200 Letters
Page 19
“Well, Jesus said they going to hell, so it must be true.”
“Actually, while Jesus walked this Earth, He never said that. He doesn’t even mention gay people. Jesus came not to condemn but to give life everlasting.”
“Well, it says gays are going to hell in the Bible. I do know that.”
“Yes, the Bible condemns sexual acts with the same sex; but it condemns all sex outside of marriage and we both guilty of that. How are we going to judge someone else for committing the same crime we have? Even if we were virgins, we all sin and fall short of God’s glory. How we gonna judge someone ’cause they sin differently than us?”
“So, you saying we should just let people get away with sinning? We shouldn’t correct gays? We shouldn’t correct murderers either, I guess; or rapists? We should just keep on letting them get away with it? When people don’t get corrected, they keep on sinning. We should just keep on sinning? That’s okay?” Erica ranted.
“No, I’m not saying it’s okay to sin. I’m just saying we shouldn’t be cruel, condemn, or be judgmental.”
“What about people who do us wrong? Who cause us harm? What about rapists? I was gang raped by three grown ass men. That’s how I lost my virginity. What about them? We should just let them go free?”
A few years back, Erica told me the tragic story of how she lost her innocence. It was one of her mom’s boyfriends and two of his friends. They were in their thirties and she was only twelve years old. They had coaxed her into trusting them by calling her “lil sis” and buying her candy, toys, and other gifts. She thought of them as family and thought they were safe until the day they sweet talked her into removing her clothes and they each took turns raping her. She was too scared to fight or say no, so she just cried. She never told her mom. I was the first person she ever opened up to about the incident.
“I am so sorry that happened to you, but the predators who hurt you were not gay men. They weren’t even human. They were monsters. They gonna get what they deserve, if they haven’t already. People like that should be locked up in a cage. If a person is compromising the safety of others then they should be restricted, be it in prison, jail, or if mentally sick, a hospital. But when people are sinning against themselves, we are supposed to let God handle that. Vengeance and judgement are not our job—that’s God’s job, and those who go around being cruel to other people…well, they will get theirs. That don’t mean we should go around being horrible cause someone was horrible to us.”
I figured Erica wouldn’t agree with me—many Christians don’t—but there is a biblical basis. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” (Matthew 7:1 NIV).
The Bible has many laws. Don’t murder (Exodus 20:13), don’t divorce (Matthew 5:32), don’t disobey your parents (Ephesians 6:1), don’t wear expensive clothes (1 Timothy 2:9), don’t engage in same sex activities (Leviticus18:22), etc. And all the laws were commanded by God for good reason.
But then we humans used our free will and got into situations that were complicated, so we started asking questions. But Lord, what about killing during war or during self-defense? What about divorce in cases of adultery or abuse? What if my mom tells me to do stuff that goes against what You tell me to do? What if I already paid my tithes and need to dress the part for a job interview? What if two men really love each other and pledge to be together forever?
And God answered. Many of the answers are in various scriptures and stories of the Bible, but God sent Jesus to really break it down for us. In Matthew 22:34, Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was. His answer is in Chapter 37—There are two. The first is to love God wholeheartedly and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself.
Then in Luke 10 someone asked a very important question, “Who is our neighbor?” and that’s when Jesus broke it down even further with the Good Samaritan Parable. In that story, there was a man who was beat up, robbed and left on the side of the road. A priest passed him. A Levite, who was someone of a similar ethnicity, religion, and social status, passed him. Then a Samaritan saw him and showed him kindness. The Samaritan was of a different ethnicity, a different religion, and a different socioeconomic status but he helped him, nursed him, and gave him food and shelter. Jesus asked, “Who do you think is the neighbor?” and the answer was obvious, the Samaritan. Jesus then says, “Go and do likewise.” (Luke 10:37)
But if I were around back then, my ignorant self would have asked back, “So, who is it?”
Yes, it is obvious that the moral of the story is that it does not matter what ethnicity or what religion a person comes from, what matters is if their hearts are good and their actions are kind.
But my question has always been this: What about the priest and the fellow Levite? Were they not my neighbors? What if the priest was busy dealing with the church’s dilemmas and that’s why he didn’t stop? What if my fellow Christian was too afraid to help thinking that the same fate may befall him if he helped? Maybe he was worried that it was a set up? What about the robbers? What if they were only trying to put food on their tables? In the story, it is obvious that the priest, the Levite, and the robbers made mistakes and we do not know their reasons…so, do we stop loving people because they made a mistake? Does God stop loving us if we make mistakes? No. Not at all. Sin has consequences, yes, but God’s love never changes for us. There is nothing we can do to destroy the love God has for us.
Maybe my question wasn’t so ignorant after all. And Jesus answered that too, “…Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you…pray for those who mistreat you…” (Luke 6:27-28 NIV). And that’s the big picture. God put all these laws in the Bible as a guide to love God and to love others. Sin hurts others, ourselves, or God. Sometimes doing nothing is a sin also. If we go about our day and ignore those who are being hurt when we could help, that is a sin of omission.
I still felt guilty about not stopping Paul’s beating. Maybe that’s why I had a soft spot for homosexuals. It doesn’t hurt me if two men who love each other and are sexually active and it’s not my place to say it hurts God, so I’m not going to judge them. I don’t think they put idols before God by being with each other. That’s for God to judge, not me.
Now me cussing out, condemning to hell, or beating up someone because they are walking down the street holding another man’s hand, that hurts them, and all three actions are sin as stated in Ephesians 4:29, Luke 6:37, Titus 3:2, and Psalm 11:5.
Our conversation was becoming very heated. Erica usually wasn’t one to back down during a debate, I was—but, for whatever reason, she decided to change the subject.
“Look, I know the twins like Ethan. They told me all about him when they came back for being with you. But, for real, he got two crazy baby mamas. Usually when a man is surrounded by crazy women, it’s not the women, it’s the man that’s the problem.”
“Yeah,” I softly agreed.
“You love him, don’t you,” Erica asked.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Well, you know I’ll support you through whatever you decide to do; but Imma tell you straight up, I think you are too good for him. And I think his crazy ass baby mamas don’t deserve you, either. You’ve got family and friends who love you and appreciate you. Even Terrell’s family still supports you. You don’t need Naomi and Caroline to love you, too. You’re good.”
“You’re right.”
I sent Ethan an email:
Hey love, you know I am thinking that a lot of this stuff is coming from Caroline. You found out Tracy was cheating through Caroline. You found out Tracy was trying to get you killed from Caroline. All those untrue rumors about me were from Caroline. Now there’s this video that Caroline just so happened to record and watch.. How’d she get access to your Skype? Maybe she hacked your computer. I just think it’s suspicious and all roads lead to Caroline. It hurts that your mom hates me, but, maybe that’s because of Caroline too. Thoughts? It doesn’t matter, anyway. I have a family and a baby mama (Erica) and frie
nds who love me. I don’t need their love or acceptance, too.
I received a message back a few minutes later.
Tisk, tisk, tisk, Angela. This is Caroline. I have access to Ethan’s email account, too. How dare you try to turn him against me. I do not have time for all these stupid games. I have a premature baby that I am trying to take care of. Trust and believe, I am a much better friend than an enemy and you have just made an enemy out of me. I will see to it that you and Ethan are broken up for good. Made to choose, he will always choose me. I have been connected to his family for years and now we have a baby together. You are nothing and will never be anything, so stop trying to act like you are important.
I immediately panicked as I read Caroline’s reply and tried to smooth things over when I wrote back:
I apologize for wrongly accusing you.
The second I sent it, I wondered why the fuck I was backing down. And why the hell was she reading his email? I knew a snake when I saw one and she, straight up, was a snake. Yes, it would be fucked up if I said all that and she really was not being shady, but what if she was? So, I let my fingers do the talking.
Actually, you know what? I’m glad you saw that email. All those things do seem pretty suspicious. And why are you even looking at his emails? Suspicious.
I got a reply moments later. My heart pounded as I opened it. I knew it was destructive, but I had to read it.
You are being a petty bitch. I get notifications on my screen when he gets new emails ’cause he never signed out before leaving the last time he was here. Ain’t nothing suspicious about that. I just happened to see it but I’m not looking. You are lame and insignificant. Do you really think I’m wasting my time worried about you? You are nothing but a ho ass slut who is degrading and disrespecting herself by fucking a married man. And you call yourself a Christian? Bitch, you ain’t nothing. And when he’s done with you, he’ll leave you, too, just like he left everyone else.
Now, that pissed me off. I knew I should just let it drop, but I was tired of not sticking up for myself.
I’m petty. I’m petty? You sitting here trying to blackmail me for $2k and I’m being petty? You are the one being petty. I tried to be nice. I tried to be your friend but you sitting here calling me a bitch that need to shave and shit. If you not sleeping with Ethan and you don’t want him, why you even care?
And, of course, she had to come back at me:
Bitch, I don’t care. Like I said, you ain’t nothin. Stop trying to act like you important. And that money was something that me and Ethan worked out. No one blackmailing you, except for maybe Ethan.
I was furious and confused. Was it really Ethan who was trying to blackmail me? Was he trying to get more money out of me so he could give it to Caroline? I screen-shot all the messages and texted them to Ethan so he could see what was really going on. Caroline was using Ethan’s email but I feared she would delete these messages before Ethan could see them. I wanted him to see how horribly Caroline was treating me and I wanted to find out, once and for all, if he genuinely wanted to be with me or he was merely using me for money.
When I got home, he had already talked with Caroline. Before I could even say a word, he said, “Caroline told me you were throwing shade at her. That all this time you have been throwing little jabs at her and hurting her feelings.”
I shrieked, “What!?” I was already pissed, but that made me furious. I couldn’t believe he was taking her side. I tried extra hard to be nice to her in every situation. She had been throwing little jabs at me and I had been taking it. She and Tracy texted me horrible obscenities and I sat back and took it. And now she was accusing me of this shit when she was in the wrong for reading his messages…and he thinks it’s my fault? That was the last straw.
“How dare you?” I snarled, “She has been all kinds of nasty stuff to me. I sent you all the emails. Did you read them? And why the fuck does she have access to your email account in the first place? Why is she reading your emails? Did you even ask her anything about that?”
“Oh, I looked at the emails. I think you only sent me what you wanted and left out all the mean things you have been saying to her.”
“I have been nothing but honest with you this whole time. I sent you our whole conversation.”
“Then you had to have said something earlier to her.”
That pissed me off and I threw a cup at his head. He ducked but it pissed him off that I would even do something like that. Jaw clenched and eyes narrowed, he clenched his fist over and over as he stared at me. Then I looked at him like “Yeah I did that. Now what?” and he walked away.
At the ruckus, Abigail and Aaron came downstairs.
“Mom, you okay?” Abigail asked.
I drawled, “Sure baby, I’m fine.” I felt bad that they heard us fighting. I didn’t want them to think that relationships were always about yelling and violence. I gave them each a big hug. That’s when I noticed Aaron was breathing heavily. “Aaron, you okay?” I asked.
He nodded but he was really struggling to breathe, and then he started to wheeze. Aaron was diagnosed with asthma as a baby. I was so deep in my feelings about Ethan that I failed to notice that Aaron was having an asthma attack.
“Baby, I think you need a breathing treatment,” I observed.
Aaron nodded his head yes because he couldn’t talk.
“David,” I yelled upstairs, “get Aaron’s nebulizer. Quickly!”
David ran down the stairs with it. Taking a look at Aaron, he asked, “He gonna be okay?”
I hoped so. I strapped the mask to Aaron’s face and encouraged him to take slow, deep breaths. It took a while, but his breathing finally became easier and the wheezing stopped. I thanked God but I felt so bad. I knew Ethan felt bad, too. I could tell when heard all the commotion and came to see how Aaron and I were doing.
A few weeks went by and I forgot about the whole incident. I made no attempt to communicate with Caroline nor had I heard a word from her. I was sitting in the living room playing dinosaurs with Aaron and Abigail was on the couch playing with my phone. “Mom, you have some text messages,” she said and handed me the phone.
Unknown: This is Tracy. Me and Caroline both been sleeping with Ethan. We both came over your house yesterday while you were at work. First, he fucked her and then me. Don’t believe me, I can describe your house down to those prissy pillows on your bed. Your bathroom is connected to your bedroom and there is a jacuzzi in it. You got a double sink and there is a door where your toilet is. There’s a pink pole in your room and your bed has a silver headboard. We fucked him in that bed.
It made me sick that I was getting more of these disgusting text messages. I wondered how they knew the details of my bedroom. I didn’t believe it was because they fucked Ethan in my bed. Tracy lived three hours away and Caroline was in Kentucky…and why would both of them, knowing about each other and about me, want to sleep with Ethan?
“Ethan.” I hollered, “I got another one.” I handed him the phone so he could see for himself. He walked out of the room and called Caroline. After a few minutes, he returned with his phone was on speaker.
“Am I on speaker?” I heard Caroline ask.
“Yes,” Ethan stated.
“Good. Hey, Angela?”
I didn’t want to talk with Caroline. I was tired of her and Naomi, so I snapped, “What?”
“Get my fucking name out of your mouth before I come up to Virginia and slap it out!” She yelled, “You not gonna talk about me or Naomi ever again. I will fuck you up. We don’t have nothing to do with your foolishness and I’m tired of your shit.”
The more she talked, the more I fumed. It took everything I had not to curse her back. I hadn’t done anything to her. I looked at Ethan hoping he would defend me, but he just sat their nodding his head as if he were agreeing with Caroline.
“Angela, goddammit, you hear me?” Caroline continued to curse.
I didn’t respond.
I didn’t respond.
“Didn’t think so.”
When she hung up, Ethan said “See? They have nothing to do with this.”
“What the hell, Ethan? I never said they did. Why the fuck would you allow her to talk to me like that. I did nothing to her, and your bitch ass sitting there nodding in agreement with her.”
“I wasn’t agreeing with her. I was just agreeing that she had nothing to do with it.”
“Fuck you, fuck her, and fuck your mama! I’m done with all of you. You sat there and allowed her to threaten me! You know what? You don’t deserve me. You are evil just like your damn mama and baby mama. Y’all deserve each other. You’re a bitch and they your master. They are horrible, evil, manipulative bitches and you sit there sucking their titties and following every order they give. You won’t stick up for me? I don’t need that in my life.”
“Hey, watch your mouth!”
“Oh, so you defend her, but you don’t defend me? Get the fuck out of here! You wanted me to be nice and cordial to them and I have done that, even when they spit in my face. It doesn’t matter; they still treat me like shit. And you sit there and let them. You should have defended me. You should have protected me. I have never been so disappointed in anyone as I am in you right now.”
“Angela, I was going to defend you, I just didn’t get the chance to ’cause she was so talkative I couldn’t get a word in. There’s no getting through to her when she is upset like that, so I just let her vent. I plan on talking to her about it later.”
“Really?” I sneered. “Then go on, talk to her; because I didn’t deserve that shit at all.”
Ethan took his phone and left the room. A few minutes later he returned with the phone back on speaker.
“Angela,” Caroline said.