Deceitfully Damaged

by Abigail Cole

  “Come join us outside, we’re having a campfire.” Her tone is soft, like trying to coax a child out from behind their mother’s skirt. His eyes soften as they shift to hers but that’s the only change.

  “I heard. I’m fine here,” he mumbles, barely moving his lips.

  “We spoke about this, remember. Please join us, I want you there.” A ghost of a smile appears over his mouth, giving a single nod that has Avery beaming. She leans forward, her hands on his knees to plant a kiss on his cheek before following me up the stairs. Avery can lie to herself if she wants, but I see the truth. She cares for each of the men that have entered her life unexpectedly, and in doing so she’s broken through titanium barriers she erected years ago without realizing.

  Checking various cupboards along the hallway, we find one with hoards of blankets, bedding, spare duvets and pillows. Pulling out a whole pile of blankets, all thick with checked patterns, I push them into Avery’s open arms. An aged cardboard box stuffed at the bottom catches my attention, seeming thoroughly out of place.

  “No way,” I breathe, bending down to pull the box free from its hiding space. Dust unsettles at the movement, kicking into the air around me so I wave my hand in front of my face. Pulling the item that grabbed my attention free, I twist to show Avery with the biggest smile on my face. A silver battery operated CD player with rounded edges that is surprisingly heavy. The box is stacked with old school CD’s, our entertainment for the night sorted.

  Avery squeals as if I’d found a pot of gold, not that I can blame her. Placing the player back into the box, I lift the whole thing to take downstairs. Pausing in the kitchen, I grab a pack of spare batteries from the drawer and take a second to switch them over, figuring the old ones are either long gone or have leaked by now. Securing the batteries in place, a shadow appears over my shoulder, making me jump.

  Huxley dives his hands through the box on the counter, shifting through the plastic cases and selecting a handful of his choice. Flipping the ‘on’ switch, a small red light comes to life on the front of the player. Huxley takes the handle from my grip, silently carrying it out for me in a chivalrous/overbearing kind of way but I don’t mind. Just seeing him up and getting involved is good enough. Following him, I step onto the porch to see the fire is now lit, flickering flames stretching towards the stars. Rounding the timber banister, I skip down the steps and walk by Huxley’s side.

  “Look what Meg found,” his deep tone draws everyone’s attention, holding the player above his head. The three other guys whoop and cheer, bounding over to us.

  “Nice one, Meghead!” Garrett lifts me clean off my feet, my hair whipping as he spins me. Shrieking for him to put me down, he finally does so I can make my way over to Avery on the log. Giggling, she lifts her blanket for me to slide beneath and hugs me to her body. A full moon, surrounded by thousands of twinkling stars, is rising from the north-east to shine down on us all brightly. Dax passes us a pre-opened beer each, gesturing for the others to join with their own.

  “To the Shadowed Souls,” he cheers, all bottles clinking together except for mine. Watching the display, Avery pulls back her bottle from the centre and takes a long swig, as do the others.

  “What is that? Sounds like a cult,” I ask in jest, although genuinely curious. I remember Avery mentioning something like that back when the guys first arrived on her doorstop, but I’d been a bit distracted by the smoking hot figures passing through the house to listen properly. The way Avery toasted with them easily has intrigued me even more.

  “No, nothing like that.” Huxley grumbles from beside Dax, Garrett and Axel lost in their own hushed whispers and secret smiles. “Wyatt gave us that name when he formed our group. It just reminds us how far we’ve come to form this dysfunctional unit of fuck-ups.”

  “Oh gee, thanks. No one told me that when I joined,” Avery giggles and winks at him. The crease between his eyebrows eases slightly, a ghost of a smirk crossing his lips. Sliding my eyes back to my twin, I remain silent and watch her interact with Dax as Huxley moves over to the CD player. I don’t think she’s realised how attached she’s grown to this group, they’ve welcomed her into their fold and whether she will ever admit it to herself or not, she’s let them in too.

  Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal’ begins to play at a surprisingly loud volume, the rhythm filtering through my body to my tapping foot. Sharing a smile with Garrett, my head bobs as I feel the music in the depths of my being. Swaying our shoulders in time to each other, Avery and I sing along with the lyrics flawlessly. Each song blends into the next forming our fireside karaoke until ‘Dirty Diana’ plays and I drag Avery to our feet.

  Keeping our fingers linked, we lip sync to one another and dance like we would at any of the house parties we usually attend most weekends. Axel places an open beer into our free hands, his fingers lingering on Avery’s for a moment longer. The glow from the flames dance alongside us, an orange hue licking at our skin. Following Axel with my eyes, I watch him return to a spot on the log to join the audience we seem to have, every eye focused on our movements as if we are their entertainment.

  The song comes to an end after we’ve made sure to give a good show, taking our seats to face the others. Beyond the fire, a darkened figure is standing in the doorway of the house. Noticing my diverted attention, everyone turns one by one to see Wyatt looming in the distance and beckon him over. Even Avery waves for him to join us to my surprise. After a moment’s hesitation, he begins to casually stroll over without any sense of urgency and lowers himself onto the far end of our log, which is perfect for me as I don’t have to look at him. I can be the most understanding person in the world at times, but in this instance – Wyatt can sit on a landmine for all I care right now. Okay maybe not, but I’m still pretty pissed with him.

  Rustling in his paper bag, I concentrate on Garrett, curious as to what snacks he brought, probably only for himself. Producing a bag of marshmallows, he hands them to Axel who passes down to Dax. Next, he pulls out a packet of thin roasting sticks which Axel removes from the packaging to hand out to each of us. Holding it by the wooden handle, I wait for Dax to do the rounds with the marshmallows and push mine onto the metal prongs. Wyatt and Huxley get involved too, leaning towards the fire like the rest of us with their speared cube of sugary goodness.

  “Did you plan all of this?” Avery asks, rotating her stick to get the perfect singe on all sides. Garrett and Axel share a sweet smile, dividing cubes of chocolate and graham crackers between them to pass around. Accepting mine with a thanks, I pull my sticky marshmallow from the fire and place it into my s’more sandwich. Nibbling at the edges, as not to burn my mouth, a feeling of calm washes over me.

  I watch Garrett suspiciously as he pulls a blanket from the folded pile and drapes it over them both before making his own, expertly stacking the melted ball of goo and chocolate between the crackers. He’s not being his normal annoying self, but instead calm and controlled as he acts like the group’s leader for a change. Blowing on his s’more briefly, he twists to hold it up to Axel’s mouth and waits patiently for him to take a bite. My mouth drops open, a dollop of marshmallow missing my lips and glopping down onto my t-shirt. I may not have spent much time with him, but I know rule number one well enough – Garrett doesn’t share food.

  Avery has also clocked onto the weirdly intimate behaviour happening across the campfire, her blue eyes transfixed on their actions. Nudging her, we swap a look of “Damn” and continue eating, simply enjoying the atmosphere. Only the fire is making noise, its crackling drowning out the seas gentle lapping. The air is so fresh, my stress ebbing from my body under the mass of stars.

  Even my anger towards Wyatt is lessening, being at ease with the close proximity reminding me that recent discoveries will have affected him the most. Where Avery and I simply gained knowledge and nothing else has really changed, he’s had his world flipped upside down. His parents aren’t biologically his parents, not that I’ve had any issue with my mom on th
at front. Other than for medical history, DNA means nothing to me. I’d much rather have the life I’ve always known with love and nurturing than have lived my whole life like this, hidden from view and living in fear of a revenge-seeking psychopath.

  Rising from beside me, Avery walks over to the CD tower Huxley has made in the sand since the MJ tracks finished a short while ago. Flashing a Madonna album at me with a huge smile, she slinks around the back of the guys to push the disc into the player and hit play. Giggling as the first track plays, Avery runs around to lift me to my feet this time. Spinning me in a circle, she pulls me into her body and sways me exaggeratedly, singing ‘Everybody’ into my ear.

  “Get a room,” Garrett hollers, halting our dance to face him. Axel’s head is leaning on his shoulder in a similar way to how Avery rests her cheek onto mine. Bobbing my eyebrows, I push my tongue into my cheek and try to think of a witty reply.

  “I’d offer to let you join but I seem to remember you come as a pair,” I come out with, resisting to face palm myself with my fist. My cheeks heat as his eyes darken, the flickering flames crossing his face giving him a dangerously sexy look that has me biting my lip.

  “You remember correctly, Meggles, but I’m sure it’s nothing you couldn’t handle. Avery managed, rather well in fact.”

  Avery

  “You fucked them?!” Huxley shoots to his feet and shouts accusingly, pointing his index figure at the pair huddled up under a blanket on the chunky log. My eyes widen, heat scorching my neck and face which have nothing to do with the campfire we’ve created. Wyatt’s jaw goes slack briefly in the orange glow as his emerald eyes flick between the three of us. Clenching his teeth tight enough to produce a tic in his jaw, he stands and leaves without saying a word, although the rigidness of his posture speaks volumes.

  “It’s none of your business what or who I do.” I say defensively, Meg mimics my stance by crossing her arms and standing shoulder to shoulder with me. Her eyes are blazing with anger that he would call me out so boldly. Noticing he’s the only one left here with an issue, the crease in Huxley’s eyebrows lifts and he pokes his tongue into his cheek.

  “Huh, I figured you had more class than that.” He shrugs, changing from outraged to a petty dickwad in seconds.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Garrett chimes in, rising to force Huxley to face him. I don’t miss the way he steps in front of Axel defensively.

  “Well, you’d fuck anything with a pulse and he probably cries when he cums. Not to mention the amount of STD’s you two are probably swapping back and forth.” At that, Axel shoots up from the log too, the promise of death fixed into his amber eyes. His shoulders are bunching in time with tight clenches of his fists, snarling through his teeth like a wild animal. I’ve never seen him react so impulsively before. Anyone who thinks Axel is weak due to his calm nature would find out the hard way how extremely wrong they are. If It weren’t for Garrett blocking his way, Axel would be pummelling Huxley into the ground right now.

  “Oh, you wanna go Chrome Dome?” Huxley taunts. “Bring it on.” Stepping forward, he throws a sucker punch directly into Garrett’s throat. Stumbling out the way and gripping his throat, Garrett falls to one knee in the sand and a choked noise leaves him. Running over, I uselessly smooth my hands over his shoulders, screaming his name while he struggles to draw a proper breath.

  I hear the first punch land behind me, twisting to see Axel mercilessly beating a weakened Huxley on the ground. The pair scuffle but it’s clear to see a mile off who has the upper hand. Shadows from the flames dance over Axel’s back, the heat seeming to intensify with the shift of mood in the air. Dax intervenes, heroically throwing himself in the middle to push Axel back. After a few seconds, he stops resisting and strides over to soothe Garrett, who has returned to breathing normally again.

  We all pass glances around the flickering flames, no one knowing what to say about our ruined campfire. I avoid Dax’s blue eyes completely, scared to see his reaction to the news. Garrett finally manages to speak, his tone low and directed solely at Huxley.

  “Just so we are clear, I get tested after every partner believe it or not. And Axel has more resilience in his little finger than you do in your entire body, so look in the mirror before you open your mouth.” Pulling Axel with him, the pair stand and walk back to the house, taking their blanket with them. Huxley also storms off, but he chooses to walk into the darkness down the beach.

  Pushing myself onto the log with Meg, we sit in a silent triangle with Dax. Luckily, the fire is hiding the blush covering my entire face, my level of embarrassment hitting the Richter scale. I mean, one-night stands aren’t uncommon in my book but to have three lovers in one space, talk about awkward. Dax is busy fiddling with a strand of his afro while Meg clicks her tongue.

  “It’s getting a bit chilly, huh? I’m gonna go find a hoodie,” Meg hops up suddenly. She winks down at me even though I’m begging her with my eyes to stay. Smirking, she slinks off while I throw a mental dagger right into the centre of her back. Cow. Dax slowly moves around to the log I’m on, edging closer to me. I keep my focus on the burning logs, unease rippling beneath my skin. Once he’s barely a few centimetres away, I chance a look and hate the empathy etched into his features.

  “You must think I’m such a slut,” I sigh, hiding my face in my hands. The following silence confirms my suspicions, which hurts more than I thought it would. I’ve never given much of a shit how people perceive me, but with Dax it’s different. He’s different. The fire is beginning to die out, so Dax reaches over to poke it with a long stick, shifting the logs to stoke the flames back to life. When he sits back onto the log, I notice he’s nudged up more to my side.

  “I think we are all living in difficult times, with uncovering the truth of your lineage, armed men trying to kidnap you and the dynamic of our group crumbling - we all need a release. I don’t judge you for being human. I hope you know I’m always here for you too.” Pulling a sweaty palm away from my face, Dax links his fingers with mine and stares at me with understanding eyes.

  “Dax, I don’t do relationships. You know that, right? I won’t be able to return your affections.” Rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand, he looks at me sheepishly.

  “I wouldn’t ask for anything in return, I’d just like to chance to be yours.”

  I know he’s trying to comfort me, but instead a flicker of panic rises within. Dax is perfect boyfriend material, but I’m not that type of girl. I can’t handle commitment, nor would I be able to give him the life he would want. I can imagine him feeding me strawberries on a hillside picnic, me playing cheerleader on the side lines of his basketball games, being the girl under his arm sitting in a movie theatre. But when it comes down to love, I’m hollow inside. My life has no worth to me, so it’s unfair to expect it to mean something to him.

  Releasing his hand, I stand and step away. Concern crosses his features, his fingers reaching for me as I shift away from them. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” is all I manage to say, turning and bolting towards the house. Running until I push the door of our bedroom closed behind me, I flop onto the bed beside Meg and let the tears fall. Her hand lies on my back, an initial flinch shuddering through me until I remember I’m not that girl anymore.

  “What happened?” Meg whispers in my ear, shifting down to hug me close. I can’t speak, only sobs bubbling out of my lips against the mattress. I’ve been content with myself for years, only needing Meg and my extra-curricular activities to give me a reason to wake up each day. But the look in Dax’s eyes just now, the promise of a life he longs to give me has only resonated with my soul that I’m not enough. I’m still broken, unable to easily fall in and out of love because I know losing someone like him would be it for me.

  I cry until my chest aches and the tears dry up, Meg holding me gently the entire time. I ache, inside and out at the taunting images floating around my mind of a life I can’t have.

  “Talk to me,” Meg pleads once I’ve gone s
ilent. I could fake being asleep, but she’d only revisit this conversation in the morning.

  “It’s Dax. He wants...me.” I whisper, shifting my head to the side. My eyes sting and my cheeks feel puffy, although it’s nothing Meg hasn’t seen a thousand times before.

  “Aves, I know we’ve spoke about this but-”

  “But I can’t be with him. I don’t want to leave anyone behind.” I interrupt her, knowing I’m in the mood to be easily persuaded. She’d have me running into his arms in minutes if I forget my morals. Life is pain and anguish, no one makes it through unscathed. The best way to be is to hide away and enjoy what I can.

  “Why does it have to be so black and white? Life is colourful and vibrant. You’ve earnt the right to a happy future.” I scoff to myself, not ready to have this argument again.

  “It’s never been clearer than now that shit follows me wherever I go. He’s better off with a normal girl who can love him the way he deserves. I’m better off alone.” She knows I mean other than her, evident by the way she squeezes me tighter. “I want to go home. Back to how it was.”

  “I don’t think you truly mean that. Whether you’re ready to admit it to yourself or not, you’ve bonded with all of those guys, even Wyatt at one point. You know better than anyone you can’t have the good without the bad, and individually each one of the men downstairs are good for you.”

  ∞∞∞

  Leaning back against the headboard, I watch Meg slip out of the door with a tray in her hands. She’s brought breakfast and lunch to me in bed, not that I’ve had much appetite, but she has demanded I join the rest of them for dinner. The thought of seeing anyone else is making my stomach tie in knots, my head and my heart battling for control over my emotions. Staring out of the angled window, I watch the clouds roll by lazily in a bright blue sky. The sun passed over a while ago so I know it’s afternoon without needing a clock nearby.