World Devoted

by Emily Albert

  She tried to think of the murder in the abstract; that was the only way the vivid details would not make her fall apart. She had been in the forest, and Grace had died. Now she could become Queen. There was a time for reflection, which would sear into her brain how her actions had made her feel and stop her from being reckless again. But right before she announced Grace’s disappearance, she needed to forget she was guilty.

  Lenna stood up from her throne and cleared her throat. She said to the people of the castle gathered in the throne room, “I have been alerted of an emergency in the castle. Will Beckett, husband of Lady Grace Beckett, has informed me that he has not seen Lady Grace in the past forty-eight hours. Now, though it pains me to burden you with this, it is my duty to inform you of a missing person after two days. The next step is to send guards to search throughout the castle and surrounding areas. I would encourage you all to keep an eye out for her as well.”

  If Grace was not found, it would at least seem like she had tried her best and took the problem seriously. People would search, hopefully not find anything, and give up, resigned to this tragedy. As she got the hang of putting up this facade, she hardened until she felt just as fierce as she had before she killed Grace.

  Some people whispered or put their hands over their mouths. Ollivan frowned at her from the front of the crowd, looking very fatherly and ready to discipline her. She ignored him. If anyone else suspected that it was her, they did not show it.

  She put on a distressed face to perfect her point. “Remember: look everywhere you can, even places you would least expect to find someone. It is a mystery what could have happened to Grace, so we have to expect the worst. If all possible leads are exhausted or if she is not found within two weeks, I will have to withdraw the guards. At that point we will have to assume she will not be found.” Lenna looked around at them gravely. “We don’t want this to happen, which is why everyone has to put forth their best efforts to find Grace. Like I said, this is an emergency, so we have to do everything we can. Thank you.”

  Lenna sat back down. Hopefully no one would take her advice to look everywhere. The destroyed garden was probably far enough away, maybe even too far for the guards to consider searching there.

  She examined the mess around her—the panicked people, as well as those who had reasons to suspect her. The risk of someone finding the patch of loose, freshly dug dirt seemed greater as she looked at the fervent guards. She had done the job, but not well. If they did find her, she had backup stories, but her obvious aggression toward Grace would be plenty for some to suspect her.

  Her whole life depended on no one finding Grace’s body. She started to sweat.

  You will fight to clean up your mess no matter what it takes. No matter whom you have to take down to save yourself. The kingdom cannot lose you.

  Lenna’s breathing was fast and hard, and her vision started to blur, both with hysteria and tears. She knew people were looking at her, but she also knew it looked like she was crying over the loss of her mother’s lady. She put her hands over her face and turned away from the crowd.

  Your mistake is bad enough. It’s worse to let yourself drown in it. Don’t you dare cry over this. It is weak, pathetic. You should be done with your feelings over with. Get yourself together. Don’t let them see you vulnerable.

  She flinched and cowered into herself.

  Beside her, Vince looked deeply sympathetic as she sobbed noisily. She thought she could hear Marco saying something comforting to the crowd. Devon looked as if he didn’t know whether or not to comfort her. She wasn’t sure if she deserved it. She tried to drill what her guardian told her into her head: Get it together. Stop being weak. Don’t break down or they’ll know you’re guilty.

  Suddenly, she found Ollivan next to her on the thrones’ platform. He didn’t touch her, just said softly, “Lenna? I’m right here.”

  He wanted her to run from this chaos. Maybe it would be a release.

  Don’t you dare run. I didn’t think you were cowardly enough to consider it. Maybe I was wrong about your strength.

  She fell into him, her body an agitated mess. Amid the disarray, she was enveloped in his stable arms. The comfort only made her cry harder. She felt a moment of misery so strong that she lost herself and heard her own choked voice whisper, “Please help me.”

  Thirty-Four

  The next morning, Lenna woke up terrified and soaked with sweat. She braced herself for the punishing voice that would inevitably come. Her guardian would be furious, telling her she shouldn’t have asked for help, shouldn’t have reached out, shouldn’t have broken down. it would tell her she should appreciate its words and role in her life. It would torment her over the fact that in a moment of weakness, she had chosen her father over it.

  How could you? If you want it all, I can give it to you. Ollivan will make you deteriorate. Make you someone else who doesn’t want to achieve what you do. He made himself that way by abandoning all of us. He abandoned his family and his ancestors. I never will.

  That strange idea of her ancestors returned; she didn’t see how it was relevant. It floated over her head as she took in her guardian’s other words. It sounded disappointed, verging on hopeless. The words “I never will” were not said to comfort her, but to make her feel guilty for her betrayal. Like its silence after she killed Grace, her guardian’s disappointment rivaled the fury she had expected.

  She shut her eyes tight to all her thoughts, especially the memory of burrowing into her father. She had been weak; she knew it even without her guardian spelling it out.

  With shaking breaths, Lenna told a guard outside to find servants to fill her bathtub. She waited by the wooden tub, mindlessly fingering the curtains around it. The servants came, filled the tub with steaming water, and left when Lenna asked them to.

  Despite the servants’ warning that the water was too hot, she undressed and slipped into the scalding tub. Rather than flinching, she closed her eyes and sighed a long breath of relief. The hot water burned her skin, giving her a feeling much unlike the fearful, hollow one she had woken up with. The straightforward pain was easier to cope with. She submerged her whole body and head under the water, blowing bubbles until her lungs burned and she had to emerge.

  Lenna soaked, eyes closed, until her skin was used to the water. Some of her unwelcome feelings arose as the pain subsided, but they were smaller and far away.

  When she dunked the block of soap into the water, a slippery film formed on it. Before she touched it to her body, she turned it around in her hands, adding a layer of white cream and suds to her brown skin. The bar slipped and dropped back into the water with a satisfying splash. As Lenna rubbed her hands together, the velvety soap soothed her.

  She grabbed the bar of soap back and began to rub it over her entire body, letting it calm her skin and nerves. When all the soap was rinsed off and Lenna sat in milky water, she lulled into a sleepy, relaxed state.

  The only sound in the room was that of the water’s soft ripples when she moved. Soon, the silence began to wear on her. She was keenly aware of her guardian watching her, waiting for her to do something other than sit in a lukewarm bathtub. She couldn’t help but feel worthless even without it saying anything. Before, she didn’t think she would ever want to get out, but now she stirred.

  Lenna was tired. Tired of trying so hard to not provoke disappointment and hostility and tired of hearing her guardian’s judging voice when she did. She would do whatever it took to become Queen and claim the power they both wanted. She would listen and make it happy. She had only needed a moment of space.

  “What?” She said. “What do you want me to do?”

  You know.

  “Am I not allowed to bathe now? I have to constantly plan my journey to the throne and be an active ruler? Listen, I want it as much as you! But I’m tired! Why are you pushing me?” Lenna raised her voice into the quiet, echoey room. Immediately, her stomach sank as she waited guiltily for its response.

  You
messed up. Your father is going to try to ‘fix’ you. He thinks you need to be saved from me. You can’t let him brainwash you. You have to stay with me. Do you understand? It is critical that you have this power I can help you reach.

  Her guardian was frantic. It reminded her of how she spoke when she couldn’t get the power she wanted.

  “I will,” she said, quietly this time. She shivered. “I will.”

  Good. You betrayed me last night. You were scared, so you betrayed me. It is unacceptable. What are you going to do about it?

  Lenna felt her eyes well up as she remembered the intense fear she had felt last night.

  Well?

  “What do you want me to do?” she choked.

  Fix it. You cannot let him in. You are so weak that you will surely let him take you down if you go on like this.

  She had been scared, so scared. And her father’s arms had been warm.

  Lenna’s skin no longer felt clean and smooth. It started to itch and felt covered in a layer of something grimy. She splashed herself all over, then tried to rub the soapy water into her skin. When it didn’t help, she tried scratching the feeling away.

  What are you going to do? You have to fix it. You have to make it better. You can’t do this, not now.

  She scratched harder, trying to ignore the fact that the longer she sat, the worse the feeling would get. She clawed at her skin until she was choked up and tearful. It wasn’t working. This was all too much.

  “I can’t do it all! I’m tired!”

  You have to. You are the only one who can.

  The words struck her, and she went still without calming down.

  It has to be you.

  She got out and wrung out her wet hair, then passed a towel over her body and dressed, not paying attention to the outfit.

  She walked briskly around the castle, her guardian encouraging her. She found herself in the castle garden, and as she walked through it, the overwhelming heat weighed her down.

  Lenna wandered through the paths, wondering why she had chosen to come here, until she reached the central fountain. As soon as she approached it, she felt instant relief from her guardian’s intensity.

  Good. Good. Fix it.

  “What happened? Why do you want me here?”

  As if answering her question, Ollivan turned to her from the edge of the fountain. Lenna let out a long, perturbed breath.

  Fix it. Don’t ruin things for yourself, just fix it. Do you understand? You can’t let him ruin you.

  Lenna dragged herself up to the fountain. “What are you doing here?”

  “Waiting for you,” Ollivan said calmly as always. “I figured you would come here. I don’t know why, maybe it’s how calming it is out here. It’s an escape. And, I don’t know, maybe I figured you would think to meet me here. And look, you did.”

  As he said it, she was almost in her father’s arms again, begging for help from someone who only wanted to destroy her. Her guardian was right to lead her away from him.

  “I didn’t come here to meet you. I don’t need you or want to talk to you. I came out here for myself.”

  “Sure, that’s fair. But I think you need to talk to me. And I think you know that.”

  Remember what I have done for you. I am leading you to your destiny. He cannot say the same.

  Lenna swallowed. “Is this because of what I said last night? You think I really need your help? I was emotional, as the throne room and announcement were hectic. I don’t need help, unless you want to help me become Queen.”

  Ollivan looked deeply hurt, and it stung a very small part of Lenna in turn.

  Remember. Remember me.

  He said softly, all pain drained from his face, “You know I want to help you, but that isn’t the way. After yesterday, I thought you knew that.”

  “You keep assuming you know me, know what I want, what I’m thinking. But remember that you’re new here. You haven’t watched me as I’ve grown to fit my role. You know nothing about me or my potential. So if you think that I need help from you, you’re dead wrong.”

  Her guardian pounded impatiently in her head.

  Ollivan nodded slowly. “You think that because I have only recently seen you face-to-face, I can’t understand you. But with even the quickest glance, I see you more clearly than you see yourself. I’m sure that makes you feel very vulnerable, but I hoped it would also make you feel safe. Like if you’re struggling, you have someone to go to.”

  Remember me. I will help you. Trust me. I am your guardian, remember? I have always been here and always will be. I will always know what is best for you. Anyone who tries to oppose that is only in your way.

  Her guardian was becoming increasingly distressed. It didn’t want to lose her. No matter how angry it got at her mistakes, it always cared for her. Ollivan wanted to take that away from her.

  It was an easy choice of where to place her trust.

  Lenna gave Ollivan a deadly stare. “How could I leave something that loves me for a stranger who only wants to take that away and watch me crumble?”

  The bitter poison in her voice seemed to finally strike Ollivan. For the first time, he looked at her is if she were a stranger, too. He fell back onto the edge of the fountain and looked at the water, paralyzed.

  Any residual judgement turned into joyous praise. Lenna looked up, closing her eyes to the furiously bright, hot sun, and smiled.

  Thirty-Five

  Without telling Lenna, Marco had organized a dinner with “some of their closest friends” so they could trade fond memories of Grace and talk of Lenna’s rise to the throne. She wondered if he had seen the humor in grouping the two together. The search for Grace had been called off and she had been declared dead, but he knew that wouldn’t stop Lenna from progressing. He had invited her with such painful kindness that even the fear of her crime being discovered did not stop her from agreeing.

  Lenna sat at the head of the buffet table with Marco, Devon, Ollivan, Kendra, Vannette, and her three old friends. She looked them over and already knew it would be a mistake to sit down with them through dinner; there were too many minds who could figure out that she had murdered Grace.

  Everyone was distraught and looked to her with watery eyes. She dodged their glances and hoped it would look like mourning, not guilt.

  Avery, Hael, and Sierra were the first to make a fuss, practically lunging at her and talking about how long it had been since they had talked to her. When their elation and worries for Grace were met with a disinterested face, they had slumped into their seats, confused and embarrassed. They were so innocent, on a totally different plane from Lenna.

  Ollivan and Kendra watched her like protective parents, afraid she might break. Ollivan, she assumed, examined her because he thought her guardian might whisper evil ideas and cause a breakdown. Kendra, on the other hand, was unbearable to look at. The need to parent her was written all over her face, but Lenna did not know what she was worried about.

  Marco walked around the table to Lenna and rubbed her back. She whispered, “I don’t want to see any of these people.”

  Marco paused and looked into her distant eyes. “Why not? They’re all here to support you.” He smiled sadly. “I know things have been hard recently with the loss of Grace, but this dinner serves to bring everyone out of that sadness by letting them look to the future of your reign.”

  She couldn’t help but smile at that. She hoped looking to the future and celebrating would draw attention away from Grace’s death and who could be responsible.

  He turned to everyone at the table and said, “Thank you so much for coming. We both appreciate it.” They all nodded solemnly, except for Ollivan, who eyed her suspiciously. “We are gathered to mourn Lady Grace Beckett, who has inexplicably gone missing. Times have been trying in this castle with the loss of Queen Fay and her lady Grace. But we have good company and a wonderful meal prepared. Food makes everyone feel better, yes?” Even speaking at a reasonable volume, Marco’s voice boomed c
harismatically. Everyone chuckled. He placed a hand on Lenna’s back as he said, “And of course, who could not feel better when expecting our Lenna to soon become Queen?”

  She was almost on the mountain again, Marco showing her own power to her. There was no confirmation that she would become Queen anytime soon, but Marco believed it anyway. That was why she loved him.

  He walked back to his seat at the opposite end of the table before telling a servant near the door to bring out the food. He turned back to the guests. “We have a buffet to enjoy today. I have ordered lots of food to drown your sadness and inspire celebration.” He beamed at each person. “I was just telling our Princess Lenna that even in hard times, we must look forward. We must focus on our beautiful friend becoming Queen. We can’t very well get through any more hard times with a regent, now can we?” He smiled and laughed.

  He looked at Lenna warmly. “She will be the most wonderful queen Haeden has ever had. And I will be right alongside her.” He raised his glass of wine, and everyone followed as he took a sip.

  The elaborate meal was brought out: lamb, chicken, pork, venison, as well as two types of bread, dried and fresh fruit, and nuts. The smell alone was enough to keep any tension at bay. People started chatting.

  Marco played the role of a gracious host, starting a conversation with each person about a matter they were interested in. He tried to bring Lenna into them, but she only spoke a few careful words. The more she spoke, the more she could incriminate herself. Even by expressing that she was excited to become Queen, she could slip and reveal a desire that no one ought to know.

  Instead, she played out a lengthy conversation about her reign with her guardian. While she did, she stared down at her plate of an uneaten slice of bread and two plums. That was all that had been on it through the whole meal. Looking up, she saw everyone pushing around scraps of meat and bread on their mostly cleared plates.

  Through the dwindling conversation, Kendra looked straight at Lenna with tears in her eyes. Marco glanced back and forth between the two women with some anxiety.