NLP

by Tom Hoobyar

  Next, look at the evidence in your database, the memories you have where you exhibited that characteristic or way of being—and notice the quality of these examples. What do you see? Are you seeing yourself doing whatever it is—and you’re outside that? Can you “go into” each picture so you can relive those experiences at will? Being associated strengthens the experience.

  When you look at those bits of evidence that you are this certain way, are they scattered pretty evenly back through your childhood or whenever you developed this trait? Maybe it’s something you developed later in life. That’s okay. Just notice.

  Now, here’s a really important step. Check to see if there’s any evidence in your future that you are this way. In other words, are there places where you expect to be this way in the future? As you look to the future, if you don’t see evidence that you are this way, I suggest you put some in there.

  You can put these expectations on little index cards that contain blank movies that just haven’t run yet. They can be photographs of you in the future, and you can see yourself from behind as you’re moving toward them—because this is in your future. You can see that “future you” doing those things, or you can pop in and imagine you’ll be doing them when you’re old and saintly. Any of these possibilities will also strengthen this trait or way of being.

  Now, here’s an interesting thing about self-concept—it’s got staying power. Some people are very durable in their self-concept—they’re solid—and the more relaxed they are, the more they are who they are. Some people’s self-concept is more fluid.

  Here’s an interesting thing that happens. If there’s something you like about yourself that you know to be true, you also know that you haven’t been perfect your entire life. Holding these contrasting reflections at the same time can be challenging.

  Let me give you an example. I like that I’m honest—and I know that it’s true that I am honest. But I shoplifted when I was a kid. In my life, I’ve lied on occasion. I’ve even cheated. I’ve had some earlier experiences that are what we call counter-examples. In the scope of things, they were trivial—but they taught me how bad it was to be dishonest. So, I have old evidence that I’m not honest and more current evidence that I am. What good does that do me? Does it keep me truthful? Yeah, it helps, as long as I keep these counter-examples in perspective. Otherwise, they could also weaken my self-concept.

  You see, having a self-concept that I’m honest means that’s my first choice—and that honesty is my instinct, without exception, in every situation. I find it’s easier, it’s more convenient, and I don’t have to remember a line of BS, so there are a lot of reasons why it’s useful. I make sure that my wife and I are on the same page because I’m not hiding or living a separate reality from her, so there are a lot of reasons why I like this. But I don’t wear it like a badge of honor, because I know I’m flawed.

  However, if I were to bring those old counter-examples forward and put them in my face so I couldn’t even say I’m honest or that I want to be honest, it would undermine my self-concept. It would create incongruity and it would weaken me.

  Now, here’s what to do. I don’t think that you should deny the truth. I think that’s unrealistic and psychologically unhealthy. What you do instead is to turn any recollection of a behavioral counter-example into just a statement on a piece of paper in your memory.

  Do not go back and relive the time when you didn’t measure up. In other words, screen out negative examples—you can do this by choice. You’ve learned how we can edit things and how we can strengthen things—so you can do this a lot of different ways.

  You can actually convert the memory. For instance, I can remember stealing a Baby Ruth candy bar from the corner grocery store in our neighborhood, and then my dad marched me back in. I cried and apologized and got chewed out for it. But I remember doing it—so I know I’m not honest. I remember that little crime when I was a kid. My dad made sure I’d remember it—but I no longer see myself doing that, other than hauling it up now to tell you about it.

  Normally when I go back to this experience, it’s a little index card in my memory that says, “Yeah, that was one of your learning experiences. That is one of the reasons that you’re honest now,” so I converted the experience to a reason. And now that reason strengthens my instinct to be honest.

  To strengthen the thing you like about yourself, convert a counter-example from something that says, “Oh no you’re not,” to “Oh, and this learning experience makes you even more that way now.”

  So again, focus on the trait that you like about yourself, which you should like and appreciate even more now, because you’re strengthening it, and then sweep back through your files. If you found counter-examples that made you a little uncomfortable or a little incongruent about having this trait or characteristic—or you felt less than entitled to it because there were exceptions—just change those counter-examples so that they’re learning experiences that make you even more this way now.

  That’s right, it’s a little job to do and may take a little reflection. Take your time.

  To strengthen self-concept, here’s something I do that you might also consider doing. When I come out of my morning meditation, the first thing I do is to thank my Maker for the way I’m feeling and for the life I have. The second thing I do is to just sort of flood my body with gratitude that it’s all functioning. I don’t even think about it, and the cells are dividing and the blood’s moving and everything seems to be working pretty good even after all these years of abuse.

  The next thing I do is sort of just be glad that I am who I am. I say, “I’m not perfect, but life’s not over yet.” I have the sense that I’m learning and that I’ll be better tomorrow than I am today and that I keep trying. This just gives me a sense of real strength and ease as I move back into my day.

  So you can tie some of this self-concept work, in terms of self-regard, to that little private time. Take thirty seconds to just appreciate yourself and your life as you come out of meditation. Just make that a habit. Your brain will love you for it. Your unconscious will love you.

  For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to: http://eg.nlpco.com/4-7.

  Discovery Activity:

  Adding Elements to Your Self-Concept

  Now I want to start to make use of some of the groundwork that you did earlier in this chapter. Let’s look at adding elements to your self-concept. How would you do that? The same way you built your original self-concept—by generalizing from certain experiences.

  I propose that you have many more experiences that you haven’t generalized that are positive. So one of the ways to do this is to pick a trait that you would like to strengthen in yourself.

  As an example, about a month ago, I picked a way of being that I thought would be useful to me for the next phase of my life. I picked calm, well organized, and highly productive. I’ve had six years now of being out of a regular responsibility for running a company and the structure it imposed. Some weeks I’ve written, some weeks I’ve led seminars, other weeks I’ve consulted in companies. Sometimes I’ve just spent time down at the river or at the pool. There wasn’t any sort of normal structure and I found I wanted one; I just wasn’t satisfied with my productivity.

  As I imposed this new structure, part of me said, “Oh no you don’t. I’ve worked for decades for this. I’m not giving this up. Do that Thursday. Do that next week,” and this resistance was inhibiting my progress on some of my projects.

  So I thought, “Well, I’d like to be motivated to be more naturally procedural in a calm, nonfrantic way, and just plow ahead.” I have to tell you, I did this work about a month ago—and my productivity has skyrocketed. It’s probably up 60 percent, and here’s how you can do it, too.

  Before we begin, remember the sub-modalities of the first thing you picked that you like about yourself and know to be true. Refresh your memory about these sub-modalities now.

  Next, pick a trait that you would like to have�
��or that you do have that you would like to strengthen. It can be any way of being that you want. As you identify it and see it now, immediately see some sort of image or see yourself being a certain way. Make sure that the sub-modalities of this new image match those of the image of the first characteristic you picked, in every way—location, size, color, lightness and brightness, motion or not—exactly the same. Put it in the same place.

  Then, second, do the same thing that you did with that quality or characteristic, which is to take it and make sure that you can see it, you can hear it, and you can feel it. Then, once you have that image just right, step into it so you’re actually doing it, and see if it feels okay to be that kind of a person. Does that feel all right?

  Again, your choice of a new trait should be realistic: one that you know you could do and would really be pleased to find yourself doing. It’s not like you’re suddenly a high-fashion model or astronaut or anything like that. This is something that’s realistic and it has to do with a characteristic or way of being that you would like to add to your description of yourself—or that you would like to strengthen.

  If that feels as good as it ought to, that’s fine. Now go back to your memory and notice the many times that you have been that person or that you have been that way. You might not have noticed it before. You certainly didn’t treat it the way I’m asking you to treat it now.

  Take those memories and make sure they look and feel and sound like the memories of that first trait you chose that you like about yourself. The example should match in terms of the filing system that you let your brain use. What’s happening now is you’re gradually realizing that you are that way. That it’s part of you.

  If I hear a little voice in my head saying, “Yeah, but . . .” I address that, saying, “Yeah, but I wasn’t always that way. That’s why I want to strengthen it,” or “I’m not really that way. I want to become that way.”

  That voice is a voice that’s looking at the counter-examples. “Look here. You weren’t that way there. You weren’t that way here.” It’s like one of those little shoplifting things. Yes, that may also be true, and those are the reasons you want to become that way.

  Again, take those examples—if they’re examples of behavior that didn’t demonstrate this preferred way of being—and turn them into little index cards with a note on it that says, “This experience makes me want to be this way even more.” Allow those notes to drop into the places where those memories are.

  So now you’ve got two sets of filed experiences. One set is the one that we worked with earlier, which has to do with something that you know you like about yourself. The other set of filed experiences includes the experiences for this additional way of being that you either want to add to or use to strengthen your self-concept. Look at them both and make sure that they look the same and that they’re stored in the same place.

  Now test this out. Imagine this new trait added to your self-concept—and it’s true and accurate because you’ve done it in the past. As it becomes part of you, consider something coming up in the future—perhaps later today, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next day, where you’ll be exhibiting this new characteristic. Notice how it feels to have this trait. Notice how it is when this is just part of who you are, notice how things look to you, notice how you feel about yourself. Feel this in your body.

  What has changed? In terms of how it feels to be you—and this is pretty significant—notice what has changed with this new characteristic added to your self-concept.

  Over the next several days, invest a few minutes and do this imagining of how you feel when you exhibit this new trait that’s in your subconscious; just do that every morning. Do it for at least three days.

  The Archaeological Dig: An Example of Self-Concept Work

  Before moving on, I’d like to share an example from working with a thirty-two-year-old intensive care nurse who wanted to enhance her self-concept by adding the trait of being energetic. She was careful to tell me that she didn’t want to be so energetic that she couldn’t easily unwind at the end of the night. (That’s ecology, right?)

  After exploring her motivation, she told me that if she were more energetic, she’d be willing to go out more often at night. When I asked her, “What will being more energetic and going out at night do for you that’s even more important?” her meta-outcome was that she’d feel less lonely because she’d have the opportunity to connect more with other people.

  By talking through past examples of when she did—or didn’t—go out at night, she learned about some of her meta-programs and beliefs that were automatically shaping her perceptions of how things could be different. When she thought about taking the initiative to plan an evening with someone, she experienced a sense of deep sadness—and even some physical symptoms like tiredness and low level of anxiety.

  When we explored how she knew to feel like this (what the cue was that automated that response), she found an image of herself when she was a little girl. When her current self asked the little girl (her younger self) what she was trying to do for her, Denise learned that girls were supposed to be nice and that if they were, they’d be invited lots of places. So the meaning that she was making of her current situation was that the lack of invitations or changes in plans meant she wasn’t nice enough, wasn’t liked enough for people to be with her.

  Long story short, by accepting that her younger self was actually trying to advocate for her, Denise’s current self was able to stop resisting and begin negotiating with the little girl. Together we explored alternatives that would satisfy both of them.

  Ripple Effects:

  How One Change Often Creates More Change

  When deciding to add being “more energetic” to her self-concept, Denise got more than she bargained for, didn’t she? Today, in addition to being more energetic, she’s more comfortable being proactive, she’s more congruent, and she’s less likely to interpret a change of plans as meaning there’s something wrong with her.

  So that’s just one example of strengthening self-concept. There are thousands of others. And if you’re the kind of person who really wants to gain more influence over yourself, the way you behave, how you think, and what you know, if you want to be that kind of person, you’re on the road to doing that now.

  You have the raw material to look inside yourself and to never again become a victim of rage, panic, or long-term depression that runs away with itself. And you have the tools.

  I believe that having this kind of familiarity with your own inner processes gives you a chance to work on yourself—and to have a more understanding attitude about other people. Here’s an example of what I mean.

  Earlier this morning, I was driving in the San Francisco Bay area at rush hour. It continues to amaze me that I lived down here in the middle of five million people because it’s so busy compared to where we live in the mountains today. I’m driving along and some young lady who was on her way to work—anxious, busy, distracted—jumps in front of me in traffic and flips me off in the rearview mirror. I was moving too slow. “Here’s this old guy . . .” I actually have no idea what she was saying to herself, but it certainly seemed like I ticked her off.

  It was kind of funny because I saw her watching me, flipping me off, and then reaching down, taking out some lipstick, and looking in the same rearview mirror to adjust her makeup—all this, just before she slammed on her brakes and almost hit the guy in front of her as we came to the next signal.

  I didn’t get mad at her. Instead, I reminded myself she’s in her twenties, she’s got six things on her mind—maybe a date tonight, probably running a little bit late for work, all these people are in her way, including me—so she wasn’t having as good a morning as I was. I had a great morning! I just felt humane. I felt compassionate toward her, just because she’s so busy and so rushing around and so lost in her own situation and not “getting” it.

  Well, everybody’s like that. Everybody’s in their own situation doing the best they c
an. If you look at the NLP presuppositions now with your understanding of how you operate inside—if you look at these operating principles (listed at the end of Chapter 1) and really test those statements—you can see that they are not clichés. They reflect the best thinking that there is on how human beings actually operate and why.

  In the next chapter, you’ll discover how what you’ve learned about how your brain works can be used to give you insight into how other people experience things. This will help you to become more patient, resilient, and relaxed. You’ll be more confident, too, because you’ll understand that everyone is doing the best they can, and that most of them are reacting to inputs and filters that are out of their awareness. They don’t know that they’re having pictures, sounds, and feelings in their head. They don’t know it’s constantly going on and triggering them. But you do now—and this understanding will serve you well.

  Key Ideas

  • Stress can create a cascade of negative reactions. Having stress-management strategies for dealing with emergencies and preventing the buildup of stress enhances someone’s options for positive behaviors and outcomes.

  • Each of us is a product of our experiences—and the thought patterns and conclusions we’ve created in response to those experiences.

  • Beliefs are generalized thoughts that act as automated filters that determine what information we “let in.”

  • Beliefs can be empowering or limiting in the way they shape our experience.

  • The deep structure of what we mean is not always clearly communicated by what we say. Our linguistic shorthand often reflects an overgeneralization. These are called Meta Model violations and may “signal” us that we are acting from an old belief, and not current reality.