Forever Burn

by Trinity Lemm

  “Yeah.”

  I didn’t hear any noise in the background, so I assumed he wasn’t at ATA. I didn’t know where he was or who he was with, but I hoped that he was safe and okay. “Just go to bed, okay?”

  I could hear him start to weep on the other side of the phone. “I can’t… my bed is too empty without you.”

  I hated to hear him cry. I wished I could embrace him through the phone. My eyes closed, fighting back tears. “I have to go. Please be safe,” I said, hanging up the phone. Part of me expected another phone call from him, but I didn’t get one. I dropped to the ground, hugging my knees into my chest as I sobbed. It seemed like the tears were never going to stop.

  I studied myself in the mirror, taking in just how terrible I looked, which reflected how terrible I felt. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing. I needed to be strong. I needed to remind myself that the past year and a half that I was on my own wasn’t useless. It taught me how to be independent and how to get past pain. I stood back up and wiped my tears away. I was a warrior. I couldn’t let this destroy me.

  For the next hour, I kept myself occupied doing homework and cleaning my room until it was spotless. I think it was the longest I’d gone without crying. When Gianna and Claire walked in, I forced a tiny smile.

  “How was your night?” I asked, putting the broom and dustpan away.

  “It was good,” Gi said, nodding, noticing that I was up and about. “Well you seem to be feeling better.”

  I shrugged. “A little.”

  “We just wanted to check in on you before we went to bed,” Claire expressed.

  “Thanks, guys.” I knew that my next question probably shouldn’t be asked, but I wanted to know anyways. “Did you guys go to ATO?”

  They both awkwardly nodded. “Yeah,” Gi answered.

  “Was Axel there?”

  Gi tilted her head. “Well he was, but then when we showed up and he realized that you weren’t with us and that you weren’t coming at all, he left right away.”

  “Oh,” I said, almost surprised. “Did he leave alone?” Both of them nodded.

  That was probably when he had called me, after he left ATA. I contemplated telling them that he called, but I didn’t want to drag on the topic for any longer. I was content knowing that he hadn’t gone home with anyone, but I was sort of angry at myself for caring enough to even ask. We all knew that I wasn’t over him. We all knew that I still cared, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t be with Axel, so the best thing I could do for myself was to stop asking questions.

  Directly after the girls left, Penelope strolled in, looking as happy as ever. I didn’t know if it was the right time to be telling her what happened earlier with Lucas, but I went for it anyways.

  “Hey, um, can I talk to you about something?” I asked.

  “Of course. What’s up?”

  I took a deep breath, my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants. “Okay, um…” I started, wondering exactly what to say, “well, earlier, when you weren’t in the room, Lucas weirdly touched my lower back and I backed away from him. And then he asked me to go to his frats date party with him in a few weeks.”

  Her face fell, stuck in thought. “No,” she denied, “he wouldn’t do that.”

  “But he did. I’m really sorry.”

  A flare of anger ignited in her eyes. “I don’t believe you.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Well, you should.”

  “Well, I don’t.”

  “Look, I was just trying to be a good friend and tell you what happened.”

  She shook her head, crossing her arms. She laughed once. “Listen. I know you’re still really upset about your breakup, which I understand, but that doesn’t mean you have to sabotage my relationship,” she said, before stomping out of the room.

  My jaw dropped. Wow. Did she really think I was miserable enough to the point where my conscience was off? Did she honestly believe that I was jealous of her relationship to the point where I would sabotage her?

  I shook off the annoyance that I felt and got ready for bed. I stared at the ceiling again, lost in thought, but I physically didn’t have any more tears left to cry. My eyes were too dry, and my brain was too tired. I tried to think about happier things, more positive thoughts. I reminded myself that I’ve been through this before, so I could do it again. The world was still turning, and I was still alive, whether I felt like it or not.

  Tomorrow would be a new day, and I would do my best to make it the first day in nearly two weeks that I hadn’t cried.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The “Water” Bottle

  The next few days were still rough, but I tried my absolute best to keep myself together. I didn’t allow myself to cry, didn’t allow myself to sit and look at old pictures or videos. I didn’t listen to songs that Axe and I used to listen to or watch movies that we used to watch. I avoided anything and everything that reminded me of him.

  I put most of my energy into my homework and dancing, which shifted my focus in a positive way. After I finished my short essay at the library, I headed towards the dining center, where I was supposed to meet Claire for dinner. Axel and I never went to the dining center at this time of the day on Wednesday’s when we were together, so I figured it was a safe time to go. I texted Claire when I got there, looking around for her.

  Almost there! Find us a good table

  I sighed. I hated being the first one there. I spotted an empty table on the opposite side that Axel and I used to sit at. I took a seat, setting my stuff down. But when I looked up, my heart dropped.

  Axel was sitting a few tables down, a group of girls standing around him. He didn’t look entertained by their presence, though. It seemed as if he was trying to shoo them all away. I didn’t recognize any of the girls, but I wondered if he had been sleeping with any of them. Or worse, if he had been sleeping with all of them. He shifted around in his seat, agitated as they touched his hair and tried conversing with him.

  Part of me wanted to get up and punch all the girls in the face for touching him, but he wasn’t mine anymore to protect.

  When his eyes wandered around, they stopped on me. His face softened at the sight of me, suddenly not paying attention to the four girls who were all over him.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat, wondering which one of us was going to be the first to leave. I needed to look away from him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

  As if he read my thoughts like he normally could, he stood up and strolled over to my table, placing one hand onto it and leaning in.

  “I don’t want any of them. I only want you. So, no, I’m not sleeping with any of them,” he said, before turning around and walking out of the dining center. The group of girls stood disappointed as they twisted their hair and left.

  I was stunned. I kept replaying his words over and over in my head. It was odd how he knew what I had been thinking. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

  Less than five minutes later, Claire sat down next to me, the bright smile on her face fell as I stared down at the table.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  I snapped out of my trance and faked a smile, not wanting to explain.

  “Nothing,” I said, forcibly grinning.

  Before I knew it, it was already Friday night. I had been hanging on by a thread. I still felt a little unsettled from seeing Axel a few days prior, especially after what he had said, but I wanted to push through it. I hadn’t gone out in two weeks, so I figured I should just full send it and go. After all, Axel and I still went to the same school, so it was inevitable that I was going to see him places. I didn’t want to avoid ATO forever or any of the other places we used to go to. The earlier I faced my fears, the better the outcome would be, right?

  Penelope was already gone. She hadn’t talked to me much since I “tried to sabotage her.” I flipped through all the clothes in my closet, inspecting every piece of fabric on each hanger. I felt a heaviness i
n my chest when I got to one of Axel’s sweatshirts. It was his black Nike one, one of his favorite sweatshirts. I knew I should give it back to him, but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet, and surprisingly, he hadn’t even asked. Usually, most guys would throw a tantrum if they didn’t get their things back after a breakup, but for some reason, it was the last thing Axel cared about.

  I held the fabric between my fingers. I wanted to put it on. I wanted to have a piece of him wrapped around my body. I placed my nose on the upper part of the sweatshirt, smelling the remainder of his cologne that rested upon it. The smell caused me to walk over to my desk. I lifted my necklace up, examining it. I hadn’t worn it since we broke up. Just feeling those two things alone was enough to cause my heart to twinge in misery. Having physical reminders of Axel only made it more evident that what we had was real.

  I kept my tears back, even though all they wanted to do was fall. I didn’t want to ruin my makeup. I had been trying for weeks to stay strong, to be the person I needed myself to be. I tried so hard to forget about the pain, but at some point each day, it found its way back to me.

  The last day that I saw Connor was absolute hell. The last phone call I received from him before he got on that plane to leave for the Marines was absolute hell. The day I found out he proposed to Nicole was absolute hell. The day they got married and I had to sit back and endure the reality was absolute hell. But for some reason, somehow, the pain I felt now was even worse. When everything happened with Connor, my heart was broken. But right now, my heart was absolutely, utterly, without a doubt destroyed. Demolished. Nonexistent.

  I stared at my closet, knowing that I had an entire handle of vodka hidden in there. I wondered if I should just give in and do what my body was specifically made to do. The temptation was strong. I wanted to forget. For just a night. I rummaged through my belongings until I found the fifth. I slipped on a red velvet crop top and black jeans, then poured myself a shot. Then another. And another. And another.

  I looked at myself in the mirror, realizing what I had done, but not caring. Four shots would not make me as drunk as I needed to be and the buzz that it would give me certainly would not last all night. I grabbed a plastic water bottle and emptied it into the community kitchen, then refilled it with vodka.

  Red lipstick was the last thing I added.

  “I’m ready,” I said, walking into Gianna and Claire’s room.

  Claire’s face lit up. “I’m so happy you’re coming out with us tonight!”

  “Me too,” I said with a deep breath as I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

  “Same,” Gi said. “We’re gonna have fun tonight, okay?”

  I gave her a small nod. She reached for my hand and gently squeezed it for a moment.

  “Everyone’s ready?” Gi asked. Claire and I both nodded. “Okay, perfect. Let’s go,” Gi smiled.

  It wasn’t until we were walking up ATA’s driveway that I started to feel a buzz. Unsure if Axel was going to be there or not, adrenaline flickered around inside my body, a deadly mix with the alcohol that I had already drank.

  When we got inside, my eyes were peeled. I scanned the room as we moved through the sea of people. The party room was very much alive, an entire room filled with people who had no idea what had been happening behind closed doors.

  Gianna and Claire stopped in the back of the room, making a small circle for the three of us to dance in. It was nice that they didn’t go straight to Ash and Owen, allowing me to give time to adjust to the party scene without Axe by my side. Because I was so used to having him there.

  We danced around like idiots, trying not to bump into the people around us. It was refreshing to be out, not cooped up in my room like I had been every night for two weeks. But the second I glanced towards the corner of the room, I stopped. The euphoria that I had been feeling drained away. Axe leaned against the wall wearing his black Harley Davidson t-shirt with the sleeves slightly rolled up. There was a blonde girl next to him, trying to talk to him, but his eyes were on me, standing in the exact spot that he used to watch me in. The exact spot he stood on the night we met. It felt like déjà vu. I could feel the warmth of my slightly drunken body, but it wasn’t enough for me. I needed more. I wanted to feel numb. I spun off the cap of my water bottle that I had filled with vodka, taking a few chugs. I needed it to start to take its effect quickly. I couldn’t stand here with Axe that close to me for much longer without it.

  “You brought water?” Gianna asked over the music.

  I didn’t want them to know what it really was. I didn’t want them to worry about me, let alone try to stop me. It was dangerous for me to be drinking this much. There was always that possibility that I would end up like the rest of my family had around my age. My parents. My grandparents. Some of my aunts and uncles. Some of my cousins. And even my sister, goddamnit, but I needed it. And if Gianna and Claire knew that it was actually vodka, they’d take it away from me in a heartbeat.

  I gave a quick nod, lying straight to her face.

  “Can I have some?”

  I shook my head vigorously, knowing that if she took one single sip, she would know damn well that it wasn’t water. Gi sighed, but then brushed it off, leaving me relieved that she did.

  I couldn’t help but glimpse over at Axel every few minutes, curious as to if he was still looking at me or not. But each time, he was, which only made me more impatient as to when the extra chugs of vodka would kick in. I could feel it slowly taking effect, but it hadn’t fully hit me yet.

  “Hey!” Ash yelled as he approached the three of us. He placed a kiss on Gi’s cheek, causing some jealousy to rise within me. Jealousy that was only there because Gianna had what I didn’t anymore.

  He nodded once to Claire and then to me. I hadn’t seen Ash in weeks, since the morning he told me about the bet. It felt a little awkward since so much had changed since then, but I smiled anyways.

  “Hey, Ash,” I said.

  He looked at me with genuine care in his eyes, almost brotherly. “How are you, Tate?”

  I shrugged. “As good as I can be.”

  It seemed like there was something he wanted to say, but Gi shot him a look, as if she knew what it was and warned him to keep his mouth shut. His eyes drifted to his brother in the corner, and then his face fell as he turned back to me.

  “Tate, please. He’s miserable.”

  “Ash,” Gianna warned. “Don’t start.”

  Ash ignored Gi’s warning. “I’ve never seen him like this. He hasn’t been himself since you’ve left. Even I’m begging you. Please, just give him one more chance.”

  “That’s enough, Ash!” Gianna yelled.

  I could feel the alcohol taking over my body as I began to sway a little bit. But Ash’s words weren’t helping. I needed more. I took another gulp of my vodka, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

  Gianna and Ash started arguing, but I didn’t care enough to listen. Claire was trying to reason with them, to settle them down, but all I saw it as was my opportunity to wander off. I stumbled away from the three of them, pushing through people with no real destination. The bright strobe lights caused a peculiar pair of eyes to shine. Blue eyes.

  Nick.

  As far as I knew, he wasn’t in this frat, so I wasn’t sure how he got into the party, but he looked good. I hadn’t seen him since before Axe and I had officially started dating. Our eyes locked and he smirked as he made his way over to me.

  “I’d recognize those red lips anywhere,” he said, smiling.

  I blinked an abnormal amount of times, my coordination lacking. “Hey,” I said, my eyes traveling up and down his body.

  “Where’s the boyfriend?”

  I clenched my eyes shut for a second, then opened them. “We broke up.”

  “Oh,” he nodded a few times. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “Well would you like to dance?”

  “Sure.”

  He grabbed my hips and
pulled me into him, my backside connecting to his front. I drunkenly swayed side to side, letting his hands glide up and down my body wherever he pleased. I was noticeably drunk, losing my balance every so often. It felt almost wrong to be dancing with Nick, but I needed the distraction.

  His hands explored each inch of me. I could feel the bulge in his pants rising as he held me to him, a feeling that I hadn’t gotten in weeks. We were close, but I wanted him closer. After a few songs, his mouth grazed my ear.

  “Do you wanna go back to my place with me?”

  Axel’s face flashed into my head for a second, but I pushed it away. I needed Nick’s attention and affection. I craved the feeling of being touched and loved.

  “Sure.”

  A mischievous grin appeared on his face as he licked his top lip. He wrapped his arm around me, leading me out of the party. I didn’t bother telling Claire and Gianna I was leaving, mostly because I forgot to. The only thing on my mind was the desire to feel someone else’s body on mine.

  We stumbled around in the night as Nick attempted to pull me along with him. Fratville seemed almost empty, with no one walking along it. Everyone was at a house, partying.

  Nick didn’t try to make conversation, only focused on getting me back to his place. Wherever that was. His frustration was arising as it became more difficult for my body to cooperate.

  “Tatum, just walk,” he said.

  I giggled as I staggered around, amused by my own clumsiness. “Walking,” I said, my drunken high tone echoing in the night. I froze in my tracks and gasped. “Oh, no! My water bottle.”

  “Let’s keep walking,” Nick said.

  “But my bottle,” I complained, allowing Nick to drag me along.

  “Hey!” a voice shouted from behind us. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. Nick and I both turned, his arm still holding me up. “Where the hell do you think you’re taking her?” Axel said, demanding a sudden answer.

  Nick was taken aback. “Why the hell does it matter to you? And who the fuck are you?”