop it. I also don’t know if you believe it or if you’re just trying to get Remy into power because he’s nice and sweet and innocent. What I do know is that you’re right—the truth does always come out. Luckily, it already has.”

  Grace recoiled. “I despise that you think it is okay to lie about your mother’s death! It is despicable! It is bad enough that you found a lady to try to get yourself into power quicker, not to mention a husband! If you think that will get you onto the throne… You need to slow down. You need to release Remy and back down. You can’t be Queen. You just can’t, and I think deep down you know it’s wrong. Our people don’t want a murderer as a queen!”

  “Funny, that is exactly what I told my brother when he admitted he was a murderer.”

  Lenna smiled at Grace’s furious face.

  She said, “And these people are mine, not ours. You are irrelevant! You had very little power when you were my mother’s lady, and you stopped having power altogether the day she died. So I think you’re the one that needs to ‘back down”! You mean nothing to the kingdom now!”

  A man and a woman walked past them, and they both slowed down. Grace acknowledged them, and Lenna managed a smile.

  When they were gone, Grace lowered her voice. “There is power in loving someone and being responsible for protecting their legacy. And I have to protect Fay. Even though she is gone, I have to make sure everything that was hers is safe. You understand.” Her voice still had venom in it, but it also held genuine concern.

  “You don’t get to claim that your love for her trumps the love of her daughter. You have no right to speak for her over me. I knew her. I loved her. You were nothing to her! I know because there was no way my mother could have loved someone like you. Someone who doubts her daughter. I will speak in her place, not you. I will only make the kingdom better.”

  Grace’s expression didn’t change, but her energy was dying down. “I did love your mother. All her ladies did. She loved us too. I bet you didn’t even realize that, you were so focused on your own relationship with her. I remember when your mother first moved to Haeden as a new queen, she—”

  She wants you to be weak so she can take control. She wants you to miss your mother, to go soft. You can’t. You have power over her.

  Lenna spoke up over her careful tone: “Stop it! I don’t want to hear it! You are nothing! You cannot control me. If you continue to try, I will have you executed. Do not take this threat lightly! Go!”

  Lenna no longer flinched at her own harsh words. They empowered her.

  There you are, child. Never fear your own power.

  Grace said, “What, kill me like you killed your mother… and like you tried to kill your brother?” She smirked. “Yes, I know about that.”

  Lenna was ready to shout at her again, but the last comment shoved her words back down her throat. Lenna knew there was nothing Grace could do about her plans to kill Remy, but how did she find out? Which of her advisors would dare tell her?

  Grace seemed pleased by her shock. “Be careful, Princess Lenna,” She bared her teeth in a horrible smile, turned, and walked away calmly.

  ○○○

  Lenna’s insides were filled with hot, blistering oil. They were also fluttering with fear and aching from stress. The combination was brutal; as she paced in her bedroom, she wondered what feeling she would give in to first.

  Be strong, child. Don’t let yourself feel this way. You will fall apart again, and then again, and again. You cannot get your power when you are weak.

  The familiar anger enveloped her. The way Grace assumed she murdered her mother was unfair, and she hated her for it. It was unforgivable. She imagined doing horrible things to her, torturing her or banishing her or following through with her promise of execution. This feeling was necessary to protect herself, and her guardian would agree.

  But her guardian wanted her to fight against her rational fear, and that felt impossible. She had never had this much at stake. Even though Grace did not have formal power over Lenna, she was more than willing to do whatever was necessary to stop Lenna from becoming Queen. She didn’t know what she was capable of. The idea of her losing her position as Queen because of this woman was terrifying. Her guardian’s reassuring words were no match for her rational fear.

  The emotions flooding in were impossible to deal with. With the chaos inside her, she couldn’t find a way to both use her anger and battle her fear, so she did neither. Her body and mind fell apart, both flailing uncontrollably.

>   Lenna’s lungs stopped working properly; they made her breathe too quickly and shallowly, and she became dizzy. Her corset squeezed her already tight chest and made her panic more. When she walked, she felt like she might fall, but her restless legs kept moving through the unsteadiness. They carried her back and forth, kicking the furniture and the walls, oblivious to any pain she felt.

  Her hands wanted to move as well, and they stopped squeezing each other only to punch the wall, but it wasn’t enough. She dug her nails into her arm. It hurt, and it helped. It stunned her enough to numb the emotional pain.

  Again she paced, pulling her hair and scratching her skin until she bled and clumps of hair were ripped out. Eventually, she crawled onto her bed when her legs ached and she couldn’t move anymore. The pain all over her body caught up with her, and she cried.

  Stop right now. Control yourself. How can you let this happen? It is a pathetic thing, letting your emotions get the best of you.

  You disappoint your ancestors.

  She wasn’t sure what this meant; all she knew was that she couldn’t stand to disappoint anyone. She wished this need for approval would help her stop, but it only made her cry harder. All her feelings should have been purged with the endless tears, but they weren’t.

  Curled up in a shaking ball, she felt watched by whomever she had disappointed. The person or thing should have known it was too late to push her—it was over. She had done just what her guardian had warned her not to do: lose control.

  Twenty-One

  Lenna ran to Kendra’s room, which was almost at the opposite end of the castle from Lenna’s room. She quietly cried all the while and didn’t even think to hide it when she passed people.

  Kendra took a few minutes to answer the knock on the door, and when she opened it, she was in her nightgown. She rubbed her eyes and Lenna realized how late it was. “What do you want—” Her eyes widened as she focused on Lenna’s face. “Gods, what’s wrong? Lenn… Come in.”

  Lenna hugged Kendra and went inside. When she had been here before, she had always complained that the chairs were uncomfortable and the restricted light from the single small window was depressing, but today she didn’t care. She sat on the stiff chair and bounced her leg. The floor was an easier sight to fixate on than Kendra’s expectant face.

  “What’s wrong? Is it about your mother? Tell me.”

  Lenna shrugged and started blubbering. She found that she couldn’t get any words out or even form them in her mind. She opened her mouth several times to try to force out coherent thoughts, but could only come up with, “I… I just… I can’t do this…”

  “Can’t do what, hun?” Kendra knelt in front of Lenna’s chair and held her hand. Lenna squeezed it so hard that Kendra flinched, but smiled at her at the same time. “What is it?”

  “I don’t know what to do…”

  Kendra’s face was patient and sympathetic. She rubbed Lenna’s hand and waited.

  It took Lenna a while to turn her hopeless sobbing into sporadic weeping. “I’m just so overwhelmed,” she said finally. “With the marriage to Marco, which I know is a good thing, but it’s still a lot to process. There are a lot of big things that come with it, and with becoming Queen, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle it. And Grace…”

  “Fay’s lady? What is she doing? Do I need to have some stern words with her?” She put her fists up and put on a small smile.

  Lenna didn’t laugh. “She doesn’t like me, and she doesn’t want me to be Queen. She thinks that I killed my mother and that Remy is perfect and innocent. And I have a feeling she’s going to try something to stop me from taking the throne. People trust her, you know? I’m sure she has connections, and everyone has known her longer than they’ve known me. Even if they don’t trust her, she has some kind of influence I don’t quite understand. I honestly don’t know what she’s capable of, and I don’t want to find out.”

  “So I do need to fight her.”

  With the words off her chest, Lenna finally laughed a little, and Kendra looked relieved. She looked up for the first time. “I’m scared, Kendra. I don’t know what to do or what to expect.”

  “You’ve never had to face anything like this. Of course you’re scared. It’s scary to be at the top because people can pull things out from under you, and then you fall. And you can’t fall, because we need you to be Queen. You’re strong, and smart, and people respect you. You just need to use all that to fight. I know you can do it. You’re more than capable of defending yourself. So whatever Grace, or anyone else, throws at you, you throw things right back.”

  Lenna sniffled and wiped her wet face. “I don’t know what she’s going to throw at me though, so how do I know what to throw back?”

  “I think you’ll know what to do when the time comes. I know you. This is a slip-up, but you’ll be ready when you have to be. You’ve gotten through so much, Lenn. Do you even realize that? And it’s all making you stronger, I can see it…”

  Kendra’s conviction slipped by her last words, and she looked away from Lenna for a moment. She said quietly, “You just need to… channel it the right way.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Kendra shook her head. “It’s no matter, only an old woman tangled up in her thoughts. When you were young, you had slip-ups all the time. You would get scared, or even angry. But every time, you’d pop right back up and be okay. Do you remember? Ah, anyway… The past doesn’t matter. All I’m saying it you’ll pop right back up again. I have faith in you.”

  There was a pregnant pause as both women took deep breaths. Kendra stole glances at Lenna as if gauging what her reaction to her next words would be. Lenna gave in and looked back at her.

  Before Lenna could look away again, Kendra said carefully, “Maybe we can do something about getting Remy out of the dungeon? I know it makes you feel like your path to the throne is clear, but it isn’t right…”

  You did what you had to do. He is out of the way now; you can’t undo that.

  Lenna scoffed and turned away. “It has nothing to do with the opportunity to become Queen. You know what he did. I’m not talking about this right now.”

  Kendra’s compassionate expression faltered at the word “opportunity.” She looked at Lenna with a harder gaze. “Okay. All right, not right now.”

  If she is now an obstacle—

  “No,” Lenna muttered. Kendra looked confused but let it be.

  They sat in silence for a long while, Lenna trying to hold tears back behind her closed eyelids while Kendra rubbed her hand. Lenna suddenly stood and Kendra followed. “Thank you for comforting me,” she whispered as she walked toward the door.

  Kendra said, “Do you want to stay in here tonight? You can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

  Lenna felt her eyes welling up again at the kindness and she forced herself to hold it in. She turned back toward her and said hoarsely, “Yes. Please.”

  She wants you to be soft. To give up all you need to become Queen. Don’t forget, I am all you need. She is nothing but a nursemaid. She doesn’t care like I do.

  It wasn’t true—she could tell from the way Kendra’s face had already softened again, despite her frustration. From her offer to let Lenna sleep here. From the look of her maternal body—her soft, dark skin, the light lines around her eyes and mouth, her full lips that spoke gentle words. She was more than a nursemaid. She was family.

  Kendra nodded and gestured to the bed.

  Lenna hesitated. “Can you sleep in the bed with me?”

  When Kendra smiled, she saw her true mother—not the one who had given birth to her, but the one who had raised her. “Of course.”

  Both women had to squeeze into the narrow bed, but Lenna didn’t care. All night, she was comforted by Kendra’s warmth next to her.

  ○○○

  Throughout the next day, Lenna would occasionally remember her breakdown and crave Kendra’s company again. Kendra was her sanctuary, the person who would ta
ke her in and hug her instead of pushing her too hard. She needed to be pushed, she knew, but she also needed a safe place. She was her mother, her friend, her greatest support. She wondered if Kendra needed her too.

  While she was mid-thought, someone knocked on her bedroom door.

  Lenna did not answer until she heard Kendra’s unmistakable voice say her name. She called for her to come in.

  Kendra looked like she had been crying. “Hi, Lenn,” she said. “I just wanted to check up on you.” Her voice was somber. “You don’t look great.”

  “You don’t look much better,” Lenna said.

  Kendra sniffed and said, “I’m fine, don’t you worry about me.”

  “Me too. I’m okay.”

  Kendra gave a half amused, half sad laugh and sat across from her on her bed. “I can’t say I’ve been threatened by my mother’s lady, but I want you to know I understand what you’re going through with your mother.”

  She tried to conjure old feelings about her mother’s death; she couldn’t, so she played along. “How’s that?”

  “I’ve had my fair share of these times myself.”

  Lenna examined Kendra’s tear-stained face. “What happened? Your son?”

  Kendra nodded but stopped herself. “You don’t need to worry about me and my life when you’re already trying to hold yourself together. I’m fine, and I’m here for you now. That’s all that matters. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I understand completely, and I’m always going to be here for you.”

  “No, it’s okay. I’ve never asked about you much before. You can talk about whatever happened. I want you to.”

  Kendra opened her mouth to protest, but Lenna teased, “It might distract me, anyway.”

  Kendra sighed. “You really don’t want to hear an old woman’s story… Oh, fine.” She rubbed her eyes. “It was my son, Mason. I’ve told you a little about him. Well, no, it started with my husband, I guess.” She stared at her hands thoughtfully, looking like she might cry, until Lenna touched her arm. She looked up and cleared her throat. “You’ll have to bear with me, Lenn. Let’s see, I guess we could start with when I met ex-husband. No, no, that’s too far back, you don’t care about all that. The first important thing, I guess, was when he hit me.” She nodded. “Yes, that’s it.”