NLP

by Tom Hoobyar

  In this chapter, you’ll explore how to “mind read” other people by noticing their nonverbal behaviors and the language they use that reveals their inner worlds. You’ll discover additional ways to get in sync with someone and build rapport once your observations have given you insight into how they’re thinking or feeling. In the next chapter, you’ll learn secrets of deepening rapport and making your point.

  A $500,000 Example:

  Communication in All Three Channels

  When I ran a manufacturing firm in Silicon Valley, I had a potential client that was a biotech company located in Florida. I’d been on the phone a couple times with the president of that company—and we didn’t get anywhere. I didn’t like him. Frankly, I thought he was just trying to hustle me.

  He began the conversation by asking for discounts instead of asking about the equipment. He was rushed and didn’t have the time to listen to what I had to say. I felt he didn’t care about the science of our equipment. I thought he was a jerk.

  Even though the company was a perfect prospect for us, my marketing team had never been able to get an appointment in this company. That’s why they kept trying to draft me to approach the client again. Because of how I felt about this guy, I said, “I don’t think this is going to happen; let the sales representatives call on this account. When the powers that be finally find out they need the best equipment in the world, maybe they’ll contact us.”

  About a year and a half later, I was in Boston at a biotech conference with my marketing VP, Susan. This event had a lot of workshop breakouts—each one addressing different aspects of our industry.

  After one of these breakouts, we were walking down to the lobby, where many of the participants gathered between sessions, Susan kind of nudged me and said, “Hey, that’s that guy from Florida.” When I saw him, I thought, “Oh damn, I’ve got to say something to him. I can’t back away. I’m the CEO. I can’t just pretend I don’t see him.”

  As I was walking over to introduce myself, I noticed the guy was built like a football player. He was wearing an open-necked striped shirt with a sport coat. It was evening and after dark in Boston, but his sunglasses were up on his forehead. He had a gold chain around his throat, a good suntan, good slacks, good shoes, and he was sprawled out in his chair. It was clear to me this guy was obviously really comfortable where he’s at.

  He was a dominant, physical guy, but as I said, I’m six foot three and sizable myself, so I leaned down and put out my hand—I really kind of stuck it in his face. I interrupted the conversation he was having so he had to look up at me. When he did, I had this big smile on my face and said, “Hi, I’m Tom Hoobyar. We spoke on the phone a couple of years ago. I’m the head of ASEPCO.”

  He looked at me and took my hand and shook it. As he shook it, we had a good handshake—and all the while I was smiling. I had absolutely no sense of embarrassment or detachment from it. Then he said, “You know, my science people have been telling me that I ought to talk to you,” and I said, “Yeah, that’s what my marketing people said.”

  He said, “Have a seat and we’ll talk,” and I said, “Okay, if you buy me a beer.” He laughed and said, “Okay, and you buy the next one,” and I said, “I will.”

  In very few words, what I had done was to match him. Once I saw that he was such a physical guy—the kind of guy who likes to slap you on the back—I was able to match his body language and his kind of abruptness. I couldn’t tell any of that on the phone, but in person, I could tell that’s the kind of guy he was.

  He saw me—and it helped that I was the right size, his size. That was a match. The way I grabbed his hand, the way I stuck it in his face and introduced myself with no embarrassment, and then in maybe two sentences—that was also a matching. It turned out he was from New York, so I also matched his speech, which was more accelerated, a little more clipped: “You’ve got to buy me a beer first.”

  I didn’t just sit down in the chair opposite him—I plopped down. When I did, my marketing VP, who was a very classy lady and was still standing, rolled her eyes because she knew I was doing a bit of an act. Then I just told her, “Here, pull up a chair.” So she pulled up a seat and I introduced her in case she could fill in any details that I lacked—or needed to run with the ball after this meeting.

  He and I talked about Florida and about California and how his weather was more humid, and we ended up talking about gardens. I had a little garden in my backyard, he had a garden in his backyard, and we talked about how refreshing it was for each of us to get into the garden and get our hands dirty after a day’s stress of running a company.

  Before we were done talking, we were leaning toward each other. Not just because it was a crowded hotel bar, but because we were in rapport. Near the end of the conversation, we’d arranged for my engineering people to talk to his engineering people and really get the details of what they needed so they could work something out.

  As we parted, I said, “I’ve had my fill of beer. I’ve really got to go eat some dinner,” and he said, “I’ve already eaten, but I’m really glad you stopped by.” He said, “I thought you were some kind of geek. I just didn’t know that we’d get along so well.”

  I said, “Yeah, it was my fault. I didn’t handle that phone conversation well at all, but I’m really glad that we had a couple of drinks together and got to talk.”

  We walked away, and because of that encounter our companies did about a half-million dollars of business together. So what’s the lesson there? It’s that you can gain a lot of insight and traction in relationships when you pay attention to more than just what a person is saying. We want to consider their nonverbal behaviors and the deeper structure of their language.

  In this example, my soon-to-be client gave me all kinds of clues to how he was feeling in the moment. People around us are doing this all the time. When we’re able to notice posture, body position, use of personal space, facial expressions, eye contact, and so forth, we get a tremendous amount of information—and this is before we consider what they said and how they said it!

  Keep in mind that nonverbal communication carries a lot of weight. Researcher Albert Mehrabian of the University of California, Los Angeles, discovered that 55 percent of the emotional content of communication is based on what someone sees. Thirty-eight percent is based on what they hear in terms of how something was said. And only 7 percent of the emotional content is based on the actual words. That means that over half the impact that we have on each other when we’re communicating is visual.

  Powerful Telegraphing:

  What Your Nonverbals Communicate

  Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loud, I cannot hear what you say.” Because this is true, we want to remember to pay attention to our own nonverbal behavior first.

  Much of our nonverbal behavior is driven by the limbic system—which is the primitive brain. Because these behaviors are completely automatic and unconscious, they’re a pretty accurate reflection of a person’s inner state. This is good news for you because you’ve already been learning how to notice and manage your own inner state. You recognize that when you’re not anxious, distracted, or incongruent in some way, your body language sends a message that you’re safe and approachable.

  Our nonverbal cues are a bit like magnets. They can repel people. “Wow, that guy is angry—or he thinks he’s pretty important—I think I’ll steer clear of him.” They can also attract people. Nonverbals can signal that you are open to someone—that you like them—and they have a feeling that you like them if they have a feeling that you are like them. This goes a long way toward helping us make a connection with someone.

  Traffic Signals:

  How Other People’s Nonverbals Provide Direction

  Nonverbal behavior is so interesting and compelling that many books have been written about it and you can find some excellent information about it on the Internet if you want to delve into the details and nuances of this subject.

  We’re goin
g to focus more on what nonverbals you might notice than on what meaning may be behind those behaviors. Here I’d like to give you a quick overview of what you may want to notice so you can build on your observations to more effectively create rapport.

  A NOT-SO-OPEN BOOK: NONVERBAL COMMUNICATIONS TO CONSIDER

  Nonverbal communications may stem from a current inner state or from habit. Here’s a quick summary of nonverbals you might look for.

  Personal Space

  As you know from Chapter 5, an individual’s personal space requirements vary from person to person. Someone’s tolerance of another’s proximity is influenced by culture, size, gender, and often age. In America, most of us are comfortable with at least three feet of separation—but not more than five. If you use this as a general rule, you’ll be in good shape.

  Personal space also includes how much of their allotted space someone uses. For example, when they’re seated, do they fully stretch out their legs in front of them? Do they also put both hands behind their neck with their elbows pointing out? Use of personal space can also be shaped by culture. When I was working in Japan, for example, I decided to make my gestures smaller and take up less space when I was moving around and even sitting (which wasn’t so easy since I’m six foot three).

  Body Position

  Even though body position is about how you are in relationship to someone else, it’s not just about distance. Are you face-to-face with someone? At an angle? Is one of you sitting and one of you standing? Is there a big disparity in height? Body position factors may influence your ability to easily match someone.

  Posture

  In this context, posture is about more than whether someone is standing up straight. It’s more about whether their posture is open or closed—and mostly if their heart and chest area is open and uncovered.

  Gestures

  Gestures are most often made with the hands and have culturally accepted meanings. A thumbs-up gesture says, “Great job” or “I agree.” Knocking on wood means, “Let’s hope.” A wave means, “Hi, there” or “See ya later.” A shoulder shrug says, “It doesn’t matter either way.” Wagging one’s finger at someone means “Stop that” or “Shame on you.” We even have a gesture to say, “Call me.” Similarly, if someone is nodding their head up and down, it usually means agreement. If they are shaking it side to side, it usually means disagreement or disbelief.

  Touch

  Gently touching a person’s hand is very different from roughly poking them in the chest. Supportive touch induces the release of oxytocin in the recipient’s brain. The effect of touch is so powerful that it’s a frequent subject of research. As I mentioned earlier, studies show that waitresses who touch their customers get higher tips. Petition gatherers who touch people they talk to get more signatures. Teachers who pat a student on the back find that these pupils are more likely to participate in class.

  Touching among groups and teams is powerful, too. Two psychologists from the University of California, Berkeley, recently analyzed ninety televised hours of professional basketball, exploring the power of touch. After looking at every team and every player in the league, they identified fifteen different kinds of touching—including high-fives and flying shoulder bumps—and determined that the teams that touch the most win the most!

  Eye Movement

  It feels completely different when someone is batting their eyes than when they’re glaring at you, doesn’t it? It’s also different if they’re staring off into space or staring at you! Whether it’s appropriate to look directly at someone—and for how long—is often shaped by culture. In Chapter 5, we talked about “the gaze,” how making eye contact and holding that gaze a little longer (but not too long) helps someone feel seen. If you have a teenager, you’re probably quite familiar with eye rolling, followed shortly by “Whatever!”

  In NLP, we also think about how and where the eyes are moving and what this tells us about the way someone is accessing information. For example, when the brain is recalling something that’s already happened, most people’s eyes look up and to the left (which is the observer’s right). In contrast, someone imagining an experience like an upcoming vacation would most likely look up and to the right (the observer’s left). Ah, but I digress.

  Facial Expressions

  Happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, and surprise are easily recognized emotions because facial expressions are very universal. A genuine smile shows on the whole face, doesn’t it? Not only do the lips curve up, but the person’s eyes get brighter, too. A person who’s startled will most likely raise their eyebrows, their eyes will widen, and their mouth will open. If they’re confused, their brows may furrow and their lips tighten.

  Physiological Response

  Blushing, blanching, the flaring of nostrils, the eyes tearing up, and the trembling of someone’s chin are all examples of physiological responses. Changes in breathing are, too. I often notice when someone has begun to hold their breath; because if I’m in rapport with them, I find I’m unconsciously holding my breath, too!

  Locomotion and Pace

  Locomotion refers to the style of physical moment. Shuffling or tottering along is very different from rushing or moving quickly. Pace also describes the way someone moves. Is it jerky or graceful? Easy or deliberate? Gradual or sudden?

  “Paralanguage”

  As you may recall, Mehrabian’s research said that 38 percent of a message’s emotional content comes from how it was said—or, more accurate, how it was perceived to have been said. This auditory component of nonverbal communication is called paralanguage. Separate from the words themselves, these are audible cues that may telegraph information about someone’s inner state and feelings. Volume, inflection, speed, intensity, tone, rhythm, pitch—a change in any of these aspects can significantly alter the way the message is delivered, and received. Sarcasm is an excellent example of tone that has an impact; it may be funny or it may be hurtful.

  According to communication experts, other examples of paralanguage include laughing, pausing or hesitating, talking too much, interrupting, or talking over someone. And we all know that silence can speak volumes—because it can feel companionable or tense.

  Again, we want to focus on what we can objectively observe about nonverbal behavior, not assign meanings that may only apply to a generality rather than a specific person or context. As you can see, there is a real range and richness to nonverbal communication. Our quick overview will heighten your awareness of signals you already knew about—and hopefully make you even more curious about what you see and hear.

  Discovery Activity:

  Recalling Nonverbals of a Positive Experience

  Right now, you might be focusing on other people’s nonverbal behaviors—but that’s only half the picture, isn’t it? There are always at least two variables in a communication equation—the other person and you.

  With this in mind, it helps to be aware of the nonverbal cues you often use. They can provide you with insight into how you’re feeling—and into the impact these are having on your communication. Let’s take stock for a moment. Make a mental movie of the last enjoyable interaction you had—and watch it objectively from the outside, from third position. As you watch yourself, notice what you looked and sounded like.

  Were you standing or sitting close to the other person? How comfortable did that feel?

  Were you facing them, standing behind them, or sitting side by side at a bit of an angle? Were these body positions determined by the environment—or did you influence how you were physically in relationship to one another?

  Was your posture open or closed—so that your heart was exposed? If not, what were you doing to cover up your heart? How open were the positions of your feet/legs and arms/hands? What specifically do you notice?

  Because this is a memory of an enjoyable interaction, there may have been ways that you and your companion were mirroring each other’s body language. What synchronicities do you see now?

  Did you use tou
ch to connect with the other person? What did you do—and how did that feel?

  What gestures and facial expressions did you use? How did these reflect whatever you were feeling?

  Think about your eye contact with this person. How would you describe it? Can you recall the color of their eyes?

  And what about your paralanguage? Was your dialogue fairly synchronistic in terms of tone, volume, and speed? If not, how were you out of sync with your companion?

  Now that you’ve revisited that experience, take a moment to capture what you learned. Make note of what worked well in this interaction—and if you notice something that could have been even better, make a note of that, too.

  Review this list of discoveries and consider if these nonverbal behaviors are typical for you when you’re with this specific person. Are these cues typical whenever you’re enjoying yourself?

  Stand outside yourself and reflect on these nonverbal cues that may have contributed to your companion feeling safe, interesting, and “felt.”

  As a closing step to this activity, you might refer to the lists you made in Chapter 5 about what makes you a good companion. Look for similarities between that list—and this mental movie. Give yourself some positive acknowledgment for behaviors you’d like to do more often—or even more effectively.

  Of course, not all interactions are pleasant and when they’re not, the nonverbals are likely to be very different. To explore these contrasts, complete the next exercise.

  Discovery Activity:

  Identifying Nonverbals from an Uncomfortable Situation

  Think about a recent interaction where you felt uncomfortable. Don’t pick something big or traumatic—just choose an experience where you didn’t feel like your best self. Perhaps there was a situation at work or with your family that didn’t feel good. What was that exchange?