Forever Burn

by Trinity Lemm

  He dropped to his knees in front of me. “Tate… Tatum Dianne Everley, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You are my life. So, if you leave right now, then my life is over. Please don’t get into that car,” he begged, in one last desperate attempt to convince me to stay.

  I told myself that if Axe did anything that remotely resembled Connor, I would leave. I could feel my heart physically breaking inside of my chest. I wanted to stay. God, I wanted to stay so bad, but for what? So that Axel could sleep with someone else after every fight we had?

  “Watch me,” I said, opening my car door and climbing inside. I started the car and drove off right away, leaving Axel by himself in the parking lot.

  But unlike the last time, I didn’t look back in the rearview mirror.

  Chapter Twenty

  The Missing Half

  The second I walked into my room, I immediately dropped to my knees and let out a wail. Penelope ran over and got on the ground next to me, wrapping her arms around me. She squeezed me tight as I cried uncontrollably into her arms, pain coursing through my entire body.

  “What happened?”

  I tried to answer her question, but I couldn’t get it out. The tears were unstoppable, and it felt like there were rocks in my lungs. I could hardly breathe. My cries echoed throughout the room.

  Gianna barged through the door, a look of absolute worry spread across her face. She kneeled down to where Penelope and I were on the floor. Gi rapidly wiped my tears away. “I’m so sorry,” she said, trying to comfort me.

  “H—how did, did you know?” I managed to get out in between sobs.

  Gi adjusted her position on the floor. “Ash called me.” She rubbed my back. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated. I didn’t respond to her explanation, only continued to weep in Penelope’s arms. “Fuck Olivia, okay? She’s a bitch and Axel’s a bitch and you deserve better,” Gi said.

  “Oh,” Penelope quietly said, finally understanding what happened.

  I looked up at them with splotchy eyes. “What did I do?”

  Gi pulled her brows in. “What do you mean?”

  “What did I do to deserve this?”

  “Tate… you didn’t do anything. You did not do a single thing wrong. Don’t even for a second think that you did.”

  The door slowly crept open, revealing a sympathetic Claire. She frowned as she stepped over to us, sitting.

  “Hey,” she softly spoke.

  I turned to her, a few more tears gliding down. “Guess we’re both single now,” I managed to get out.

  She gave a shy laugh, reaching for my hand. “Guess so.”

  I pushed my mouth into a line, focusing on maintaining my breathing as Gi’s phone buzzed with a text.

  “Tate,” Gi softly said, touching my arm, “there’s something you should see.”

  I looked up at her, my vision still blurry. She pulled up a video on her phone that Ash had sent to her.

  Axe was having a breakdown, destroying the entire apartment. Debris was scattered everywhere already as Axe took his guitar and smashed it down on the coffee table, completely unaware that Ash was recording.

  The video only lasted ten seconds, but by the amount of debris throughout the room, it was clear that Axe’s episode had been lasting ever since I left.

  I turned my head away from the video, unable to look for a second longer.

  It felt like my entire universe had just been flipped upside down. I knew the second I fell for Axel that he would tear me apart in the end. But I guess I had hoped that I would be wrong.

  “Tate, talk to us. Let it all out,” Claire said.

  I clenched my eyes shut, my heart aching as another tear fell. “I thought he was the one.”

  “I know,” Gi sympathized.

  I looked up at her. “My heart hurts,” I whimpered. She pulled me in for another hug. “I just want to lay down,” I said.

  “Okay. You wanna be alone for a little while?” Gi asked.

  I nodded, staring at the ground. The girls all glanced at each other, then stood, helping me up.

  “I’ll give you a bit to yourself in here,” Penelope said, following Gi and Claire out of the room.

  I collapsed into bed, my mind fuzzy. My body felt exhausted, as if I had been hit by a truck. But I would’ve much rather preferred to have been hit by a truck than to face the reality that I was in.

  I was crumbling. And I hated to admit it, but it was the truth. After Connor left, I had become more independent. I had counted on myself for a year and a half, trying to take care of myself and figure myself out. And after spending so much time with Axel, after defying the odds of Brooke’s pregnancy, after everything we had already been through, he became part of me. It hadn’t been just me on my own anymore, it was us. Together. Us against the world. But now it was just me again and I felt less whole than ever before.

  Connor may have chosen Nicole and left me on my own, but right now, in this moment, I had never felt more alone.

  I was missing my other half.

  As the next few days passed, I didn’t feel like myself. I missed all my classes, having no motivation to get out of bed. The girls had to force feed me because I had a loss of appetite. All I did was stare at the ceiling or the wall, wondering that if I truly made the right choice by leaving Axe after what he did, then why did I feel so terrible right now?

  I missed my loser best friend. I missed looking into his gorgeous green eyes, seeing his cute dimples when he smiled. I missed making chocolate chip pancakes with him. I missed making fun of each other and sitting around doing nothing, but still having more fun than ever. There wasn’t a second that passed that Axel wasn’t on my mind.

  Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face, his green eyes, his smile. Every time the room was silent, I heard him singing, playing guitar. Every time I laid in bed, it felt empty.

  I had never been happier than in the moments I’d spent with Axe, but I promised myself that if he did anything that reminded me of Connor, that I would leave, and I meant it. Yes, I missed him, but I refused to re-enter another relationship that was full of unhealthy habits and cycles.

  It had been three days since we ended things, and all the girls were at class while I stayed in my room again.

  I felt like hell and I looked like it too.

  There was a knock on my door. I hadn’t been expecting anyone, but I climbed out of bed, already embarrassed for how terrible I looked. Deep inside, I wanted it to be Axe, but I didn’t know who was on the other side of that door.

  “Hey,” Lucas said, his eyes slightly brightening when I opened the door.

  “Hi,” I said through my exhaustion. “Penelope’s not here right now.”

  “Oh,” he responded, nodding once. “I expected her to be.” He gave a shy smile.

  “Yeah, sorry. She should be done with class pretty soon.”

  My eyes were dry and puffy still. They had been for days and Lucas was noticing.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. I shrugged, not wanting to explain. “Is it Axel?” I nodded as I looked away. His face softened. “I’m really sorry, Tate. You deserve better.”

  “Thanks.”

  He wrapped his arms around me, giving me a hug. We all knew I didn’t like Lucas much, but I did need a hug from someone, and it was nice that he was being supportive.

  Lucas pulled away. “I’ll just leave you be, then.”

  “I mean, Penelope should be back shortly, so you’re welcome to just hang out for a bit while you wait,” I shrugged, knowing that Penelope’s class was ending within ten minutes. I wouldn’t have offered if I knew that it would’ve been any longer than that.

  He smiled and nodded, appreciative of my offer. I got back in bed, wrapping myself up in my blankets as Lucas talked to me from Penelope’s desk. He didn’t ask anything else about what happened with Axel, which I was grateful for. I needed to get my mind off of it for a while. I could tell he was trying to make me laugh, which I appreciated, but I still wasn’t in a
laughing mood.

  I furrowed my brows when there was another knock on the door. I figured it was Penelope returning from class, but she had a key, so why would she be knocking? She had forgotten her key in the room numerous times before though, so I wouldn’t have been surprised if it happened again.

  Lucas stood, about to head over to the door.

  “I’ll get it,” I said, getting out of bed. He sat back down, allowing me to open it.

  Axe stood before me, his eyes just as swollen as mine. He was wearing a black long sleeve and joggers. The same joggers that I usually never saw him wear outside of the apartment. He looked like absolute hell.

  My heart stopped at the sight of him. I hadn’t seen him since I left the apartment days prior. He had been blowing up my phone nonstop, and I had turned it off again to avoid the temptation of answering.

  “Tate,” he croaked with his raspy voice, a clear sign that he hadn’t been getting much sleep either.

  My eyes met the floor, feeling more tears forming. “What do you want, Axel?”

  “I want you... No,” he corrected himself, “I need you.”

  I bit the inside of my lip as I glanced up to meet his tearful gaze. “Some things just can’t be fixed, Axe.”

  He shook his head as a tear escaped from his eye, but he quickly wiped it away. His gaze strolled past me to where Lucas was sitting, and Axe’s facial expression turned from complete sadness to confusion and irritation.

  “What the hell is he doing here?”

  “He’s waiting here for Penelope to get back from class.”

  “Are you sure that’s all?”

  I stood stunned for a second, shocked as to why he would ever accuse me of doing anything with anyone else, especially Lucas.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m not like you, Axe. I don’t call other people to come over and hookup any time something goes wrong.”

  I could tell my words hurt him, because his face returned back to the same sadness he had when I first opened the door. I knew he hadn’t meant to hurt me, but he still did. Deep down, I wanted to jump into his arms. I had looked past everything that happened with Brooke, even with how panicked that situation made me feel. Because at the end of the day, he slept with Brooke before we were officially together. But now, he slept with Olivia when we were technically still together. And I didn’t think that was something I could get past.

  “You’re right,” he sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Axe, just—"

  “You’re my best friend,” he pleaded. “You’re my everything. I need you.”

  It felt like I was frozen, but the world was still turning. My heart was already shattering. But after hearing his words, the knife that was plunged into my heart was twisting.

  “I just can’t believe you did what you did, when I loved you so much…”

  Axe winced. “Past tense?”

  I placed my right hand on his cheek, looking directly into his emerald eyes, knowing that it was the last time I would do so. He brought a hand up and covered mine, still resting upon his tear-soaked cheek.

  “I love you,” I said, “but I can’t be with you.”

  Axe clenched his eyes shut as another tear fell down his cheek, my tears following his lead. He put one hand on my lower back, pulling me into him for one last hug.

  “I’m always gonna love you,” he said. His soft lips gently kissed my forehead, a small gesture that he used to do all the time.

  I covered my mouth with both of my shaking hands as Axel walked off, trying my best to mute my own sobs.

  After a few more days, I forced myself to go to class. I didn’t want to go, but I also didn’t want my grades to suffer. Each class felt too long, and I often found myself not being able to focus, sidetracked by both good and bad memories of Axel. I walked right back to my room after class instead of going to the dining center for lunch. This was usually around the time of day that Axe and I would go together. Not only did I not want to run into him, but I didn’t want the feeling of being alone while I sat at our old table, staring at his empty seat. Plus, I still didn’t have a big appetite anyways.

  I rounded the corner, my eyes instantly darting to a white pick-up truck parked in the lot. Normally, the sight would cause me to panic, to feel the need to run. But instead of thinking about Connor at the sight, I thought about Axel instead. I didn’t know why, but I did.

  When I got back to my dorm, I made sure to leave my phone on the other side of the room. Any time that it was in front of me, I found myself knee deep in old pictures and videos, only to end up making my already crying eyes cry even harder.

  Claire and Gianna slowly walked in. “Hey,” Gianna gently said. “How are you feeling today?”

  “Like shit.”

  Both of their faces fell, saddened that I was still having a rough time. “Come out with us tonight,” Claire proposed.

  I pulled my mouth over to the side, dissatisfied by the idea. “I don’t really want to.”

  “C’mon, it’ll be fun! You didn’t go out with us at all last week.”

  I twisted my hair around, studying it between my fingers while shaking my head. “The last place on Earth that I currently wanna go to is ATA.”

  I hated that I felt that way. ATA had always been fun. We had a lot of friends in the frat. But it was where I met Axe. Where we had partied together almost every weekend. It was the place I knew he would be.

  “We don’t even have to go to ATA. We could go to the other frats instead,” Gianna offered. But I didn’t want to be the reason why they didn’t go to ATA to spend time with Ash and Owen. I didn’t want to hold them back.

  I had felt almost guilty recently. Axel and I breaking up had placed Gianna in an awkward spot. She couldn’t go to the apartment without Axel asking a million questions and Ash couldn’t come here without Axel wanting to come with. “And even if we did for some reason end up at ATA,” she added, “Axel wasn’t even there last week, so he probably won’t be there again.”

  “Not tonight, guys. I’m sorry,” I said. “But if you end up needing a ride or something, just call and let me know.”

  They each sighed and left me alone with Penelope. She hurriedly threw her hair up into a ponytail and sat down in front of her mirror, pulling out her makeup bag.

  “Are you going somewhere?” I asked in my small voice.

  “Out with Lucas,” she smiled.

  “Oh, okay,” I said, slight disappointment taking over. I didn’t want to go out, but I also didn’t want to sit alone all night. “Where are you guys going?” I asked out of curiosity.

  “Definitely not ATA,” she joked. “Probably just Pi Rho.” I nodded, taking a deep breath as I sat down on the futon. “Did you want to come with?”

  I considered it for a second, but third wheeling with Penelope and Lucas did not sound like a good time. And there was no way in Hell that seeing Jason would make my mood any better, either. “No, that’s okay. Thanks for asking, though.”

  There was one single knock on the door before it opened. Lucas walked in with a smirk and headed directed over to Penelope. She went on her tip toes to kiss him on the cheek, her smile never fading. She liked him a lot. I didn’t know why, but she did.

  “I’m almost done getting ready,” she said. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom really quick and then go see if I can find someone who will let me use their straightener, since mine broke,” she frowned.

  I stayed on the futon, sitting criss-crossed applesauce as Penelope left, leaving me alone with Lucas. He stood with his hands in his back pockets.

  “So, how are you?” he asked.

  I hadn’t bothered putting on makeup for nearly two weeks now. The bags under my eyes were only growing, my hair tied in a messy low pony. It was obvious how I was doing.

  I shrugged. “How ‘bout you?”

  “I’m good.”

  “That’s good,” I nodded, my lips pushed into a straight line from the awkwardness I felt. It went silent for a minute
until I stood up, making my way over to my desk to grab my water bottle.

  A hand caressed my lower back and I jumped, cringing. That wasn’t Axel’s hand. And I sure as hell didn’t want anyone touching me there unless it was.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I yelped.

  Lucas took a deep breath as I stepped back. “I, uh, sorry,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “I’ve been meaning to ask you, um… my frat is having this date party in a few weeks and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  His eyes shifted around, blinking numerous times. “No.”

  I pulled my eyebrows as close together as they could physically go, my jaw dropped. I laughed once. “You’re dating my roommate!”

  He bit his lip nervously. “Well, I mean, we’re not like officially dating or anything.”

  I glanced around the room, wondering if he was being serious. When my eyes fell back onto him, he was still looking at me, waiting for a response. “No!” I screeched.

  Disappointment stretched across his face at my denial, as if he didn’t see it coming. Penelope walked back in, smiling as usual, a straightener in hand. I gave Lucas one more glare, then retreated back to the futon, turning my movie back on. I knew I needed to tell Penelope what just happened, but I didn’t want to do it while Lucas was around, so I let her leave with him after she finished her hair.

  About an hour and a half later, my phone rang from across the room. I paused my movie and rushed over to it, wondering if it was Claire and Gianna needing a ride.

  Axe’s name lit up the screen. My heart began to pound harder. Before thinking, I picked it up and held the phone up to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi,” he said. I didn’t say anything, curious as to why he was calling when he hadn’t done so in over a week. “Sorry for, uh… calling you. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

  “Axe…”

  “I fucking miss you.”

  I took a deep breath, those same words lingering on my lips. But instead of saying it back, I changed the subject. “Are you drunk?”