World Devoted

by Emily Albert

  “You tell me,” Grace challenged. “You’re the Princess. You get to decide everyone’s fate, isn’t that right? Good or bad? Like your mother’s and your brother’s?” Grace sounded choked up but didn’t try to push Lenna off.

  Lenna got a glimpse of people around her looking panicked, eyes wide and hands over mouths. She barely saw Ollivan out of the corner of her eye. He gave her a stern look, a very clear warning.

  I told you to be careful. They will never love you this way. How could you lose control? Again?

  Suddenly she realized what this looked like. She was up against Grace, nostrils flared, ready to swallow her, while she did not put up a fight. Grace was taunting her, yet Lenna was the one who looked like the menace. That was what she wanted. No one would ever see her as trustworthy and gracious as she towered over an innocent with her teeth bared. She threw Grace’s head back. The final force felt was so satisfying that she wanted to laugh into the quiet room.

  “Just remember all I’ve told you,” Lenna said. She marched out of the room and didn’t look back.

  In the hall, Ollivan appeared at her side. “Stop,” he said.

  Lenna didn’t stop.

  “I know you don’t want to listen to me, or anybody, but you need to stop. Now.”

  She still didn’t, and Ollivan stepped in front of her.

  “What? I don’t want to hear it.”

  “You’re in too deep,” he whispered. “I know you think you know what’s best, but you’re on your way to hurting yourself. Just… be smart. Please, please, be smart.” Ollivan was tense, looking at her with pleading eyes. “I know what you want to do. I can see it in your eyes. Don’t forget I’ve felt that lust before. And I need you to promise me you’ll learn from my mistakes. It’s not too late to save yourself.”

  I’ll teach you to be careful. Everyone needs you here. You can’t run from your destiny. From me. Your ancestors are counting on you to be better than them.

  She wanted control, and she had it. This was no mistake. Killing Grace was something she had to do to achieve justice. It didn’t matter who opposed it. That was what she told herself. There had to be justice, and it was only right that the victim of the crimes carried it out. She thought her guardian would allow her that much.

  No… She must die, but not at the expense of your sanity.

  Lenna swatted at the air around her as if waving away a fly. She didn’t want to hear it. It didn’t understand. Maybe she had let her emotions take her too far before, but she would do this to save herself—her life, her crown, and her sanity. She needed the closure. Someone she could hire would do it for the money, not for justice. She wondered if she would kill Remy herself if he were still in the way.

  Ollivan looked like he might cry. “I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know the spiral you’re entering. You have to overpower it. Listen to me. Be smart.”

  “I am.”

  Your lines are blurring. They will fade and fade until nothing is right and nothing is wrong. Until there are only feelings. There is only so far you can go before you no longer have power, but insanity. You may have justice, but from a distance.

  Lenna pushed past Ollivan, hitting his shoulder hard with her own. He tried to grab her arm, but she slipped out of his grasp.

  Justice would fit best if the victim carried it out. She deserved to make herself safe. It would be so right. So sweet.

  Thirty-Two

  Early in the morning, Vannette had brought Lenna a note from Grace. She had opened it and read the scratchy writing: “Go ahead. Backup is ready.” She had only laughed. Even if it wasn’t a bluff, Lenna was ready for them.

  She had a plan. She had been up all night thinking about it, not much about the details, but rather what it would look like, feel like. She would have Grace tightly in her hands, looking into her eyes as her life ended. As she had mulled it over, her guardian rambled on. It was scared, but she wasn’t.

  As soon as the sun rose, Lenna was ready. She told a guard outside her door to summon Grace to the courtyard. She would at least practice enough caution to not call her to her bedroom.

  Grace met her, hands on hips and eyes rolling. Lenna smiled at her as she approached.

  “Ready to start another public fight, then? Humiliate yourself again?”

  Lenna shook her head calmly. “I wanted to apologize.”

  Disbelief, disappointment, and skepticism all crossed Grace’s face. “What?”

  “It was a horrible thing I did. You were only trying to do what was right for the country. I realize that now. I let my anger get the best of me, and I’m sorry.”

  Grace looked at her with untrusting eyes. “And you think I should believe this?”

  Lenna wasn’t sure why, but she hadn’t really thought about what she would do if Grace didn’t believe her. Part of her figured that she was practically a child, and this old woman would find it in her heart to forgive her reckless, immature behavior. But she could also imagine the image of her wild, fearsome eyes and grip on her neck flashing through Grace’s mind.

  “I know you have no reason to believe me, Grace,” Lenna said faintly. She bowed her head. “Perhaps I don’t even deserve forgiveness, but I thought I had to try. No more scenes. No more embarrassment. I promise.”

  Grace scoffed. “I didn’t believe your last promise, and I don’t believe this one. Besides, you’ve already shown your true self in more ways than one. If I forgive you, everyone will be free to follow you. I can’t let them fall for your ruse.”

  “I hope that somewhere deep in your heart, you know I didn’t kill my mother. I may have made mistakes with you, but I could never…” She sniffled and flexed both of her hands, studying them as if they alone had made the monstrous mistakes. “I’m not a monster.”

  She thought about her father’s words about Remy. “I’m not quite sure what was going through my brother’s head when he did it. My father believes it was him, though. He thinks it was because of how empathetic he is. Just like Remy said, he couldn’t take seeing her sick.”

  Lenna thought it was convincing enough, especially because that part was true, but Grace scoffed again.

  “I’ve seen what you’re capable of,” Grace said bitterly. “So has everyone else. We have no reason to believe that Remy committed murder because he was too nice. You, on the other hand… There’s no way anyone could deny you would have no trouble taking a life.”

  Lenna found this tragically hilarious. She took a deep, shaky breath and with some effort, started to cry. “I just… I just wish that you could see that both of us are telling the truth. You were our mother’s best friend, and I just… I just miss her sometimes, and I was hoping I could have the respect of someone she was connected to. You watched both of us grow up, after all. You know neither of us would lie… I think my mother’s death is the reason I’ve been acting out. And like I said, I regret it more than I can tell you. But I need to change, for her.” Lenna gave a few noisy sobs, then put on a grave face and looked up at Grace.

  Something in Grace seemed to crack when she mentioned Fay. It was as if some of her edges softened and she looked at Lenna almost gently. “I miss her too,” she said, some doubt lingering in her voice.

  Lenna cried again, harder, hoping it would wipe away the last bit of hardness in Grace. She rubbed her arms briskly, then her face as she slowly pulled herself together. “How did you get past it? You knew her for so long, and it must have been hard for you too. I can’t seem to get over it. I don’t think I ever will.”

  Grace sighed, finally looking at Lenna with complete compassion. “I try to keep myself busy with other things, other people. You have Marco. I have my husband and my children. Sometimes I find things to remember her by. Objects, places, or songs that let me remember without holding on too tight. But ultimately, I don’t think there is any way to get through it except with time.”

  Lenna opened her eyes wider, feigning a realization. “I do have something I use to remember her.”

&n
bsp; “What is it?”

  “I found a garden in the woods. Wonderful flowers and an old, sophisticated feel. It’s been hard to go there recently. I found it when my mother had just died, so it reminds me of all the fresh feelings. It might help me now, after I’ve had all this time to collect myself.” She scratched her head and bit her lip bashfully. “I wonder if… I wonder if you would come with me now. It would probably make it easier to have someone to share the feelings with.”

  Grace glanced around the courtyard uncomfortably. She looked Lenna up and down.

  Lenna started to tear up again and turned her head away.

  Grace said slowly and without a smile, “I suppose it would be good for both of us.”

  Lenna’s eyes lit up. “Thank you. I can show you where it is.”

  Lenna led Grace to the abandoned garden, excitement and anxiety tumbling in her stomach. Neither spoke, and when Lenna suspected Grace was getting suspicious, she wept and covered her face with her hands. Grace dragged far behind her by the end of the walk—Lenna hoped it was from exhaustion, not suspicion.

  “We’re almost there,” Lenna said pointedly.

  “Good, good,” Grace panted.

  They approached the wrecked garden and Grace slowed down even further. “What happened?”

  Lenna turned back to her when she got close and said, “I did it… One of my many mistakes.”

  Grace frowned. “Why…” Her face grew grim. She looked behind her as if judging if she could run back, then clutched her abdomen. “Why did you bring me here?”

  “It’s still just like my mother, isn’t it? Ruined? That’s how she died, and that’s how the idea of her remains. You can’t deny that. She hadn’t been beautiful for a long time.

  “I was wondering,” Lenna mimicked her own mock innocence, “if you’d like to connect with my mother again.” She cocked her head.

  Grace glowered.

  “No? I know you would probably like to be in the position to have your ashes scattered in the real castle garden. But no matter how much you try to control the castle, you’ll never be royal. I thought the next best thing would be this place.” She motioned all around her.

  Lenna casually picked up a shriveled flower she had pulled up before. Its ball of roots was still intact. She held it gently so as not to wreck it.

  “Do you know what kind of flower this was?” she asked.

  Sweating, Grace shook her head.

  “No, me neither. They were all gorgeous, but…” Lenna shrugged, then looked thoughtful. “I imagine this is what happens to bodies after a long time—they become unrecognizable. Sad, really.”

  Lenna scared herself with the excitement she felt from watching Grace panic.

  Grace was breathing heavily. “Please…”

  Lenna raised her eyebrows. “Oh, your words can’t help you now. You’ve gone too far.”

  “Didn’t you see my note? I have people that will come after you. You’ll never get away with it.”

  Lenna just laughed.

  “You said you made mistakes. Don’t make more. This is a big one. You’ll never become Queen with blood on your hands.”

  Lenna laughed maniacally. “You think people will find out with you all the way out here? No, I saw you go on a walk, where you must have been attacked, dragged away to who-knows-where by a kidnapper or an animal. Maybe I even happened to hear someone talking about something you did to them. There are many people who hate you, even if they hide behind fake loyalty. Without you there to brainwash them, they’ll admit your indiscretions. I’ll protect them, and they’ll have to believe me when I say that because they won’t have anyone else to keep them safe. I’ll coax out their secrets until they all look so guilty that there are endless suspects. Maybe none of your little birds will crack. But that’s okay, because that was only one of my ideas. In fact, I don’t need an elaborate plan. It would be so easy for you to just… disappear. I would send out search parties—an honest attempt to save you—but even when people searched, they wouldn’t find you.” Lenna advanced toward Grace, passing the dead flower from hand to hand. “That blood will be washed off my hands before I even leave this garden.”

  “They’ll never believe you.”

  Lenna smiled coldly. “You believed me, didn’t you?”

  Paralyzed, Grace stared at Lenna as she got closer. It was only as Lenna got almost within reach that Grace turned and ran. She wasn’t fast enough; Lenna barely had to run to catch up with the tired woman. She snatched the skirt of her ugly yellow dress and pulled Grace toward her.

  She only tried to escape her grasp for a moment, then gave up and turned to her. “Please. You’re going to regret this.”

  Lenna pulled her closer, the dead flower and clump of roots in the other hand. There was vicious encouragement running through her head, but it was all her own. It trumped her guardian yelling Don’t. You can’t. You foolish, reckless child, you’ll ruin everything. What happened to control? Maybe I was wrong; maybe you’ll never control yourself.

  This felt like control. It felt like taking matters into her own hands when no one else would. It felt like saving her own life no matter how she had to do it.

  Lenna hung the flower above Grace’s already open, panting mouth. Dirt fell into it, and she coughed.

  Lenna moved her hand from her dress to her throat before Grace could move. She tilted her head back and kept the flower in place.

  “You sure like to talk, don’t you? I think that needs to change. No one likes a woman who talks too much when she’s not supposed to. ‘Mind your business,’ they say. I think I can help you with that.”

  She smiled at Grace, who shut her eyes.

  “But don’t worry, it won’t be all bad. Because I also noticed how much you like to eat.” Lenna held Grace’s jaw so her mouth stayed open. She brought the flower closer so Grace gagged on the dirt falling down her throat. “I thought I would make it at least a little bit enjoyable for you. You know, dying.”

  Grace flared her nostrils shuddered.

  “And like I said, maybe this will help you connect with my mother again.”

  Lenna stayed there for a moment, enjoying the terror on Grace’s face and waiting for approving words from her guardian that did not come. It was okay; she approved enough for both of them.

  She pushed Grace to the ground and straddled her, plunging the cluster of dirt and roots into her mouth. As she held the flower and pinched her nose, she said, “I told you a while ago that if you kept talking, I would make sure you shut up. I meant it. That was no idle threat.”

  Lenna smiled as she watched the life drain from Grace’s face and her body go limp. After a moment she backed off and stood, leaving the flower in place.

  The whole forest was quiet, and now that her rush had died down, she was keenly aware of her guardian’s silence. It was disappointed. It hated her. She hadn’t realized how much she depended on its presence until now. It had been angry. It had screamed. While that hurt, being ignored was another beast entirely. When it spoke, even with unkind words, she wasn’t alone with her actions. Now she was left to face what she done without someone to share it with. Lenna couldn’t even muster any of her own pride in place of its voice. For the first time, she thought about what it would be like to run away.

  The thought was fleeting. She did what she had to do—that was all she could force into her mind. It was what she willed her guardian to understand.

  Approval never came and the silence settled into her bones. Her heart started racing. Her hands were dirty. The body in front of her was lifeless because of her. Her stomach twisted, and she rushed to the side to throw up. Her stomach emptied onto the already ruined ground.

  Unable to stand, Lenna crawled closer to examine the body. Grace’s death was so fresh that she looked like she might still be alive. Lenna watched her for a long time to make sure she wasn’t. For an instant, Lenna wasn’t sure if she wanted Grace to lie there or come back to life.

  The still corpse mad
e the decision for her. She pulled the flower out of her mouth, somehow feeling that she deserved at least that much respect.

  Lenna knew she couldn’t leave Grace’s body there. If someone found it, it could end everything. She had to bury her. With shaking hands and legs that threatened to give out, she dug a shallow hole, just deep enough for a human body to lie in.

  It was harder to lift a body than she had imagined. She had to close her eyes to avoid the nauseating sight, and it took all her strength to push Grace into the hole. She covered her with dirt, then stood back and looked at it with glazed eyes.

  It didn’t look natural. It looked like a new grave, because it was. If someone came out this far, they would surely find it. Knowing she could do nothing about it, Lenna collapsed mere feet from the grave and heaved again, though her stomach was empty.

  Are you satisfied?

  It was the voice of a parent seeing their child suffer from their own poor choices. It was cruel, but it felt minimally better than the silence. She let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Her guardian would always be there for her, just as it had promised countless times.

  A feeling of triumph was hidden deep beneath her shame, but it was there. She had accomplished her goal and knew she would be safer for it, as long as she could divert attention away from herself. A small, twisted sense of relief came with that knowledge. But no, in the moment, she was not satisfied. She crawled far away from the grave, looking at it and thinking numbly about what she had done.

  Thirty-Three

  Lenna forced herself to shrug off any trace of regret. Her guardian constantly told her not to fall apart. Where it would have once had a trace of compassion, it was stern and impatient. She couldn’t take back her crime, but she could harden herself against weakness. She couldn’t let anyone see her guilt, or she would fail completely.

  You’ll lose everything if you take every danger on yourself. But it is done. Now fix it. And more importantly, fix yourself.