Forever Burn

by Trinity Lemm

  A subtle grin began to appear on his face, green eyes darting over to me. “It’s negative.”

  “It’s negative?”

  He nodded, a full, beautiful, Axel Burne smile plastered across his face. “It’s negative,” he said again.

  I took a few small steps towards him before full on jumping into his arms, happiness taking the place of fear in my veins. We felt victorious, as if the entire world had just been handed to us on a silver platter.

  “Thank God!” I expressed as he set me down on my feet.

  “I know. You had no idea how terrified I was that that was going to be positive and that you would leave me for it.”

  “Well I’m not going anywhere,” I said, touching his cheek, trying to assure not only him, but myself as well.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved in my life.”

  “Me neither.”

  A lot had been going through my mind lately and although I was relieved that the results turned out to be in our favor, I was still scared. I was the type of person that overthought every aspect of everything in her life, mostly relationships. I was hypervigilant about the world, hypervigilant about trusting people. My symptoms had been manageable and had even slowed down for the past few months since Axe and I had been together, but I could feel them starting to creep back. I felt helpless, as if no matter what I did, the ghost of Connor and the memory of what he put me through would follow me everywhere.

  Axel had been good to me, so good to me that it constantly made me question why. I didn’t want to believe that it was difficult for people to love me, but my past had put me in a position where I felt like no one could. Axe was truly amazing, and I wanted more than anything to continue to be with him and to grow with him. He might even be the one for me, but I’ve thought that about someone else before, and look how that ended.

  I swore to myself right then and there that if Axe ever did anything that merely resembled Connor, I would leave.

  “I need a favor!” Claire voiced with her finger raised, barging through the door.

  “What kind of favor?” I asked, swinging around in my desk chair.

  “Well,” she started, mischievously grinning.

  “If you’re gonna ask me to loan you money or help you hide a body, then no.”

  She rolled her eyes. “No, nothing like that! Owen asked me if I wanted to get dinner with him and I said sure.”

  “Oh, that’s great!”

  “Yeah, but I’m just really nervous about it. I’ve never hung out with him before and have only ever talked to him in person at your party, so I was wondering if you and Axel wanted to tag along and do a double date?” she fluttered her eyelashes, doing the best puppy dog eyes she could manage.

  “A double date?”

  “Yeah,” she nodded with a hopeful smile. “Pretty please? I’ll owe you big time.”

  I didn’t know why she was trying so hard to convince me. It wasn’t a crazy favor that she was asking. I liked Owen, so I didn’t mind. On the other hand, if it was Jason that she was asking me to go on a double date with, I would absolutely, positively, without a doubt say no, no matter how much she begged.

  “Yeah, sure,” I shrugged, retreating back to my laptop.

  “Okay, cool, so be ready in an hour.”

  I widened my eyes as I swung back around to face her. “You meant tonight?”

  “Yeah,” she said in a small voice, twisting her hair.

  It was a Thursday night, and although most people would be going out tonight, I had been planning on staying home to finish my economics essay. I was in an oversized t-shirt and running shorts with no makeup on and my hair in a messy bun, but not the cute kind. There was no way I would be finished with my essay and entirely ready in an hour.

  I slowly shook my head. “Claire, I was going to finish my essay tonight and there’s no way I could throw makeup on and make my hair look half decent in an hour.”

  “Please?” she begged.

  “We can just do another night.”

  “But what if he never asks again?” she threw her head back.

  “He will. Why wouldn’t he?”

  She intertwined her hands together and brought them up to her chest. “Please?” her bottom lip quivered.

  My face remained motionless. “Stop faking it.”

  She relaxed and rolled her eyes again. “Oh, c’mon, Tate! Your essay isn’t even due until Monday!”

  “Which is why I want to finish it tonight, so that I can party all weekend.”

  She crossed her arms, tilting her head. “Please?” she asked again. This time I could hear the desperation in her tone.

  I rubbed my neck, sighing. “Fine. I’ll call Axe,” I grumbled.

  Her face lit up. “Ahh! Thank you! Thank you! I love you!” she yelled.

  “You better,” I said, picking up my phone.

  An hour later, I sat next to Claire in the booth, so that we could sit across from the boys. We had ordered our food quickly and even though we had been here for twenty minutes already, I could still feel Claire’s nerves radiating off her body.

  “So, what are you guys doing this weekend?” I asked, trying to jumpstart a conversation for Claire to join in on.

  “I think ATA is throwing, actually,” Owen answered. “Are you planning on going?” he turned to Axel.

  Axe peeked over at me, waiting for me to respond. I shrugged.

  “We’ll probably end up going there, yeah,” Axe said.

  “Okay, cool. Claire, would you want to go with me?”

  She beamed. “Yeah, I’d love to.”

  I glimpsed at Axe and he winked at me, the both of us in agreement that things seemed to be going fairly smooth. I loved when we sent mind messages to each other. We always knew what the other was thinking.

  Our waiter hadn’t come back since we’d ordered, and Axe was becoming agitated by his empty drink.

  “Our waiter sucks,” he muttered.

  I raised an eyebrow. “I’m just glad it’s a guy this time, so at least we know this one won’t leave a number for you,” I joked while biting my lip, only half-kidding.

  “Wouldn’t be surprised if he did anyways,” Claire added in.

  Axe chuckled, amused. “Hey, c’mon. We’ll be able to tell our future kids that story and I’m sure they’ll laugh about it.”

  “Future kids?”

  “Mhmm,” he nodded, moving his straw around in the empty glass.

  Owen aimlessly looked around, obviously having no idea what we were referring to, which was fine. I didn’t need any extra people knowing that my boyfriend almost knocked up our ex-waitress.

  Claire’s eyebrows shot up. “Damn, Axel. You’re really thinkin’ long-term.”

  “Of course, I am. I love her. I’m gonna marry her one day,” he said, gesturing to me.

  Claire smiled, but I recoiled. I could hardly handle my thoughts as it was, and Axel talking way into the future wasn’t exactly helping. Connor and I used to have dozens of conversations about our wedding and future kids and where we wanted to live when we got older. And obviously, none of those things happened. Don’t get me wrong, what Axel said was sweet. Everything he ever said and did was sweet, but I didn’t like talking about the far future. It only made me hopeful for things that couldn’t be guaranteed.

  “Anyways,” I said, trying to shake off the subject, “Owen, what’s your major again?”

  “Well right now, I’m undecided. And I know I have to declare a major by the end of the semester, so I’m leaning towards criminal justice. I’ve thought about leaving Western and enlisting, but I’m not sure yet.”

  “Enlisting? Like, into the military?” Claire asked. Owen nodded.

  I winced, wishing that I had never asked in the first place. Connor’s face flashed through my mind, standing in uniform next to Nicole dressed in white on their wedding day. The thought made my hands shake.

  Axel took notice, reaching for them from across the table. When I looked up, his green
eyes were already on my brown ones, searching for a sign that I was okay. I gave a tiny smile, ensuring him that I was fine. Owen and Claire hadn’t noticed, continuing the conversation as if Axel and I hadn’t exited out of it.

  As we ate, I couldn’t wait to go back to my room and climb into bed. Triggers to my C-PTSD may have become slightly easier to handle, but they were still exhausting, and more so than not, they put me in a bad mood for the rest of my day or night. This time was no exception.

  Axel and Owen split the check, covering both mine and Claire’s meals. They were true gentlemen and it showed. Claire was super giddy when we got back, inviting herself into my room to discuss how the night went.

  Penelope laid on the futon, watching a movie. I hadn’t seen much of her the past few days. She had been spending most of her time with Lucas, hanging out with him all day and only coming back to the room to sleep. But as long as Lucas stayed away from me, I didn’t mind.

  “Where were you guys?” Penelope asked from the futon.

  “We just went out to dinner,” I explained, throwing my keys on my desk.

  “Oh, nice,” she sat up and stretched, then walked over to her closet. “I’m gonna jump in the shower.”

  “Okay. Have fun,” I joked.

  She grabbed all her shower necessities and went, leaving Claire and I alone to speak freely about the night. It’s not that we wanted to hide anything from Penelope, but we were afraid that if she knew Claire was talking to Owen, she might let it slip out in front of Lucas. And we all knew he would go straight to Jason with the information. Jason was still calling Claire every day, trying to get her attention, but she wasn’t buying into it. I was proud of her for it.

  “So, what do you think of Owen?” Claire smiled broadly.

  “He seems like a nice guy,” I nodded.

  “Yeah, he really does,” she glanced off, daydreaming about him. “I’m so excited that he asked me to go to ATA with him this weekend.”

  “Good! You should be excited! It’ll be fun.”

  She picked the nail polish off her fingernails, still smiling. “You’ll have to help me figure out what to wear.”

  I snickered. “Okay, I will.”

  “And also,” she said, promptly throwing her head back up, “going out with you guys tonight just really had me thinking about Axel.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like, I originally thought he was such a dick. And honestly, when you two first got together, I had major doubts. Like who wouldn’t though, you know? He was such a douchebag before and now, he’s so different.”

  “Yeah,” I furrowed my brows, thinking carefully about what she was saying.

  “He’s done a complete turn-around after meeting you. Which is so crazy because people don’t change, yet here he is, changing all his bad habits because of you,” she shook her head, grinning while she spoke. “And don’t get me wrong, it’s, like, amazing that he has. I just feel like it’s so rare that people genuinely change themselves for someone else’s sake. Most people are too self-absorbed to do that,” she finished, picking at her nail polish again.

  My eyes wandered, but so did my thoughts. Claire was right. Axel had changed his entire lifestyle for me, but could anyone truly change that much? Like she had said, people don’t change. It takes some people months or sometimes even years to break bad habits, so how did Axe manage to break them so thoroughly, so quickly? Was it possible that I was missing something? That I didn’t know something? Because people don’t just magically change. And just because someone wants to change, doesn’t mean they will. They need to have motivation and support behind them in order to break their bad habits. Axel had repeatedly said that I was the reason he changed, that I was the motivation. But how could I motivate someone to change their entire way of life, just from my presence? Axe treated me like a princess, better than he’s ever treated any other girl before, but was it possible that his habits haven’t fully been broken?

  Chapter Eighteen

  The Calm Before The Storm

  Claire ripped through her entire closet, leaving a tornado scattered across the room. Maybe’s on one side and no’s on the other. Gianna was already entirely ready and all I had left to do was my hair.

  “Claire, just pick something,” Gianna said, her impatience stirring.

  Claire shot her a look. “I’m trying to look like a model, okay?”

  “You’ll look good in whatever you wear. Don’t overthink it,” I said.

  Her eyes softened towards me while she gave a small smile. “You really think so?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Awe, thanks Tate! Now help me pick something out from my maybe’s pile.”

  I sighed and strode over to the pile, grabbing the first thing I saw. It was a plum crop top that had a cinched drawstring running down the center.

  “Wear this with your ripped jeans,” I suggested.

  Claire studied the shirt as I held it up. She slowly started to nod. “I like it!”

  Thank God. I thought we were going to be here all damn night. Gianna let out a deep breath in relief. She had clearly been thinking the same thing.

  “Well hurry your ass up and put it on. The guys are gonna be here in like thirty minutes to pre-game,” Gianna declared.

  Claire got dressed while I did my hair, throwing it up into a tight, high pony before fixing my necklace. My hot pink bodysuit tucked perfectly into my jeans, hugging my skin tightly. I carefully applied lip gloss and smacked my lips together.

  A half hour later, there was a knock on the door. Claire’s eyes grew wide as she glanced around at the destroyed room, clothes scattered everywhere.

  “Shit!” she uttered under her breath.

  “Just throw them all back in your closet,” Gianna whispered to Claire. “Uh, give us one second!” she yelled.

  The three of us grabbed all her clothes and launched them into the closet as quickly as possible. By the time we finished, I was a little out of breath. We let the guys in, and Owen began to pull loads of alcohol out of the backpack that he brought.

  “Anyone want shots?” he asked, holding up a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey.

  “I’ll have some,” I said.

  “Same,” Ash and Axe both said in unison.

  “I’ll have some if I have a chaser with it,” Claire stated.

  “Same. Whiskey tastes like shit,” Gi said.

  We all gathered around as Owen poured the shots into double shot glasses, carrying twice the amount of whiskey that a regular shot glass filled. Six shot glasses raised in the air, clinking together. I threw my head back as it went down, the taste of stale whiskey running down my throat.

  It was nice that Claire had finally found someone who was okay being around Axe and Ash. I felt like I had gotten closer to Gi this year since we had spent so much time together, which was nice, but it also made me feel like Claire and I had somewhat grown apart. Gi and Claire were cousins, so they didn’t have to worry about growing apart. They would be stuck together for the rest of their lives, but I was the one that needed to worry. I didn’t want to lose either of them, ever.

  Within fifteen minutes, Claire and I had each already downed half of our fruity seltzer, and the boys were preparing to take another shot. I joined in, setting my shot glass down on the desk for Owen to fill.

  “I’ll have one too!” Claire excitedly said.

  Gi pulled her mouth to the side. “Are you sure, Claire? They’re doubles. So, you’ve technically already had two and some of your other drink. Maybe you should just wait a little bit?”

  “I can handle it,” Claire said, setting her glass in front of Owen.

  Gi and I traded glances. “Claire,” Gi said again, firmer this time, “not every girl is like Tatum. Especially you. You’re a lightweight.”

  “I’m fine,” Claire hissed.

  Gi sighed. “Whatever. Do what you want, I guess.”

  I slowed myself down after the second double shot and forced myself to eat a sn
ack before we headed to ATA. I knew that Axel would take care of me no matter how drunk I was, but I still didn’t want to be too shit faced.

  Claire, on the other hand, didn’t bother pacing herself. It seemed as if she was trying to impress Owen with how much she was drinking, but knowing her, it wasn’t going to end well. There were dozens of nights where Claire was black out drunk, waking up the next morning not remembering a single thing and having the worst hangover, and it seemed like tonight would be one of those nights.

  My genes allowed me to drink a lot for my body size, but I never wanted to take advantage of it. Alcohol was a dangerous game, especially if you had Everley DNA, and I wasn’t trying to play.

  Soon enough, we were at ATA, surrounded by strobe lights, loud music, and sweaty bodies. I hadn’t really bothered going to any of the other frats since Axel and I got together, so a majority of his frat brothers knew who I was by now. It was nice to be able to socialize with them, but ever since Joey tried to make a move, Axel had been on high alert, even at his own frat parties. But other than Joey, none of them had tried anything. They all knew I was Axel’s and more importantly, they all knew what would happen if Axel caught them eyeing me inappropriately.

  Claire stumbled around and surprisingly enough, Owen didn’t seem fazed by it. Most guys would get annoyed if the girl they brought to their frat party was all over the place. Gi and I shoved water down her throat, trying to help her sober up. And although Owen wasn’t too bothered by Claire’s extreme drunkenness, I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression and think she was like this all the time.

  I grabbed Owen’s arm to get his attention. I leaned in just enough so that he could hear me, making sure to keep enough distance so that I wasn’t too close. “Do you think you could find like a granola bar or something small for Claire? Just to get something in her stomach?”

  He thought for a second and then nodded. “Yeah, I can go upstairs and find something. I’m sure all the guys have snacks and shit in their rooms.”

  “Okay, thank you!”

  I left Gi and Claire for a second to go find Axe. Him and Ash had been conversing with some of the other guys while Gianna and I dealt with Claire. We had only been apart for twenty minutes, but I missed him. My sober mind raced through fear of abandonment and doubts about Axe, but my drunk mind always buzzed with all the reasons why I loved him. And right now, I was drunk.