World Devoted

by Emily Albert

  Kendra squeezed her hand almost as hard as Lenna had squeezed hers.

  “We were back in Amoretta when I was with him. I was a nursemaid there too. In fact, your mother chose me specifically to come with her to Haeden because she wanted me to help take care of her children. Did you know that?” Lenna shook her head. “Ah, well, I’m glad I did come here. Best thing that ever happened to me, I can tell you that.

  “Anyway, Kasim and I had a rough relationship, even from the start. He would hit me, and I would forgive him and say I deserved it. But that is to be expected in many relationships. Not in your parents’ relationship, though. Oh, no, they were close as could be. And your marriage will be the same, I’m sure. Or else I’ll have to have a word with him as well.” She slammed her fist in the other hand and winked at Lenna.

  “But then it got worse when I told him I wanted to take the offer to leave. Everyone in Amoretta was family, he said; we couldn’t leave them. We couldn’t move little Mason—my baby was only two at the time. But I had to go. I had to go for Fay, and I had to go to follow the money I could make. I make much more than I did in Amoretta. Still, he wanted to stay, so one night when we were having a disagreement, he hit me. It wasn’t just once though, like normal. He didn’t give me a tap and pull back like he always would. No, he hit me again and again and again.” Kendra looked down again and knitted her eyebrows. “There wasn’t enough makeup in the world to cover all that up.”

  Lenna tried to push away the images of bruises and cuts on Kendra’s face.

  “For some reason, I kept pushing, telling him I had to go. I was brave back then, I guess.” She laughed and shook her head as if she couldn’t believe it. “Every time we talked about leaving for Haeden, it would be the same thing. I’m surprised I don’t still have the bruises to show for it. So I knew I had to do something. What if Mason grew up and Kasim started to hit him too? And if he learned to copy his father’s behaviors… I couldn’t live with myself. I took Mason one night when Kasim was asleep, and we traveled on our own to Haeden. I told Fay she could meet me there. I could have waited to leave with her, I’m glad I left. Gods know what would have happened if we had waited any longer.

  “Once we were here and all set up in the castle, I thought we were in the clear. I thought Mason and I were safe, I would have more than enough money to live off of, and Kasim wouldn’t follow us. And I was right about that—he didn’t follow us. But then something happened to Mason. He got terribly sick. He wouldn’t eat or drink. He cried constantly. I did all I could! I took him to the infirmary, but there was nothing they could do. They couldn’t find what was wrong. They said it could have been a disease from Amoretta that they had never seen… And that made me think maybe I shouldn’t have taken him away at all, that I should have endured Kasim’s abuse. If it was an illness from my home country, those doctors would have known how to treat it.” Kendra looked at Lenna intensely but was more lost in thought than trying to communicate her feelings. “A while later, he passed.”

  Lenna started to cry, though Kendra was finished with her own tears. “Kendra, I—”

  “It’s okay, hun.” She smiled weakly. “I’m okay now. But after Mason’s death, I was a wreck. I felt so guilty that I convinced myself it would have been worth it to stay. Now I see more clearly what my options had been. I could stay for my own certain death—either of my body or my spirit—or I could leave, giving my baby a chance of a good life. Seems simple now. I had no way of knowing that Mason wouldn’t make it. I made the right choice given the circumstances, and I have accepted it.”

  Kendra paused and rubbed her eyes, and Lenna could tell there was no way to fully accept the loss of a child.

  When she put her hands down, she said, “At the time, I didn’t eat or drink, because if my baby couldn’t, how could I? I could barely do my job because every baby reminded me of him.”

  “How can you stand working in the nursery now?”

  “I’ve healed, I suppose. It even comforts me at times. None of them will ever be my baby, my Mason, but sometimes they’re close enough to fill the gap.” She paused to think. “I think that’s what you have to do. You’ll never have that same person, but you make do with others. They start to fill that hole, even if it may never close all the way.”

  She thinks she can be that person. She can’t. She thinks you long for your mother, that you are so weak you miss what once held you back. She doesn’t understand that you are becoming so much more than a grieving girl. I fill any gap, and more.

  Kendra said, “That’s how I can relate to you. Mason is the reason I know grieving so well. All this has brought him up, and I’ve been struggling a bit.”

  Her guardian’s words rang somewhere deep in Lenna’s head, but she heard them. She felt the urge to ask Kendra, “Does that mean that’s what I am? A filler?” But even with her guardian holding her up, she knew she wasn’t in any state to process the answer, and Kendra wasn’t in any state to give it.

  Instead she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that all happened to you…” Lenna played idly with the tassels on her bed.

  “How could you have known?”

  “You’ve taken care of me my whole life, and I never stopped to ask about your life.”

  Kendra shrugged and wiped away tears. “It wasn’t your story to worry about. You’re young. You need to be focused on your life, not your old nursemaid’s.”

  She’s right. She is irrelevant.

  Lenna looked straight at Kendra and smiled, a small attempt to fight for her family.

  Kendra smiled too. “No matter what happened with my baby Mason, you’ll always be my baby too.”

  ○○○

  Still, Lenna ruminated on thoughts about what Grace could do to her. She wanted to listen to her guardian tell her she could tackle Grace, but the woman was more than she had anticipated. Beneath her facade of confidence, she felt like a small, trembling child.

  I can make you bigger. All you must do is listen and fight.

  As Lenna lay on her bed staring at a book, trying to read and occupy herself, these thoughts filled her mind with haze. She could manage to focus for a second, but it wouldn’t stick. The haze cloaked all her senses.

  She snapped out of the trance when two rowdy men stomped by her room. She blinked at the book, then around her room, and pushed herself up to sit. It was impossible to tell how long she had been lying there. The thought was somewhat disturbing. Fear made her a different person, and certainly not the person her guardian wanted her to be.

  Let’s go. You can’t lie here forever. You have to confront it. Are you going to fail me again, fail your ancestors?

  “Okay,” she said to herself, “Get up. We have to get up. Let’s go.” The sound of her own voice was startling after all this time in silence. “Okay,” she said again. Hesitantly she swung her legs over the side of her bed. After this step she was even more exhausted than she had been. She didn’t want to stand. Then she remembered Kendra. Maybe she couldn’t deal with Grace, but she could walk to Kendra, and that was at least some kind of movement.

  “Okay,” she repeated, trying it out again as a quiet motivator. Somehow, she got up, and without giving herself time to lose momentum, she walked briskly to the nursery.

  When she got there, she flung the door open and was greeted by the comforting smell of newborns and baby powder. “Okay, I did it. I got up. I…”

  Kendra was standing still over a crib, staring at a baby. She didn’t even turn to look at Lenna.

  “Kendra? Are you okay?” Kendra sniffled and shifted on her feet but stayed where she was. “What’s wrong? What are you thinking about?” Worry nestled in the pit of her stomach alongside the fear already there.

  Kendra whispered something she couldn’t hear.

  “What? I’m sorry…”

  Kendra turned a little bit and spoke up with a hoarse voice, “I want a baby.”

  Kendra’s eyes looked heavy, and her body moved tiredly. The room was eerily fille
d only with the babies’ small noises. After Lenna’s long silence, Kendra looked resigned and turned back to the baby.

  “Am I not enough?” Lenna choked out.

  Kendra turned around with furrowed eyebrows and desperately sad eyes, pleading for her to take back the question. Lenna didn’t. She opened her mouth and hesitated for a moment. Lenna felt a punch to her stomach and ran out of the room. She left the door open, which was somehow sadder than slamming it. It wasn’t an angry gesture, just a hopeless one.

  See? She doesn’t care for you like I do. She doesn’t matter, child. You only need me. When will you stop trying to find what you need in worthless people?

  Lenna ignored it; the hit she took was too strong. She didn’t slow down enough to think until she got to the forest. Not to the abandoned garden, which meant nothing now, but to a lonely spot among trees.

  Kendra wanted a child. A different child, a new child. The one she had been raising for nineteen years wasn’t good enough—how could she be when they weren’t really related? When she wasn’t Mason? If the mother she was related to wasn’t here, and a mother she wasn’t related to didn’t want her, who could she belong to? How could she live with only the company of someone—something—she couldn’t see or touch?

  Real people only betray you, and they always will. You will always have me. I promise to never betray you. I am all you need.

  Even with the promise of betrayal from anyone real, her guardian’s deep kindness had returned. It was softer and warmer than any voice she had ever heard. It wasn’t a real person whom she could see and hug, but maybe it loved her more than any of them did.

  Lenna uncurled from the ball she was in. Her guardian was loud, strong, and booming. It was insistent and mysterious. But it was more than that: It was soothing, and gentle, and nurturing. It was a constant presence that promised to never leave her. She believed now that it was enough. She wanted to belong to this. She wanted its unconditional love more than anything.

  Twenty-Two

  Weeks later, Lenna’s problems remained, but still she smiled. The presence of her guardian which had been looming over her was intimidating, but at times it was a warm embrace amid the fear and sadness. When everything was going wrong, she still had someone to trust and look out for her. So she smiled and twirled so the bottom of her flowy white nightgown flared up.

  There was a knock at the door, firm but delicate. Lenna knew who it was immediately. Her stomach flipped, but her smile did not totally fade. She wished Marco wouldn’t visit her this late. He had come to her room at night frequently since she had accepted her engagement. Maybe it was because she never went to him, or maybe he liked seeing her with her nightgown on and her hair down. Maybe he wanted the darkness to inspire romance.

  She smoothed her hair down as she swung the door open. Of course it was him, standing there with a charming smile and shining eyes. Even this late at night, he managed to look put together. The muscles of his arms showed through his crisp white tunic, and his dark hair never seemed to get tousled. Lenna remembered Coira asking if he was handsome, and she knew what she would say now.

  This couldn’t be romance for her, though; it was her key to power. It didn’t matter if he was the perfectly groomed, shining picture of charm or some plain-faced bum who looked no better than Coira. As long as he had a respectable title and would allow her to make choices as Queen, he would be the perfect husband.

  Every time Lenna saw Marco standing in front of her in private, his age struck her. Just as Kendra had said, this man was around ten years older than her, and he looked it—his body more filled out and mature than her teenage one—but he also acted it. His demeanor was calmer and more serious than boys her age. If they tried to court her, their immaturity and playfulness would be unbearable. Marco had the air of someone whom she could feel safe around once she got to know him. But for now, standing confidently in her doorway, his age was plain intimidating.

  “Good evening, Princess Lenna. I hope you’re doing well tonight.” He bowed his head, then looked up at her with steady eyes.

  “I’m well, thank you,” Lenna said, more quietly than she wanted to. She didn’t want to be like this. She wanted to roar and make the world hear her when she spoke, but she couldn’t muster anything close to that in her nightgown with this man so close to her. For a faltering moment, she believed she couldn’t disregard romance after all. But she had to, to get where she deserved to be. She had to.

  Lenna stood up straighter, trying to own how exposed she was. “What can I do for you, Prince Marco?” She sounded louder this time, surer of herself. She smiled a bit at it, and so did he.

  “I know it’s late, but I thought we could talk. Get to know each other. It seems most royals are quite busy during the day, which is why I have been visiting you at night. I have loved speaking to my fiancée privately. I hope it hasn’t been an imposition.”

  He wants to weaken you. Sneak into your heart and take away the barriers you’re building around it. He will tear you down from the inside.

  “I would say it is an imposition, actually. You think speaking with a woman alone in her bedroom, under the cloak of darkness, is appropriate?”

  Marco hesitated and the smile was almost wiped off of his face. Almost. He recovered and brought a playful glimmer to his eyes. “Your Highness, I am not here for anything so bold as what you are assuming. I find you very beautiful, yes, but also very interesting, and intelligent, and strong. I would only like to get to know you.”

  “You act as if you already do know me. You don’t. Except for perhaps the rumors you’ve heard of the feuding twins of Haeden, which may or may not consist of lies—I’m not sure, I try not to listen to them—you don’t know anything about me.”

  Lenna’s skin crawled as his cheerful, flirtatious front still didn’t change. “You’re right, I don’t. That’s why I’m here right now. Perhaps this isn’t the best of circumstances, but my intentions are the same. I’ve been trying to catch you where I can. I am interested in who you are as a person, and I was hoping you would grace me with that insight.” He gave a tiny bow, so overly respectful that Lenna wondered if he was teasing her. His serious face that followed told her that he wasn’t. What could be the harm in talking? If anything, she would prove her power through her words.

  She sighed. “Come in. But you’re telling me about yourself first.”

  He gave her a wide smile and another small bow. “Whatever you wish.”

  Rolling her eyes, Lenna stepped aside and led him to a chair. She was uncomfortably aware of her turned-down bed and that days’ clothes draped over the chair next to his. She took them off and put them on her bed, trying to look casual. Marco pretended not to notice.

  “So, you’d like to hear about me tonight?” Marco asked.

  “Sure.”

  “All right then.” Marco cleared his throat. “As you know, I’ve heard quite a bit about your family recently, as well as stories of your ancestors. But if you don’t want to talk about yourself, I can start with my own family. How much have you heard?”

  “Not much. I know Elawar is respectable enough. You lost both your parents, but you have an older brother who took the throne and married. How does that feel? Having to marry into another country and rule there while your brother gets your home country?”

  Once again, he smiled sickeningly and Lenna gave him a blank expression in return. “It was hard. But that’s the way it works. And it’s good, because this way I got to meet you.”

  “Like I said, Prince Marco, you don’t know me.”

  “I will. But in any case, all I meant was I’ve heard you’re going to be a good ruler, and I’m looking forward to being a part of that with you.”

  He is here to serve you, not share your power. He will be nothing to the kingdom, nothing to you. Nothing.

  “Anyway, if you want to know about my family, I could go on until we both fall asleep. I assume you don’t want to know that much. And since my parents are no longer in
the picture, there’s no point in talking about them—”

  “No, tell me about your parents.” She wasn’t sure why she was letting him stay.

  What are you doing? Are you starting to care for him? Do you want him to even think that you care for him? Imagine what this will bring! He is going to think that he is your partner, your equal. Why do you have to be like this, letting your feelings get the best of you! Do you have no aspirations for your future? Pathetic, emotional girl, you can’t even keep your life together!

  She twitched but held a straight face.

  “Oh, of course. Well, they died several years ago—first my father from illness, then my mother from a different, worse illness.”

  Real people will only betray you.

  As he spoke Lenna felt pangs in her head, beating over and over like a drum. She tried to push the thoughts back, tried to will her guardian to understand that this conversation didn’t make her weak. But the pangs only got harder and louder, and after a moment she couldn’t even hear Marco speaking. The only thing she could think to do was yell, “Stop!”

  Marco stopped talking and stared at her with wide eyes. Her head was quiet. She hunched over, rubbing her temples. “Just stop,” she whispered.

  “Are you all right? What happened? Did I say something to upset you?”

  “I don’t need to hear about your parents. You’re right, they’re gone. It’s not relevant.”

  “Okay… what would you like to hear about then?”

  Nothing. Make him leave. You don’t need to know a single thing about him.

  Lenna strained against the thing inside her, then wondered why she fought it. It was right: she didn’t need to know his story if all he was good for was helping her get what she needed. Caring would only hurt her. When she looked away from his face, she knew that. “You need to leave—”