NLP

by Tom Hoobyar

  So the question is “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think you’re feeling sad. Is that on target? If it’s not that, what are you feeling?”

  Terry and I played out several scenarios of how things might unfold if she asked her son this question. And how she might need to explore his response to make sure she really understood it. To do this, we role-played: “So how pissed are you, or how sad are you?” And then, after giving her son all the time needed to form a response, we role-played “And the reason you’re so pissed is because . . . ?”

  At this point in our little psychodrama, Terry realized she didn’t know how he would respond to this open-ended question. He might say, “I’m pissed because you blew me off” . . . or “because you were inconsiderate” . . . or “because you never liked my wife” . . . or “because you never approve of anything I do.” Terry came to understand that it didn’t matter what her son actually says. That specific thing is not that important. What’s important is the exchange itself.

  None of this is problem solving! All of this is simply allowing people to say what’s true for them. Let’s quickly review the approach that Terry and I worked through. Up to this point, we’ve asked four things. (1) We’ve asked the other person to attach an emotion. (2) We’ve asked what the emotion was. (3) We’ve asked how emotional they are. And (4) we’ve asked the reason why they’re so emotional.

  We’ve allowed them to say whatever they want to say, and we have not argued at all.

  Exploring Next Steps

  The fifth question is “What needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” The important part here is that you’re allowing the person to go inside themselves and find out what needs to change.

  When we discussed the possibility of Terry asking her son this, we explored how she might hear “Well, I need you to apologize,” or “I need you to leave immediately,” or “I want you to like my wife,” or whatever it happens to be.

  When most people have a complaint, you’ll notice that they want someone else or circumstance to change. It’s often something external. So just accept that and never argue.

  Once you know what the upset person wants, you can ask two more questions. First, “What part can I play in making that happen?” After you hear what they want you to do, then you say, “And what part can you play in making that happen?”

  Here’s what’s true. When we can play a part in creating the change someone wants, they can probably play a part, too. Once the other person feels heard and felt, we’ve moved into a constructive dialogue.

  Terry agreed to try this approach and she later told me that, even though it was uncomfortable for her, it did jump-start communication with her son. They had a real dialogue and her son knew that she really did care how he felt, which was the first step to healing things between them.

  No Spin: Just Positive Intent and Authentic Inquiry

  As you imagine doing this with people in your life, this approach may seem pretty radical. People talk about winning people over with razzle-dazzle, dress for success, and persuasive positioning. I’ve come to understand that what really works in communication is relaxing with the other person, being nice to them, and keeping the focus on them.

  Here’s why this works. Most people are really doing the best they can. Again, that’s not Pollyanna thinking, that’s just reality. And if you want to be efficient and effective in navigating bumps in communication and relationships, you have to be authentic. You have to give other people the credit for their humanity.

  You’ll find that the magical part of deciding to get along with somebody else is when you change yourself—all of a sudden you get along better with them and with other people, too. That’s the marvelous part of this. It’s easy. We don’t have to do anything to anybody else. We make a little alteration in the way we think and the way we manage our feelings and it’s like magic. Abracadabra, we easily get along better with people.

  It was surprising, and a little bit embarrassing, when a dear friend told me how much I had changed during the course of my NLP training. To be honest, I thought I was a pretty nice guy beforehand. I mean I had friends, I was successful in ways that were important to me at the time, but I was told by a number of people who knew me earlier that since I began studying NLP, I became more approachable and easier to be around.

  I wasn’t really sure what approachable meant, since I’m not outside myself. But when I step into third position and just observe myself, I see this big guy with a deep voice, who talks fast, moves fast, and takes initiative to make a lot happen. That could be kind of off-putting. I can see that. If I were a person who’s gentler, more thoughtful, more deliberate, somebody like me could seem pretty damn abrasive.

  I never realized that. I thought I was just being an action-oriented guy, making a difference, getting things done. I thought I was being a brave soldier, so it was really astonishing for me to realize that for some people that act was a little hard to take. That’s why I say the good news here is that the biggest part of getting along well with others is an inside job.

  If you’re loaded with stereotypes and if you think you know too much about what other people are really like, you’re likely to get into trouble. You’re not going to actually hear the person, and they’re going to know it. If you’re too preoccupied with meeting your own needs, with getting feedback from someone that says you are a great person, if you need to be interesting more than you want to be interested in others, then you’re going to put people off.

  Here’s what you should be asking yourself: “How can I interact with another person? What can I learn from them?”

  The impact this shift could have reminds me of the nineteenth-century story about Johnny Appleseed. It’s an American myth about a guy who wandered across the country casting apple seeds onto the ground and leaving beautiful apple trees wherever he wandered.

  It’s kind of a sweet thing to think about. Wouldn’t it be nice if, like Johnny Appleseed, we could scatter curiosity . . . optimism . . . self-approval . . . hope . . . and acceptance wherever we passed? By actually recognizing people, really interacting with them, being interested in them, and complimenting them, you can. It’s amazing how much you can sincerely change the way people feel about themselves.

  You can begin to play with this right away, and see for yourself how magical it is. You have everything you need to practice. First, you have your own brain to fine-tune, and you can do that whenever you decide to sit down and go inside and see what’s going on. And you have other people. You can experiment with them endlessly. You’ve been doing it all your life anyway. Now you can do it a little more deliberately.

  The Bird’s-Eye View: A High-Level Summary

  The three steps we’ve been talking about are, of course, sequential. First, we need to help the other person feel safe by managing our own state and behaviors. Once that need is satisfied, we can ask questions to demonstrate our curiosity and communicate that we think they’re interesting. And once they feel good about the interaction and themselves, they need to feel felt—that you “get” how they’re feeling. This way, they can be free to express their feelings.

  And remember, if you end up in emotional territory: name the emotion, confirm your impression, and sympathize with it. Whenever you try something on from the other person’s point of view, you can relate to it better. There are places in here where you might say something like “You know, I’d be upset, too.” Then you gauge the extent of the emotion and give a lot of time for them to respond so they get everything out. Saying, “The reason you’re so upset is because . . .” gives them more time to vent.

  After they’ve completely expressed themselves, then you invite them to tell you what they need to move forward. You could say, “Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to subside, for you to feel better?”

  Let me share a story from the other day; this interaction illustrates the approaches we’ve been talking about. Here’s what happened.

 
; I went to the grocery store and another person was parked pretty close to me. I opened my door and it clicked against their vehicle and I thought, “Oh, I hope I didn’t hit the paint,” and then I saw that my door was hitting their hubcap so I didn’t worry about it. I turned around to do something and I hit it again.

  It was a large truck next to me, so I got out, walked toward the back of the car, and this young woman came out of her truck and she was pissed. She said, “Sir, you hit my car twice with your door!”

  Instead of saying, “I did not. I hit your hubcap! Relax, take a chill,” I just said, “I didn’t know you were sitting in the car, but I understand what that must have sounded like to you, and that would really make me angry, too. I’m really sorry I did that, but if you come around here I’ll show you that there was no damage at all because my door was hitting your hubcap.”

  She came around and saw it and said, “Well, you hit it twice,” and I said, “I know. I’m really sorry. I turned in my car to do something and I just bumped the door again. I can understand how that would sound to you sitting in your truck. That would seem pretty thoughtless.”

  As soon as I said, “That would seem pretty thoughtless,” because that’s how I would have felt if somebody had banged my car twice, she felt completely validated. She said, “Oh, okay then,” and that was it. It wasn’t like we exchanged phone numbers and invited each other to lunch or anything, but it cooled her off.

  The message here is to allow the other person to really understand that you get how that feels, and if somebody had done that to you, you’d have the same feelings they do. It’s simple, but critical because that validates their feelings. And even though it’s simple, many of us habitually react in a more defensive way, but real understanding builds bridges, rather than creates separate turfs.

  Remember, the action sequence is a little like the emergency instructions on a plane. Make sure you’ve got your own oxygen mask on before you try to help the person next to you with theirs. So you’ve got to consider what you are thinking. Your experiences, beliefs, values, and boundaries are driving you all the time. You use these to help you function, and to achieve your goals. But your map of the world and your needs are only part of the picture, right?

  We live in a world of other humans, and if you want to be really successful with other people, go meet them in the world they live in.

  This approach shouldn’t create a conflict of values, unless the relationship requires that you betray yourself in some way. In that case, you need to make a judgment call. But most relationships aren’t that threatening, are they? They don’t require that you betray yourself. They just require that we be more flexible in what we can accept from others.

  So I find myself thinking, “Well, okay, if I’m going to get along with so-and-so, I don’t have to be a hypocrite and pretend to be interested in NASCAR racing or mixed martial arts or something I’m not; but I can be interested in their interest in it. I can be interested in understanding that this individual has a passion.”

  The important thing to me is not the being able to accept someone else’s values; it’s being able to accept the other person, period. Now, if they value cruelty or bigotry or something that violates my deeply held values, then we’re probably not going to be buddies, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be courteous or even compassionate when I’m with them.

  Try to keep in mind that someone’s offensive values or behaviors often stem from unhappiness, or some pain from their early life. When I presuppose that every behavior comes from a positive intention, I can say to myself, “That person’s anger or meanness is an attempt to recover from something.” It doesn’t mean I’m compelled to condone how they behave, or that I want to be around them a lot. I can just accept them.

  And, because I have flexibility and personal resources, I often think about how I could give them an alternative way to be relieved. I don’t usually act on that unless somebody hires me as a coach or consultant. And occasionally I get an opportunity to interrupt something negative that’s going on, and perhaps keep it from escalating. Sometimes, in passing, you can just sort of squirt a little oil into an interaction and maybe lubricate it a little bit with an offhand comment, but it’s preceded by respect and understanding. Like Johnny Appleseed, you can have an impact as you move through the world. Learning more about others will help you to create an even more positive ripple effect.

  In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to go beyond “mind reading” other people so you can get a better sense of their world and how to connect with them.

  Key Ideas

  • We all process experience in a similar way, yet because our experiences are different, we create different inner worlds, different “maps” of how the world works.

  • As we drop our automatic filters and preconceived notions about others, we can become a clear receiver, which allows us to really experience their reality.

  • Being the way each of us is is a choice. We can always choose to rewire ourselves—strengthening a quality we already have—or borrowing (“Modeling”) one from someone who has a quality we admire. And, if we don’t like a change we made, we can change it again to make it better.

  • Getting feedback from other people about what they’d like us to keep doing, stop doing, and start doing offers us helpful insights that may enable us to improve our interactions and relationships.

  • The different parts of the brain have different jobs. The instinctive “fight-or-flight” part is triggered first (along with lots of chemistry)—before the part that thinks things over.

  • Because many people don’t feel “seen” and “validated,” these feelings can affect their interactions.

  • Shifting between the three perceptual positions, as appropriate, can increase one’s effectiveness. It’s best practice to operate from first position so we know what we see and feel. Then we can briefly visit second position to try on something from someone else’s point of view, or go to third position to get more complete and objective information.

  • Because the brain generalizes, our initial impressions are gathered in a process called GGNEE. We immediately notice someone’s gender, generation (age), nationality (ethnicity), educational (socioeconomic) level, and then we imagine what emotions they’re having.

  • People who are masterful at connecting with others manage their inner state and focus on the other person so they don’t bring any personal uneasiness into their interaction.

  • Making someone else feel safe, interesting, and “felt” are critical steps to being good company.

  • Making someone feel safe, interesting, and “felt” can be accomplished by asking questions about what someone does or likes to do, why that’s important to them, and potentially confirming any emotions that came up for them.

  • Paying attention to how the other person is responding to our efforts to engage enables us to “zoom out” (visit third position) and access if we’re out of sync and make adjustments, especially when we have intense feelings.

  • To get in rapport, people subtly mirror the person they’re interacting with, sometimes matching their body language, rate of speech, or breathing (among other things), while being careful not to mimic the other person.

  • Honoring personal space requirements and making meaningful (but not invasive) eye contact can help us make someone feel safe, yet “seen.”

  • Being focused on the other person and being versatile in how we communicate gives us more options about how to respond, especially in difficult situations.

  • Cooling someone off can actually be easy. Taking the following five steps can defuse the emotional charge in a situation and make it possible to restore harmony.

  1. Confirm an emotion. “I’ve got this feeling that you’re X (angry or upset or sad). Is that true?”

  2. Gauge how big this is for them, and allow them to vent, to get it all out. “How upset are you?” or “The reason you’re so upset is because . . .”

  3. Det
ermine what they need to move forward, allowing them to go inside and find out what they want. “What needs to happen for that feeling to be better?”

  4. Identify what they’d like you to do. “What part can I play in making that happen?”

  5. Explore what steps they need to take to feel better. “What part can you play in making that happen?”

  To enhance the skills you learned in this chapter, check out the recommended Bonus Activities at our special “Essential Guide” website: http://eg.nlpco.com/5-1 or use the QR code with your phone.

  Discoveries, Questions, Ideas, and Stuff You Want to Work On

  CHAPTER SIX: MORE THAN “MIND READING” OTHER PEOPLE

  What’s going on inside them for that to be true?

  The single biggest problem in communication

  is the illusion that it has taken place.

  —George Bernard Shaw

  Communication challenges happen all the time, don’t they? Sometimes we’re careless about our choice of words. Occasionally someone is overly sensitive to something we said, how we said it, when we said it, or that we didn’t say something they think we should have said—or done. It’s easy to miss subtle clues that, had we been paying closer attention, would have alerted us to how another person was thinking or feeling.

  In NLP, we say that communication is redundant because people are simultaneously communicating in all three systems—visual, auditory, kinesthetic. That’s good news and bad, isn’t it? When someone is congruent, we get one message through all three channels. When they’re not, we get all kinds of mixed signals.